Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Thou Shalt Set It Straight

After failing to keep Byron from falling victim to Brad's House of Horrors, I knew I had to find my most vulnerable student.

ME: Boone!
BOONE: Hey Kev, want in on the game?

I found Boone in the basement playing strip poker with a bunch of drunken homos. He was down to his boxers, and his hand didn't look promising, so I pulled him from the game.

RANDOM HOMO: Hey! We're not done!
ME: If you get anymore done, I doubt you'll be able to stand up.
RANDOM HOMO #2: Way to ruin the fun.
ME: This is my friend, Boone. And he's straight.

They all looked at each other and laughed.

RANDOM HOMO #3: You are aware he initiated the game, right?
ME: You're aware that one of your nipples is way farther to the left than it should be, right?
RANDOM HOMO #3: My mom says it means I can tell the future.
ME: Excellent. Tell me which of my fists is going to knock you out if you follow us up the stairs.

Once we were back in the kitchen, I laid down the law.

ME: Boone, are you gay?
BOONE: Excuse me?
ME: You heard me.
BOONE: Why are you--
ME: Because you send mixed signals. Because you dance around the issue. Because I just found you nearly naked with three gay guys who were all ready to jump you.
BOONE: I could have handled them.
ME: Oh, I know that. I just don't see what you get out of leading them on. Either you're gay or you really want attention. One of those will get you sympathy from me. The other just gets you a kick in the head.

Boone put his shirt on.

BOONE: What I am is my business.
ME: That's usually what gay guys say when they're in the closet.
BOONE: I don't have to explain myself to you.
ME: No, you don't, but you need to get yourself straight--and I'm not using a pun there.
BOONE: Noted.
ME: Sexuality is not something you keep vague, because it is nothing you can change. It is not a flexible issue. I don't care if you're gay, bi, straight, or omnisexual.
BOONE: Sex with everything?
ME: Just figure out what you are so you don't lead anybody else on.

That's when I started to walk away.

BOONE: Hey Kev!

I turned around.

BOONE: You want an answer? I'll give you an answer.

Leave it to him to kill a dramatic exit.

BOONE: You just have to beat me in a game of poker.

I was really hoping he'd say Monopoly.

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