Thou Shalt Not Date a Friend

At first, I was all for it.

AJ went on a few dates with a guy he's been friends with for a few years. It seemed like a huge step forward that he was connecting with someone he already had a solid foundation-ship with, and for a short time, I couldn't have been prouder.

Then I remembered it was AJ I was dealing with...

So I Facebooked.

Doby (Yes, Doby, like Tobey and Dobby combined) is, I have to say, a disaster.

There are photos of him at every cliched gay vacation spot you can think of making out with any number of guys, and right alongside him is my little protege, AJ.

AJ: It just hit us.
BRAD: Gonorrhea?

We were all at Brad's apartment having a few drinks before going to a movie.

AJ: No--Love!
BRAD: You'd have been better off with the gono. At least it's curable.
AJ: We've been friends for all this time and then BAM! Love.
ME: And you think you have something real to build a relationship on?
AJ: K-Brock, I've already seen him naked. WMCTB?
BRAD: Non-abbreviated?
AJ: What more could there be?

Oh, amour.

ME: AJ, dating friends can sometimes be a bad idea.
AJ: I know, I know--it can ruin the friendship.
BRAD: It can also ruin furniture if you break it off over red wine.

Silence.

BRAD: Another story for another time.

Doby met us at the movie. From the moment I saw him, I knew he and AJ were perfect together.

DOBY: Oh my God, these fat people in front of me were NOT walking fast enough. That's why I'm late. Who's buying my ticket?

Which was exactly why he had to go. I was trying to cultivate a new AJ. Doby was hard-core old AJ. He was the "Good Morning, Miss Bliss" to my "Saved by the Bell."

I could see he was a bad influence during the movie when he shouted out--

DOBY: That bitch is gonna DIE!

And AJ responded with--

AJ: Totes going to die!

Now, this would be bad enough during a horror movie.

DOBY: Ooohh, she looks NASTY bald.

But we watching My Sister's Keeper.

BRAD: Cameron Diaz really needs lipo.
ME: Great. I'm seeing a movie with Catty, Bitchy, and Queen.
BRAD: I'm the Queen, right?

After the movie, I offered to drive AJ home. I let Brad deposit Doby in whatever dumpster he crawled out of for the evening.

ME: AJ--
AJ: I know, it's not going to work.
ME: I just can't believe you ever thought it would. He brings out the worst in you.
AJ: But he doesn't judge me, K-Brock. Every guy I like does. They know all about my reputation and they won't get over it.

That's when it hit me. AJ felt trapped by his past, and dating Doby was a way of saying screw it, let me just hug the damn past.

AJ: Nobody else will even give me a chance.
ME: If you promise to...let Doby down easy...I might be able to help you with that.
AJ: For riz?
ME: Proms.
AJ: Exclamation point!

Oh God, now I'm talking like him.