Saturday, September 4, 2010

Thou Shalt Come Out

My first lesson with Byron didn't go very well.

BYRON: I'm not gay.

Some might say it didn't "go" at all.

I invited him to meet me at Andrea's so we could get down to business.

BYRON: I like girls.

Business is slow.

ME: Byron, I saw that guy come out of the bathroom at the party.
BYRON: He was just showing me how to use the shower.
ME: Really? I've never seen a house where the shower didn't work unless two guys were having sex in it.
BYRON: I'm out of here.

He stood up to leave, but that was when the waiter showed up with our drinks.

If there's one thing a closet case won't do, it's leave a room without getting drunk first.

BYRON: Maybe I can hang out for a little while longer, if you promise not to bring up private stuff.
ME: Um, okay.

I was going to have to take a different approach.

Little did I know that approach would be Brad.

BRAD: Hello boys.
ME: Brad, if you're here to sabotage--
BRAD: Give me some credit, Kevin. I'm actually here to help.
BYRON: Do I know you?
BRAD: Kinda. You're screwing my boyfriend.

Uh oh.

ME: Since when do you have a boyfriend?
BRAD: One of my boyfriends. He's screwing one of my boyfriends.
BYRON: I don't know what you're--
BRAD: Apparently you like to get drunk--drunk with big air quotes around it, by the way--then call him up and have him sneak in your dorm room where he helps you with your identity crisis.
BYRON: I don't--

But I could see Brad was telling the truth. That meant Byron was in big trouble. Brad treats his F-buddies like an only child treats his toys.

Nobody gets to play with them but him.

This may not sound fair, but since Brad refuses to be one of my students, there's not much I can do about it.

BRAD: Here's the deal. Kevin's going to try and help you come out the right way. If you let him, I'll back off--mostly because then you won't be a challenge, and my boyfriend will lose interest.
BYRON: And if I don't let him?
BRAD: Then I get to out you--and that's a lot more traumatic. Trust me.

With that, he picked up Byron's drink, downed it, and stood up.

BYRON: That was my drink!
BRAD: It's no fun when people steal from you, is it?

And he walked away.

Byron looked at me with a mixture of fear and rage in his eyes.

ME: Sooo...shall we begin?

Hey, don't judge me. I have a bet to win.

And now, so does Byron.

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