You did notice the "Part One," right?
After all, A.J. may have needed to lose his hag, but another one of my proteges needed to lose their hag status.
ALICIA: But I love my gays!
This was going to be like prying a pill bottle away from a Connecticut housewife.
ME: Alicia, nobody's saying you can't have gay friends. I just think that certain aspects of your personality need adjusting.
ALICIA: Like what?
ME: How often do you ask one of your gay friends to make out with you?
ALICIA: Not counting when I asked you an hour ago?
ME: Need I say more?
Alicia and I were hanging out at the Wild Colonial--one of the many places I was trying to get her to take to that wasn't a gay hang-out. She was doing much better, but she still had a long way to go.
ALICIA: So what rules should I be following?
ME: No calling yourself a hag.
ME: No watching Will and Grace marathons on a Saturday night with some queen who couldn't get a date.
ALICIA: I could reschedule it for a Tuesday.
ME: No arguments. Now take out your phone.
I could see the fear in her eyes. She knew where this was going.
ME: I did this with my friends two years ago. It's terrifying at first, then incredibly liberating.
ALICIA: What is it?
ME: We're going to do--a phone purge.
ALICIA: ABSOLUTELY NOT!
I knew I should have brought the restraints.
ME: Alicia, you have some wonderful, supportive, lovely people in your life.
ALICIA: I know.
ME: And then there's everybody else. Those are the people I want out of that phone.
ME: Because your life has become a crashing helicopter, and that means it's time to jettison the dead weight. Now take out the phone.
She begrudgingly brought it out, but I was already seeing tears form.
ME: It's time to remove some numbers.
ALICIA: Be gentle.
ME: Everyone who has let you buy them more than twenty dollars worth of drinks when it wasn't a special occasion in honor of them.
ALICIA: Does having a hard day at work--
ALICIA: Well there go the "G"s.
We proceeded to take out the other moochers, the troublemakers, the snobs, the sneer-ers, the druggies, the freaks, and everybody in the Dick Clique.
ME: How do you feel?
ALICIA: I have seven numbers left in my phone and two of them are family members.
ME: Congratulations, Alicia. You've just left Hag Country.
That was when she burst into tears.