Thou Shalt Abstain from Clubbing

Let me show you AJ's schedule:

Monday: Prisms--College Night.
Tuesday: Slice--Cowboy Night.
Wednesday: Prisms--80's Night.
Thursday: Slice--Goth Night.
Friday: Prisms--Techno Night.
Saturday: Prisms--Top 40 Night.
Sunday: Slice--Nobody actually knows what happens on Sunday nights at Slice, but everybody always leaves covered in grape jelly.

AJ: But I have to go out! It's Friday!

I was about to expose AJ to something other than clubbing.

In general, all my proteges were ill-versed in any sort of socializing that doesn't involve walking around shirtless and making out with strangers.

That was all about to change.

ME: I didn't say you weren't going out.
AJ: Oh, okay, because Chet's going out tonight and I want to see his new boyfriend.
ME: That tool already has a new boyfriend?

I haven't checked Vogue in awhile--is an idiot the new accessory for Summer '09?

AJ: Yeah, and I totes have to check him out.
ME: You totes don't. All you need to do is say a prayer of thanks that you're not dating that nimrod anymore.
AJ: Nimrod?
ME: I'm trying to bring it back.
AJ: Not happening, K-Brock.

Now time to drop the bomb.

ME: We are going out, but we're not going to the club.

AJ looked like I'd just told him it was possible to have a baby without having sex.

AJ: I'm confused.
ME: We're going to go somewhere else.
AJ: Where?
ME: Believe it or not, there are these places people go that aren't Slice or Prisms, that are still a lot of fun.
AJ: You're going to take me to a carnival?
ME: After hearing the things you've done on a ferris wheel? No chance.

At around seven, I drove us up to Newport.

In the car, AJ was getting shaky. It must have been the club withdrawal.

AJ: I'm going to miss sooo much.
ME: Like what? What ever happens any time you go out that is so earth-shattering?
AJ: Um, last week, this guy fell off the box and landed on this fat chick.
ME: Well, as riveting as that sounds, I think we can do a little better.
AJ: Why is it such a big deal that I go somewhere else?
ME: Because right now, your entire mindframe is centered around clubbing. I've never even heard you talk about anything else.
AJ: That's not true! I try talking to you about The Hills, but you don't watch it!

I wouldn't say I don't watch it as much as I avoid it like expired milk.

ME: AJ, you come from an amazing culture.
AJ: You mean Italians?
ME: Well...yes, but in addition to that, you're gay.
AJ: Being gay isn't a culture.
ME: Of course it is! AJ, there was a time when being gay was synonymous with being witty, intelligent, and stylish.
AJ: I'm still pretty stylish.
ME: Having style is not the same thing as spending hundreds of dollars on slutty underwear.
AJ: How'd you know what I was wearing?
ME: I'm talking about Oscar Wilde. I'm talking about Lorca. I'm talking about...uh...
AJ: Elton John?
ME: Sure, why not. As long as we're not talking about the Donald Duck costume.
AJ: So you're going to teach me shit, huh?
ME: I'm going to teach you to be proud of you who are based on what you know and not who you've gotten to sleep with you.

He seemed to quiet down a bit after that.

ME: Well?
AJ: Well...you can give it a shot.

That's all I needed to hear.

First we did dinner with Brad and some friends at a very nice restaurant.

BRAD: You did tell AJ not to steal the silverware, right?
ME: You did tell your mother how that grape juice stain got on the comforter in her guest room, right?
BRAD: Fine, I'll be good.

Then we took in an independent movie.

AJ: This shit is low-quality, K-Brock.
ME: They filmed it on less expensive film.
AJ: Wait, is this a snuff film?

Finally, we wound up a friend's house party.

CONNOR: Long time, no see, Kev.
ME: Hello Connor. This is my friend AJ.
CONNOR: Is he one of the--
AJ: Yeah, I'm one of his prototypes.
CONNOR: You mean--
ME: Connor, please. We're working on vocabulary next week.

AJ did a great job of circulating throughout the party. At around midnight, we were on our way back to Providence.

ME: Did you enjoy yourself?
AJ: Yeah, it was...interesting.
ME: Interesting is good.
AJ: I didn't like that movie.
ME: AJ, you don't have to like any of the stuff we just did. I just think it's important that you check out different scenes, you know?
AJ: Yeah, I see what you mean.

I decided to test the water a little bit.

ME: You know, we could probably still make it to the club if you wanted to catch the last hour.

He seemed to think this over for a second.

AJ: Nah, I'm beat. I think I'll just go home and crash.

Another exhausted boy, another successful Friday night.

I'll rephrase that later. I'm beat.