Thursday, August 6, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Convert

With all the craziness surrounding Scooter's return, I nearly forgot about the date I'd made with Alicia.

ALICIA: Kevin, have you ever had sex with a woman?

I should have cancelled the date.

ME: No, why would you ask that?
ALICIA: I was wondering if you ever questioned your sexuality.
ME: I question my sanity, but never my sexuality.
ALICIA: What would you say if I told you I was interested in a guy who's a little bit confused?
ME: What's he confused about? Trigonometry?
ALICIA: He thinks he might like girls.
ME: As opposed to--
ALICIA: Well, right now, he considers himself...someone...who doesn' girls.

This is where my sensitivity kicks in.

ME: Absolutely not.
ME: No.
ALICIA: Kevin!

I nearly pulled an NJH (New Jersey Housewife) and knocked over our table at Andrea's.

ME: Who is this idiot anyway?
VOICE: Whoa!

I shouldn't have asked.

Scooter sat down next to Alicia with a big smile on his face.

ME: Okay, this has gone far enough. Alicia, this is my friend--
ALICIA: I know.
ME: You know?
ALICIA: Anthony introduced me to him last night at Prisms.
ME: You went to Prisms?
SCOOTER: Not just us. AJ and Aaron came too.
ME: Oh really? And how soon afterwards did you all go back to the motel and make a snuff film?
ALICIA: Kevin, we would have invited you, but since you forbid me to go there in the first place and since the boys said you've been mad at them--
ME: I've been mad at them because they've been sleeping with him!

I pointed at Scooter like an old Italian woman points at the village whore.

God, I've been watching too much Moonstruck.

SCOOTER: I'm going to excuse myself so you can warn Alicia not to fall in love with me.
ALICIA: Aw, he might be too late!

Instead of bothering with Alicia--thereby continuing my losing streak--I followed Scooter.

ME: You don't actually plan on sleeping with her, do you?
SCOOTER: Of course not. The fact that she wants me is satisfying enough.
ME: Alicia isn't a gay boy, Scooter. There's a chance she can still see heaven.
SCOOTER: And you're going to lead her there?
ME: Just call me Saint Peter.

I had prepared for this...Well, maybe not this, but something like this.

After running to my car, I came back and dropped a very large photo album on the table.

ALICIA: What's this?
ME: These are the Scooter chronicles.
SCOOTER: The what?
ME: I like to think of it as psychological contraception.
ALICIA: Kevin, please don't. It's not necessary. I know Scooter is gay, but I can't but think that loving someone this much has to have an effect on them. And I don't believe in labels anyway.
SCOOTER: Neither do I.
ME: Really? Not even--

Photo One

ME: Naked Beer Pong Champion?
SCOOTER: You can't prove that's me. Whoever it is is wearing a Joker mask.
ALICIA: And not much else.

Photo Two

ME: That would be you, wouldn't it?
ALICIA: Scooter, are you having sex in a playpen?
SCOOTER: I was dating a Manny.

Photo Three

ALICIA: Oh my God.
ME: If this photo had been taken in Tibet, Scooter would have a price on his head right now.
SCOOTER: Wow, my thighs used to be wicked strong.

I shut the album.

ME: Still in love, Alicia?
ALICIA: Yes, but now, like always, I feel guilty about it.
SCOOTER: You know what cures guilt? Karaoke.
ME: Ohhh no! You are not taking her anyway. Alicia is coming home with me.
ALICIA: Really?
ME: Yes, and then I'm sending you back to your home.
SCOOTER: Or you could come with me, we can get drunk, and I'll make out with you once I start seeing double.
ALICIA: Let's go!

I could have stood in their way, but really, what would be the point?

I'd lost. Scooter won.

All I could think was--

Maybe it's time to shut down the school...

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