Monday, June 8, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Cut a Bitch

Meet my newest problem child.

AJ: I ain't interested in your teachings, Yod.

After my lesson with Aaron in avoiding the bad boys, I was now forced to convert a bad boy into a good boy.

Where's Ricki Lake when you need her?

AJ: Look, I happen to L-O-V-E myself, my life, and my biz.
ME: Is there any word you can't abbreviate or alter?
AJ: Neggo.

Once again, I found myself at Prisms. At some point, I was going to have to expand some horizons in terms of socialization spots, but it's all about one step at a time.

ME: What if I were to just help you with one thing?
AJ: What's that one thing?
ME: Your temper.
AJ: Nah, son.
ME: Okay, how about the fact that you talk like Vanilla Ice?
AJ: Who?
ME: God, I'm old.

Luckily, I brought along reinforcements.

BRAD: Does accepting my help mean you lose the bet?
ME: Nooo, it means you're a good friend.
BRAD: It also means you're buying my next drink.
ME: Deal. Just make A.J. do what I tell him to do.
BRAD: Great. Now I'm the Dog Whisperer.

Brad followed me back to the table where A.J. was seated shooting daggers at some guy across the room.

BRAD: Since Kevin doesn't seem able to speak your language, perhaps I can try.
ME: You can try me out, Vodka.
BRAD: You're a nasty little bitch who's going to end up catching go-noggo before you turn twenty if you don't let my broseph here help you out. If you say Neggo to his help, I will spread a rumor that you slept with Timmy the Troll.

We all looked over at Timmy, who was sitting at the bar licking something off his fingers.

BRAD: ...And everyone will believe me.
AJ: Aight, y'all. Give me some tips.
ME: First thing's first, bar brawls do not signify that someone is, um--
BRAD: Not trashy.
ME: Yes.
AJ: Look, that guy deserved the punch I gave him.

He was referring to Anthony, my other protege, who I'd yet to introduce myself to, probably because he didn't want to show up at Prisms until his nose healed.

ME: What did he do exactly?
AJ: He told someone I gave head in the back of a car.
BRAD: Didn't you?
AJ: Yeah, but that's not his biz to be spreading.
ME: That's the thing--when you do the wrong thing, your biz becomes the world's biz.
AJ: That's messed up.
ME: That's life.
AJ: So what am I supposed to do?
ME: I want to show you how to handle it when somebody spreads a rumor about you.
BRAD: It's actually not a rumor if it's true.
ME: Nothing is true until you say it's true.
AJ: I like that.
ME: See, I'm not a total idiot.
BRAD: Keyword: Total.
ME: Moving on.

I briefed AJ in how to handle a rumor-monger. Then I sent him out to try his new technique.

The boy across the bar that AJ had been glaring at was named Vinny, and apparently he'd been telling everyone that AJ hooked up with someone at the men's room of a TGIFriday's.

BRAD: Did you?
AJ: Nah, it was a Chili's.
ME: From now on, pretend I'm your lawyer, and only tell me things that make you seem innocent.

AJ walked over to Vinny and--

AJ: Hey Vinny, why don't you let me buy you a drink?
VINNY: Uh, have you started doing stuff? Cuz I might be lookin' to buy.
AJ: No, man. I just want to bury the hatchet.
VINNY: You ain't comin' at me with no hatchet.
AJ: I told them you wouldn't know what that means.
VINNY: Told who?
AJ: Never mind. Look man, I'd appreciate it if you stopped saying stuff about me. If you want to talk to me about something; just talk to me. I'll do the same, okay?

This was where Vinny was supposed to say 'Okay' and they were supposed to share a drink and become great friends.

VINNY: Man, fuck off.

Yeah, I probably should have seen that coming.

AJ walked back over to me with fury in his eyes.

AJ: I did what you told me to do and it didn't work.
ME: I understand that, but now you look like the bigger man and he looks like the asshole. And nobody listens to what an asshole has to say.
BRAD: Unless they have a blog.
ME: Hey Brad?
BRAD: Yeah?
ME: Knock knock.
BRAD: Who's there?
ME: Shut up.

By the way, check out my other blogs.

AJ: What am I supposed to do about the fact that I was disrespected? Just take it?
ME: Of course not. I don't want you to be a wimp. I just don't want you to be a crazy person who fights in bars.
AJ: So what do I do then?
ME: Watch.

I walked over to Vinny.

ME: Hi.
VINNY: You AJ's boy?
ME: No, I'm his friend.
VINNY: He doesn't have friends. Just Johns.

Vinny raised his voice when he said this so that AJ could hear. I saw Brad grab AJ in a headlock so he rush over and knock Vinny out.

ME: Well, I'm his first friend then.
VINNY: Poor you.
ME: No, poor you, because people who are the enemies of my friends are my enemies. And I don't think you want to be my enemy.

Vinny got right in my face.

VINNY: Maybe I do. Then what?

Watch and learn, AJ.

ME: Then I take that video of you on Nasty.com, post it in a Facebook video, and send it to everyone you know.
VINNY: Uh...
ME: You know, the one where you're in a diaper, sucking on a pacifier, and making out with Timmy over there.

We both looked at Timmy. He was discreetly picking things out of his ear.

VINNY: Listen, forget all about the AJ thing, okay?
ME: I'll forget it if you forget the Friday's story. Okay?
VINNY: Okay.
ME: And if you keep your mouth shut from now on, okay?
VINNY: Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
ME: Terrific. AJ?

AJ walked over to us.

ME: Vinny has something he'd like to say.
VINNY: You gotta be kidding me.
ME: Cough cough Huggies cough cough.
VINNY: I'm really sorry, AJ.

My little protege looked shocked.

AJ: Uh...okay.
ME: AJ?
AJ: Oh right. I accept your apology.
ME: Excellent. I think you boys have a great friendship in your future.
AJ: Can I at least throw the drink I bought him in his face?
ME: Knock yourself out.

AJ picked up the drink, threw it in Vinny's face, and then we both walked away smiling.

ME: So am I cool yet?
AJ: Are you kidding me? You're the K-Brock.

Yeggo.

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