Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Thou Shalt Leave More Than a Tip

I have so few joys in life--

Game Shows
Good Books
Googling Myself

But now I was ready for another Heavy G.

My 25th Birthday.

BRAD:  Congratulations, you're old.  Where's the booze?

What better place to celebrate than Cheesecake Factory?  And what better people to celebrate with than Brad and my Merry Band of Proteges?

AARON:  So Kev, is this going to be another test?
ME:  What do you mean, Aaron?
AJ:  Come on, we know you wouldn't get us all together and not teach us some dumb lesson.
ANTHONY:  Is this going to a challenge about eating better?
ALICIA:  Developing our culinary tastes?
BRAD:  Picking what wine to serve with...more wine?
ME:  Okay, I give, but the challenge is a lot more fun than that.

That was when the waiter appeared.

WAITER:  Can I start you all out with drinks?
ME:  Actually, could you come back in a minute?
WAITER:  Sure thing.

He went on his way, and I divulged my challenge.

ME:  I want one of you to get the waiter's number.

They all looked dumbfounded...which is sort of their default look, but nevertheless...

AARON:  What?
AJ:  You want us to--
ANTHONY:  Get Pretty Boy's number?
ALICIA:  But aren't we supposed to be learning to be--
BRAD:  Not slutty?
ME:  That's the point.  I want you to get the number without being too overt.
AJ:  Uh...
ME:  Obvious, Anthony.
AJ:  Maybe it's obvious to you, but that doesn't mean I know what the word is.  I don't have an English--Oh, it means 'obvious,' doesn't it?
BRAD:  This should be rich.

Alicia raised her hand.

ALICIA:  But what am I supposed to do?
ME:  You're joining in.
ANTHONY:  I'm not into that.
ME:  I mean, you're going to try and get his number too.  I did a little research before I came tonight, and it turns out Jerry--
AJ:  His name is Jerry?  Like Tom and Jerry?
ME:  --He goes both ways.  So y'all have equal opportunity.
BRAD:  I'm going to need more wine.

I could see that they were going to need a little push.

ME:  Hey, none of you have to participate.  If you think you can't get the number---
AJ:  Whoa, who said 'can't?'
ANTHONY:  I could get his number.
AARON:  Yeah, he's not that hot.
ALICIA:  And I'm wearing my deceptive bra.

That was easy.

AARON:  What do we get if we get the number?
ME:  The rest of us buy your dinner.
AJ:  Really?
ME:  And mine, because it's my birthday.
ANTHONY:  We'd have to pay for two people?
AJ:  Oh, it's on now.

Let the games begin.

Player #1:  Aaron

WAITER:  What will you be having?
AARON:  What would you recommend?
WAITER:  The swordfish is good.
AARON:  Have you...eaten it?
WAITER:  Uh, yeah.
AARON:  I see...
WAITER:  So do you want it?
AARON:  The swordfish?
WAITER:  Yeah.
AARON:  No, I don't like fish.
WAITER:  Okay.
AARON:  Do you hate me?
WAITER:  I...um...maybe I should come back.

Wow...just wow.

Player #2:  AJ

WAITER:  How's your salad?
AJ:  It's fantastic.  Want to try some?
WAITER:  I actually can't do that.
AJ:  Sure you can.
WAITER:  No, I can't.
AJ:  Fine, be like that.
WAITER:  Okay.  I'll be back later to check on you.

AJ caved a little early.

Player #3:  Anthony

WAITER:  How's your meal?
ANTHONY:  Great.  Hey, don't I know you?
WAITER:  No, you don't.
ANTHONY:  I swear I do.
WAITER:  Pretty sure you don't.
ANTHONY:  You ever go to Tago's?
WAITER:  Never.
ANTHONY:  Boo Boo's?
WAITER:  Nope.
ANTHONY:  How about Dazzle?
WAITER:  Is that even a place?
ANTHONY:  This steak sucks.

So much for the 'Don't I know you?' approach.

Player #4:  Alicia

WAITER:  Would you like dessert?
ALICIA:  Would you like a lady tonight?
WAITER:  I'll bring the check.

...Choo Choo...Choo Choo...CRASH!

AARON:  Well, that was a disaster.
AJ:  At least we're not buying two dinners.
ME:  What makes you say that?
ANTHONY:  Kev, that was horrible.
ALICIA:  Mortifying.
AJ:  We failed you, K-Brock.
ME:  Oh, absolutely.  But you're still buying two dinners.
ALL:  Huh?

They all looked down towards the other end of the table.

BRAD:  Sorry guys.  I guess he likes the strong, silent type.
ME:  Or he's a drunk looking for a co-dependence partner.
BRAD:  Either way, I'm glad I got the lobster.  Cheers!


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