Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Hook Up

Leave it to Scooter.

SCOOTER: Who doesn't leave it to me?

He's back in my life for a grand total of two hours, and he's already making things difficult.

SCOOTER: It's a good thing too.
ME: How do you figure?
SCOOTER: Your life was getting boring.

After leaving Aaron's apartment last night--having found him and Scooter post-post--I texted Scooter and asked him to meet me for lunch at an old haunting ground.

SCOOTER: So am I the Brian now?

The NC.

ME: Not a chance in Hell.
SCOOTER: How is Bri anyway?
ME: I hear Seattle's treating him well.
SCOOTER: You're the last Rhode Island hold-out. You know that, right?
ME: I wouldn't call myself a hold-out.
SCOOTER: I'd call you a lameass.
ME: Why? Because I'm not making poor choices anymore?
SCOOTER: Yes! And because ever since you stopped making poor choices, your life has gotten sooo boring.
ME: How would you know? You ran off to Boston like it was Siberia and haven't spoke to me since.
SCOOTER: I know, and I'm sorry. I got all caught up in things, but now I'm back.
ME: For the time being.
SCOOTER: It looks like I came back just in time. Aaron told me about your little school for boys.

It's not like I was trying to keep the blog from Scooter. I always send him the links to my entries, but he's not really big on reading anything that doesn't have pictures and one-syllable words.

SCOOTER: Have you actually convinced these guys that you're a goodie-goodie?
ME: I never claimed to be an angel. I just think you can learn a lot from a man who's made mistakes.
SCOOTER: Wow, they must be getting an advanced course from you then.
ME: Oooh, look who got catty.
SCOOTER: I just wonder if they know just how much fun you can really be.
ME: What are you talking about?
SCOOTER: Have you told them about the Ashton Kutcher?
ME: You've been gone too long, Scoot. I even have a Demi Moore now.

We turned around to see AJ coming towards us.

ME: I didn't invite AJ.
SCOOTER: No, but I did.
ME: What?
SCOOTER: I found him on your Facebook. He's cute. He's a protege too, right?
ME: Scooter, if this is going to become some sick little mission of yours to bag every one of my guys--
SCOOTER: I'm not going to bag them. I just want to fuck most of them.

Kill me.

AJ: Thanks for inviting me, Scooter. Kevin's never told me about you.
ME: For the same reason I never mentioned my many yeast infections.
AJ: Ew, you had those?
ME: It's a--never mind.

We all tried to have a merry lunch--at least, they did. I was too pre-occupied watching Scooter eye-fuck AJ and watching AJ eye-ask-for-more back.

When Scooter excused himself to go to the men's room, I laid down the law.

ME: No.
AJ: Aw!
AJ: K-Brock!
ME: Ajax, it ain't happenin'. You don't know Scooter like I do.
AJ: What don't I know?
ME: He hooked up with Aaron last night. That means you'd be breaking more than one rule.
AJ: Are you serious?
ME: Dead serious.
AJ: So what is he just trying to get everybody that you're trying to help?
ME: He might be.
AJ: So I'm just a box on his checklist?
ME: Yup.
AJ: Well never mind then. Nobody uses me for sex.


AJ: Without being really honest with me about it.

Scooter returned to the table.

SCOOTER: So, anybody want to head back to my place for a threeway?
AJ: Did you actually just say that?
ME: God, it's just like old times.
SCOOTER: Might as well put the cards on the table.
AJ: You're not going to pretend like you like me?
SCOOTER: Dude, you seem all right, but you're not really my type. I wouldn't mind having some fun with you though.
AJ: Oh.

...Please, please, please...

AJ: Let's do it.

God has forsaken me. Me and Mischa Barton.

ME: I don't believe this.
SCOOTER: Not coming, Kev?
ME: Not on your life.
AJ: See now if you had come, I might have passed. Someone has a lot to learn, K-Brock.

Scooter paid the bill, and walked out with AJ.

I better call Anthony now.

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