Friday, June 19, 2009

Thou Shalt Ditch the Dick Clique

You've seen them every time you go out somewhere.

ANTHONY: Kevin...

A tight little clique.


A small, solid wall of people that move about like a tank on a battlefield.

ANTHONY: These are my friends you're talking about, Kevin.

And you always wish--

ME: Anthony, I have a theory.

--You could find a way to break them up.

ANTHONY: Is this like your theory on Lost? Because I'm pretty sure they're not all stuck in a snow globe.
ME: Well, I guess we'll see about that, won't we?

I was out to dinner with Anthony on Thayer Street, and I had decided to go the next step in helping him because a grown-up.

ANTHONY: What's your theory about my friends?

The plan involved ditching Regina and her band of bitches--otherwise known as his friend Miles and their band of...well...bitches.

ME: My theory is that you're not meeting any nice guys because whenever you go out your friends create a fortress around you that's impenetrable.
ANTHONY: I think your theory is wrong.
ME: Only one way to find out.
ME: Fly solo for the night.
ANTHONY: You want me to go out by myself?
ME: Not exactly.

Luckily for me, one of Anthony's friends was having a sex toy party (don't ask) which meant he could see Slice through bitch-free glasses.

ANTHONY: Didn't you say I should go to clubs less?
ME: I don't care where you go, as long as you're open to meeting new people.
ME: Maybe, but your friends aren't.
ANTHONY: You have no right to say that.
ME: Let's examine the evidence.

Meet the Dick Clique

MILES: Head Bitch, Wants to Sleep w/Anthony
LOGAN: Miles' Boyfriend, Always Drunk

-- And they fight public --

ANTHONY: Hey, how many successful gay relationships do you know of?
ME: You call that a success? What would you consider a military success? Waterloo?

MATT: Wants to sleep with Anthony
PRYCE: Wants to sleep with Anthony
RICKY: Wants to sleep with Anthony, Miles, Logan, or Pryce

See where I'm going with this?

ME: You call that a group of friends? Because I call it an orgy waiting to happen.
ANTHONY: Look, we're all gay. Of course we're going to be attracted to each other. Aren't you attracted to your friends?
ME: No, but then again, I'm friends with Brad.
ANTHONY: What's wrong with my friends thinking I'm cute?
ME: Because one day you might not be cute, but you'll still need friends.

That was the line that convinced him to come out with me.

ANTHONY: But if my friends find out about this--
ME: C'mon, what are the odds?

I know, I know--famous last words.

Within a few minutes at Slice, Anthony was bombarded with people saying hello.

ANTHONY: It's so weird. I've seen so many of these people before but they never said hi. I just thought they were snobs.
ME: You realize they might have been thinking the exact same thing about you.
ANTHONY: I've already made two coffee dates. This is awesome.
ME: See what happens when you trust me?
ANTHONY: I'm going to get beat up.
ME: I wasn't thinking of that but--
ANTHONY: Kevin, my crew just walked in.

Apparently, the sex toy party was a bust--if you've seen one vat of grape jelly lubricant you've seen them all--and the Dick Clique had decided to see what was happening downtown.

ANTHONY: I'm screwed.
ME: Relax, you're allowed to hang out with different people, aren't you?

As if I didn't already know the answer to that question.

The DC hobbled right on over to us. They were a little tipsy, and by tipsy, I mean shattered, which is when you're wasted AND trashy.

MILES: Well, well, well...
ANTHONY: Hey Miles.
MILES: Thought you were staying in tonight.
ANTHONY: I changed my mind.
MILES: Didn't want to call us though, huh?

The other members of the Dick Clique hung back, preferring to let their leader eat Anthony alive.

That's when I decided to step into the mix.

ME: Anthony's just having some fun, but now that you guys are here, we can all have fun.
MILES: I'm sorry, Puffenstuff, was I talking to you?

Or maybe not.

ANTHONY: Miles, I'm just hanging out with a friend. I can have more than you guys as friends, right?

The DC members all looked at each other as if he'd just asked them to do long division.

MILES: Hey, do what you want, and so will we.
ANTHONY: What's that supposed to mean?
MILES: It means maybe we don't want to hang out with you if you're going to shack up with the Billy the Blogger over here.
ME: Wait, is that me?
ANTHONY: Kevin's my friend, that's all. If you guys are my friends, you'll respect that.

I wanted to cheer for Anthony, but that was when Miles turned his glare on me.

MILES: What are you making over the whole city?
ME: Nooo, some people I just marked for demolition.
MILES: Oohh, someone's getting catty.
ME: If you want catty, I can give you catty.

The DC looked ready to fight.

MILES: You going to take us all on?
ME: No, that's why I have back-up.

Thank God I'd sent out a text message as soon as I saw the Dick Clique walk into the place. I could already feel the boys behind me.

DAVIS: Is there a problem here, Kevin?
CARTER: We heard there were might be a brawl.
ME: No, guys, I've been teaching my proteges that violence is not the answer.
RITCHIE: Yeah, we could always just put you guys on the list.
MILES: What list?
DAVIS: The list of guys no club in this town will serve if I tell them not to.

That's when I saw Miles start to shake.

MILES: We're out of here. You're finished, Anthony.
ANTHONY: Fine. I'm done with you guys anyway.
RICKY: Whatever! I mean, if you want to meet up for drinks once in a--
MILES: Ricky! Let's go.

They took off, but before they made it to the door, a few bouncers grabbed them and tossed them out of it onto the sidewalk.

ME: Davis?
DAVIS: Ohh, I might have told them to do that. Oops.

We all had a great rest of the night, but I was a little nervous that Anthony would be hurt at losing his friends.

ANTHONY: Friends? Those weren't friends. You're my friend, K-Brock.
ME: Anthony, that's so sweet.
ANTHONY: You know how I know you're my friend?
ME: Because I look out for you.
ANTHONY: That, and I never want to sleep with you.

So much for the Hallmark moment.

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