Since Bowie's biggest problem was going to be his reputation as a mean gay, I decided to work on him cleansing him of his cattiness.
ME: You're going to apologize to everyone you've ever been unkind to.
BOWIE: Should I do it now, or wait until I have a few free decades to kill?
I knew I was going to meet with resistance.
ME: How often do you apologize for...being you?
ME: Then now is the time to start.
BOWIE: Can't I just send flowers or something?
ME: Bowie, nothing will make people respect you more than an apology.
BOWIE: Or they'll think I'm in recovery.
ME: In a way, you are.
I sat him down at a computer and he began going through his Facebook friends list.
(Sidenote: Isn't it crazy that he's been mean to so many of the people on his FRIENDS list?)
BOWIE: Keep your enemies close.
He wasn't kidding about the time.
It took us over three hours to send out basic messages comprised only of "I'm sorry for..." (Fill in the blank.)
BOWIE: That was humiliating, exhausting, and terrifying.
ME: See? Change feels great!
BOWIE: You realize in one night you've single-handedly ruined a persona I've worked years to build.
I waited until he walked away with a look of disgust on his face before I patted myself on the back.