Sunday, June 14, 2009

Thou Shalt Turn Thy Frown Upside Down

I managed to locate Alicia.

ALICIA: It was so awesome!

She'd disappeared at a party Brad brought her to, per my request.

ALICIA: What ended up happening to Brad?

He ditched her, of course.

ME: a prick.
ALICIA: Oh...okay.
ME: So you met a guy?
ALICIA: Yeah, he's great.
ME: See, guys can be nice.
ALICIA: I know! I probably shouldn't have slept with him on the first date, but--
ME: Wait, what?
ALICIA: He came back to my apartment, know...hehehe

Oh God.

ME: Does he have your number?
ME: Has he called yet?
ALICIA: No, but it's still early in--
ME: Tell you what. I have to run an errand. Let me call you back.

Note to self: Buy tissues and head over to Alicia's place ASAP.

First, however, I had to check in on Aaron. He and I were having dinner at Andrea's.

He'd managed to snag the attention of a great guy the other night, and I couldn't wait to hear all about his progress.

AARON: He's an asshole.

Another failure? I'm producing more ruined relationships than The Millionaire Matchmakers.

ME: What happened?
AARON: He thought I got too serious too fast.
ME: Did you?
ME: You mentioned marriage, didn't you?
AARON: Is it so wrong to tell someone you can see yourself marrying them?
ME: God, I need to take up alcoholism.

Aaron's sweet, but you have to be sweet AND savvy.

AARON: I know what you're going to say.
ME: You know I'm going to order the salmon?
AARON: No, about what I did.
ME: Aaron, I think you know what you did. I'm not going to pour lemon juice in the gaping wound.
AARON: The thing is, I get how to be now.
ME: How to be?
AARON: Yeah. I have to be tough.
ME: Well--
AARON: Not so vulnerable.

Uh oh. I was afraid of this.

AARON: Men want to hear what they want to hear, and you have to know how to play them.
ME: No.
ME: Not at all.
AARON: But you're the one who told me this was a game.
ME: It is a game, but that doesn't mean you have to play it dishonestly.
AARON: Kevin, I tried honesty. It got me blocked on Facebook.
ME: You were blocked on--Never mind.
AARON: So from now on, I'm going to be stoic. That way--
ME: You never get hurt?

I could see that remark landed. He looked down, and seemed on the verge of tears.

AARON: I just can't keep letting this happen to me.
ME: So the solution is to become an asshole? Who do you think that's going to land you? Aside from another asshole?
AARON: Then what do I do?
ME: You stay honest, you stay funny, and you stay yourself, because you're all of those things.
AARON: And nobody cares.
ME: Somebody will care--just not everybody. Luckily, you're not looking to meet, date, and fall in love with--EVERYBODY. Just one person, right?
AARON: But what if I meet them and they run?
ME: They won't run.
AARON: How do you know?
ME: Ready for rhyme time? If they run, they're not the one.

Look at me rhyming. All I need now is DVD and a cork board and I'll be the next Secret.

ME: Look, Aaron, many people have become cynical after being in the gay community for awhile. Hell, I became a bitter old queen by the time I was twenty. You can't embrace misery. You have to embrace joy. Actually, that's the overall choice in life. Embrace misery or embrace joy.
AARON: But I'm miserable. Are you saying that's a choice?
ME: No, I'm saying STAYING miserable is a choice. You can't help how you feel, but how long you feel that way is ultimately up to you.
AARON: Embrace joy. That sounds like guru bullshit.
ME: It keeps the gurus happy, doesn't it?
AARON: I just don't know if I buy it.
ME: Well then, buy this. If you're trying to be the person you want to date, and you want to date someone happy, what's the next part of the equation?
AARON: I have to--
ME: Thank you. Now it's time for salmon. I'm buying.
AARON: Wow, thanks.
ME: See? Happy already?
AARON: Embrace!
ME: EMBRACE THE JOY! I'm putting that on t-shirts.

That was when my phone rang.

ME: Hello?
ALICIA: Kevin, he's...he's not he?

Then she broke down crying.

ME: We might need to get the salmon to go.

And I need to get a move-on on those tissues.

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