Monday, August 31, 2009

Thou Shalt Dine with Class

My original goal with AJ?

Get him to live in today's society without being arrested on a daily basis.

Now, I've managed to keep him out of jail, but I wanted to get a little bit farther than that by the end of summer.

I didn't, however, plan on getting this far.

BRAD: A dinner party? Who is he? Eliza Doolittle?
ME: It'll be fine. It'll just be you, me, AJ, and the guy I'm setting him up with...
BRAD: This is a set-up too?
ME: Brad, you have to put a carrot at the end of the stick otherwise the donkey don't pull the cart.
BRAD: Thank you, O. Henry.

I didn't tell Brad who I set AJ up with for the party.

BRAD: Who did you set Aj up with?


ME: Uh...Scott.
BRAD: Scott?
ME: Let's set the plates.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

I managed to get Brad to calm down slash got him buzzed so that by the time AJ and Scott showed up, things were almost normal.

Cue the sparkling dinner conversation. Let's see how well I trained my little protege.

AJ: So what does everyone think about all the controversy surrounding Health Care?
SCOTT: Politics at a dinner table? Haha, Kevin I thought you trained this kid.

I saw AJ panic. My mistake had embarrassed him.

Luckily, he recovered fast.

AJ: Do you go to the movies often? I really liked District 9.
SCOTT: I'm not into stupid alien movies.

Oh God, I didn't know...

Scott had become an asshole.

BRAD: Become?
ME: Uh oh, I was thinking out loud.

The night didn't get much better. AJ tried making a connection and Scott took a carving knife to his I-want-a-connection hand.

I pulled Brad into the kitchen when I saw AJ's eyes start to get that reddish look right before he maims someone.

ME: I made a huge mistake.
BRAD: You should get that on a t-shirt.
ME: AJ's going to kill Scott if he keeps being a jerk.
BRAD: Good. The joy of watching that will sustain me through the next year.
ME: Brad! He's your ex. Do something!
BRAD: Ohhh! Now he's my ex. Before he was a pawn in your Pygmalion games.
ME: I'll buy you a bottle of whatever you want if you do this.
BRAD: Let me at him.

We went back into the dining room where Scott was explaining to AJ why Gossip Girl is the dumbest show ever.

SCOTT: Why don't you just watch donkeys shitting on toadstools?
AJ: That's a show?
BRAD: Scott, you're being a dickhead. Please leave.
ME: That's it? That's you handling this?
BRAD: Kevin, did you see how much I had to drink tonight? It's amazing I'm still standing.

That was when AJ stood up.

ME: Oh dear Lord.

Ladies and gentlemen, listen to this.

AJ: Scott, I understand that you don't find me intelligent or clever or interesting. That's fine. But to belittle me in front of others, and go out of your way to insult the things that I like because you think it will make you sound quote "more straight-acting" and therefore more appealing to, hmm, I don't even know who, is just ridiculous. I was respectful to you tonight and you were very poorly behaved and very unkind. I don't wish any ill will on you, but I do hope you reconsider how you act in future situations when someone is trying their best to get to know you. Please, excuse me.

And he left.

Ten minutes later, I found out that he had gone outside and smashed Scott's passenger side mirror.

Did it make me feel any less proud?

Not one bit.

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