Monday, June 29, 2009

Thou Shalt Dump the Zero and Get with a Hero

Aaron went on a date.

ME: And?

It went very well.

ME: Excellent.

Only one problem.

AARON: I don't like him.

Of course.

Aaron and I were getting lunch at Paragon, and discussing his latest problem.

ME: You want to let the guy down easy?
AARON: Well, in a manner of speaking.
ME: What do you mean?
AARON: I kind of hate him.
ME: I thought you said you didn't like him?
AARON: I was being kind.
ME: So you wouldn't want to keep him as a friend?
AARON: No, otherwise I would just say that. I kind of just want him to disappear.
ME: Okay.
AARON: That's why I haven't returned his phone calls.
ME: And you haven't been returning the phone calls for...?
AARON: Um...close to two weeks.

I reacted as calmly as I could.

AARON: What?
ME: That's typical caveman behavior. I'm so disappointed in you.
AARON: Surprise, surprise.

Clearly I was going to have to use this as a lesson opportunity.

ME: If you're upfront with the guy about how you feel, you'll see that he probably feels the same way that you do.


AARON: He told me I was wrong.
ME: What?

I was wrong, and apparently so was Aaron. He went home after our lunch and tried to be straight with his No-Go (pardon the pun) about how he felt.

The No-Go wasn't having it.

AARON: He said that I couldn't know after one date that we're not good together.
ME: So he rejected your rejection?
ME: This is very Seinfeld.
AARON: I'm aware. Should I try again?
ME: No, I think this calls for some brutal truth.
AARON: You're going to have Brad coach me?
ME: You got it.

I made sure Brad was there that night when Aaron and I convened at his apartment. He put No-Go on speaker phone. The idea was to have Brad coach him by whispering into his non-phone ear. I would write my suggestions down on a piece of paper. Between the three of us I was pretty sure we could dispatch of this guy and still have time to hit up karaoke.

NO-GO: Hey Cutie! When am I seeing you again?
BRAD: Never.
ME: (Writing) NO! Say 'That's the thing...'
NO-GO: You there?
AARON: That's the thing.
BRAD: Do you want my help or not?
ME: (Writing.) Fine.
BRAD: Tell him you're seeing someone else.
AARON: I'm seeing someone else.
NO-GO: Haha, you're totally lying.
BRAD: Wow, that was creepy.
NO-GO: How about I just pop by your apartment?
BRAD: If you do--
AARON: If you do--
BRAD: --There will be two naked men here on top of me.
AARON: There will be--WHAT?
ME: (Writing.) I'm sorry, but I just don't think that would be a good idea.
AARON: I don't think that would be a good idea.
NO-GO: Only one way to find out.


ME: Dear God.
BRAD: Welcome to Fatal Attraction.
AARON: He's on his way over here!
BRAD: How does he know where you live?
AARON: We hung out here after our first date.
ME: But you said the date didn't go well.


ME: You slept with him, didn't you?
AARON: I didn't say he was ugly though!
ME: You cannot sleep with someone and then try to blow them off! That makes this whole thing really wrong.
BRAD: In the words of Cameron Diaz in that awful film Vanilla Sky, 'You came in me four times. That means something.'
ME: I forgot how ridiculous that movie is.

A short while later, No-Go did, in fact, show up.

ME: You have got to be kidding me.

Of course, I knew him.

CLINGY DINGY: You know Kevin?

AARON: He's a friend. And this is Brad?
BRAD: I'm just an alcoholic.
CLINGY DINGY: That's cool. Would you guys mind if I had some alone time with my boyfriend?
AARON: Your boyfriend being--?
CLINGY DINGY: You silly!
ME: Aaron, could I see you for a second before I leave you and your boyfriend alone?
AARON: Yes, yes, and yes.

I brought Aaron into the bathroom and explained to him how to dispose of Clingy Dingy.

ME: Just come onto him as strong as he's coming onto you.
AARON: Are you sure that'll work?
ME: Yes, and by the way, he's not nearly cute enough to justify a fling.
AARON: Can we work on raising my expectations some other time? He's about to maul me!
ME: Just remember what I said.

Brad and I made our departure as Clingy Dingy was measuring Aaron's apartment to see where he could put his couch once they moved in together.

BRAD: That is one scary boy.
ME: You have no idea.

An hour later I got the call.

AARON: It worked.
ME: Excellent.
AARON: Thanks so much.
ME: Did you use the Jeb Bush line?
AARON: No, I swapped it out for Glenn Beck.
ME: I don't recall giving you creative licensing.
AARON: Haha, you're the best, Kev.
ME: Only one question: Why did it take an hour to get rid of him?


ME: You didn't.
AARON: Oh no! I think I hear my oven. My biscuits must be done.
ME: You mean your tramp biscuits?
AARON: Gotta go!

One step at a time, one step at a time...

No comments:

Post a Comment