Thou Shalt Not Talk Dirty

Alicia is trying to be sexy.

ALICIA: Oh, I could show you a good time.

She's failing.

ALICIA: A really good time.

She's really failing.

ALICIA: Well you know, I used to be a gymnast.

Oh dear God...

I went out with her to a single's night at a local bar to see how she converses with guys. What I found horrified me.

SINGLE GUY: Are you enjoying your drink?
ALICIA: Oh yeah. I can fit this whole bottle in my--
ME: TIME OUT!

I dragged her into the nearest restroom.

Men's Room? Women's Room? Who cares? I take the Ally McBeal approach to that whole thing.

ME: I'm sorry. I thought I was out with my friend Alicia tonight. Not a castoff from Charm School!
ALICIA: You told me to be more outgoing.
ME: I'll have to get a thesaurus because I don't remember outgoing being a synonym for slutty.
ALICIA: You told me that a girl shouldn't be afraid of her sexuality.
ME: Yes, but insinuating that you can swallow an entire bottle of beer while you slide your tongue over the label is not the same thing as embracing your sexuality.

She burst into tears.

I never have this problem with Anthony.

AJ? Sometimes. Not gonna lie.

ME: Alicia, there's a way to be sexy and not be--
ALICIA: A ho-bag?
ME: Yes.
ALICIA: How?
ME: First off, sexy is all about not trying. Girls who pose. Girls who flip their hair. Girls who do the nod and smile. None of it works.
ALICIA: I've done it before and had it work.
ME: Work in the sense that the guy went home with you, slept with you, and never called again?
ALICIA: I--Wait, is that considered 'not working?'
ME: Let's do some exercises.

This is where my theater degree comes in handy--I can now improvise flirting with girls.

ME: Hi, I'm Kevin.
ALICIA: Wanna screw?
ME: ALICIA!
ALICIA: I was kidding.
ME: Okay, try again.
ALICIA: I'm Alicia, nice to meet you.
ME: You have really gorgeous eyes.
ALICIA: You're a tool.
ME: Good. That was me trying to trick you.

This girl is a bit more savvy than I gave her credit for--thank God.

ME: Are you into sports? You look pretty athletic.
ALICIA: I'm also very flexible.
ME: No.
ALICIA: No?
ME: Too much.
ALICIA: Okay.
ME: I would say--'I like to keep active.'
ALICIA: 'I like to keep active.'
ME: Yeah, so do I.
ALICIA: Keeps me out of trouble.
ME: No.
ALICIA: I definitely lead an active lifestyle.
ME: Sounds like you're a hooker.
ALICIA: But I can always find the time for a nice coffee date.
ME: Not bad.

That was when a guy walked into the restroom.

RANDOM GUY: Sorry--
ME: Oh! This is the men's room.
RANDOM GUY: Uh, it is?
ME: Yeah, my friend here is a drag queen.
RANDOM GUY: Dammit! I knew my friends were lying when they said this was a straight bar! Why did I let them plan my bachelor party? Dammit!

And he walked out.

ME: Okay, ready for some live practice?

Alicia got progressively better with her flirting as the night went on, and by the end, she had a few dates lined up.

ALICIA: Not bad, huh?
ME: Not bad? That was great. You're a fast learner.
ALICIA: Oh, you bet I'm a fast--
ME: And you've relapsed.
ALICIA: Great. My love life is becoming exactly like my diet.

Hey, the girl's actually funny.

I think I can work with that.