Monday, August 24, 2009

Thou Shalt Raid the Retro Closet

We had to plan for this for a few days before putting it into effect.

ALICIA: Hey guys! I'm so psyched for Bad Movie Night!
ME: Alicia, there isn't going to be a bad movie night.
ME: Storm! Storm!
ALICIA: Ahhhhh!!!

Brad, Aaron, AJ, Anthony, and I all swept into Alicia's apartment in an effort to clear out everything that was holding her back from becoming a true woman.

BRAD: What are the odds any of us will make it out of this alive?
ME: Not good, Brad. Not good.

We had removed eight Jonas Brothers posters, and we weren't even out of the living room yet.

AARON: Kevin, do you want to handle the DVD rack or do I?
ME: Let me. I've watched over eight hundred hours of Clean House.
AARON: She owns Just My Luck AND Georgia Rule.
ME: We better let AJ handle it. He's seen both of those.
AJ: And New York Minute. That's right. I'm an Olsen-lover. No shame.
ME: How's Alicia holding up, Anthony?
ANTHONY: I slid some peanut M&M's underneath the bathroom door. She should be fine.

An hour later, we were ready to move into her bedroom.

BRAD: I may need a drink for this.
ME: You have one in your hand.
BRAD: A stronger one.
ME: Everybody take a deep breath.

And in we went...

I want you to imagine Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory as imagined by Belinda Carlisle in 1986 then redecorated by Alicia Silverstone in 1994.

That will give you an idea of what we were facing.

AARON: I can't see the walls.
AJ: I can't see the floor.
ANTHONY: I can't see hope.
ME: We might just need to bomb the place and start from scratch.

By the time we were done, Alicia was asleep on her bathroom door cuddled up with her inflatable Channing Tatum shower doll.

BRAD: Are we sure she's not certifiable?
ME: I'm not sure of anything anymore.

The apartment looked great. We even added little flairs here and there to make it look more grown up.

AJ: I got her a lamp.
BRAD: Did she not have one before?
AJ: Nope. Just a Miley candle.

Let's never speak of this again.

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