Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Date the Ex of a Friend

My last lesson was on dating friends.

ANTHONY: But that's not what I did!

This time we're taking on dating ex's of friends.

ANTHONY: Okay, so that's what I did.

(I promise, it doesn't get too confusing.)

Anthony was on the outs with one of his buddies, because he'd started shacking up with his friend Ram's ex.

ME: Ram?
ANTHONY: From his football days.
BRAD: Maybe I should meet this boy...to get a better handle.
ME: On him or the problem?
BRAD: I'll abstain from answering that.

Anthony met up with Wes, Ram's ex-boyfriend, at Prisms one night, and the two had ended up--you guessed it--going home together.

ME: Gee, I can't imagine why your friend would be mad.
ANTHONY: That's what I said!
ME: That was sarcasm.
ANTHONY: Why can't I date him? They're not dating anymore.
ME: This is where I go to the 'What Would the Straights Do.'
ME: What do you think would happen if a straight guy found out one of his buddies was dating his ex-girlfriend?
ANTHONY: He'd get f**ked up.
ME: Exactly. So why is it okay for a gay guy to do the exact same thing?
ANTHONY: Because...
ME: Should I get your sippy cup or are you going to give me an actual reason?
ANTHONY: What are you getting at, Kev?

Here comes the big rule, ladies and gentlemen.

ME: You shouldn't date someone your friend has dated.
ANTHONY: Kev, we live in Rhode Island. Everyone's dated everyone. If I can't date someone one of my friends have dated, who the hell am I left with?
ME: You're left with friends who don't hate you.
BRAD: And way less laundry to do once you take the sheets out of the equation.
ME: Remind me never to bunk with you for any reason.
BRAD: Oh, as if.

I was convinced that Anthony was just exaggerating, but neither he nor Brad would let this one go. They took me out to Slice to illustrate their point.

ANTHONY: See? I've either dated or been friends with someone who dated everyone here.
ME: You can't be serious.
BRAD: Actually, I'm in the same boat.
ME: God, you two are--Wait a second.

I looked around the room.

Friend Dated
Friend Dated
Friend Dated

ME: Wow.
ANTHONY: So are you gonna take back that rule?
ME: No, I just need a new angle on it.
BRAD: While you're getting a new angle, I'm getting a new drink.

There has to be a way to make this rule work.


No comments:

Post a Comment