Friday, September 4, 2009

Thou Shalt Dive In Headfirst

We have reached graduation.

AARON: That water is going to be freezing.

Some people would suggest a firewalk.

BRAD: Those people belong in straight-jackets.

I concur.

AJ: Wait, we're getting naked, right?
ALL: No!

I thought that nothing would be more symbolic of this amazing summer journey than a walk into the ocean.

ANTHONY: My nipples are already hard.

I hadn't anticipated such a drastic weather change.

ALICIA: Kevin, it's going to be freezing.
AARON: Can't we just dip our toes in?
ME: No way! We are all going to do this! Besides, we all spent money on new bathing suits, didn't we?
AJ: I repeat, I thought we were getting naked.

I didn't care if I was walking into freezing cold water. I had won my bet with Brad, and in the process, had made four new friends.

BRAD: I'd cry if my tear ducts weren't frozen.
ME: Admit it, Brad. I did it.
BRAD: Yes, you did. I guess I'll have to get you next time, Gadget.
ANTHONY: Let's do this already!

We all ran--it was the only way.

We ran right into the water, and instantly began screaming.

They were screams of joy...mostly joy...a little bit of joy.

A lot of cold.

ALICIA: I think I just went barren.
AARON: Is that a sheet of ice?
ANTHONY: Kev, I thought we were being rewarded? Kev?

Brad and I had made it a few feet in, then ran back out again onto the sand.

I told myself I was admiring the tableau of the proteges-turned-graduates in the water.

In reality, I was just plain old f**king freezing.

ME: So...?
BRAD: Is this it? Is this the end?
ME: Yes, Brad. Summer's over. It's cold. This is it.
BRAD: So you wouldn't be interested in...?
ME: In what?
BRAD: Well, I was thinking maybe...double or nothing?
ME: No. No. No!

That was when he took the five hundred dollars out of his pocket.

BRAD: One for every new little bird you teach to fly.

And I thought--Don't be greedy. Don't be crazy. Just say--

ME: Make it six fifty.
BRAD: Deal.

Spring semester, anyone?

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Thou Shalt Pass It On

I'd come to my last day with Alicia.

ALICIA: I got you something.
ME: Is it pink?
ALICIA: It might be.

It was a little pink guardian angel...soap.

ME: Awww...are you telling me to shower more?
ALICIA: Kevin!
ME: Kidding, kidding.

I wondered what would be the perfect final lesson for Alicia. When I met her, she was still very much a girl--insecure, needy, and ultimately very unsure of herself.

Now, she was twice the woman she was--at least, that's what I'm hoping.

I had Alicia meet me at Andrea's, where I had a guest waiting.

ALICIA: Who's this lovely lady?
ME: This is Amy.

Amy--fifteen, insecure, needy, and ultimately--

AMY: So glad I met Kevin! My gay friend Seth just moved to Boston, so now I only have, like, four.
ME: Alicia, Amy is your newest protege.

That's right. I'm paying it forward.

Alicia was, shocker, unsure. She excused us and pulled me out onto Thayer.

ALICIA: I can't mentor this girl! I don't know anything!
ME: Yes, you do. You know at least as much as I've taught you, and probably a lot more.
ME: Alicia, she needs someone to look up to. She doesn't need a fourth gay friend. She needs a surrogate big sister who will listen to her and steer her in the right direction. You can do that.
ALICIA: But what if I screw up?
ME: You mean like how I did over and over again?
ALICIA: But you meant well.
ME: Sweetheart, meaning well is half the battle.

We went back inside. Alicia and Amy started talking. Pretty soon, they barely knew I was there.

Which was exactly the way I wanted it.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Go Out with a Bang

It was my last lesson with Anthony.

ANTHONY: So where are we headed?
ME: Right here, champ.
ANTHONY: Uh, beg your f**king pardon?

It was a Saturday night, and not only that, it was the night of the biggest party...of late August: The Beach Bingo.

ANTHONY: Kevin, I have to go. It's Beach Bingo.
ME: Anthony, when I first met you, you were a club-hopping, clique-loving, mean boy who never met a drama den he didn't love. Now, I think the ultimate test would be to see if you can abstain from a night of going out.
ANTHONY: To do what?
ME: Reflect.

When I say he let out a primal scream, I'm talking PRIMAL.

ME: It won't be so bad.
ANTHONY: It's Beach Bingo and you want me to sit in and watch movies?
ME: No, no movies.
ANTHONY: Are we going to play board games?
ME: Anthony, the point is be quiet and think about your life and how far you've come.
ANTHONY: Why don't you take the knife and kill me now, Kev.

Terrific. I've taken him from Eat, Pray, Love to Hate, Hate, Hating Me.

ME: Let's just give it a try.

We took out two pillows and sat...and sat...and sat some more.

The minutes on the clock ticked by, and after about forty of them, even I was ready to pop in a DVD.

But then something kind of interesting happened.

ANTHONY: F**k, am I crying?

Anthony started to cry.

ME: What's wrong?
ANTHONY: I've just never really
ME: Thought about things?
ANTHONY: I've never been silent before.
ME: Really?
ANTHONY: Yeah, my whole life has just been...about making noise, I guess. I've always listened to everybody else. I've never listened to myself.

Take that, Dr. Phil.

ANTHONY: This is weird, man.
ME: Embrace it, Anthony. Embrace the weird.
ANTHONY: What about the joy?
ME: Embrace that too.
ANTHONY: Kev, hold my hand.
ME: Uh--
ANTHONY: Just hold it.

So we sat there...holding hands...and being quiet.

We sat there for most of the night.

There was some crying.
There was some snacking.
Then more crying.
Then we were done.

ME: How do you feel, Anthony?
ANTHONY: I can't tell if I'm better or not.
ME: Do you feel differently?
ANTHONY: I feel like everything I've done in my life has either weighed me down or sent me flying.
ME: And?
ANTHONY: And I'd like to do some more flying.

Break out the tissues, kids. I know you need to.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Thou Shalt Dine with Class

My original goal with AJ?

Get him to live in today's society without being arrested on a daily basis.

Now, I've managed to keep him out of jail, but I wanted to get a little bit farther than that by the end of summer.

I didn't, however, plan on getting this far.

BRAD: A dinner party? Who is he? Eliza Doolittle?
ME: It'll be fine. It'll just be you, me, AJ, and the guy I'm setting him up with...
BRAD: This is a set-up too?
ME: Brad, you have to put a carrot at the end of the stick otherwise the donkey don't pull the cart.
BRAD: Thank you, O. Henry.

I didn't tell Brad who I set AJ up with for the party.

BRAD: Who did you set Aj up with?


ME: Uh...Scott.
BRAD: Scott?
ME: Let's set the plates.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

I managed to get Brad to calm down slash got him buzzed so that by the time AJ and Scott showed up, things were almost normal.

Cue the sparkling dinner conversation. Let's see how well I trained my little protege.

AJ: So what does everyone think about all the controversy surrounding Health Care?
SCOTT: Politics at a dinner table? Haha, Kevin I thought you trained this kid.

I saw AJ panic. My mistake had embarrassed him.

Luckily, he recovered fast.

AJ: Do you go to the movies often? I really liked District 9.
SCOTT: I'm not into stupid alien movies.

Oh God, I didn't know...

Scott had become an asshole.

BRAD: Become?
ME: Uh oh, I was thinking out loud.

The night didn't get much better. AJ tried making a connection and Scott took a carving knife to his I-want-a-connection hand.

I pulled Brad into the kitchen when I saw AJ's eyes start to get that reddish look right before he maims someone.

ME: I made a huge mistake.
BRAD: You should get that on a t-shirt.
ME: AJ's going to kill Scott if he keeps being a jerk.
BRAD: Good. The joy of watching that will sustain me through the next year.
ME: Brad! He's your ex. Do something!
BRAD: Ohhh! Now he's my ex. Before he was a pawn in your Pygmalion games.
ME: I'll buy you a bottle of whatever you want if you do this.
BRAD: Let me at him.

We went back into the dining room where Scott was explaining to AJ why Gossip Girl is the dumbest show ever.

SCOTT: Why don't you just watch donkeys shitting on toadstools?
AJ: That's a show?
BRAD: Scott, you're being a dickhead. Please leave.
ME: That's it? That's you handling this?
BRAD: Kevin, did you see how much I had to drink tonight? It's amazing I'm still standing.

That was when AJ stood up.

ME: Oh dear Lord.

Ladies and gentlemen, listen to this.

AJ: Scott, I understand that you don't find me intelligent or clever or interesting. That's fine. But to belittle me in front of others, and go out of your way to insult the things that I like because you think it will make you sound quote "more straight-acting" and therefore more appealing to, hmm, I don't even know who, is just ridiculous. I was respectful to you tonight and you were very poorly behaved and very unkind. I don't wish any ill will on you, but I do hope you reconsider how you act in future situations when someone is trying their best to get to know you. Please, excuse me.

And he left.

Ten minutes later, I found out that he had gone outside and smashed Scott's passenger side mirror.

Did it make me feel any less proud?

Not one bit.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Let the Parade Pass By

It was my last week with the proteges.

I knew that I had to pull out some sort of "Eliza at the Ball" magic in order to win my bet with Brad.

The important thing was remembering what the overall improvement needed to be with Aaron: Bold.

I needed to make him more bold.

When I met him, he was sitting in the corner watching the parade go by--I needed to make him the parade.

Which brings me to--

AARON: No way.
ME: Aaron, this is the last thing I will ever ask of you. If you can do this, you can do anything.

I had driven with Aaron for over an hour to New Hampshire, where a large Pro-Gay Rights rally was going on complete with--you guessed it--a parade.

AARON: So I'm going to walk in this parade.
ME: Walk is such a passive word.
AARON: Kevin--
ME: You're out in front with the baton.
AARON: But I don't know how to--
ME: Before you say anything, I'd like to bring your attention to this--

After raiding his room one night while he was in the kitchen trying to pry pasta from a non-stick pot, I found his yearbook.

ME: I believe twirling happens to be your forte, Mr. A.
AARON: You're an evil man.
ME: Time to grab life by the batons, kid.

An hour later, I was on the sidelines, waiting for my boy to lead the band.

And there he was--

It was a sight to behold. Aaron in his old high school uniform (a little tighter on him, let's not lie) standing straight up, smiling, and twirling like a Texas cheerleader.

I didn't see a scared wallflower anymore. I saw a star.

ME: Hello Brad?
BRAD: Talk louder. I'm going through a tunnel--of inebriation.
ME: All you need to hear is this--

I held out the phone so he could hear the crowd cheer.

One transformation down, three to go.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Thou Shalt Evaluate Thy Hang-Out

Before I got to high school, I assumed I would have a cool hang-out.

You know, like...oh I don't know...let's say...

ALICIA: The Max.
AJ: Holler.

High school immediately became a huge letdown when I found out there was no cool hang-out to chill at after school where the waiter knew magic tricks and where they had dance contests hosted by Casey Kasem.

Some people probably preferred The Peach Pit.

Those people are not my friends.

So I was really happy when the proteges told me they'd found a new place to hang out.

Then I went there.

BRAD: Oh, they have GOT to be kidding me.

The place was filled with college kids, which would not be a bad thing, except that none of my proteges are actually IN college.

AARON: Isn't this place awesome? Everyone keeps calling me wise...Wise is hot, right?
ME: Yes, Aaron. That's how Yoda became the sex symbol he is today.

Granted, it was a step up from Prisms, but there was wayyy too much temptation to play with the jailbait.

ME: Anthony, tell me you haven't actually fraternized with any of these guys.
ANTHONY: If by fraternized you mean--
ME: Yup. You have. I don't need to hear what it is you think I meant.
BRAD: Do they serve anything here that doesn't come in a darkly tinted bottle?
AARON: That's called beer, Brad.
BRAD: I'm sorry--what?

Alicia was even having fun--which meant we were really in trouble.

ALICIA: This makes me want to go back to school!
ME: Were you ever in school in the first place?
ALICIA: I took a class.
ME: Creative writing?
ALICIA: How did you know?
ME: Lucky guess.

(Every time someone "takes a class" it's in Creative Writing.)

I managed to haul everyone out of the dive before beer pong started up. I don't have any objections to beer pong except when it's happening on a Tuesday night at eight o'clock.

AARON: Why do you have to ruin all our fun?
ME: Because that's how I have my fun.
AJ: K-Brock, summer's almost over and we're still not classy.
ANTHONY: And none of us have boyfriends.
ALICIA: And some of us are considering joining a religious order.
AARON: How did you know!

I guess I'm going into the home stretch with a few handicaps.


This is what happens when you make me go to a sports bar.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Thou Shalt Raid the Retro Closet

We had to plan for this for a few days before putting it into effect.

ALICIA: Hey guys! I'm so psyched for Bad Movie Night!
ME: Alicia, there isn't going to be a bad movie night.
ME: Storm! Storm!
ALICIA: Ahhhhh!!!

Brad, Aaron, AJ, Anthony, and I all swept into Alicia's apartment in an effort to clear out everything that was holding her back from becoming a true woman.

BRAD: What are the odds any of us will make it out of this alive?
ME: Not good, Brad. Not good.

We had removed eight Jonas Brothers posters, and we weren't even out of the living room yet.

AARON: Kevin, do you want to handle the DVD rack or do I?
ME: Let me. I've watched over eight hundred hours of Clean House.
AARON: She owns Just My Luck AND Georgia Rule.
ME: We better let AJ handle it. He's seen both of those.
AJ: And New York Minute. That's right. I'm an Olsen-lover. No shame.
ME: How's Alicia holding up, Anthony?
ANTHONY: I slid some peanut M&M's underneath the bathroom door. She should be fine.

An hour later, we were ready to move into her bedroom.

BRAD: I may need a drink for this.
ME: You have one in your hand.
BRAD: A stronger one.
ME: Everybody take a deep breath.

And in we went...

I want you to imagine Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory as imagined by Belinda Carlisle in 1986 then redecorated by Alicia Silverstone in 1994.

That will give you an idea of what we were facing.

AARON: I can't see the walls.
AJ: I can't see the floor.
ANTHONY: I can't see hope.
ME: We might just need to bomb the place and start from scratch.

By the time we were done, Alicia was asleep on her bathroom door cuddled up with her inflatable Channing Tatum shower doll.

BRAD: Are we sure she's not certifiable?
ME: I'm not sure of anything anymore.

The apartment looked great. We even added little flairs here and there to make it look more grown up.

AJ: I got her a lamp.
BRAD: Did she not have one before?
AJ: Nope. Just a Miley candle.

Let's never speak of this again.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Run Over Thy Ex

Anthony is the one that seems to be doing the best of all my proteges.

Of course, that's like comparing war crimes.

Still, I had a lot of faith in Anthony. That's why when he told me he was having dinner with Chet, his idiot ex-boyfriend, I wasn't all that worried.

ME: So how do you think the dinner is going to go?
ANTHONY: Real good. I'm going to make him think we're cool and then shank him with the butter knife.
ME: Uh...maybe I'd better come along.

This seemed like a great time to teach Anthony about being civil to an ex.

We met up at Bravo and, of course, Chet was running late.

ANTHONY: So no cussing him out?
ME: No.
ANTHONY: No telling him he sucked in bed?
ME: Anthony--Wait, he sucked in bed?
ANTHONY: Hardcore.
ME: Just avoid sex talk altogether.
ANTHONY: Can I spill red wine on him? That shit doesn't come out.
ME: I might allow that one depending on how annoying he is.

Right on cue--

CHET: So I get two hotties for the price of one?

I immediately ordered a red wine.

Dinner went as follows:

Chet would say something stupid.

Anthony would start to tell Chet he was stupid.

I would pinch Anthony under the table.

Anthony would say something civil instead.

I would feel pride bursting through me like a crazy little league parent when their kid purposefully hits the batter with a ball.

Everything was going great right up until the end. Chet even paid for dinner, which was nice.

...Somewhat too nice.

CHET: We should do this again.
ANTHONY: Yeah, it was...not awful.
CHET: Maybe I should bring my new boyfriend next time.

Red Flag.

ANTHONY: You got a new boyfriend?
CHET: Yeah, Moss Lewis.
ME: Someone is actually named Moss?
ANTHONY: That's my ex-boyfriend--my OTHER ex-boyfriend.
CHET: Yeah, I Facebooked him. We hung out. Amazing body.
ANTHONY: Uh--I know.

This was when I saw him glance at the butter knife, so I dragged him away with a fleeting "So long" to Chet.

Once we were back in his car, I realized letting him drive was not the best idea, but he already had the key in the ignition.

ANTHONY: That f**king cockjockey!
ME: Do you actually miss this Mildew?
ANTHONY: That's not the--it's Moss!
ME: It's still not pleasant.

We turned onto Broad Street just as--lo and behold--Chet was crossing the street.

ME: Don't do it.
ANTHONY: Can't I just tap him?
ME: Tapping is called vehicular manslaughter, Anthony.

Luckily, Chet made it across the street and Anthony kept driving.

ANTHONY: Guess I'm flunking keeping my temper in check, huh?
ME: No flunking would have been running the dickhead over just now.
ANTHONY: I always was a C-student.

Funny. I was always an easy grader.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Thou Shalt Go to the Theatre

I thought AJ might be ready for a little test.

AJ: Like multiple choice?
ME: Like the theater.
AJ: Ohhh, I'm screwed.

With time ticking down until my little birds have to fly, I'm trying to gauge how much progress I've made with each of the proteges.

AJ is, by far, the one I'm most concerned with at the moment.

ME: We're going to make this as fun as possible.
AJ: But K-Brock, what if I trainwreck?
ME: Then you won't be trainwrecking here.
AJ: Huh?
ME: AJ, I'm taking you to New York.
AJ: Yeeeeeee haw!

I just might regret this.

Still, I figured it was safer to introduce AJ to the arts as far away from his home turf as possible.

Plus, I miss Times Square.

AJ: How long can we stay?
ME: Not long enough for you to hook-up with anybody.
AJ: We're staying less than an hour?

We arrived in the city around noon, and bought tickets for our first show. After a quick lunch, we headed to the theater.

That was where the trouble began.

ME: AJ, quit texting.
AJ: I'm texting this kid I met in the train station.
ME: When did this happen?
AJ: When I told you I thought I saw Billy Joel boarding on track fourteen.
ME: I looked away for five seconds!
AJ: The new Iphone contact-to-contact with a bump. It's a beautiful thing.

I confiscated AJ's phone, but once the play started, things didn't get any better.

AJ: I'm lost.
ME: Ssshhh...
AJ: But I'm lost.
ME: I'm explain at intermission.
AJ: Why are they talking so fast?
ME: They're not.
AJ: Yeah they are. I don't know them. They have to talk slower.
ME: AJ--
AJ: But K-Brock, I'm lost.
ME: I'm going to make sure you're lost in a second.

At intermission, he wanted to bail.

AJ: I hate it.
ME: You might like it by the end.
AJ: Doubtful. Plus ten times three, I want to go hang out with that guy. Apparently he lives in Jersey. Is that far?
ME: AJ, this was supposed to be a trip of culture and learning.
AJ: It was! I learned I don't like culture. Can I go now?

I should have said 'No,' but I was so frustrated--

ME: Fine. Go. I'll meet you at the station at ten, okay?
AJ: Rock on. You're the best, Kev.
ME: Ohhh, I know.

Maybe AJ's not the one who needs to learn something. Maybe I do. Maybe I need to learn that you can't change some people...

...Then again, I still have eleven days left.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Thou Shalt Tear Down Thy Walls

We're coming up on the home stretch.

In just a few short weeks, summer is over.

That means so is the school for boys.

BRAD: And your little group is no closer to sanity than they were before--congrats.

I disagree. I think we've come leaps and bounds.

Take Aaron for example.

AARON: I met this guy.

Before, he would have gone crazy over a guy at the word "Hello."

AARON: He seems really nice.

Now, he's more cautious.

AARON: He gave me his number.
ME: That's great.
AARON: I'm not going to call him.

Perhaps a bit too cautious.

ME: I'm a little confused, Aaron.

I was over his house to watch 'Flipping Out.' (Don't judge.)

AARON: Kevin, every time I get close to a guy I find out something horrible about him.
ME: That doesn't mean you stop getting close.
AARON: Look, I'm just sick of getting my hopes up and then having them dashed to pieces. I'm putting up a wall.
ME: You can't consciously put up a wall.
AARON: Watch me.

I blame myself for this. I had turned Aaron's rose-colored glasses a dark grey.

It was time for damage control.

TAYLOR: Do I know you?
ME: Not yet, you don't.
ME: I'm Aaron's friend.

I managed to find Taylor on Facebook chat.

TAYLOR: Aaron seems cool, but sort of blocked?
ME: Well, that's what I was hoping to take to you about...

In about three hours, Mission: Down With the Wall was in full effect.

Knock, Knock.

AARON: Hey Kev, what's up?
ME: Come outside with me, Aaron.

Once we were outside, he was met with a striking image.

Taylor dressed up like a court jester.

AARON: Uh...confusion?
ME: Aaron, this is a boy who is literally willing to make a fool of himself for you.
TAYLOR: Plus the costume cost forty bucks.
ME: In the hopes that you'll give him a chance.

I could see the cracks in Aaron's wall widen, until he finally laughed.

AARON: Wow, Taylor, you look pretty stupid.
TAYLOR: Does that mean I can buy you dinner?
AARON: Provided you change out of that outfit, then yes.

Aaron looked over at me and smiled.

AARON: So this is progress?
ME: Yes, it is.

And progress never looked so good.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Thou Shalt DVR

In life, there are struggles.

Giant Mountains with scary mountain-people living inside them.

All of these pale in comparison to what it's like trying to teach four culturally challenged people about good television.

AJ: You mean we just have to watch tv? That should be easy.
ANTHONY: Are we doing Will and Grace first?
AARON: Golden Girls?
ALICIA: Oh my God! There's a Jonas Brothers retrospective on E! tonight!

Ten bucks says it's not quite a "retrospective."

I decided that my proteges needed to learn what real television is--and I invited Brad along because I bought too much alcohol for the occasion.

BRAD: Shouldn't you be teaching them this lesson on a Monday? It's a Wednesday. It's not a completely asocial night.

Let's begin:

We did the Chuckles the Clown episode of Mary Tyler Moore.

ALICIA: Mary is SUCH a Charlotte.
ME: Mary was Charlotte before there WAS a Charlotte.
AJ: You just blew my mind, K-Brock.

I followed that up with the Vitametavegamin episode of I Love Lucy.

BRAD: Bitch is drunk. I love it.
ANTHONY: Ricky's kind of hot.
AARON: You might be the first person in history to say that.
ME: Aside from Lucy...and maybe Fred.

We then did two episodes of Taxi (possibly the most underrated show in television history), an episode of St. Elsewhere, and a whopping four episodes of Boy Meets World.

AJ: Can we do some AbFab now?
ME: Guys, I'm trying to show you that there's more to television than Bravo's Pittsburgh, Unhinged.
AARON: That sounds steamy.
ALICIA: Kevin, none of these shows are even on anymore!
ANTHONY: They're all lame.
AJ: I thought you were going to turn us onto something exciting.

That was when I brought out the big gun.

BRAD: You shouldn't have gotten him angry.

The first two episodes...

ME: Okey doke.

...of Veronica Mars.

AJ: Whoa.
AARON: Uh...
ALICIA: More please.

And because they were fresh...

ME: I'm actually tired. It's late. I should--
AARON: Drop the DVD's, Broccoli.
ME: Um--
BRAD: You heard the man. Put down Kristen Bell, and walk away.

When I went to bed, they were still trying to figure out who killed Lily. I contemplated yelling it into the living room along with the answer to how the bus went off the cliff in Season Two...

...But I'm not that cruel.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Thou Shalt Let Alicia Be Alicia

Alicia wanted something a little different for "Turn the Tables" week.

ALICIA: I want to cheat!
ME: At what? Bridge?
ALICIA: No! I want to break every rule you've made me follow.
ME: Oh God.

That meant we were headed to Prisms.

ALICIA: No girls allowed!
ME: Does that rule out Brad?

It didn't.

BRAD: So you're letting her loose for a night, huh?
ME: It's what she wants.
BRAD: Let's hope she makes it to morning without having a crying fit.

She didn't even make it to midnight.

After performing "Lovefool" by The Cardigans, she tried to get some gay guy to make out with her on the dance floor. He refused, which I don't blame him for, but then he called her--

"A wasted mess."

Considering she'd only had two drinks, she wasn't too happy.

ALICIA: Am I a mess?
BRAD: Of course you are.
ALICIA: You mean of course I'm not?
BRAD: No, you are. I'm the honest one. Kevin's the nice one. Remember?

That was when the crying started.

The night ended with Alicia binging on Antonio's pizza while sitting in my passenger seat--Brad passed out drunk in the back--trying to remember the guys' numbers she used to drunk dial.

ALICIA: I think there was a "4" in it...Oh God, why did I delete those numbers? I need to get Ryan to sleep with me so he'll fall in love with me again! He loved my hips! MY HIPS!

Brad slept through the whole hurricane.

By the time I dropped her off at her place, Alicia was almost passed out too.

In the morning I got a text from Brad.

BRAD: Bet you wish it had been another learning experience, huh?

It was.

I learned never to do "Turn the Tables" week again.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Thou Shalt Let Anthony Do the Cooking

It's not that I can't cook.

BRAD: I wouldn't call it 'cooking.'
ME: What would you call it?
BRAD: Food poisoning.

It's just what I cook isn't always...edible.

ANTHONY: This is where the stereotypical Italian guy comes in to save the day.
ME: Hey! I'm Italian.
ANTHONY: One fourth.
BRAD: That means one fourth out of every meal he makes will look like actual food.

Anthony, as part of "Turn the Tables Week," wanted to give me and Brad a cooking lesson.

BRAD: Will we be cooking with sherry?
ME: Who's Sherry?
BRAD: And you don't drink. Are you sure you're human?

We were going to start small--salad--and work our way up to difficult--dessert.

We never made it to "slightly harder than easy."

You see, Anthony asked me to boil water.

BRAD: Should I call the fire department now?
ME: Brad, nobody screws up boiling water.

I screwed up. I estimated that it would take a couple of minutes for the water to boil so I started in on the entree, which was supposed to be chicken with some stuff on it (see, I know technical terms).

I was putting together aforementioned "stuff" when the water started boiling over onto the stove.

ANTHONY: Kev! The water!

That wouldn't have been so bad except that I had set the salad bowl down next to the boiling water--don't ask, I never said I had common sense--which turned the salad into hot lettuce soup.

(Which, by the way, is a delicacy in Austria.)

BRAD: Where's Meryl when you need her?

The chicken might have been salvageable if the stuff I put on it hadn't turned into something that looked more than a little like mucous.

ANTHONY: You didn't add an egg to that, did you?
ME: Should I not have?
BRAD: Why would you randomly add an egg to something?
ME: Because that's what people who cook do! They add eggs to things! Everything has egg on it!
BRAD: Including your face at the moment.

We ended up doing what I do best.

Ordering in.

Hey, maybe once this week is over that could be a new rule...

"Thou Shalt Know the Best Chinese Take-Out"

Just a thought.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Thou Shalt Let AJ Dress Thee

It was AJ's turn to turn the tables.

Being the original thinker that he is, he realized I could use a new attire.

AJ: Kev, your car's beyond hope. I'm talking about your clothes.
ME: No, AJ, 'attire' is--never mind.

Normally, whenever I walk into a clothing store, I fall into a pile and start hyperventilating.

In the event that I needed to be sedated, AJ brought along back-up.

BRAD: I was promised cocktails.
ME: Since when does American Eagle offer drinks while you shop?
BRAD: I wouldn't step foot in American Eagle unless I was planning to move to a shack in the woods and pretend I liked girls.
AJ: I used to work at American Eagle!
BRAD: Point taken?
ME: Point taken.

The first store we went to was a little too preppy for me. Everything AJ put me in made me look like I was headed to play polo with my fellow Bulldogs.

AJ: You look stupid.
ME: Aren't you supposed to be helping?
BRAD: I agree with stupid.
ME: Next store.

The second store was a little too model-y. I'd have to have a heroin addiction to look good in any of their clothes.

BRAD: I'm buying half of what you just tried on.
ME: Uh, Brad--
BRAD: Intervention me later. I need to look good now.
AJ: Next store.

The third store we tried was one of those gay, trendy stores where everything you buy will be passe in about two days.

AJ: God, I forgot they put out the August line!
ME: There's a line for every month?
AJ: Some months have two lines. Like October.
ME: Why October?
AJ: Pre-Halloween, Post-Halloween.
ME: Where do you get the actual Halloween costume?
BRAD: That would be the--NEXT STORE!

By the time we'd hit our sixth store, I was exhausted, and half the stuff I bought just didn't seem to fit me.

AJ: Sorry K-Brock. I guess I failed.
ME: You didn't fail.
BRAD: No, of course you didn't. Kevin's just a fashion disaster.
ME: Thanks Brad.
BRAD: He sucks everybody into the black hole of his horrific style.
ME: Again, Brad, thank you.
BRAD: He's just a walking--

I did manage to find one shirt I liked...

I returned it three days later, but at the time, it was quite smashing.

I guess, like fashion, I'm just very of the moment.

BRAD: Or a plane crash in the middle of a trainwreck.

Yeah, or that.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Thou Shalt Let Aaron Expose Me to Film

In celebration of getting my kids back from Scooter, I decided to let them play teacher for a week.

AARON: This is so exciting.
ME: You don't get out much, Aaron.
AARON: That's because you don't let me!
ME: Point taken. What do you want to teach me about?

Aaron had a list of films he wanted me to watch.

ME: Oh, this won't be so bad then. I love movies.
AARON: Great. All we're doing for the next eight hour is--
ME: EIGHT HOURS? Aaron, Robert Ebert doesn't watch that many movies in a row.
AARON: No, but I'm pretty sure that's how long he takes to clear a buffet.

Not only were we spending an entire day watching movies, but the movies were--

AARON: Let's start with anime.

--Not exactly what I would call Robert Altman's biggest hits.

It's not that I'm not open to anime, I just feel overwhelmed by it. I feel like in order to like certain things you need to love them from the day you exit the womb.

You know--Sports, Foreign Languages, Barbra Streisand, etc.

AARON: Well, we have eight hours to get you up to speed.

We certainly did.

And you know what? By the third hour, I was kind of into it.

By hour seven, I was white-knuckling it.

AARON: Hey Kev, mind if we call it an evening?
ME: What? But we still have an hour.
AARON: I kind of feel like going out.
ME: Fine. Go out. I'll be here when you get back.
AARON: Kevin, I thought--
ME: Just go! I'm losing time here.

I'm not exactly sure when Aaron left, or when he came back.

The last thing I remember was reaching for the last pretzel in the bag while the sound of anime lingered in the background.

To quote Aladdin, my favorite Disney shirtless Disney character--

A whole new world...A dazzling place I never knew...

Great, another addiction.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Thou Shalt Get the Gang All Here

I didn't want to have to do it.

ME: Hey, it's me. I need a little help.

I really didn't want to.

ME: It's Scooter. He's back.

I mean, you know I love a good reunion.

ME: No, I don't think we'll need a taser.

But not like this. Never like this.

ME: Do I need to say it...Rally?

It's come down to this.

Prisms--Friday night--Karaoke.

Just like old times.

Aaron, AJ, Anthony, Alicia--even Brad--were all out and enjoying themselves with their new leader.


ME: Let's bust this party up.

Coming in from the left, we have Dwight.

DWIGHT: Hi, you must be Aaron.
AARON: Uh, yeah. Hi.
DWIGHT: I'm Dwight. I'm friends with Scooter.
AARON: Oh cool. Nice to meet you.
DWIGHT: You guys dated, right?
AARON: Yeah, for a little while. We've been reconnecting over the past few days.
DWIGHT: Aw, that's bad.
AARON: How come?
DWIGHT: Well, I actually think you're kind of cute.
AARON: Oh, well, it's not that serious yet--
DWIGHT: Yeah, but I can't take a chance on my health.
AARON: Your health?
DWIGHT: Yeah, I mean, I know Scooter is really conscious about when he's having outbreaks, but you just can't chance something like that.

Coming in from the right, we have Turner.

TURNER: Hey there, AJ.
AJ: Oh hey. Do I know you?
TURNER: Not yet, but you will.
AJ: Huh?
TURNER: You know, later tonight, when we...
AJ: We?
TURNER: You know! You, me, Scooter--
AJ: Are you talking about a--
TURNER: Look, I just want to run a few things by you, okay?
AJ: Uh...
TURNER: You're into food, right?
AJ: Food?
TURNER: You know, having someone eat baby food off of you?
AJ: Whoa, what--
TURNER: Because Scooter said you'd love it. He said he hasn't done that with you yet, but that now you're comfortable with him and--
AJ: I'm not THAT comfortable.
TURNER: Does this mean the whipping is out too?

Bringing up the rear (hehe), we have Nick.

NICK: Yo, Anthony.
ANTHONY: Yo--do I know you?
NICK: Bitch, you better know me. You owe me money.
NICK: Scooter said you're the one he borrowed money for, which means you're the one I'm collecting from.
ANTHONY: Hey, I don't know anything about any money.
NICK: Oh, you don't, huh? I suppose you don't know anything about the JuJu either?
ANTHONY: What the hell is Juju?
NICK: Newest club drug. Scooter says you're hooked.
ANTHONY: That's bull, man!
NICK: Oh, so he's lying, huh? I thought that was your boy?
ANTHONY: He was--is--uh--
NICK: So you're not smuggling some JuJu in your rectum right now?

Finally, we have Brian--to seal the deal.

ALICIA: You're--?
BRIAN: Scooter's bff!
ALICIA: Oh my God! So nice to meet you!
BRIAN: He said you're the coolest girl ever!
ALICIA: Did he really say that?
BRIAN: Totally. And can I just tell you, it's such a relief to know that he finally met someone who doesn't care about his past.
ALICIA: Oh, I don't--which part of his past?
BRIAN: Hahaha, you're funny. Scooter said you were funny.
ALICIA: Well, I am whimsical but--
BRIAN: You'd have to have a sense of humor to overlook three domestic violence arrests, I guess.

And just like that, Scooter toppled.

Not only did everyone strand him at the club, but my phone starting vibrating like an easy chair at Sharper Image.

AJ: Can I go back to school now?
ALICIA: I'm scarring on the inside.

To show that there were no hard feelings, me and the boys took Scooter out to IHOP.

SCOOTER: So you got rid of me. Are you happy?
ME: I didn't want to get rid of you. I just wanted you to stop sabotaging my fledglings.
TURNER: It was actually kind of fun taking you down a notch, Scooter.
BRIAN: I'm sorry, but when was it not fun?
DWIGHT: That Aaron kid gave me his number.
ME: That's actually the number to the West Warwick Public Library.
DWIGHT: Are you serious?
ME: Thou Shalt Not Give Out Thy Number to Republicans, Dwight.

It was good to have some laughs with old friends.

NICK: I hated having to black it up like that. I felt like Pam Grier.
ME: You all did fantastic.
SCOOTER: I guess this means I'm heading back to Boston.
ME: You don't hate me, do you?
SCOOTER: Actually, I miss you a lot. Why don't you come visit more?
BRIAN: Please, he doesn't even visit me and I'm his best friend.
TURNER: Uh, I believe I'm the one due for a visit.

Normally I'd say I don't like being fought over by boys--but like this...

BRAD: I'll come visit all of you. No wonder there are no cute boys left in Rhode Island--they all moved.

...I make exceptions to the rules.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Convert

With all the craziness surrounding Scooter's return, I nearly forgot about the date I'd made with Alicia.

ALICIA: Kevin, have you ever had sex with a woman?

I should have cancelled the date.

ME: No, why would you ask that?
ALICIA: I was wondering if you ever questioned your sexuality.
ME: I question my sanity, but never my sexuality.
ALICIA: What would you say if I told you I was interested in a guy who's a little bit confused?
ME: What's he confused about? Trigonometry?
ALICIA: He thinks he might like girls.
ME: As opposed to--
ALICIA: Well, right now, he considers himself...someone...who doesn' girls.

This is where my sensitivity kicks in.

ME: Absolutely not.
ME: No.
ALICIA: Kevin!

I nearly pulled an NJH (New Jersey Housewife) and knocked over our table at Andrea's.

ME: Who is this idiot anyway?
VOICE: Whoa!

I shouldn't have asked.

Scooter sat down next to Alicia with a big smile on his face.

ME: Okay, this has gone far enough. Alicia, this is my friend--
ALICIA: I know.
ME: You know?
ALICIA: Anthony introduced me to him last night at Prisms.
ME: You went to Prisms?
SCOOTER: Not just us. AJ and Aaron came too.
ME: Oh really? And how soon afterwards did you all go back to the motel and make a snuff film?
ALICIA: Kevin, we would have invited you, but since you forbid me to go there in the first place and since the boys said you've been mad at them--
ME: I've been mad at them because they've been sleeping with him!

I pointed at Scooter like an old Italian woman points at the village whore.

God, I've been watching too much Moonstruck.

SCOOTER: I'm going to excuse myself so you can warn Alicia not to fall in love with me.
ALICIA: Aw, he might be too late!

Instead of bothering with Alicia--thereby continuing my losing streak--I followed Scooter.

ME: You don't actually plan on sleeping with her, do you?
SCOOTER: Of course not. The fact that she wants me is satisfying enough.
ME: Alicia isn't a gay boy, Scooter. There's a chance she can still see heaven.
SCOOTER: And you're going to lead her there?
ME: Just call me Saint Peter.

I had prepared for this...Well, maybe not this, but something like this.

After running to my car, I came back and dropped a very large photo album on the table.

ALICIA: What's this?
ME: These are the Scooter chronicles.
SCOOTER: The what?
ME: I like to think of it as psychological contraception.
ALICIA: Kevin, please don't. It's not necessary. I know Scooter is gay, but I can't but think that loving someone this much has to have an effect on them. And I don't believe in labels anyway.
SCOOTER: Neither do I.
ME: Really? Not even--

Photo One

ME: Naked Beer Pong Champion?
SCOOTER: You can't prove that's me. Whoever it is is wearing a Joker mask.
ALICIA: And not much else.

Photo Two

ME: That would be you, wouldn't it?
ALICIA: Scooter, are you having sex in a playpen?
SCOOTER: I was dating a Manny.

Photo Three

ALICIA: Oh my God.
ME: If this photo had been taken in Tibet, Scooter would have a price on his head right now.
SCOOTER: Wow, my thighs used to be wicked strong.

I shut the album.

ME: Still in love, Alicia?
ALICIA: Yes, but now, like always, I feel guilty about it.
SCOOTER: You know what cures guilt? Karaoke.
ME: Ohhh no! You are not taking her anyway. Alicia is coming home with me.
ALICIA: Really?
ME: Yes, and then I'm sending you back to your home.
SCOOTER: Or you could come with me, we can get drunk, and I'll make out with you once I start seeing double.
ALICIA: Let's go!

I could have stood in their way, but really, what would be the point?

I'd lost. Scooter won.

All I could think was--

Maybe it's time to shut down the school...

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Thou Shalt Use a Tool to Screw; Thou Shalt Not Screw a Tool and Get Used

Scooter's return to town has become the equivalent of a hurricane touching down on a port town.

BRAD: Is this your way of asking for help?

I'm calling in Brad.

Scooter had already successfully managed to derail any progress Aaron was having with trying to meet nice guys, and he killed AJ's not-sleeping-with-losers streak.

Now I had a feeling he'd set his sights on Anthony.

BRAD: Don't you think you're being a little bit paranoid?
ME: Where Scooter is concerned, there is no paranoia. All your worst fears come true.
BRAD: Didn't you used to be friends with this guy?
ME: Oh, we're still friends. I just don't trust him to be around anyone with a weak sense of self without completely destroying them.
BRAD: Sounds like a pal to me.

Brad and I headed over to Anthony's apartment to try and head Scooter off at the pass.

God, I can't believe I just used the term 'head off at the pass.'

When we got to Anthony's apartment, Scooter's car was already parked out front.

ME: This is impossible!
BRAD: Are you sure he doesn't have a tracking device on you?
ME: I checked.
BRAD: Well, he can't have been here long. Didn't you just leave him with AJ?
ME: Trust me, he moves fast. He may have even brought AJ over to screw two birds with one stone.

We knocked on the door, and Anthony answered--fully clothed, thank God.

ANTHONY: Hey! We were wondering when you were going to get here.
ME: The 'we' being you and Scooter?
ANTHONY: Yeah! He told me you said to get the party started and you'd join us later.
ME: I said no such thing.

Scooter appeared behind Anthony mixing a drink.

SCOOTER: You know I have a hard time hearing you when you speak lameass.

I barged into the apartment, and pulled Scooter into the bathroom.

ME: Stop.
SCOOTER: Stop what?
ME: You know what.
SCOOTER: Again, lameass.
ME: Scooter, in less than twenty-four hours, you have slept with two out of the four people I'm trying to help.
SCOOTER: I know, but I'm not counting that chick because I haven't been bi since high school.
ME: Finish your drink. Say your good-byes. Then head back to Boston.
SCOOTER: Eat some nachos. Play some Cranium. Then we'll talk.

There's no reasoning with him when he's like this.

We all had our nachos, played some Cranium, and by the time we were done, everyone--aside from me--was trashed.

In Scooter terminology, "trashed" means "good to go."

ANTHONY: Kev, I might need a speech soon.
ME: Let's take this to the bedroom.
SCOOTER: That's what I said!
BRAD: Less talking, more pouring, Scoop.
SCOOTER: Scooter.
BRAD: Whatever.

In Anthony's bedroom, I got to the bottom of why he--and many others--find Scooter so irresistible.

ANTHONY: He's so stupid.

Ah, the money trait.

ANTHONY: I mean, come on, that's hot, right?
ME: Can you explain to me what's hot about someone being a tool?
ANTHONY: Maybe it's the caveman in me.
ME: You are aware the cavemen had enlarged foreheads and ate raw bison, right?
ANTHONY: What's bison?
ME: Pre-historic kittens.
ANTHONY: Ew! Really?

Hey, I have to have some fun too.

ME: Anthony, this is exactly what's wrong with all of you. You have your preferences and your priorities all mixed up. You should be going for guys who are smart, kind, reliable--
ME: No! You need to reassess what you want in life. If you just want one-night stands and walks of shame then keep getting with guys like Scooter. If you want to wake up twenty years from now next to someone you're actually proud to be waking up next to, then you need to go back in that kitchen and tell Scooter to leave.

Anthony took a deep breath.

ANTHONY: Kev, you know the great thing about a diet?
ME: No, what?
ANTHONY: You can always start it tomorrow.

With that, he took off into the kitchen.

I gathered up my dignity and met Brad in the front hall.

BRAD: You ready to give up?
ME: I've not yet begun to fight.
BRAD: But he's won. Anthony and he--
ME: I know, I know. But there's one thing about Scooter you don't understand.
BRAD: What's that?

With Scooter, the game is never really over.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Hook Up

Leave it to Scooter.

SCOOTER: Who doesn't leave it to me?

He's back in my life for a grand total of two hours, and he's already making things difficult.

SCOOTER: It's a good thing too.
ME: How do you figure?
SCOOTER: Your life was getting boring.

After leaving Aaron's apartment last night--having found him and Scooter post-post--I texted Scooter and asked him to meet me for lunch at an old haunting ground.

SCOOTER: So am I the Brian now?

The NC.

ME: Not a chance in Hell.
SCOOTER: How is Bri anyway?
ME: I hear Seattle's treating him well.
SCOOTER: You're the last Rhode Island hold-out. You know that, right?
ME: I wouldn't call myself a hold-out.
SCOOTER: I'd call you a lameass.
ME: Why? Because I'm not making poor choices anymore?
SCOOTER: Yes! And because ever since you stopped making poor choices, your life has gotten sooo boring.
ME: How would you know? You ran off to Boston like it was Siberia and haven't spoke to me since.
SCOOTER: I know, and I'm sorry. I got all caught up in things, but now I'm back.
ME: For the time being.
SCOOTER: It looks like I came back just in time. Aaron told me about your little school for boys.

It's not like I was trying to keep the blog from Scooter. I always send him the links to my entries, but he's not really big on reading anything that doesn't have pictures and one-syllable words.

SCOOTER: Have you actually convinced these guys that you're a goodie-goodie?
ME: I never claimed to be an angel. I just think you can learn a lot from a man who's made mistakes.
SCOOTER: Wow, they must be getting an advanced course from you then.
ME: Oooh, look who got catty.
SCOOTER: I just wonder if they know just how much fun you can really be.
ME: What are you talking about?
SCOOTER: Have you told them about the Ashton Kutcher?
ME: You've been gone too long, Scoot. I even have a Demi Moore now.

We turned around to see AJ coming towards us.

ME: I didn't invite AJ.
SCOOTER: No, but I did.
ME: What?
SCOOTER: I found him on your Facebook. He's cute. He's a protege too, right?
ME: Scooter, if this is going to become some sick little mission of yours to bag every one of my guys--
SCOOTER: I'm not going to bag them. I just want to fuck most of them.

Kill me.

AJ: Thanks for inviting me, Scooter. Kevin's never told me about you.
ME: For the same reason I never mentioned my many yeast infections.
AJ: Ew, you had those?
ME: It's a--never mind.

We all tried to have a merry lunch--at least, they did. I was too pre-occupied watching Scooter eye-fuck AJ and watching AJ eye-ask-for-more back.

When Scooter excused himself to go to the men's room, I laid down the law.

ME: No.
AJ: Aw!
AJ: K-Brock!
ME: Ajax, it ain't happenin'. You don't know Scooter like I do.
AJ: What don't I know?
ME: He hooked up with Aaron last night. That means you'd be breaking more than one rule.
AJ: Are you serious?
ME: Dead serious.
AJ: So what is he just trying to get everybody that you're trying to help?
ME: He might be.
AJ: So I'm just a box on his checklist?
ME: Yup.
AJ: Well never mind then. Nobody uses me for sex.


AJ: Without being really honest with me about it.

Scooter returned to the table.

SCOOTER: So, anybody want to head back to my place for a threeway?
AJ: Did you actually just say that?
ME: God, it's just like old times.
SCOOTER: Might as well put the cards on the table.
AJ: You're not going to pretend like you like me?
SCOOTER: Dude, you seem all right, but you're not really my type. I wouldn't mind having some fun with you though.
AJ: Oh.

...Please, please, please...

AJ: Let's do it.

God has forsaken me. Me and Mischa Barton.

ME: I don't believe this.
SCOOTER: Not coming, Kev?
ME: Not on your life.
AJ: See now if you had come, I might have passed. Someone has a lot to learn, K-Brock.

Scooter paid the bill, and walked out with AJ.

I better call Anthony now.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Thou Shalt Beware Blasts from the Past

Aaron and I were discussing his ex-boyfriend.

ME: I didn't even know you had an ex-boyfriend.

Nowadays boys start dating before they've even left the closet.

AARON: It wasn't really a relationship...He was...
ME: He was?
AARON: Not exactly someone to be proud of--in the dating sense.
ME: So why did you date him?
AARON: There was just something about him.

Apparently the old flame was back in town for a visit.

AARON: I'm not sure what I should do.
ME: Are you worried that if you're around him again--
AARON: I'll rip his clothes off in less time than it takes him to say hello.
ME: I was going to say 'make a mistake' but okay.

We agreed that I should be there when Aaron's ex makes his grand re-entrance into his life. Since it was nice out, we grabbed an outdoor table at Paragon.

AARON: Whatever I say, don't leave me alone with him.
ME: Deal.
AARON: I think that's him rounding the corner.
ME: Okay.
AARON: God, he looks amazing.
ME: Should I--
AARON: You should get the hell out of here, that's what you should do!
ME: No can do.
AARON: I hate you! I hate you! I--Hi!

I stood up and turned around.

VOICE: No way!


ME: Scooter?
AARON: You two know each other?
ME: Uh...

(100 Dates--See: Man Whore)

ME: Yes, we do.
SCOOTER: Don't be like that. We're friends, me and Kevster.
ME: Scooter and I had...

What should I say?

Regrettable physical interaction?
Hot fun times?
An odd sort of friendship?

SCOOTER: We used to hang out.
AARON: So pretty much what we had, huh?
SCOOTER: Aw, Aaron, you know you're special.

Gee, thanks.

We all sat around and had lunch. Aaron seemed to be conducting himself pretty well. Maybe Scooter had actually failed to work his magic on someone.

ME: Well, this was great.
AARON: Yeah, it was fun.
SCOOTER: We should do it again!

We all said our good-byes, and I started walking back towards my car.

Don't ask me why, but somehow I knew I had to do the drive-by.

I can't say I was exactly surprised when I saw Scooter's car in front of Aaron's apartment building.

Knock, Knock.

AARON: Oh, hey Kev.
ME: He's here, isn't he?
AARON: I'm getting a lecture, aren't I?
ME: As soon as you put on pants.
VOICE: Hey, is that the pizza?

Yup, Scooter's back.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Thou Shalt Dance Your Ass Off

My proteges are going through a bit of a dry spell.

AJ: That's because you won't let us have sex.

I've prohibited them from having sex with degenerates, losers, freaks, stalkers, and/or crazy people.

This has eliminated all their former sexual partners.

ANTHONY: This blows.

Call me a Meanie. I don't mind.

ALICIA: Kevin, I can't keep going like this. I'm on the verge of breaking out my yearbook and Facebooking guys who used to be hot in high school.

Never let it be said that I'm heartless.

AARON: I was actually going to call you something much worse.

I've decided to take my kids dancing.

AJ: We get to go back to the club?!
ME: Not exactly.

We're going real dancing--like with steps, and everything.

PAYE: Five, six, seven, eight!

My old dance teacher Paye from 100 Dates offered to have the gang step in on a class to get rid of some of their sexual tension.

AARON: The instructor is hot.
ME: I know, I dated him.
AJ: God, K-Brock, you used to unwrap it with the best of 'em.
ME: Damn straight, cubby. Now let's bust a move.
ANTHONY: It's like I'm hanging out with my mom.
ALICIA: Wait, I'm confused. Is the dance teacher straight or not?

We all partnered up, and after an hour or so, we looked almost, not quite pathetic.

AARON: Kevin! I thought you said you took this class before!
ME: I have.
AARON: You just stepped on my feet for the third time.
ME: I didn't say I learned anything. I took Spanish all throughout high school and I still only know how to say 'My name is Kevin' and 'No, like the vegetable.'

Alicia wound up with a very attractive guy, and sparks were definitely flying.

When we took a fluid break, she snuck over to me.

ALICIA: Kevin, this is a great way to meet guys!
ME: Just be careful that your hormones aren't what's making you think you like him.
ALICIA: He just told me he's a doctor who lives on the East Side and occasionally does charity work in Jamaica.
ME: Go, go now.
ALICIA: So you--
ME: Vaya con dios, Alicia! GO!

She wasn't the only one making a love connection.

ANTHONY: Pita just asked me out on a date!
ME: You mean Paye?
ANTHONY: Yeah! Can I go?
ME: Anthony, you don't have to ask my permission.
ANTHONY: Aw, thanks, Kev.
ME: Of course you can't go.
ANTHONY: What? Why not?
ME: I dated Paye!
ANTHONY: You're still on that rule?
ME: I just--why do you--YES!
ANTHONY: Well I'm going anyway. You can deal.

He walked away from me.

AARON: Are you upset?
ME: No, of course not. I'm being silly anyway. Paye was forever ago. He's a great guy. It's a good thing that Anthony and he are going to hang out.
AARON: You're still pissed, aren't you?
ME: Sooo pissed.

It's a good thing I have AJ to keep me in perspective.

AJ: K-Brock, when you dance, you look like someone invisible person is punching you in the sack.

And by "perspective," I mean--ridicules me.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Talk HIm Up

Alicia has been seeing a guy.

ALICIA: He's not a friend or the ex of a friend.

At least some people are listening to me.

ALICIA: I can't wait to tell you about him.

Although soon, I won't be listening.

ME: Alicia, I need you to not talk about him.
ALICIA: You're kidding, right?

Why do people always ask me that?

Alicia and I were eating lunch at the Steeple, where I was still in a quandary over the "no dating ex's of friends" rule. It seemed like in a state as small as Rhode Island, steering clear of degrees of separation would be harder than it...okay, well I guess it's pretty obvious that it would be difficult.

ALICIA: Hey! Back to me!

While I pondered, I decided to give Alicia her latest lesson.

ME: Alicia, don't be that girl that only talks about the guy she's dating.
ALICIA: But I'm excited about it!
ME: Is that all you're excited about?
ALICIA: Kevin, I'm a paralegal. I eat take-out. I see seventeen movies a week. Yes, that is all I have to be excited about, sorry.
ME: I just think when you talk about a guy a lot, somehow, he senses it.
ALICIA: You mean you think he can feel me being clingy even when he's not here?
ME: Straight guys are funny like that.

That night I took Alicia out for AJ's birthday party, and had her put her conversation aversion skills to the test. Not only did I not want her to talk about the guy, I was hoping she could improve her chatting overall.

Here's how she did:

AARON: So Alicia, what have you been up to lately?
ALICIA: I've been reading up on Iran, fascinating country.
AARON: Wow, good for you.

I told her, when in doubt, mention Iran. Nobody wants to know anything about Iran, but people are impressed when you say you're interested in it.

AJ: Hey Alicia, been seeing anyone new lately?
ALICIA: I might be.
AJ: Ooohh, deets?
ALICIA: He's a great guy. I don't want to jinx it. How have you been?
AJ: Well--

The turn-around, always works.

ANTHONY: Hey Alicia, I hear you went out on a few dates with my friend Steve.

God, everybody really does know everybody.

ALICIA: Kevin, you didn't prep me for this.
ME: Go with your gut.

She turned back to Anthony.

ALICIA: Tell me he loves me.

Remind me never to tell her to go with her gut again. Next time I'll have her go with a kidney.

ANTHONY: I know he thinks you're really cool. I don't know if--
ME: She was kidding--haha--someone refill the chip bowl.

I took Alicia out onto AJ's fire escape.

ME: Alicia--
ALICIA: I know, but I can't help it. I'm excited. And I'm never excited. Why can't I just be excited about being excited?
ME: It's fine to be excited about a new relationship, but you don't want to alienate your friends by forgetting they exist just because some new flashy boy came along.
ALICIA: I wouldn't do that!


ALICIA: Okay, yes I would.
ME: Just like anything else, it's all about balance.
ALICIA: So I promise to try and balance, I can gush a little.
ME: Oh what the hell, it's a birthday party after all.

Five minutes later...

ALICIA: So I think his right toe is supercute!
AJ: Where's Iran?

That's why we save 'Balance' for the last lesson.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Date the Ex of a Friend

My last lesson was on dating friends.

ANTHONY: But that's not what I did!

This time we're taking on dating ex's of friends.

ANTHONY: Okay, so that's what I did.

(I promise, it doesn't get too confusing.)

Anthony was on the outs with one of his buddies, because he'd started shacking up with his friend Ram's ex.

ME: Ram?
ANTHONY: From his football days.
BRAD: Maybe I should meet this get a better handle.
ME: On him or the problem?
BRAD: I'll abstain from answering that.

Anthony met up with Wes, Ram's ex-boyfriend, at Prisms one night, and the two had ended up--you guessed it--going home together.

ME: Gee, I can't imagine why your friend would be mad.
ANTHONY: That's what I said!
ME: That was sarcasm.
ANTHONY: Why can't I date him? They're not dating anymore.
ME: This is where I go to the 'What Would the Straights Do.'
ME: What do you think would happen if a straight guy found out one of his buddies was dating his ex-girlfriend?
ANTHONY: He'd get f**ked up.
ME: Exactly. So why is it okay for a gay guy to do the exact same thing?
ANTHONY: Because...
ME: Should I get your sippy cup or are you going to give me an actual reason?
ANTHONY: What are you getting at, Kev?

Here comes the big rule, ladies and gentlemen.

ME: You shouldn't date someone your friend has dated.
ANTHONY: Kev, we live in Rhode Island. Everyone's dated everyone. If I can't date someone one of my friends have dated, who the hell am I left with?
ME: You're left with friends who don't hate you.
BRAD: And way less laundry to do once you take the sheets out of the equation.
ME: Remind me never to bunk with you for any reason.
BRAD: Oh, as if.

I was convinced that Anthony was just exaggerating, but neither he nor Brad would let this one go. They took me out to Slice to illustrate their point.

ANTHONY: See? I've either dated or been friends with someone who dated everyone here.
ME: You can't be serious.
BRAD: Actually, I'm in the same boat.
ME: God, you two are--Wait a second.

I looked around the room.

Friend Dated
Friend Dated
Friend Dated

ME: Wow.
ANTHONY: So are you gonna take back that rule?
ME: No, I just need a new angle on it.
BRAD: While you're getting a new angle, I'm getting a new drink.

There has to be a way to make this rule work.


Friday, July 24, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Date a Friend

At first, I was all for it.

AJ went on a few dates with a guy he's been friends with for a few years. It seemed like a huge step forward that he was connecting with someone he already had a solid foundation-ship with, and for a short time, I couldn't have been prouder.

Then I remembered it was AJ I was dealing with...

So I Facebooked.

Doby (Yes, Doby, like Tobey and Dobby combined) is, I have to say, a disaster.

There are photos of him at every cliched gay vacation spot you can think of making out with any number of guys, and right alongside him is my little protege, AJ.

AJ: It just hit us.
BRAD: Gonorrhea?

We were all at Brad's apartment having a few drinks before going to a movie.

AJ: No--Love!
BRAD: You'd have been better off with the gono. At least it's curable.
AJ: We've been friends for all this time and then BAM! Love.
ME: And you think you have something real to build a relationship on?
AJ: K-Brock, I've already seen him naked. WMCTB?
BRAD: Non-abbreviated?
AJ: What more could there be?

Oh, amour.

ME: AJ, dating friends can sometimes be a bad idea.
AJ: I know, I know--it can ruin the friendship.
BRAD: It can also ruin furniture if you break it off over red wine.


BRAD: Another story for another time.

Doby met us at the movie. From the moment I saw him, I knew he and AJ were perfect together.

DOBY: Oh my God, these fat people in front of me were NOT walking fast enough. That's why I'm late. Who's buying my ticket?

Which was exactly why he had to go. I was trying to cultivate a new AJ. Doby was hard-core old AJ. He was the "Good Morning, Miss Bliss" to my "Saved by the Bell."

I could see he was a bad influence during the movie when he shouted out--

DOBY: That bitch is gonna DIE!

And AJ responded with--

AJ: Totes going to die!

Now, this would be bad enough during a horror movie.

DOBY: Ooohh, she looks NASTY bald.

But we watching My Sister's Keeper.

BRAD: Cameron Diaz really needs lipo.
ME: Great. I'm seeing a movie with Catty, Bitchy, and Queen.
BRAD: I'm the Queen, right?

After the movie, I offered to drive AJ home. I let Brad deposit Doby in whatever dumpster he crawled out of for the evening.

ME: AJ--
AJ: I know, it's not going to work.
ME: I just can't believe you ever thought it would. He brings out the worst in you.
AJ: But he doesn't judge me, K-Brock. Every guy I like does. They know all about my reputation and they won't get over it.

That's when it hit me. AJ felt trapped by his past, and dating Doby was a way of saying screw it, let me just hug the damn past.

AJ: Nobody else will even give me a chance.
ME: If you promise to...let Doby down easy...I might be able to help you with that.
AJ: For riz?
ME: Proms.
AJ: Exclamation point!

Oh God, now I'm talking like him.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Dumb It Down

Aaron is intimidated.

AARON: He's completely unimpressed by my intelligence.

...By stupidity.

He met a new guy who he really liked, but it became evident pretty quickly that this guy was no...uh...

BRAD: He's an idiot.

Thank you, Brad.

The three of us were having dinner at Andrea's discussing Aaron's dilemma.

BRAD: There is no dilemma. Why would you want to date someone dumber than you are?
AARON: Isn't it just as shallow to discriminate against someone because of their intelligence quotient as it would be to judge them for their looks?
ME: That's a very good point, Aaron.
BRAD: Plus, you think he's hot, right?
AARON: Oh my gosh, totally hot.

Herein lies the problem: How do you stay smart if you're dating someone--

BRAD: Moronic.

--not quite as smart as you are?

AARON: Should I try to make him smarter?
BRAD: What are you going to do? Enroll him in an Art History course?
AARON: It wouldn't matter anyway. It almost seems like...he doesn't mind...being...not so bright.
ME: He probably doesn't. Sadly, at this period in our history, gay men are the social equivalent of Valley Girls.
BRAD: Bummer.

I know, definitely not rad, man.

AARON: So what should I do?
ME: Just be yourself.

Go-to, cliche advice, I know. But it works!

AARON: He doesn't want to see me anymore.

...Okay 'works' is a general term.

AARON: He says he doesn't 'get me.'
ME: And by 'you,' he means--
AARON: Anything I say. He says it's like listening to a zebra talk.
ME: Zebras don't talk.
AARON: I'm sure he knows that. I mean, I wouldn't bet on it, but--
ME: Aaron, if he can't appreciate you for the smartass you are, then forget him.
AARON: Is it bad that I wish I had dumbed it down just a little?
ME: Why?
AARON: So I could have gotten to sleep with him. I hear dumb guys are, like, wicked good in bed.
ME: I'm going to hang up now. Go do some math.

I hear fractions are the new cold showers.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Thou Shalt Leave More Than a Tip

I have so few joys in life--

Game Shows
Good Books
Googling Myself

But now I was ready for another Heavy G.

My 25th Birthday.

BRAD:  Congratulations, you're old.  Where's the booze?

What better place to celebrate than Cheesecake Factory?  And what better people to celebrate with than Brad and my Merry Band of Proteges?

AARON:  So Kev, is this going to be another test?
ME:  What do you mean, Aaron?
AJ:  Come on, we know you wouldn't get us all together and not teach us some dumb lesson.
ANTHONY:  Is this going to a challenge about eating better?
ALICIA:  Developing our culinary tastes?
BRAD:  Picking what wine to serve with...more wine?
ME:  Okay, I give, but the challenge is a lot more fun than that.

That was when the waiter appeared.

WAITER:  Can I start you all out with drinks?
ME:  Actually, could you come back in a minute?
WAITER:  Sure thing.

He went on his way, and I divulged my challenge.

ME:  I want one of you to get the waiter's number.

They all looked dumbfounded...which is sort of their default look, but nevertheless...

AARON:  What?
AJ:  You want us to--
ANTHONY:  Get Pretty Boy's number?
ALICIA:  But aren't we supposed to be learning to be--
BRAD:  Not slutty?
ME:  That's the point.  I want you to get the number without being too overt.
AJ:  Uh...
ME:  Obvious, Anthony.
AJ:  Maybe it's obvious to you, but that doesn't mean I know what the word is.  I don't have an English--Oh, it means 'obvious,' doesn't it?
BRAD:  This should be rich.

Alicia raised her hand.

ALICIA:  But what am I supposed to do?
ME:  You're joining in.
ANTHONY:  I'm not into that.
ME:  I mean, you're going to try and get his number too.  I did a little research before I came tonight, and it turns out Jerry--
AJ:  His name is Jerry?  Like Tom and Jerry?
ME:  --He goes both ways.  So y'all have equal opportunity.
BRAD:  I'm going to need more wine.

I could see that they were going to need a little push.

ME:  Hey, none of you have to participate.  If you think you can't get the number---
AJ:  Whoa, who said 'can't?'
ANTHONY:  I could get his number.
AARON:  Yeah, he's not that hot.
ALICIA:  And I'm wearing my deceptive bra.

That was easy.

AARON:  What do we get if we get the number?
ME:  The rest of us buy your dinner.
AJ:  Really?
ME:  And mine, because it's my birthday.
ANTHONY:  We'd have to pay for two people?
AJ:  Oh, it's on now.

Let the games begin.

Player #1:  Aaron

WAITER:  What will you be having?
AARON:  What would you recommend?
WAITER:  The swordfish is good.
AARON:  Have you...eaten it?
WAITER:  Uh, yeah.
AARON:  I see...
WAITER:  So do you want it?
AARON:  The swordfish?
WAITER:  Yeah.
AARON:  No, I don't like fish.
WAITER:  Okay.
AARON:  Do you hate me?
WAITER: I should come back.

Wow...just wow.

Player #2:  AJ

WAITER:  How's your salad?
AJ:  It's fantastic.  Want to try some?
WAITER:  I actually can't do that.
AJ:  Sure you can.
WAITER:  No, I can't.
AJ:  Fine, be like that.
WAITER:  Okay.  I'll be back later to check on you.

AJ caved a little early.

Player #3:  Anthony

WAITER:  How's your meal?
ANTHONY:  Great.  Hey, don't I know you?
WAITER:  No, you don't.
ANTHONY:  I swear I do.
WAITER:  Pretty sure you don't.
ANTHONY:  You ever go to Tago's?
WAITER:  Never.
ANTHONY:  Boo Boo's?
WAITER:  Nope.
ANTHONY:  How about Dazzle?
WAITER:  Is that even a place?
ANTHONY:  This steak sucks.

So much for the 'Don't I know you?' approach.

Player #4:  Alicia

WAITER:  Would you like dessert?
ALICIA:  Would you like a lady tonight?
WAITER:  I'll bring the check.

...Choo Choo...Choo Choo...CRASH!

AARON:  Well, that was a disaster.
AJ:  At least we're not buying two dinners.
ME:  What makes you say that?
ANTHONY:  Kev, that was horrible.
ALICIA:  Mortifying.
AJ:  We failed you, K-Brock.
ME:  Oh, absolutely.  But you're still buying two dinners.
ALL:  Huh?

They all looked down towards the other end of the table.

BRAD:  Sorry guys.  I guess he likes the strong, silent type.
ME:  Or he's a drunk looking for a co-dependence partner.
BRAD:  Either way, I'm glad I got the lobster.  Cheers!


Monday, July 20, 2009

Thou Shalt Believe in Kevin Broccoli

At first, I thought something had happened to Alicia.

BRAD: Kevin, you need to get here--now!

I could hear her crying in the background. Not unusual, but I still didn't waste time getting to Slice--where Brad, Alicia, and the other boys were waiting for me.

BRAD: Anthony couldn't come?
ME: I just left him. We were doing a crash course in why you shouldn't date your father. What's going on?
AJ: There's a shitshow going on inside.
ME: Beg your pardon?
AARON: Kevin, this guy set up--
VOICE: Allow me.

I turned around to see--who else?--Tommy, looking quite smug.

ME: Organized another circle jerk, Tommy?
TOMMY: Not quite. Didn't you see the banner?

Hanging above Slice was a banner that read "The Anti-School for Boys Party." Underneath was a photo of Alicia with a mustache drawn on her face.

No wonder she was crying--it wasn't even initially a flattering photo.

ME: This party's over.
TOMMY: What are you going to do?
AJ: We're going to go crack some heads.
ME: No, we're not. We're just going to--
TOMMY: I don't think you're going to do anything. No clever moves here, Kev. Inside that place is a large group of people--all of whom dislike you very strongly. They don't think you're cute. They don't think you're funny.
ME: They don't like to read or construct proper sentences?
TOMMY: Laugh all you want, but I know that underneath that smiling exterior, you're terrified of the idea that I can fill an entire club with people who hate your guts.
ME: So what? You think I'm just going to let you have this little assfest?
TOMMY: I don't see what choice you have. I believe this is called checkmate.
AJ: Nooooo, Checkmate is the club in Boston that--
AARON: Shut up, AJ.

I had to admit it. The idea of going into Slice and facing all those Broccoli haters...

I didn't think I could do it.

Then I looked over and saw Alicia, weeping and ruining her make-up, and I knew I had to do something. I couldn't back down after I'd spent all this time building up my proteges.

ME: I'm going in.
ALL: What?

Brad immediately tried to talk me out of it.

BRAD: You can't do this! I would have brought a video camera!

Okay, maybe "talk me out of it" was a bit--

AARON: Kevin, can't you call for some help?
AJ: Yeah! Get the Bitch Brigade in there to shake things up!
ME: No, this is something I have to do by myself.
BRAD: Really?
ME: By myself--and with Alicia.

The poor girl practically leaped off the curb.

ALICIA: Kevin, I'm not going in there. Did you not see--
ME: Alicia, we have to do this.
ALICIA: No, we don't! You made me swear off gay clubs, remember?
ME: Leave it to me to break my own rules then.
TOMMY: This could scar the girl, Kevin.
ALICIA: Kevin, no!

It was time for a battle speech.

ME: Alicia--and Aaron, and AJ--there are going to be situations that are just like this one. Scary, uncomfortable, times when you feel vulnerable and unsure of yourself. I won't always be able to be there when those times come around, but that doesn't mean you can run. It means you have to believe that even though I'm not there in person, I'm still there, because I believe in you guys. When you stand up for yourself, when you face people like Tommy here, when you walk into a room and everybody tries to push you out with their eyes, you look right back at them and you say with yours--'if you want me out of here, you're going to have to grow, come out, and say it.' It doesn't matter where you are or what you're up against, I'm right there with you, and so is everyone else who cares about you. Do you understand?


AJ: Not really.

New tactic.

ME: Angels in the Outfield?
AJ: Amazing movie.
ME: Remember how the angel wasn't really there, but they made Tony Danza think it was by having everybody in the stadium flap their wings?
AJ: Totally.
ME: While me and Alicia are in there, I need you guys to be flapping your wings.
AJ: Got it.
BRAD: I'm thinking there was head damage involved in your childhood, AJ.

The time had come.

Alicia and I walked into Slice, hands interlocked, ready to face whatever was inside.

It turned out to be...

Seven people.

ME: Uh...I'm confused.

Tommy came in right behind us, looking crestfallen.

TOMMY: A lot more people wanted to come, but it's a Sunday, so--
ME: So apparently, they hate me, but they all have to work tomorrow.
TOMMY: Pretty much.
ME: And all you could get were these seven?
TOMMY: Some of them are just here because they're club rats.
ME: Interesting.
TOMMY: But when I told them about you they agreed that you sound like a jerk.
ME: Well, that just breaks my heart.

Tommy went off to get a drink--and hopefully a ladder, to take down the banner.

ALICIA: So what do we do now?
ME: Now, we dance.

I ran back to the door to tell the others to come in, and what did I see?

BRAD: Anthony brought some ammunition.

Anthony and a small group of people all wearing "Protege" t-shirts--flapping their wings.

ME: God, I feel like Tony Danza.
BRAD: I wouldn't say you're that big a failure.

You know what? Neither would I.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Make Room for Daddy

I knew this would happen.

ME:  Anthony, tell me that's not him.
ANTHONY:  What?  You don't think he's hot?
ME:  For someone born pre-Vietnam, sure.

Anthony was about to introduce me to his new boyfriend--Gregory.

We were seated at Andrea's waiting for him to show up, when a guy old enough to be Anthony's father walked through the door.

Sure enough, that was the new boyfriend.

ME:  Anthony--
ANTHONY:  Kevin, age ain't nothing but a number.
ME:  You know who says that?  Pedophiles.
ANTHONY:  Kevin--
ME:  Now I know why he's late.  He was trying to figure out where to park his white van.

I was being a little bit meaner than usual.  The whole situation with Tommy was stressing me out, and I wasn't sure what to do about it.

ME:  I'm sorry, Anthony.  I shouldn't be so catty.
ANTHONY:  So you approve of him?
ME:  Absolutely not.  I'm just going to be more civil in my disapproval.

Gregory came over and we all had our introduction.  Then we sat down.

GREGORY:  So Anthony tells me you're something like his--life coach?
ME:  I prefer the term 'know-it-all.'
GREGORY:  You're clever.
ME:  Is that a bad thing?
GREGORY:  No, it'll keep me on my toes.
ME:  As long as their yours.

I bantered with him all night.  Anthony just sat there beaming at him.  When the evening was over, I walked Anthony back to his car.

ANTHONY:  So you don't like the two of us together?
ME:  No, and I also don't like peanut butter with onions.
ME:  The two don't mix--unless you're Fred Savage in Little Monsters.
ANTHONY:  Who's Fred Savage?
ME:  See!  You're even too young for me--let alone him!

We had reached my car.

ANTHONY:  But I like him.
ME:  Why?
ME:  Have you ever noticed that whenever someone says they like someone nobody ever asks why.  That's why so many people end up dating people they're wrong for and for such long periods of time.  Because nobody ever just asks--Why?  Why do you like this person?
ANTHONY:  I just do.
ME:  Do you have a lot in common with him?  Do you have long, never-ending conversations?  Do you find yourself physically attracted to him?
ME:  Or do you see a meal ticket with his own condo?
ANTHONY:  That's not fair.
ME:  All I did was ask.  If the answer's unfair; that's on you.

That was when my phone rang.

ME:  Hello?
VOICE:  Hey, Kevin?
ME:  Uh, yes.
VOICE:  I hope you don't mind.  I peeked through Anthony's phone while he was in the bathroom.
ME:  Gregory?
ANTHONY:  Gregory?
VOICE:  You got me.

I hit speakerphone.

ME:  So how can I help you, Gregory?
GREGORY:  I thought maybe we could hang out sometime.

Before Anthony could speak, I put my hand over his mouth.

ME:  Aren't you seeing my friend?
GREGORY:  I think you can tell we don't connect really well.
ME:  Does he not push your wheelchair fast enough around the corners?
GREGORY:  You don't actually think I'm too old for you, do you?
ME:  I think I see lots of attractive older men every day.
ME:  You're not one of them.
GREGORY:  I'm not your type?
ME:  Any man who tries to date a guy younger than him so he can control him, snoop through his phone, and try to hook up with his friends is anything but my type.
GREGORY:  So you're not interested in grabbing a drink?
ME:  Only if I can pour it on that cheap jacket you wore tonight.  Good-bye.

I hung up.

ANTHONY:  I can't believe that just happened.
ME:  This is why I like Andrea's--it's right near the Ben and Jerry's.
ANTHONY:  Let's go.

Over ice cream, we talked out a plan for Anthony's future dating life.  It felt good to be productive, and we parted laughing, which is always nice.

Then came the text message--

BRAD:  We have an emergency.

Gregory was not going to be my only problem tonight.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Hear It Through The Grapevine

I wanted to teach A.J. how to deal with rumors.

AJ: Did you tell people I pulled a knife on someone?
ME: Nooo, I told Brad to tell people that you pulled a knife on someone.
AJ: Why?
ME: Because I want to teach you how to handle gossip and other forms of verbal nastiness.
AJ: Didn't we already go over that with the Dick Clique?
ME: I think it's time you had the advanced course.

Within minutes, it was all over the blogs--okay, maybe making that plural isn't altogether honest.

"AJ Goes Cra-Zay! Pulls Knife on Prism Patrons!"

Rhyming AJ with Cra-Zay? That's the best they could do?

AJ: This sucks! Now everybody thinks I'm cra-zay!

I was at AJ's apartment, which was shrouded in black--allegedly for the demise of his social life.

ME: That means now is the time to address the rumors.
AJ: By cutting you for starting them?
ME: No! By going out and having fun.
AJ: How does that help anything?
ME: Because people expect someone who's done something wrong to hide, kind of like what you're doing now.
AJ: And I'm not going to do that?
ME: No, you're going to go out and show that you didn't do anything and make people reconsider their point of view.
AJ: Man, I'm too tired to change perspectives.
ME: Tough. Put on your dancin' shoes, Johnny. We're going out.

As soon as we walked into Prisms, the atmosphere got tense. People dodged out of our way. There were whispers everywhere. It was like showing up somewhere with Shannon Doherty.

AJ: Kevin, people are staring.
ME: You're an exhibitionist. You should be enjoying this.
AJ: What's that mean?

Remind me to make AJ's next lesson one on vocabulary.

ME: Okay, let's dance.
AJ: But shouldn't I say something?
ME: AJ, in times like these, it's impossible to stop the spreading of a rumor by denying it. You have to just go on living life and let it die by starving it of any attention.
AJ: Kind of like Heather Graham's career?
ME: There you go!

We started to dance, and before long, people were coming over and talking to us.

RANDOM GUY #1: Hey, is that rumor true?
RANDOM GUY #2: Did you really pull a knife?
RANDOM GUY #3: I knew that was a lie! I've seen you punch guys out, but a knife? That just doesn't make sense.

Soon, all was forgotten.

ME: See? Just by acting like everything's fine, everything is.
AJ: How do you know how to do that?
ME: I grew up in a partly Irish family.

That was when I looked across the room and saw Tommy approaching.

ME: Uh oh.

He looked pleased--never a good sign.

TOMMY: You know, I know a better rumor than the one you started.
RANDOM GUY #1: Who's this guy?
TOMMY: The one about the four hot messes who failed at being transformed by a washed-up small-town gay socialite.
RANDOM GUY #2: Isn't that on the CW?
AJ: Kevin, who is this guy?
ME: This is an old friend, AJ.
TOMMY: Hardly. AJ, if I were you, I'd drop out of Kevin's little school.
RANDOM GUY #3: School?
TOMMY: It's about to be shut down.

With that, he walked away.

AJ: Kev, what was he talking about?
ME: Nothing, AJ. Don't worry about it.

But even I wasn't convinced.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Be a Doormat

Aaron has a problem.

BRAD: What else is new?

Every time he goes out, he seems to get stepped on over and over again.

AARON: Kevin, it's horrible. I'll be talking to someone really cool and then this guy comes over and totally slams me.
ME: Pick a new verb.
AARON: He makes fun of me.
ME: Gotcha. What's his name?
AARON: Tommy.

Oh fan-fucking-tastic.

Take a look at how I met Tommy.


Good to know he's back reeking havoc on the general populace.

ME: Aaron, how do you keep running into everyone I don't like?
AARON: It's a large pool of people to draw from?

I invited Brad over Aaron's house so we could come up with strategies for taking down Tommy.

ME: You just need to level him. If he starts spouting those catty lines at you, you spout right back!
BRAD: The word 'spout' is really disturbing me.
AARON: I thought you were against being catty?
ME: I'm against AJ being catty, because he's already so good at it people know not to mess with him. They don't know that about you yet, and you don't want a reputation of being a doormat.
AARON: But I'm not good at putting people down.
ME: It's not about putting him down. It's an opportunity to raise yourself up.
AARON: You mean like saying--Hey Tommy, God loves you.
BRAD: I better get more wine. It's going to be a long night.

The next night at the club, Brad and I hung back while Aaron found a chance to talk to a guy at the bar. Sure enough, a few moments later, there was Tommy.

BRAD: He's cute.
ME: He's crazy.
BRAD: All the cute ones are.

I wasn't too worried. I'd given Aaron enough quips to fill up a Noel Coward play. Tommy said something, then Aaron replied and the guy he was talking to laughed. Tommy was instantly crestfallen and walked away.


...Of course, he walked right over to me.

ME: Wait, the judges are deliberating on that score.

He was smiling, but I could tell he wasn't pleased to see me.

TOMMY: Hello Kevin.
ME: Hi Tommy, how are you?
TOMMY: Not thrilled. I see you're back in action with another little blog.
ME: Just a little project, nothing major.
BRAD: We're hoping to get it on HBO right after Stupid Vampires and Stupid Therapists.
TOMMY: Do your little proteges know that you're blogging about them?
ME: Nice try, Tommy, but I'm much more honest about stuff like that then I used to be. All of them know about the blog and they don't mind.
TOMMY: Really? That's great. I wonder if everybody would feel that way.
ME: I guess I picked the right four people then.
TOMMY: No, I meant everybody in the literal sense--as in EVERYBODY.

I felt my blood run cold. It's fun to think that people read what I write, but if more people in Providence knew about the blog, it would completely defeat the purpose of what I was doing.

It would be like bringing vodka into Promises.

ME: Tommy, I'd appreciate--
TOMMY: I'd appreciate reciprocation if you want me to stay quiet.
BRAD: Well look at Dr. Seuss.
ME: Stop, Brad.

Tommy was really smiling now--a rat practically fell out of his mouth.

TOMMY: I'll be in touch.

He walked away, this time for good.

BRAD: So much for not being a doormat, huh?
ME: Apparently you didn't hear the doorbell.

There's a wolf at the front door.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Thou Shalt Get Shitfaced


BRAD: Now we're talking.

I don't do it, but I do know that a lot of people make horrific social blunders while intoxicated.

BRAD: For instance, I befriended you while drunk.


I decided to have the proteges get a little tipsy and then interact in a social setting. I admit, it's a little like the Cheat Locker on Dance Your Ass Off, but if my tiny birds are going to learn to fly, they better learn to do it after a few cocktails.

AARON: Kevin, I've been trying to cut back on my drinking.
ME: Anthony!
AJ: Let's suck some back!
ALICIA: He's talking about drinking, right?

We all went out to a bar where nobody would know us--some place called Cruel or Crass or something with a "Cr-"

BRAD: Crabs, maybe?

From the looks of the place...maybe.

It took a few drinks, but pretty soon, I could see devastation looming on the horizon.

ALICIA: I should call that guy I slept with who pretended not to like me afterwards.
AJ: I should call that hot guy who licked whipped cream off me at the carnival.
AARON: I should confess my love to someone.
ANTHONY: I should throw up.
BRAD: I should have sterilized my bar stool before sitting.


ME: Okay kids, here's where we take all that bad drunken energy and turn it into something positive.
ANTHONY: By throwing up?
ME: Nooo--drinking and doing stupid stuff is just like any other addiction. You have to replace it with something else.
AJ: Like what?

Take it away, Miss Knight.

ALICIA: Mmm...LA...grew too much for the man...
AJ, ANTHONY, and AARON: Too much for the man, he couldn't TAKE it!

Drunken karaoke. Harmless fun, and really entertaining for those of who stay sober enough to watch it.

BRAD: I need another drink.

To each his own.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Thou Shalt Lose the Hag (Part Two)

You did notice the "Part One," right?

After all, A.J. may have needed to lose his hag, but another one of my proteges needed to lose their hag status.

ALICIA: But I love my gays!

This was going to be like prying a pill bottle away from a Connecticut housewife.

ME: Alicia, nobody's saying you can't have gay friends. I just think that certain aspects of your personality need adjusting.
ALICIA: Like what?
ME: How often do you ask one of your gay friends to make out with you?
ALICIA: Not counting when I asked you an hour ago?
ME: Need I say more?

Alicia and I were hanging out at the Wild Colonial--one of the many places I was trying to get her to take to that wasn't a gay hang-out. She was doing much better, but she still had a long way to go.

ALICIA: So what rules should I be following?
ME: No calling yourself a hag.
ME: No watching Will and Grace marathons on a Saturday night with some queen who couldn't get a date.
ALICIA: I could reschedule it for a Tuesday.
ME: No.
ALICIA: Kevin!
ME: No arguments. Now take out your phone.

I could see the fear in her eyes. She knew where this was going.

ME: I did this with my friends two years ago. It's terrifying at first, then incredibly liberating.
ALICIA: What is it?
ME: We're going to do--a phone purge.

I knew I should have brought the restraints.

ME: Alicia, you have some wonderful, supportive, lovely people in your life.
ALICIA: I know.
ME: And then there's everybody else. Those are the people I want out of that phone.
ME: Because your life has become a crashing helicopter, and that means it's time to jettison the dead weight. Now take out the phone.

She begrudgingly brought it out, but I was already seeing tears form.

ME: It's time to remove some numbers.
ALICIA: Be gentle.
ME: Everyone who has let you buy them more than twenty dollars worth of drinks when it wasn't a special occasion in honor of them.
ALICIA: Does having a hard day at work--
ME: No.
ALICIA: Well there go the "G"s.

We proceeded to take out the other moochers, the troublemakers, the snobs, the sneer-ers, the druggies, the freaks, and everybody in the Dick Clique.

ME: How do you feel?
ALICIA: I have seven numbers left in my phone and two of them are family members.
ME: Congratulations, Alicia. You've just left Hag Country.

That was when she burst into tears.

Tears...of healing.