Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Thou Shalt Lose the Hag (Part Two)

You did notice the "Part One," right?

After all, A.J. may have needed to lose his hag, but another one of my proteges needed to lose their hag status.

ALICIA: But I love my gays!

This was going to be like prying a pill bottle away from a Connecticut housewife.

ME: Alicia, nobody's saying you can't have gay friends. I just think that certain aspects of your personality need adjusting.
ALICIA: Like what?
ME: How often do you ask one of your gay friends to make out with you?
ALICIA: Not counting when I asked you an hour ago?
ME: Need I say more?

Alicia and I were hanging out at the Wild Colonial--one of the many places I was trying to get her to take to that wasn't a gay hang-out. She was doing much better, but she still had a long way to go.

ALICIA: So what rules should I be following?
ME: No calling yourself a hag.
ME: No watching Will and Grace marathons on a Saturday night with some queen who couldn't get a date.
ALICIA: I could reschedule it for a Tuesday.
ME: No.
ALICIA: Kevin!
ME: No arguments. Now take out your phone.

I could see the fear in her eyes. She knew where this was going.

ME: I did this with my friends two years ago. It's terrifying at first, then incredibly liberating.
ALICIA: What is it?
ME: We're going to do--a phone purge.

I knew I should have brought the restraints.

ME: Alicia, you have some wonderful, supportive, lovely people in your life.
ALICIA: I know.
ME: And then there's everybody else. Those are the people I want out of that phone.
ME: Because your life has become a crashing helicopter, and that means it's time to jettison the dead weight. Now take out the phone.

She begrudgingly brought it out, but I was already seeing tears form.

ME: It's time to remove some numbers.
ALICIA: Be gentle.
ME: Everyone who has let you buy them more than twenty dollars worth of drinks when it wasn't a special occasion in honor of them.
ALICIA: Does having a hard day at work--
ME: No.
ALICIA: Well there go the "G"s.

We proceeded to take out the other moochers, the troublemakers, the snobs, the sneer-ers, the druggies, the freaks, and everybody in the Dick Clique.

ME: How do you feel?
ALICIA: I have seven numbers left in my phone and two of them are family members.
ME: Congratulations, Alicia. You've just left Hag Country.

That was when she burst into tears.

Tears...of healing.

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