Friday, June 12, 2009

Thou Shalt Descend a Giant Staircase

The proteges were getting a reward.

AARON: Matching t-shirts?
AJ: Body piercings?
ANTHONY: The chance to punch AJ in the throat?

I was taking them out for a night on the town.

ME: You're all going to make a grand entrance back into society. Just like Dolly.
AJ: Who?
ME: From the musical.
ANTHONY: What musical?
ME: Hello Dolly!
AARON: Never heard of it.
ME: Wall-E. "Put on Your Sunday Clothes."
AARON, AJ, and ANTHONY: Ohhh...
ME: It's really sad that has become a reference point for all of you.

Education comes later. Right now, I was worried about having them socialize at Prisms without it turning into the brawl that happened the last time they were all in the same room together.

Alicia was not going to be going with us. Since I would be taking the boys to Prisms to try out their new statuses as students of Broc-ism, and since Alicia spends wayyy too much time around gay boys, I handed her over to Brad for the night.

I know what you're thinking, isn't that like giving a diabetic a Nestle's crunch?

It just so happens, however, that Brad knows some of most eligible straight man in town.

(That's what happens when you're a Poli-Sci major.)

BRAD: I can't believe you talked me into this.

Brad was to check in with me on an hourly basis via texting. I had instructed him to take Alicia to one of his friend's parties. A surefire way to meet guys who aren't into shows that start with "The Real Housewives of..."

ME: How's she doing?
BRAD: Well, there aren't a lot of people here yet. It's still early.
ME: Oh, great. She can be eased--
BRAD: That being said, she's locked herself in the bathroom and I can hear whimpering.
BRAD: How am I supposed to do that?
ME: Use your charm.
BRAD: Really?
ME: Bribe her. I'll pay you back later.

After hanging up with Brad, I checked on Aaron, who was talking to a guy at the bar. Once the guy took a break to head to the men's room, I gave Aaron a pop quiz.

ME: Name?
ME: Occupation?
AARON: Law student.
ME: How many people in this room has he hooked up with?
AARON: From what I can tell, none.
ME: Excellent.
AARON: Yeah. No annoying accent, no offers to go make out on the dance floor, and I'm pretty sure he's not high.
ME: Wow, how have I never heard of this guy?
AARON: He's from Massachusetts.
AARON: Is that bad?
ME: THAT'S AMAZING! That means he's a clean slate.
AARON: Oh cool. I did something right.
ME: Just make sure he's not too far away. Long distance plus newfound attraction equals devastation, frustration, and masturbation.
AARON: Got it.

AJ was downstairs on the dance floor. I had instructed him to get rid of his boyfriend--who he had stolen from Anthony--and to apologize for being a sneaky little Claire Danes.

AJ: Anthony shook my hand.
ME: I told him to do that. It's a symbol of a truce.
AJ: Ohhh...I thought he was saying he wanted to give me a--
ME: Nooo.
AJ: Hey, I haven't knocked anybody out all night. Are you proud of me?

That was when a guy bumped into him, causing him to spill his drink all over himself.

It was amazing. All of a sudden, I saw this tiny little guy turn green and split his shirt open to--Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating.

ME: AJ, remember what I told you.
AJ: This is my FAVORITE shirt.
ME: It says 'Spank Me' on it.
AJ: I made it myself!
ME: Then that's what we call a blessing in disguise.

It was the guy who had bumped into him.

BOY: Hey man, sorry about that. Want me to buy you another one?
AJ: Uh...

I saw the green disappearing. The muscles disappeared back into his miniature physique.

AJ: Sure.

The guy went off to get the drink.

ME: See? When you wait to lose your temper, sometimes people actually turn out to be decent human beings.
AJ: Plus they buy you shit.
ME: Yeah, that too.

Anthony was outside the bar when I found him. He was sitting on the curb looking a little forlorn. I sat down next to him.

ME: Hard to be here right after a break-up, huh?
ANTHONY: Wicked hard.
ME: Can I make a suggestion?
ME: If you act okay, you'll find that eventually you'll be okay.
ANTHONY: That really works?
ME: I've faked my way through three break-ups, two deaths in my family, and a walk of shame through a courtyard on the Brown campus.
ME: Trust me. Faking it works. The mind is a lot simpler than what all those scientists say.

I helped Anthony up and we went back into the bar. The rest of the night went by swimmingly.

It wasn't until I was walking back to my car that I thought to check on my girl.

ME: How'd she do?
BRAD: Once I got her out of the bathroom?
ME: I'm assuming that happened.
BRAD: She actually had a lovely time.
ME: What time did you bring her home?
BRAD: Uh...
ME: You did make sure she got home okay, right?
BRAD: See, there was this guy...
ME: You said there were only straight guys there!
BRAD: I didn't say he was gay. He was just...drunk...and...willing to consider new ways of thinking.
ME: You DITCHED Alicia for a closet case?
BRAD: I'm sure she's fine.
ME: Where is she?
BRAD: Last I checked, she was heading to a spare room with a very nice looking man.

Great. I've lost one already, and I'm barely out of the gate.

BRAD: Hey, why would I help you win a bet where I'd be the loser?

This means war...once I find Alicia.

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