Thou Shalt Lose the Hag (Part One)

I've said it a thousand times.

AJ: But Dina's my hag!

Apparently I need to say it again.

ME: It's time lose the hag.
AJ: Kev, we're best friends.
ME: Let me ask you the following questions.
AJ: Okay.
ME: Does she say that when you're thirty if you're both single you should get married?
AJ: Uh...yeah.
ME: Does she try to be overly affectionate with you to a point that's verging on discomforting while playing it off as sheer goofiness?
AJ: Uh...like, does she hang all on me and stuff?
ME: Yes.
AJ: Then year.
ME: Has she ever straight-up cock-blocked you?
AJ: OMG, totes.

Here's the big one.

ME: Has she ever referred to the two of you as Will and Grace?
AJ: Nooo!
ME: Hmm, perplexing.
AJ: We're Jack and Karen--realsies.

We have a hag, ladies and gentlemen.

ME: AJ, it's time to renegotiate this friendship.
AJ: How come?
ME: Because if it was any more unhealthy it would be covered in bacon and butter and frying in a pan.
AJ: You don't have any hags?
ME: No, I have girlfriends. Girlfriends who have boyfriends. Girlfriends who would be offended at being referred to by what the dictionary describes as--

1. an ugly old woman, esp. a vicious or malicious one.
2. a witch or sorceress.
3. a hagfish.

AJ: There's a hagfish? That's phenom.
ME: Let's have a talk with Dina, shall we?

The three of us got together at Starbucks for an intimate conversation.

AJ: Kevin says I need to snip you from my tense.
DINA: He told you to get a vasectomy?
ME: Good. I'm not the only one who can't understand a damn thing he says.

When Dina figured out what I really wanted, she was...upset.

DINA: F**K YOU!

...Okay, maybe I was downplaying that.

ME: Dina, you can't say that you like being called a hag.
DINA: Why not? It's a term of endearment.
ME: Hey, why stop there? Why not have him call you a crone too?
AJ: I kinda like that. Miz Crone.
DINA: Hahaha, I love you AJ.
ME: AHA!
DINA: What?
ME: When you said that, you meant it.
DINA: Yeah, so.
ME: Not in a friendly way. You really love AJ, don't you?

Dina started to say something, and then just nodded.

DINA: I can't help it.

We all just sat there in silence.

AJ: This is totes awk.
ME: Maybe you two should talk. I'll go walk up and down Thayer. It'll be like I'm back in high school again.

When I returned, Dina was gone.

ME: How'd it go?
AJ: We're going to take a break from each other for awhile. Dina needs to start reconfiguring her image of herself. She has really low self-value, and I think she's been living vicariously through me.

. . . . .

AJ: What? You don't watch Tyra?

Hey, whatever works.