Thursday, June 11, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Spurn the Women Folk

I knew my first girl would be a challenge.

BRAD: Do you want to rephrase that statement?

But who doesn't love a challenge?

Getting Alicia, my only female protege this summer, to befriend me was easier than I thought.


Hey Alicia,

My name's Kevin. Want to be friends? :o)

-- Kevin --



I was a little scared.

It turned out, however, that she had read my 100 Dates blog a few years back, and was more than onboard for my little Pygmalion project.

ALICIA: Do I look that bad in green?
ME: No, Pygmalion isn't actually a pig, it's--

I'll skip to the point.

For her first lesson, I took Alicia--and Brad, the what's-his-name-from-Wham! to my George Michael--to a bar.

I know what you're thinking, but think again--

It was a straight bar.

ALICIA: Um, I really don't feel comfortable being here.
ME: That's the point. I need to get you comfortable being here.
ALICIA: I just don't like being accosted by guys.
BRAD: Not to be cruel, darling, but when was the last time a guy accosted you?
ALICIA: It's happened!
ME: Alicia, believe it or not, you need to give straight guys more credit.
ALICIA: So that's my lesson? Trust straight guys more?
ME: Nooo. That's too advanced for your first lesson. Right now, we're just going to get you used to having a support team that doesn't involve members of the Gaga fan club.
BRAD: He's talking about being friends with other girls.

Alicia looked like she was going to bail. Then, she actually attempted to bail.

Luckily, Brad grabbed her and spun her around so we could continue with our lesson.

I had invited some girls to the bar that I thought Alicia might like.


Might like slash the only ones who were available.

CARLY: You owe me sooo big for this.
BETH: You owe me the last three drinks I just had.

Alicia looked even more terrified, but this time, I couldn't really blame her.

Maybe I should have tried to find some nice Amish girls.

ALICIA: Kevin, I don't really do well with women. They're competitive, shallow, and cliquey.
ME: As opposed to gay men, who are Buddhist monks with flare?
ALICIA: I just feel--
ME: Safe when you're around the gays?
ME: Too bad. You're a girl. You're a beautiful girl. And you're wasting all that pretty standing around a gay bar on a Friday night watching your gay friend puke in the bathroom right before he ditches you for his latest hookup.
ALICIA: Wow, you're a self-hater, huh?
ME: No, I was just describing your Saturday night.
ALICIA: Ohhh, right.

I convinced Alicia to have a few drinks with the girls.

PAIGE: I think we can be great friends.
ALICIA: Uh...maybe.
ME: Alicia, you were so quick to be friends with me. Why don't you just give Paige the same chance?
CARLY: You've been cheated on, haven't you?
CARLY: Yes, you have. Women who hate women have always been cheated on--I read it in Marie Claire.
ALICIA: I've actually never dated anyone.
BRAD: Never?
CARLY: Not even a one-night stand?
ALICIA: What's that?
CARLY: Oh God, Kevin. Why didn't you just try converting a nun?

Alicia was now mortified. I made eyes at Beth, and she swooped in for the save.

BETH: Do you want a drink?
ALICIA: Yes--now--please.

Leave it to me to completely forget that alcohol speeds up the friending process.

BRAD: It looks like your little Alicia is actually warming up to the ladies.

Paige and Alicia were on the bar grinding on each other while "Halo" played in the background.

ME: I'm going to call this progress.
BRAD: I call it being a skanktank, but hey, tomato potato.
ME: You mean to-mah-toe?
BRAD: Whatever. I'm too drunk to care.

Seeing Alicia dance and laugh and have a good time was heartwarming.

Maybe girls aren't so bad after all...

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