Thursday, June 25, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Be A Catty Bitch (Wrong Blog)

I feel I may have contributed to this problem.

AJ: Did you see that lazy eye? Tragedy.


AJ: Did you see those shoes? Tragedy.


AJ: Did you see his boyfriend? Tra-ge-dy.


AJ: No me gusta that haircut. Tragedio.
ME: That's not Spanish for tragedy, AJ.
AJ: Whatev's.

AJ and I were shopping at the mall, and it seemed like he had a comment for every guy that walked by us. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to try and rid of him of his CBQ-ness.

AJ: But I like being this way! It shows that I'm witty and confident.
ME: When done right, it does. When done poor, as you do it, it makes you sound like a Chuck Bass knock-off.
AJ: Isn't that the point?
ME: AJ, everyone's a little catty from time to time, but you do need to know when to flip the switch. You sound defensive when nobody's even on the offense.
AJ: So you're saying I should be nicer?
ME: I'm saying that when you're bitchy, it makes it harder for people to approach you, especially nice people.
VOICE: You should talk.

We both turned around--

ME: Oh damn.

--And there was Miles.

MILES: You coin the damn term and then you try to get the boy to quit it? Are you for real?
ME: I'm sorry. I didn't realize we were shopping at the Crab Shack.
AJ: Kevin--
ME: I mean, hi Miles. How are you?
MILES: See? Even you can't cut out the bitchiness.
ME: Of course I can, but there's no point wasting kindness on steadfast assjockeys.
AJ: Forget it. I'm not quitting if you're not.
ME: OKAY! Okay. I'm quitting.
MILES: Really? Hey guys!

Sure enough, the Dick Clique was within walking distance.

MILES: Look who I just ran into here at the Crab Shack.
LOGAN: I thought this was a Borders?
ME: Hi guys, how are you?
MATT: Better than those jeans you're wearing.

Oh boy.

ME: AJ, why don't we head out?
AJ: No way. I want to see how you handle this without being bitchy.
ME: It's like you're asking me to handle a crockpot without oven mitts.
AJ: If you can't do it, how am I supposed to?

Time to put my moxy where my mouth is, I guess.

PRYCE: So, where did you buy that shirt? TJ Maxx?
ME: Actually, it was on sale at--

I wanted to say--Your Mother's Brothel, but I bit my lip.

ME: Never mind.
RICKY: Those glasses make you look like The Nutty Professor.

Okay, time for a new approach.

ME: Don't forget the bad teeth, scrawny physique, and oddly shaped head.
ME: Just thought I'd mention what you forgot.
LOGAN: Uh...
ME: Anything else?
MILES: No, we're going. We have reservations.
AJ: Where? At the--
AJ: Church?
ME: Amen.

The Dick Clique took off.

AJ: You don't have an oddly shaped head.
ME: That was to throw them. Let's get dinner.

In the meantime, I have to go buy some new clothes.

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