Sunday, August 2, 2009

Thou Shalt Dance Your Ass Off

My proteges are going through a bit of a dry spell.

AJ: That's because you won't let us have sex.

I've prohibited them from having sex with degenerates, losers, freaks, stalkers, and/or crazy people.

This has eliminated all their former sexual partners.

ANTHONY: This blows.

Call me a Meanie. I don't mind.

ALICIA: Kevin, I can't keep going like this. I'm on the verge of breaking out my yearbook and Facebooking guys who used to be hot in high school.

Never let it be said that I'm heartless.

AARON: I was actually going to call you something much worse.

I've decided to take my kids dancing.

AJ: We get to go back to the club?!
ME: Not exactly.

We're going real dancing--like with steps, and everything.

PAYE: Five, six, seven, eight!

My old dance teacher Paye from 100 Dates offered to have the gang step in on a class to get rid of some of their sexual tension.

AARON: The instructor is hot.
ME: I know, I dated him.
AJ: God, K-Brock, you used to unwrap it with the best of 'em.
ME: Damn straight, cubby. Now let's bust a move.
ANTHONY: It's like I'm hanging out with my mom.
ALICIA: Wait, I'm confused. Is the dance teacher straight or not?

We all partnered up, and after an hour or so, we looked almost, not quite pathetic.

AARON: Kevin! I thought you said you took this class before!
ME: I have.
AARON: You just stepped on my feet for the third time.
ME: I didn't say I learned anything. I took Spanish all throughout high school and I still only know how to say 'My name is Kevin' and 'No, like the vegetable.'

Alicia wound up with a very attractive guy, and sparks were definitely flying.

When we took a fluid break, she snuck over to me.

ALICIA: Kevin, this is a great way to meet guys!
ME: Just be careful that your hormones aren't what's making you think you like him.
ALICIA: He just told me he's a doctor who lives on the East Side and occasionally does charity work in Jamaica.
ME: Go, go now.
ALICIA: So you--
ME: Vaya con dios, Alicia! GO!

She wasn't the only one making a love connection.

ANTHONY: Pita just asked me out on a date!
ME: You mean Paye?
ANTHONY: Yeah! Can I go?
ME: Anthony, you don't have to ask my permission.
ANTHONY: Aw, thanks, Kev.
ME: Of course you can't go.
ANTHONY: What? Why not?
ME: I dated Paye!
ANTHONY: You're still on that rule?
ME: I just--why do you--YES!
ANTHONY: Well I'm going anyway. You can deal.

He walked away from me.

AARON: Are you upset?
ME: No, of course not. I'm being silly anyway. Paye was forever ago. He's a great guy. It's a good thing that Anthony and he are going to hang out.
AARON: You're still pissed, aren't you?
ME: Sooo pissed.

It's a good thing I have AJ to keep me in perspective.

AJ: K-Brock, when you dance, you look like someone invisible person is punching you in the sack.

And by "perspective," I mean--ridicules me.

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