Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Thou Shalt DVR

In life, there are struggles.

Giant Mountains with scary mountain-people living inside them.

All of these pale in comparison to what it's like trying to teach four culturally challenged people about good television.

AJ: You mean we just have to watch tv? That should be easy.
ANTHONY: Are we doing Will and Grace first?
AARON: Golden Girls?
ALICIA: Oh my God! There's a Jonas Brothers retrospective on E! tonight!

Ten bucks says it's not quite a "retrospective."

I decided that my proteges needed to learn what real television is--and I invited Brad along because I bought too much alcohol for the occasion.

BRAD: Shouldn't you be teaching them this lesson on a Monday? It's a Wednesday. It's not a completely asocial night.

Let's begin:

We did the Chuckles the Clown episode of Mary Tyler Moore.

ALICIA: Mary is SUCH a Charlotte.
ME: Mary was Charlotte before there WAS a Charlotte.
AJ: You just blew my mind, K-Brock.

I followed that up with the Vitametavegamin episode of I Love Lucy.

BRAD: Bitch is drunk. I love it.
ANTHONY: Ricky's kind of hot.
AARON: You might be the first person in history to say that.
ME: Aside from Lucy...and maybe Fred.

We then did two episodes of Taxi (possibly the most underrated show in television history), an episode of St. Elsewhere, and a whopping four episodes of Boy Meets World.

AJ: Can we do some AbFab now?
ME: Guys, I'm trying to show you that there's more to television than Bravo's Pittsburgh, Unhinged.
AARON: That sounds steamy.
ALICIA: Kevin, none of these shows are even on anymore!
ANTHONY: They're all lame.
AJ: I thought you were going to turn us onto something exciting.

That was when I brought out the big gun.

BRAD: You shouldn't have gotten him angry.

The first two episodes...

ME: Okey doke.

...of Veronica Mars.

AJ: Whoa.
AARON: Uh...
ALICIA: More please.

And because they were fresh...

ME: I'm actually tired. It's late. I should--
AARON: Drop the DVD's, Broccoli.
ME: Um--
BRAD: You heard the man. Put down Kristen Bell, and walk away.

When I went to bed, they were still trying to figure out who killed Lily. I contemplated yelling it into the living room along with the answer to how the bus went off the cliff in Season Two...

...But I'm not that cruel.

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