Thou Shalt Let Aaron Expose Me to Film

In celebration of getting my kids back from Scooter, I decided to let them play teacher for a week.

AARON: This is so exciting.
ME: You don't get out much, Aaron.
AARON: That's because you don't let me!
ME: Point taken. What do you want to teach me about?

Aaron had a list of films he wanted me to watch.

ME: Oh, this won't be so bad then. I love movies.
AARON: Great. All we're doing for the next eight hour is--
ME: EIGHT HOURS? Aaron, Robert Ebert doesn't watch that many movies in a row.
AARON: No, but I'm pretty sure that's how long he takes to clear a buffet.

Not only were we spending an entire day watching movies, but the movies were--

AARON: Let's start with anime.

--Not exactly what I would call Robert Altman's biggest hits.

It's not that I'm not open to anime, I just feel overwhelmed by it. I feel like in order to like certain things you need to love them from the day you exit the womb.

You know--Sports, Foreign Languages, Barbra Streisand, etc.

AARON: Well, we have eight hours to get you up to speed.

We certainly did.

And you know what? By the third hour, I was kind of into it.

By hour seven, I was white-knuckling it.

AARON: Hey Kev, mind if we call it an evening?
ME: What? But we still have an hour.
AARON: I kind of feel like going out.
ME: Fine. Go out. I'll be here when you get back.
AARON: Kevin, I thought--
ME: Just go! I'm losing time here.

I'm not exactly sure when Aaron left, or when he came back.

The last thing I remember was reaching for the last pretzel in the bag while the sound of anime lingered in the background.

To quote Aladdin, my favorite Disney shirtless Disney character--

A whole new world...A dazzling place I never knew...

Great, another addiction.

Thou Shalt Get the Gang All Here

I didn't want to have to do it.

ME: Hey, it's me. I need a little help.

I really didn't want to.

ME: It's Scooter. He's back.

I mean, you know I love a good reunion.

ME: No, I don't think we'll need a taser.

But not like this. Never like this.

ME: Do I need to say it...Rally?

It's come down to this.

Prisms--Friday night--Karaoke.

Just like old times.

Aaron, AJ, Anthony, Alicia--even Brad--were all out and enjoying themselves with their new leader.

Scooter.

ME: Let's bust this party up.

Coming in from the left, we have Dwight.

DWIGHT: Hi, you must be Aaron.
AARON: Uh, yeah. Hi.
DWIGHT: I'm Dwight. I'm friends with Scooter.
AARON: Oh cool. Nice to meet you.
DWIGHT: You guys dated, right?
AARON: Yeah, for a little while. We've been reconnecting over the past few days.
DWIGHT: Aw, that's bad.
AARON: How come?
DWIGHT: Well, I actually think you're kind of cute.
AARON: Oh, well, it's not that serious yet--
DWIGHT: Yeah, but I can't take a chance on my health.
AARON: Your health?
DWIGHT: Yeah, I mean, I know Scooter is really conscious about when he's having outbreaks, but you just can't chance something like that.
AARON: WHAT?

Coming in from the right, we have Turner.

TURNER: Hey there, AJ.
AJ: Oh hey. Do I know you?
TURNER: Not yet, but you will.
AJ: Huh?
TURNER: You know, later tonight, when we...
AJ: We?
TURNER: You know! You, me, Scooter--
AJ: Are you talking about a--
TURNER: Look, I just want to run a few things by you, okay?
AJ: Uh...
TURNER: You're into food, right?
AJ: Food?
TURNER: You know, having someone eat baby food off of you?
AJ: Whoa, what--
TURNER: Because Scooter said you'd love it. He said he hasn't done that with you yet, but that now you're comfortable with him and--
AJ: I'm not THAT comfortable.
TURNER: Does this mean the whipping is out too?
AJ: WHAT?

Bringing up the rear (hehe), we have Nick.

NICK: Yo, Anthony.
ANTHONY: Yo--do I know you?
NICK: Bitch, you better know me. You owe me money.
ANTHONY: I do?
NICK: Scooter said you're the one he borrowed money for, which means you're the one I'm collecting from.
ANTHONY: Hey, I don't know anything about any money.
NICK: Oh, you don't, huh? I suppose you don't know anything about the JuJu either?
ANTHONY: What the hell is Juju?
NICK: Newest club drug. Scooter says you're hooked.
ANTHONY: That's bull, man!
NICK: Oh, so he's lying, huh? I thought that was your boy?
ANTHONY: He was--is--uh--
NICK: So you're not smuggling some JuJu in your rectum right now?
ANTHONY: WHAT?

Finally, we have Brian--to seal the deal.

BRIAN: ALICIA!
ALICIA: YOU!
BRIAN: AHHH!
ALICIA: You're--?
BRIAN: Scooter's bff!
ALICIA: Oh my God! So nice to meet you!
BRIAN: He said you're the coolest girl ever!
ALICIA: Did he really say that?
BRIAN: Totally. And can I just tell you, it's such a relief to know that he finally met someone who doesn't care about his past.
ALICIA: Oh, I don't--which part of his past?
BRIAN: Hahaha, you're funny. Scooter said you were funny.
ALICIA: Well, I am whimsical but--
BRIAN: You'd have to have a sense of humor to overlook three domestic violence arrests, I guess.
ALICIA: WHAT?

And just like that, Scooter toppled.

Not only did everyone strand him at the club, but my phone starting vibrating like an easy chair at Sharper Image.

AARON: SOS!
AJ: Can I go back to school now?
ANTHONY: HUGE MISTAKE! HUUUUGE!
ALICIA: I'm scarring on the inside.

To show that there were no hard feelings, me and the boys took Scooter out to IHOP.

SCOOTER: So you got rid of me. Are you happy?
ME: I didn't want to get rid of you. I just wanted you to stop sabotaging my fledglings.
TURNER: It was actually kind of fun taking you down a notch, Scooter.
BRIAN: I'm sorry, but when was it not fun?
DWIGHT: That Aaron kid gave me his number.
ME: That's actually the number to the West Warwick Public Library.
DWIGHT: Are you serious?
ME: Thou Shalt Not Give Out Thy Number to Republicans, Dwight.

It was good to have some laughs with old friends.

NICK: I hated having to black it up like that. I felt like Pam Grier.
ME: You all did fantastic.
SCOOTER: I guess this means I'm heading back to Boston.
ME: You don't hate me, do you?
SCOOTER: Actually, I miss you a lot. Why don't you come visit more?
BRIAN: Please, he doesn't even visit me and I'm his best friend.
TURNER: Uh, I believe I'm the one due for a visit.

Normally I'd say I don't like being fought over by boys--but like this...

BRAD: I'll come visit all of you. No wonder there are no cute boys left in Rhode Island--they all moved.

...I make exceptions to the rules.

Thou Shalt Not Convert

With all the craziness surrounding Scooter's return, I nearly forgot about the date I'd made with Alicia.

ALICIA: Kevin, have you ever had sex with a woman?

I should have cancelled the date.

ME: No, why would you ask that?
ALICIA: I was wondering if you ever questioned your sexuality.
ME: I question my sanity, but never my sexuality.
ALICIA: What would you say if I told you I was interested in a guy who's a little bit confused?
ME: What's he confused about? Trigonometry?
ALICIA: He thinks he might like girls.
ME: As opposed to--
ALICIA: Well, right now, he considers himself...someone...who doesn't...like girls.

This is where my sensitivity kicks in.

ME: Absolutely not.
ALICIA: But--
ME: No.
ALICIA: Kevin!
ME: NO!

I nearly pulled an NJH (New Jersey Housewife) and knocked over our table at Andrea's.

ME: Who is this idiot anyway?
VOICE: Whoa!

I shouldn't have asked.

Scooter sat down next to Alicia with a big smile on his face.

ME: Okay, this has gone far enough. Alicia, this is my friend--
ALICIA: I know.
ME: You know?
ALICIA: Anthony introduced me to him last night at Prisms.
ME: You went to Prisms?
SCOOTER: Not just us. AJ and Aaron came too.
ME: Oh really? And how soon afterwards did you all go back to the motel and make a snuff film?
ALICIA: Kevin, we would have invited you, but since you forbid me to go there in the first place and since the boys said you've been mad at them--
ME: I've been mad at them because they've been sleeping with him!

I pointed at Scooter like an old Italian woman points at the village whore.

God, I've been watching too much Moonstruck.

SCOOTER: I'm going to excuse myself so you can warn Alicia not to fall in love with me.
ALICIA: Aw, he might be too late!

Instead of bothering with Alicia--thereby continuing my losing streak--I followed Scooter.

ME: You don't actually plan on sleeping with her, do you?
SCOOTER: Of course not. The fact that she wants me is satisfying enough.
ME: Alicia isn't a gay boy, Scooter. There's a chance she can still see heaven.
SCOOTER: And you're going to lead her there?
ME: Just call me Saint Peter.

I had prepared for this...Well, maybe not this, but something like this.

After running to my car, I came back and dropped a very large photo album on the table.

ALICIA: What's this?
ME: These are the Scooter chronicles.
SCOOTER: The what?
ME: I like to think of it as psychological contraception.
ALICIA: Kevin, please don't. It's not necessary. I know Scooter is gay, but I can't but think that loving someone this much has to have an effect on them. And I don't believe in labels anyway.
SCOOTER: Neither do I.
ME: Really? Not even--

Photo One

ME: Naked Beer Pong Champion?
SCOOTER: You can't prove that's me. Whoever it is is wearing a Joker mask.
ALICIA: And not much else.

Photo Two

ME: That would be you, wouldn't it?
ALICIA: Scooter, are you having sex in a playpen?
SCOOTER: I was dating a Manny.

Photo Three

ALICIA: Oh my God.
ME: If this photo had been taken in Tibet, Scooter would have a price on his head right now.
SCOOTER: Wow, my thighs used to be wicked strong.

I shut the album.

ME: Still in love, Alicia?
ALICIA: Yes, but now, like always, I feel guilty about it.
SCOOTER: You know what cures guilt? Karaoke.
ME: Ohhh no! You are not taking her anyway. Alicia is coming home with me.
ALICIA: Really?
ME: Yes, and then I'm sending you back to your home.
SCOOTER: Or you could come with me, we can get drunk, and I'll make out with you once I start seeing double.
ALICIA: Let's go!

I could have stood in their way, but really, what would be the point?

I'd lost. Scooter won.

All I could think was--

Maybe it's time to shut down the school...

Thou Shalt Use a Tool to Screw; Thou Shalt Not Screw a Tool and Get Used

Scooter's return to town has become the equivalent of a hurricane touching down on a port town.

BRAD: Is this your way of asking for help?

I'm calling in Brad.

Scooter had already successfully managed to derail any progress Aaron was having with trying to meet nice guys, and he killed AJ's not-sleeping-with-losers streak.

Now I had a feeling he'd set his sights on Anthony.

BRAD: Don't you think you're being a little bit paranoid?
ME: Where Scooter is concerned, there is no paranoia. All your worst fears come true.
BRAD: Didn't you used to be friends with this guy?
ME: Oh, we're still friends. I just don't trust him to be around anyone with a weak sense of self without completely destroying them.
BRAD: Sounds like a pal to me.

Brad and I headed over to Anthony's apartment to try and head Scooter off at the pass.

God, I can't believe I just used the term 'head off at the pass.'

When we got to Anthony's apartment, Scooter's car was already parked out front.

ME: This is impossible!
BRAD: Are you sure he doesn't have a tracking device on you?
ME: I checked.
BRAD: Well, he can't have been here long. Didn't you just leave him with AJ?
ME: Trust me, he moves fast. He may have even brought AJ over to screw two birds with one stone.

We knocked on the door, and Anthony answered--fully clothed, thank God.

ANTHONY: Hey! We were wondering when you were going to get here.
ME: The 'we' being you and Scooter?
ANTHONY: Yeah! He told me you said to get the party started and you'd join us later.
ME: I said no such thing.

Scooter appeared behind Anthony mixing a drink.

SCOOTER: You know I have a hard time hearing you when you speak lameass.

I barged into the apartment, and pulled Scooter into the bathroom.

ME: Stop.
SCOOTER: Stop what?
ME: You know what.
SCOOTER: Again, lameass.
ME: Scooter, in less than twenty-four hours, you have slept with two out of the four people I'm trying to help.
SCOOTER: I know, but I'm not counting that chick because I haven't been bi since high school.
ME: Finish your drink. Say your good-byes. Then head back to Boston.
SCOOTER: Eat some nachos. Play some Cranium. Then we'll talk.

There's no reasoning with him when he's like this.

We all had our nachos, played some Cranium, and by the time we were done, everyone--aside from me--was trashed.

In Scooter terminology, "trashed" means "good to go."

ANTHONY: Kev, I might need a speech soon.
ME: Let's take this to the bedroom.
SCOOTER: That's what I said!
BRAD: Less talking, more pouring, Scoop.
SCOOTER: Scooter.
BRAD: Whatever.

In Anthony's bedroom, I got to the bottom of why he--and many others--find Scooter so irresistible.

ANTHONY: He's so stupid.

Ah, the money trait.

ANTHONY: I mean, come on, that's hot, right?
ME: Can you explain to me what's hot about someone being a tool?
ANTHONY: Maybe it's the caveman in me.
ME: You are aware the cavemen had enlarged foreheads and ate raw bison, right?
ANTHONY: What's bison?
ME: Pre-historic kittens.
ANTHONY: Ew! Really?

Hey, I have to have some fun too.

ME: Anthony, this is exactly what's wrong with all of you. You have your preferences and your priorities all mixed up. You should be going for guys who are smart, kind, reliable--
ANTHONY: Rich?
ME: No! You need to reassess what you want in life. If you just want one-night stands and walks of shame then keep getting with guys like Scooter. If you want to wake up twenty years from now next to someone you're actually proud to be waking up next to, then you need to go back in that kitchen and tell Scooter to leave.

Anthony took a deep breath.

ANTHONY: Kev, you know the great thing about a diet?
ME: No, what?
ANTHONY: You can always start it tomorrow.

With that, he took off into the kitchen.

I gathered up my dignity and met Brad in the front hall.

BRAD: You ready to give up?
ME: I've not yet begun to fight.
BRAD: But he's won. Anthony and he--
ME: I know, I know. But there's one thing about Scooter you don't understand.
BRAD: What's that?

With Scooter, the game is never really over.

Thou Shalt Not Hook Up

Leave it to Scooter.

SCOOTER: Who doesn't leave it to me?

He's back in my life for a grand total of two hours, and he's already making things difficult.

SCOOTER: It's a good thing too.
ME: How do you figure?
SCOOTER: Your life was getting boring.

After leaving Aaron's apartment last night--having found him and Scooter post-post--I texted Scooter and asked him to meet me for lunch at an old haunting ground.

SCOOTER: So am I the Brian now?

The NC.

ME: Not a chance in Hell.
SCOOTER: How is Bri anyway?
ME: I hear Seattle's treating him well.
SCOOTER: You're the last Rhode Island hold-out. You know that, right?
ME: I wouldn't call myself a hold-out.
SCOOTER: I'd call you a lameass.
ME: Why? Because I'm not making poor choices anymore?
SCOOTER: Yes! And because ever since you stopped making poor choices, your life has gotten sooo boring.
ME: How would you know? You ran off to Boston like it was Siberia and haven't spoke to me since.
SCOOTER: I know, and I'm sorry. I got all caught up in things, but now I'm back.
ME: For the time being.
SCOOTER: It looks like I came back just in time. Aaron told me about your little school for boys.

It's not like I was trying to keep the blog from Scooter. I always send him the links to my entries, but he's not really big on reading anything that doesn't have pictures and one-syllable words.

SCOOTER: Have you actually convinced these guys that you're a goodie-goodie?
ME: I never claimed to be an angel. I just think you can learn a lot from a man who's made mistakes.
SCOOTER: Wow, they must be getting an advanced course from you then.
ME: Oooh, look who got catty.
SCOOTER: I just wonder if they know just how much fun you can really be.
ME: What are you talking about?
SCOOTER: Have you told them about the Ashton Kutcher?
ME: You've been gone too long, Scoot. I even have a Demi Moore now.
VOICE: Hey!

We turned around to see AJ coming towards us.

ME: I didn't invite AJ.
SCOOTER: No, but I did.
ME: What?
SCOOTER: I found him on your Facebook. He's cute. He's a protege too, right?
ME: Scooter, if this is going to become some sick little mission of yours to bag every one of my guys--
SCOOTER: I'm not going to bag them. I just want to fuck most of them.

Kill me.

AJ: Thanks for inviting me, Scooter. Kevin's never told me about you.
ME: For the same reason I never mentioned my many yeast infections.
AJ: Ew, you had those?
ME: It's a--never mind.

We all tried to have a merry lunch--at least, they did. I was too pre-occupied watching Scooter eye-fuck AJ and watching AJ eye-ask-for-more back.

When Scooter excused himself to go to the men's room, I laid down the law.

ME: No.
AJ: Aw!
ME: NO!
AJ: K-Brock!
ME: Ajax, it ain't happenin'. You don't know Scooter like I do.
AJ: What don't I know?
ME: He hooked up with Aaron last night. That means you'd be breaking more than one rule.
AJ: Are you serious?
ME: Dead serious.
AJ: So what is he just trying to get everybody that you're trying to help?
ME: He might be.
AJ: So I'm just a box on his checklist?
ME: Yup.
AJ: Well never mind then. Nobody uses me for sex.

Silence.

AJ: Without being really honest with me about it.

Scooter returned to the table.

SCOOTER: So, anybody want to head back to my place for a threeway?
AJ: Did you actually just say that?
ME: God, it's just like old times.
SCOOTER: Might as well put the cards on the table.
AJ: You're not going to pretend like you like me?
SCOOTER: Dude, you seem all right, but you're not really my type. I wouldn't mind having some fun with you though.
AJ: Oh.

...Please, please, please...

AJ: Let's do it.

God has forsaken me. Me and Mischa Barton.

ME: I don't believe this.
SCOOTER: Not coming, Kev?
ME: Not on your life.
AJ: See now if you had come, I might have passed. Someone has a lot to learn, K-Brock.

Scooter paid the bill, and walked out with AJ.

I better call Anthony now.

Thou Shalt Beware Blasts from the Past

Aaron and I were discussing his ex-boyfriend.

ME: I didn't even know you had an ex-boyfriend.

Nowadays boys start dating before they've even left the closet.

AARON: It wasn't really a relationship...He was...
ME: He was?
AARON: Not exactly someone to be proud of--in the dating sense.
ME: So why did you date him?
AARON: There was just something about him.

Apparently the old flame was back in town for a visit.

AARON: I'm not sure what I should do.
ME: Are you worried that if you're around him again--
AARON: I'll rip his clothes off in less time than it takes him to say hello.
ME: I was going to say 'make a mistake' but okay.

We agreed that I should be there when Aaron's ex makes his grand re-entrance into his life. Since it was nice out, we grabbed an outdoor table at Paragon.

AARON: Whatever I say, don't leave me alone with him.
ME: Deal.
AARON: I think that's him rounding the corner.
ME: Okay.
AARON: God, he looks amazing.
ME: Should I--
AARON: You should get the hell out of here, that's what you should do!
ME: No can do.
AARON: I hate you! I hate you! I--Hi!

I stood up and turned around.

VOICE: No way!

Oh...boy.

ME: Scooter?
AARON: You two know each other?
ME: Uh...

(100 Dates--See: Man Whore)

ME: Yes, we do.
SCOOTER: Don't be like that. We're friends, me and Kevster.
ME: Scooter and I had...

What should I say?

Regrettable physical interaction?
Hot fun times?
An odd sort of friendship?

SCOOTER: We used to hang out.
AARON: So pretty much what we had, huh?
SCOOTER: Aw, Aaron, you know you're special.

Gee, thanks.

We all sat around and had lunch. Aaron seemed to be conducting himself pretty well. Maybe Scooter had actually failed to work his magic on someone.

ME: Well, this was great.
AARON: Yeah, it was fun.
SCOOTER: We should do it again!

We all said our good-byes, and I started walking back towards my car.

Don't ask me why, but somehow I knew I had to do the drive-by.

I can't say I was exactly surprised when I saw Scooter's car in front of Aaron's apartment building.

Knock, Knock.

AARON: Oh, hey Kev.
ME: He's here, isn't he?
AARON: I'm getting a lecture, aren't I?
ME: As soon as you put on pants.
VOICE: Hey, is that the pizza?

Yup, Scooter's back.

Thou Shalt Dance Your Ass Off

My proteges are going through a bit of a dry spell.

AJ: That's because you won't let us have sex.

I've prohibited them from having sex with degenerates, losers, freaks, stalkers, and/or crazy people.

This has eliminated all their former sexual partners.

ANTHONY: This blows.

Call me a Meanie. I don't mind.

ALICIA: Kevin, I can't keep going like this. I'm on the verge of breaking out my yearbook and Facebooking guys who used to be hot in high school.

Never let it be said that I'm heartless.

AARON: I was actually going to call you something much worse.

I've decided to take my kids dancing.

AJ: We get to go back to the club?!
ME: Not exactly.

We're going real dancing--like with steps, and everything.

PAYE: Five, six, seven, eight!

My old dance teacher Paye from 100 Dates offered to have the gang step in on a class to get rid of some of their sexual tension.

AARON: The instructor is hot.
ME: I know, I dated him.
AJ: God, K-Brock, you used to unwrap it with the best of 'em.
ME: Damn straight, cubby. Now let's bust a move.
ANTHONY: It's like I'm hanging out with my mom.
ALICIA: Wait, I'm confused. Is the dance teacher straight or not?

We all partnered up, and after an hour or so, we looked almost, not quite pathetic.

AARON: Kevin! I thought you said you took this class before!
ME: I have.
AARON: You just stepped on my feet for the third time.
ME: I didn't say I learned anything. I took Spanish all throughout high school and I still only know how to say 'My name is Kevin' and 'No, like the vegetable.'

Alicia wound up with a very attractive guy, and sparks were definitely flying.

When we took a fluid break, she snuck over to me.

ALICIA: Kevin, this is a great way to meet guys!
ME: Just be careful that your hormones aren't what's making you think you like him.
ALICIA: He just told me he's a doctor who lives on the East Side and occasionally does charity work in Jamaica.
ME: Go, go now.
ALICIA: So you--
ME: Vaya con dios, Alicia! GO!

She wasn't the only one making a love connection.

ANTHONY: Pita just asked me out on a date!
ME: You mean Paye?
ANTHONY: Yeah! Can I go?
ME: Anthony, you don't have to ask my permission.
ANTHONY: Aw, thanks, Kev.
ME: Of course you can't go.
ANTHONY: What? Why not?
ME: I dated Paye!
ANTHONY: You're still on that rule?
ME: I just--why do you--YES!
ANTHONY: Well I'm going anyway. You can deal.

He walked away from me.

AARON: Are you upset?
ME: No, of course not. I'm being silly anyway. Paye was forever ago. He's a great guy. It's a good thing that Anthony and he are going to hang out.
AARON: You're still pissed, aren't you?
ME: Sooo pissed.

It's a good thing I have AJ to keep me in perspective.

AJ: K-Brock, when you dance, you look like someone invisible person is punching you in the sack.

And by "perspective," I mean--ridicules me.