Friday, August 21, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Run Over Thy Ex

Anthony is the one that seems to be doing the best of all my proteges.

Of course, that's like comparing war crimes.

Still, I had a lot of faith in Anthony. That's why when he told me he was having dinner with Chet, his idiot ex-boyfriend, I wasn't all that worried.

ME: So how do you think the dinner is going to go?
ANTHONY: Real good. I'm going to make him think we're cool and then shank him with the butter knife.
ME: Uh...maybe I'd better come along.

This seemed like a great time to teach Anthony about being civil to an ex.

We met up at Bravo and, of course, Chet was running late.

ANTHONY: So no cussing him out?
ME: No.
ANTHONY: No telling him he sucked in bed?
ME: Anthony--Wait, he sucked in bed?
ANTHONY: Hardcore.
ME: Just avoid sex talk altogether.
ANTHONY: Can I spill red wine on him? That shit doesn't come out.
ME: I might allow that one depending on how annoying he is.

Right on cue--

CHET: So I get two hotties for the price of one?

I immediately ordered a red wine.

Dinner went as follows:

Chet would say something stupid.

Anthony would start to tell Chet he was stupid.

I would pinch Anthony under the table.

Anthony would say something civil instead.

I would feel pride bursting through me like a crazy little league parent when their kid purposefully hits the batter with a ball.

Everything was going great right up until the end. Chet even paid for dinner, which was nice.

...Somewhat too nice.

CHET: We should do this again.
ANTHONY: Yeah, it was...not awful.
CHET: Maybe I should bring my new boyfriend next time.

Red Flag.

ANTHONY: You got a new boyfriend?
CHET: Yeah, Moss Lewis.
ME: Someone is actually named Moss?
ANTHONY: That's my ex-boyfriend--my OTHER ex-boyfriend.
CHET: Yeah, I Facebooked him. We hung out. Amazing body.
ANTHONY: Uh--I know.

This was when I saw him glance at the butter knife, so I dragged him away with a fleeting "So long" to Chet.

Once we were back in his car, I realized letting him drive was not the best idea, but he already had the key in the ignition.

ANTHONY: That f**king cockjockey!
ME: Do you actually miss this Mildew?
ANTHONY: That's not the--it's Moss!
ME: It's still not pleasant.

We turned onto Broad Street just as--lo and behold--Chet was crossing the street.

ME: Don't do it.
ANTHONY: Can't I just tap him?
ME: Tapping is called vehicular manslaughter, Anthony.

Luckily, Chet made it across the street and Anthony kept driving.

ANTHONY: Guess I'm flunking keeping my temper in check, huh?
ME: No flunking would have been running the dickhead over just now.
ANTHONY: I always was a C-student.

Funny. I was always an easy grader.

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