Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Thou Shalt Go Long

Aaron is on a bad date.

AARON: I actually love toenails. Different shapes and stuff...

Luckily, it doesn't matter.

AARON: How some look like little slivers...

Because we're in New Hampshire.

AARON: Like...crescents.

Thank God.

I took Aaron to New Hampshire to do some dating practice. In a state as small as Rhode Island, a few bad dates can haunt you for a long time. That's why it's a good idea to get some out-of-state dating done.

AARON: How was that?
ME: I'm thinking of taking you to Montana. I don't think you can date anymore in New Hampshire after that.
ME: Toe slivers?
AARON: He mentioned toenails.
ME: No, you misheard him, he said 'go sailing.'
AARON: Ohhh, that does make more sense.

So far, Aaron has been on dates with guys from Massachusetts, Connecticut, and even New York (that one was around Pride Time when gays from every nearby state flock to wherever the nearest Speedo competition is.)

AARON: I'm a failure.
ME: That's why we're doing this. So you can fail without repercussions.
AARON: I just get so nervous.
ME: Why?
AARON: Because I can never think of anything to say.
ME: So let them talk and just jump in when you feel inspired.
AARON: I'm just boring.
ME: Aaron, you can talk to me without any problems.
AARON: That's different. I'm not trying to date you.
ME: Well, here's an idea.

I stopped off at a nearby coffee shop. We got out and went inside, but Aaron didn't know what I was up to. Once we were seated, I took out a pad and paper, and gave him a look.

AARON: What?
ME: Talk.
AARON: Talk?
ME: Yes. Talk now, while you're not nervous, and I'll write down key points you seem comfortable discussing.
AARON: But now I'm nervous!
ME: You must want to talk about something!
AARON: Can we talk about Anthony and how he hates you now?
ME: Sure.
AARON: Really?
ME: If it helps.

Anthony hadn't talked to me since Pride. I hate having people be mad at me. I know it's not cool to care if someone's angry with you, and I know I do enough to inspire hatred, but that doesn't change the fact that it unsettles me.

We talked about Anthony, and that went into talk about friendships, relationships, things that make us feel guilty, our love of Jeopardy, how our love of Jeopardy makes us feel guilty...

Before long, I filled up my pad.

ME: See that? Now you have conversation points you can hit.
AARON: Are toenails on there?
ME: No, I think we're going to put 'toenails' on the black list next to STD's and crimping hair.
AARON: Fine by me.
ME: So this helps?
AARON: This is fantastic. You're fantastic. Thank you.

Well, at least somebody still likes me.

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