Saturday, June 27, 2009

Thou Shalt Ignore Thy Foolish Heart

I see this problem often with girls.

GIRL #1: But my heart's telling me he's the one.
GIRL #2: My heart aches for him.
GIRL #3: Am I supposed to just ignore my heart?


Your heart is lying.
Your heart needs to get over it.
Yes, yes, yes.

It only stands to reason that Alicia would want to take a cue from her foolish heart.

ALICIA: Kevin, why would my heart hurt this much if it weren't for a reason?
ME: Your heart isn't hurting. Your brain is hurting because you're depriving it of stimulation by focusing all on your time on an idiot.

Harsh, I know. But she needs to hear it.

Alicia went on a date with a guy, who following the date, refuses to respond to her phone calls AND (the kicker) defriended her on Facebook.

ME: Honey, he's gone. He's long gone. He's in social Siberia for all intents and purposes.
ALICIA: But then why do I still care about him?
ME: Because you've seen too many movies and you think that if you care about someone enough eventually some sort of magical screenwriter in the sky will put the two of you together.
ALICIA: So you're saying I shouldn't have watched 'Maid in Manhattan' last night?
ME: Nobody should EVER watch 'Maid in Manhattan.' Ever.

I decided to demonstrate what I was talking about since Alicia is more into visuals--especially visuals of Care Bears.

We were at her apartment where she had sequestered herself in her bedroom. I opened up her window, checked to make sure there was nobody underneath it, then took the glass of water on her nightstand and poured it out the window.

ME: That's what it's like when you focus on a guy who isn't focused on you. It's like pouring good water out the window. It doesn't go anywhere. It doesn't magically land back in your mouth. It's just gone.
ALICIA: That was actually Sprite and Vodka.
ME: Okay, so that was a more expensive lesson than I had intended. I apologize.
ALICIA: But I get what you mean.
ME: Alicia, the key point here is that while you've been locked away in this room, you could have been missing opportunities to meet better guys than the one you lost.
ALICIA: I just don't feel like there is a better guy.
ME: Okay, are you ready for me to blow your mind?

I took a deep breath.

ME: There's always someone better.
ALICIA: No, but--
ME: No, there's ALWAYS someone better.
ALICIA: What about when you're married to someone for thirty years?
ME: Still someone better.
ALICIA: What about Johnny Depp?
ME: Someone better.
ALICIA: What about George Clooney?
ME: Yeah, that's the top, but other than him, always someone better.

Alicia sat right up in bed, tossing aside her Spongebob plush toy. (What do you call a Peter Plan complex in a girl?)

ALICIA: So even when we do find someone we're settling?
ME: Hey, some settlements are great. Not Roanoke, but you know, other ones. Some are deals! That's what you're trying to do. You're trying to find the best deal. But the nice thing is, when the deal goes sour, there's always another deal. You just have to be willing to walk.

I stood up and held out my hands.

ME: Are you ready to walk away from this deal?
ALICIA: Kevin, is this where I give you my suitcase?
ME: Metaphorically, yes.

She gave me her hand, and I helped her up.

Then we went to get a drink, since I sort of owed her one.

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