This is Aaron.
ME: Hi Aaron.
AARON: Do I know you?
ME: Fateful first words, my friend.
He's my first protege.
I found him on the top floor of Prisms a week after I bet my friend Brad that I could take three ugly gay ducklings (and one duckette) and make them into charming, intelligent, sassy swans.
ME: Mind if I sit down?
Aaron was about to have his first lesson.
AARON: Sure, go ahead. Not like anybody else is clamoring to sit next to me.
ME: I'm Kevin, by the way.
AARON: Nice to meet you.
ME: Let me guess. You've been out for three months, two weeks, and five days?
AARON: Uh...wow. Are you--
ME: I read your livejournal.
Some call it stalking, I call it research.
AARON: I'm a little weirded out.
ME: Don't be. I'm here to help.
AARON: Help what?
ME: Not what, who. Who being you.
AARON: So you're the Cat in the Hat?
ME: In a way. I'm going to help settle you into the gay community.
AARON: So you're the welcoming committee?
ME: In a way. I'm going to give you some pointers.
AARON: So you're--
ME: I'm your new best friend.
We talked some more, and I got the basics--the basics Aaron's LJ didn't give me--about Student #1.
- Very shy
- Very shallow
- Very short
AARON: I wouldn't say I'm shallow. I just don't have a 'type' yet so I just go by who I think is cute.
ME: And that's where you're going to get into trouble.
ME: Tell me about the guys who've talked to you so far tonight.
CONTESTANT #1: Benjamin
AARON: Really cute, right?
ME: He's not wearing a shirt.
AARON: But he's got a nice body.
ME: There's something to be said for humility.
AARON: He seems fun though.
ME: Yes, well, club drugs do tend to make you the life of the party.
AARON: Okay. He was just the first anyway.
CONTESTANT #2: Freddie
AARON: He seems really nice.
ME: Everything's going to seem nice when they want to get in your pants.
AARON: Sweet, I meant to say sweet.
ME: He's a little young, don't you think?
AARON: I'm only twenty-two.
ME: It's not so much the age difference as it is the fact that you'll be driving him to school in the morning.
AARON: You mean--
ME: High school.
AARON: Oh God, I thought that hockey jersey looked too new.
CONTESTANT #3: Ryan
AARON: That guy has to be a winner.
ME: Based on...?
AARON: Look at him. He's surrounded by people.
ME: And he's slept with every one of them.
AARON: Are you kidding?
ME: That's how Ryan makes friends.
AARON: You're kidding, right?
ME: Some people have barbecues, he gives--
AARON: Tell me you're kidding.
ME: Not that I'm a prude, but he doesn't know the value of discretion either. Most of those people are friends with him because if they turned their backs on him he'd spread their business all over town.
AARON: That's horrible.
I could see Aaron was getting disheartened.
ME: Don't feel so bad. You're new at this.
AARON: I just feel like there's so much I don't know.
ME: The first thing you need to know is this--Wait It Out. The good guys aren't going to be the first ones in line. They're going to see what you do first. How you interact socially tends to define who you are and if you're dateable.
AARON: Look, if you're into rules, you should know, I'm not. I don't play by the rulers.
ME: Then not only will you be a loser, you'll wind up with one.
I started to walk away.
They always freak out when you walk away from them.
AARON: Okay, I'll bite.
ME: Not during the first lesson, mister.
AARON: So I have to wait for a good guy to come around?
ME: I'd give it a few weeks. Until then, you're Mr. Mysterious.
AARON: Meaning I have to sit in the corner and sulk?
ME: Absolutely not! Just because you can't date right away doesn't mean you can't make friends.
That was how an hour later I had him downstairs dancing. I don't have to tell you that half the dance floor was looking in his direction.
AARON: I think I like being Mr. Mysterious.
ME: Great. Now time for rule number two.
AARON: Which is?
ME: Never stay until the end of the night. Let's go.
I took him to Bickford's for a late-night breakfast, and we got to know each other a little better.
Aaron, without a doubt, is going to be a huge hit.
So long as he can wait to become one.