Thou Shalt Dump the Zero and Get with a Hero

Aaron went on a date.

ME: And?

It went very well.

ME: Excellent.

Only one problem.

AARON: I don't like him.

Of course.

Aaron and I were getting lunch at Paragon, and discussing his latest problem.

ME: You want to let the guy down easy?
AARON: Well, in a manner of speaking.
ME: What do you mean?
AARON: I kind of hate him.
ME: I thought you said you didn't like him?
AARON: I was being kind.
ME: So you wouldn't want to keep him as a friend?
AARON: No, otherwise I would just say that. I kind of just want him to disappear.
ME: Okay.
AARON: That's why I haven't returned his phone calls.
ME: And you haven't been returning the phone calls for...?
AARON: Um...close to two weeks.

I reacted as calmly as I could.

ME: AARON!
AARON: What?
ME: That's typical caveman behavior. I'm so disappointed in you.
AARON: Surprise, surprise.

Clearly I was going to have to use this as a lesson opportunity.

ME: If you're upfront with the guy about how you feel, you'll see that he probably feels the same way that you do.

Actually...

AARON: He told me I was wrong.
ME: What?

I was wrong, and apparently so was Aaron. He went home after our lunch and tried to be straight with his No-Go (pardon the pun) about how he felt.

The No-Go wasn't having it.

AARON: He said that I couldn't know after one date that we're not good together.
ME: So he rejected your rejection?
AARON: Yup.
ME: This is very Seinfeld.
AARON: I'm aware. Should I try again?
ME: No, I think this calls for some brutal truth.
AARON: You're going to have Brad coach me?
ME: You got it.

I made sure Brad was there that night when Aaron and I convened at his apartment. He put No-Go on speaker phone. The idea was to have Brad coach him by whispering into his non-phone ear. I would write my suggestions down on a piece of paper. Between the three of us I was pretty sure we could dispatch of this guy and still have time to hit up karaoke.

AARON: Hey.
NO-GO: Hey Cutie! When am I seeing you again?
BRAD: Never.
ME: (Writing) NO! Say 'That's the thing...'
NO-GO: You there?
AARON: That's the thing.
BRAD: Do you want my help or not?
ME: (Writing.) Fine.
BRAD: Tell him you're seeing someone else.
AARON: I'm seeing someone else.
NO-GO: Haha, you're totally lying.
BRAD: Wow, that was creepy.
NO-GO: How about I just pop by your apartment?
BRAD: If you do--
AARON: If you do--
BRAD: --There will be two naked men here on top of me.
AARON: There will be--WHAT?
ME: (Writing.) I'm sorry, but I just don't think that would be a good idea.
AARON: I don't think that would be a good idea.
NO-GO: Only one way to find out.

Click.

ME: Dear God.
BRAD: Welcome to Fatal Attraction.
AARON: He's on his way over here!
BRAD: How does he know where you live?
AARON: We hung out here after our first date.
ME: But you said the date didn't go well.

Silence.

ME: You slept with him, didn't you?
AARON: I didn't say he was ugly though!
ME: You cannot sleep with someone and then try to blow them off! That makes this whole thing really wrong.
BRAD: In the words of Cameron Diaz in that awful film Vanilla Sky, 'You came in me four times. That means something.'
ME: I forgot how ridiculous that movie is.

A short while later, No-Go did, in fact, show up.

ME: You have got to be kidding me.

Of course, I knew him.

CLINGY DINGY: You know Kevin?

http://100dates100boys.blogspot.com/2006/11/date-43-clingy-dingy.html

AARON: He's a friend. And this is Brad?
BRAD: I'm just an alcoholic.
CLINGY DINGY: That's cool. Would you guys mind if I had some alone time with my boyfriend?
AARON: Your boyfriend being--?
CLINGY DINGY: You silly!
ME: Aaron, could I see you for a second before I leave you and your boyfriend alone?
AARON: Yes, yes, and yes.

I brought Aaron into the bathroom and explained to him how to dispose of Clingy Dingy.

ME: Just come onto him as strong as he's coming onto you.
AARON: Are you sure that'll work?
ME: Yes, and by the way, he's not nearly cute enough to justify a fling.
AARON: Can we work on raising my expectations some other time? He's about to maul me!
ME: Just remember what I said.

Brad and I made our departure as Clingy Dingy was measuring Aaron's apartment to see where he could put his couch once they moved in together.

BRAD: That is one scary boy.
ME: You have no idea.

An hour later I got the call.

AARON: It worked.
ME: Excellent.
AARON: Thanks so much.
ME: Did you use the Jeb Bush line?
AARON: No, I swapped it out for Glenn Beck.
ME: I don't recall giving you creative licensing.
AARON: Haha, you're the best, Kev.
ME: Only one question: Why did it take an hour to get rid of him?

Silence.

ME: You didn't.
AARON: Oh no! I think I hear my oven. My biscuits must be done.
ME: You mean your tramp biscuits?
AARON: Gotta go!

One step at a time, one step at a time...

Thou Shalt Read Something Other Than a Witty Blog

I didn't think this was going to be easy.

AARON: No.

I assumed they'd fight me on it.

AJ: No.

I expected hesitation.

ANTHONY: No way.

I even thought there'd be crying.

ALICIA: Kevin--wahhhh...

Mostly because I know Alicia.

BRAD: You can't be serious.

All this just to start--

ALL: No!

--A Book Club.

ME: So, let's talk about the book.

I decided that my proteges needed to educate themselves a bit. Part of the reason they never have anything to talk about with anyone is because their entire cultural frame of reference consists of VH1 and clips from The Soup.

AARON: What if we didn't read the book?
ME: I guess we move on to the talent portion of the afternoon.
AARON: Really?
ME: No, Aaron! It's a Book Club. Reading the book is sort of essential.

I had everyone--including Brad--meet me at the local Barnes and Noble after giving them two weeks to read one of my favorite books--Christopher Rice's A Density of Souls.

Unfortunately, there was a little too much density and a massive lack of soul.

AJ: I read, like, the first chapter.
BRAD: Ha!
ME: Brad, maybe he did.
BRAD: AJ, when you say first chapter--
AJ: Fine, the first page.
BRAD: Really?
AJ: The first line. It sounded boring.
ME: At least you didn't try and fake it by quoting from the back cover.
ANTHONY: Damn! How did you know I was going to do that?

I turned to Alicia. I knew she wouldn't let me down.

ALICIA: Um, I sort of, read something else.
ME: Oh, well...that's okay. A Book Club is meant to be a place of sharing.
AARON: In that case, can we talk about this guy I--
ME: Sharing about books, Aaron! Books!
AARON: Sorry.
AJ: Apparently books make you bitchy.
ME: Alicia, you have the floor.
BRAD: I wish I had a mimosa.

Alicia took a magazine out of her bag.

ALICIA: Have you guys read US Weekly?
ME: Alicia! That's not a book.
ALICIA: But it's reading.
ME: No it's not!
ALICIA: Kevin, there are articles.
BRAD: Tell us, Alicia, whose fat this week?
ALICIA: Brooke Hogan.
AJ: Please, that bitch is fat every week.
ME: AHHH!

Everyone in the B&N Cafe turned and looked at me. I decided I needed to try a different approach.

ANTHONY; We're in trouble. I can tell. He's got that look on his face like he just peed himself.
BRAD: Know that look well, do you, Anthony?

I stood up.

ME: Since none of you read this book--and since you clearly have no intention of reading it or anything else that has more substance to it than the back of a ketchup bottle--I might as well tell you what you missed.
BRAD: Lots of intellectual rambling?
AARON: A convoluted storyline?
AJ: Big words like convoluted?
ANTHONY: A plot and shit?
ALICIA: Whatever it was it CANNOT be as good as what Kate from Jon and Kate was wearing on--
ME: Sex.

That shut them up--I smiled.

ME: You missed gay sex, straight sex, murder, floods, depravity, sin, grudges, revenge, scandal--and not one, but four twists.

They looked at each other wondering if they'd made a mistake.

ME: You see I picked this book because I wanted to get you guys excited about reading and enlightening yourselves. Expanding your horizons. But I knew if I just shot you out of the Jane Eyre cannon, you'd have been turned off. So I started you out with something more to your liking, but you all decided to pass on it. Fair enough.

I dropped a copy of the book on the table. Then I drove the knife into their hearts.

ME: Oh, and I forgot to mention. The whole thing takes place in New Orleans--dirty, hot, sultry New Orleans.

As I turned and started walking away, I caught them out of the corner of my eye--grabbing and pulling at the book I left on the table like wild beasts going at a deer carcass--wanting to find out what happened in it.

Now that's how you get kids excited about summer reading.

Thou Shalt Ignore Thy Foolish Heart

I see this problem often with girls.

GIRL #1: But my heart's telling me he's the one.
GIRL #2: My heart aches for him.
GIRL #3: Am I supposed to just ignore my heart?

ANSWERS:

Your heart is lying.
Your heart needs to get over it.
Yes, yes, yes.

It only stands to reason that Alicia would want to take a cue from her foolish heart.

ALICIA: Kevin, why would my heart hurt this much if it weren't for a reason?
ME: Your heart isn't hurting. Your brain is hurting because you're depriving it of stimulation by focusing all on your time on an idiot.

Harsh, I know. But she needs to hear it.

Alicia went on a date with a guy, who following the date, refuses to respond to her phone calls AND (the kicker) defriended her on Facebook.

ME: Honey, he's gone. He's long gone. He's in social Siberia for all intents and purposes.
ALICIA: But then why do I still care about him?
ME: Because you've seen too many movies and you think that if you care about someone enough eventually some sort of magical screenwriter in the sky will put the two of you together.
ALICIA: So you're saying I shouldn't have watched 'Maid in Manhattan' last night?
ME: Nobody should EVER watch 'Maid in Manhattan.' Ever.

I decided to demonstrate what I was talking about since Alicia is more into visuals--especially visuals of Care Bears.

We were at her apartment where she had sequestered herself in her bedroom. I opened up her window, checked to make sure there was nobody underneath it, then took the glass of water on her nightstand and poured it out the window.

ALICIA: Hey!
ME: That's what it's like when you focus on a guy who isn't focused on you. It's like pouring good water out the window. It doesn't go anywhere. It doesn't magically land back in your mouth. It's just gone.
ALICIA: That was actually Sprite and Vodka.
ME: Okay, so that was a more expensive lesson than I had intended. I apologize.
ALICIA: But I get what you mean.
ME: Alicia, the key point here is that while you've been locked away in this room, you could have been missing opportunities to meet better guys than the one you lost.
ALICIA: I just don't feel like there is a better guy.
ME: Okay, are you ready for me to blow your mind?
ALICIA: Sure.

I took a deep breath.

ME: There's always someone better.
ALICIA: No, but--
ME: No, there's ALWAYS someone better.
ALICIA: What about when you're married to someone for thirty years?
ME: Still someone better.
ALICIA: What about Johnny Depp?
ME: Someone better.
ALICIA: What about George Clooney?
ME: Yeah, that's the top, but other than him, always someone better.

Alicia sat right up in bed, tossing aside her Spongebob plush toy. (What do you call a Peter Plan complex in a girl?)

ALICIA: So even when we do find someone we're settling?
ME: Hey, some settlements are great. Not Roanoke, but you know, other ones. Some are deals! That's what you're trying to do. You're trying to find the best deal. But the nice thing is, when the deal goes sour, there's always another deal. You just have to be willing to walk.

I stood up and held out my hands.

ME: Are you ready to walk away from this deal?
ALICIA: Kevin, is this where I give you my suitcase?
ME: Metaphorically, yes.

She gave me her hand, and I helped her up.

Then we went to get a drink, since I sort of owed her one.

Thou Shalt Start with the Man in Thy Mirror

If my life were an Elton John song, it would be 'Levon.'

ANTHONY: Huh?

But if this particular moment in my life were an Elton John song, it would be 'Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word.'

ANTHONY: Okay, that makes more sense.

After leaving Anthony seventeen voicemails a day (don't think you can out-stalk me, it's impossible) he finally agreed (aka was eroded enough) to see me.

ME: I'm sorry that I accused you of only wanting friends for orgies and alcoholism.
ANTHONY: That's not exactly how you put it, but I accept your apology.
ME: I just think you're a great guy. You deserve a better quality of life.
ANTHONY: But Kevin, I've done everything you've told me to do, and my life keeps getting worse.
ME: That's because you still have so much baggage left over from your Mean Girl days.
ANTHONY: And what am I supposed to do about that?
ME: What any recovering addict does--

Apologize.

ANTHONY: Oh no. I'm Italian. We don't believe in apologizing. We believe in grudges and hair gel.
ME: You don't have to apologize to everyone. I just think it would be nice if you offered some sort of...um...offering. A peace offering.
ANTHONY: How?
ME: Well...

We wound up at karaoke. Without telling Anthony, I signed him up to sing. When he found out, he was less than pleased.

ANTHONY: How is this an apology?
ME: It's an apology through song.
ANTHONY: I'm going to make an idiot out of myself.
ME: That's the point! People will see that you're not trying to hold onto this ridiculous image anymore. Plus, they can laugh at you, which always helps the forgiveness process.
ANTHONY: I don't know, Kev...
ME: I'll be right behind you.
ANTHONY: Supporting me?
ME: Yes...and doing back-up.

Before the music even started, I had assembled a small group of supporters to give Anthony the ummph, he needed.

BRAD: Ummph?
ME: Just shut up and cheer.

The rest was going to be up to him.

VOICE: Next up--Anthony!

Mild applause, until I shot my table looks and then everyone cheered. Assembled were Brad, myself, AJ, Aaron, and Alicia.

ALICIA: After this, can I sing 'Dirty Diana?'
ALL: No!

'I'm going to make a change...'

The second he started, I knew he had it. The crowd loved him. The same group of people that had been giving him dagger eyes at Pride were smiling and singing along.

At one point in the song, Anthony looked over at me and gave me the thumbs up.

It was a little bit like The Sandlot...and...um...

Great. I can't even think of The Sandlot without crying.

Let's just say I'm glad I got my protege back.

Thou Shalt Not Be A Catty Bitch (Wrong Blog)

I feel I may have contributed to this problem.

AJ: Did you see that lazy eye? Tragedy.

Catty.

AJ: Did you see those shoes? Tragedy.

Bitchy.

AJ: Did you see his boyfriend? Tra-ge-dy.

Queens.

AJ: No me gusta that haircut. Tragedio.
ME: That's not Spanish for tragedy, AJ.
AJ: Whatev's.

AJ and I were shopping at the mall, and it seemed like he had a comment for every guy that walked by us. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to try and rid of him of his CBQ-ness.

AJ: But I like being this way! It shows that I'm witty and confident.
ME: When done right, it does. When done poor, as you do it, it makes you sound like a Chuck Bass knock-off.
AJ: Isn't that the point?
ME: AJ, everyone's a little catty from time to time, but you do need to know when to flip the switch. You sound defensive when nobody's even on the offense.
AJ: So you're saying I should be nicer?
ME: I'm saying that when you're bitchy, it makes it harder for people to approach you, especially nice people.
VOICE: You should talk.

We both turned around--

ME: Oh damn.

--And there was Miles.

MILES: You coin the damn term and then you try to get the boy to quit it? Are you for real?
ME: I'm sorry. I didn't realize we were shopping at the Crab Shack.
AJ: Kevin--
ME: I mean, hi Miles. How are you?
MILES: See? Even you can't cut out the bitchiness.
ME: Of course I can, but there's no point wasting kindness on steadfast assjockeys.
AJ: Forget it. I'm not quitting if you're not.
ME: OKAY! Okay. I'm quitting.
MILES: Really? Hey guys!

Sure enough, the Dick Clique was within walking distance.

MILES: Look who I just ran into here at the Crab Shack.
LOGAN: I thought this was a Borders?
ME: Hi guys, how are you?
MATT: Better than those jeans you're wearing.

Oh boy.

ME: AJ, why don't we head out?
AJ: No way. I want to see how you handle this without being bitchy.
ME: It's like you're asking me to handle a crockpot without oven mitts.
AJ: If you can't do it, how am I supposed to?

Time to put my moxy where my mouth is, I guess.

PRYCE: So, where did you buy that shirt? TJ Maxx?
ME: Actually, it was on sale at--

I wanted to say--Your Mother's Brothel, but I bit my lip.

ME: Never mind.
RICKY: Those glasses make you look like The Nutty Professor.

Okay, time for a new approach.

ME: Don't forget the bad teeth, scrawny physique, and oddly shaped head.
MILES: Huh?
ME: Just thought I'd mention what you forgot.
LOGAN: Uh...
ME: Anything else?
MILES: No, we're going. We have reservations.
AJ: Where? At the--
ME: AJ!
AJ: Church?
ME: Amen.

The Dick Clique took off.

AJ: You don't have an oddly shaped head.
ME: That was to throw them. Let's get dinner.

In the meantime, I have to go buy some new clothes.

Thou Shalt Go Long

Aaron is on a bad date.

AARON: I actually love toenails. Different shapes and stuff...

Luckily, it doesn't matter.

AARON: How some look like little slivers...

Because we're in New Hampshire.

AARON: Like...crescents.

Thank God.

I took Aaron to New Hampshire to do some dating practice. In a state as small as Rhode Island, a few bad dates can haunt you for a long time. That's why it's a good idea to get some out-of-state dating done.

AARON: How was that?
ME: I'm thinking of taking you to Montana. I don't think you can date anymore in New Hampshire after that.
AARON: Hey!
ME: Toe slivers?
AARON: He mentioned toenails.
ME: No, you misheard him, he said 'go sailing.'
AARON: Ohhh, that does make more sense.

So far, Aaron has been on dates with guys from Massachusetts, Connecticut, and even New York (that one was around Pride Time when gays from every nearby state flock to wherever the nearest Speedo competition is.)

AARON: I'm a failure.
ME: That's why we're doing this. So you can fail without repercussions.
AARON: I just get so nervous.
ME: Why?
AARON: Because I can never think of anything to say.
ME: So let them talk and just jump in when you feel inspired.
AARON: I'm just boring.
ME: Aaron, you can talk to me without any problems.
AARON: That's different. I'm not trying to date you.
ME: Well, here's an idea.

I stopped off at a nearby coffee shop. We got out and went inside, but Aaron didn't know what I was up to. Once we were seated, I took out a pad and paper, and gave him a look.

AARON: What?
ME: Talk.
AARON: Talk?
ME: Yes. Talk now, while you're not nervous, and I'll write down key points you seem comfortable discussing.
AARON: But now I'm nervous!
ME: You must want to talk about something!
AARON: Can we talk about Anthony and how he hates you now?
ME: Sure.
AARON: Really?
ME: If it helps.

Anthony hadn't talked to me since Pride. I hate having people be mad at me. I know it's not cool to care if someone's angry with you, and I know I do enough to inspire hatred, but that doesn't change the fact that it unsettles me.

We talked about Anthony, and that went into talk about friendships, relationships, things that make us feel guilty, our love of Jeopardy, how our love of Jeopardy makes us feel guilty...

Before long, I filled up my pad.

ME: See that? Now you have conversation points you can hit.
AARON: Are toenails on there?
ME: No, I think we're going to put 'toenails' on the black list next to STD's and crimping hair.
AARON: Fine by me.
ME: So this helps?
AARON: This is fantastic. You're fantastic. Thank you.

Well, at least somebody still likes me.

Thou Shalt Be Gay and Proud

I knew this was a bad idea.

AARON: Kevin, I'm scared.

I'm not even halfway through the challenge, and already I'm faced with a Mid-Term.

AARON: What if I run into the DC?

One word.

AJ: We're about to get toasty, y'all.

Pride.

BRAD: Oh, I can't wait to see how you handle this one.

I had a plan. The plan was to make sure none of the boys got kidnapped by deranged roofiers, spun around on coffee tables, or engaged to a Kardashian.

ME: Where's Aaron?
ANTHONY: He was here a second ago.

Five minutes after arriving at Prisms' Block Party, I was already failing.

It seemed essential that the boys be able to go to Pride. After all, what good was I doing in making these boys be productive members of the gay community if I couldn't even let them be AROUND the gay community?

Still, Pride is not known for being a conducive environment when it comes to rehabilitation.

AJ: Hey K-Brock, the bartender says he'll give me a free drink if I show him my--
ME: Brad, watch AJ. I have to go find Aaron.

Aaron ended up being on the dance floor, or as I like to call, the Tenth Circle of Hell. Prisms isn't nearly large enough to accommodate the number of people trying to squeeze themselves inside, so the dance floor ends up resembling a clown car.

A very gay clown car.

I managed to work my way over to Aaron, who looked frantic.

AARON: Kevin! I don't know what happened!
ME: You got sucked into the gay vortex!

I grabbed his hand, aimed for the door, and propelled myself forward.

Outside, I managed to locate Anthony.

ME: How you doing, slugger?
ANTHONY: Everyone keeps shooting me dirty looks. I think the Dick Clique has been spreading it around that I'm not a part of their group anymore.
ME: If someone shoots you a dirty look, shoot them a smile. It disarms people.

He tried it. The person flipped him off.

ME: That's it. I'm never reading Emily Post again.
AARON: Where's AJ?
ME: I left him with Brad.
VOICE: You did?

I turned around to see Brad sipping a drink.

ME: Brad, where's AJ?
BRAD: He ran inside.
ME: And you didn't go after him?
BRAD: And risk spilling my drink?

I took a deep breath, and barreled back into the club. I couldn't find AJ on the dance floor, but when I went up to the second floor for air, I saw him about to duck into a men's room with some guy who looked like Lon Chaney's body double.

ME: AJ!
AJ: Ohhh, hey Kev.
ME: Where are you going?
AJ: This guy wanted to show me his tattoo.
ME: You mean the one he got in prison?
AJ: Kevin--
ME: Let's go.

A few minutes later we were outside again. I found Aaron and Brad dancing--a little too closely, I might add.

ME: I hope you two aren't planning on making out, because I don't think my heart can take it.
BRAD: I'm so drunk; I can't even understand you.
ME: Where's Anthony?
AARON: Uh...
BRAD: Take a guess.
ME: Inside?
AARON and BRAD: Yup.
AJ: I can go get him!
ME: Sorry, AJ, he's not in the men's room...I hope.

Round Three: Anthony was inside on the box. I paid a shotboy five dollars to get down on all fours so I could use him as a mounting device to get up onto the--

Did I just say 'shotboy' and 'mounting device' in the same sentence?

ME: Anthony, what are you doing?
ANTHONY: I'm trying to have fun. Do you want to explain to me why that's a bad thing?
ME: I just want to make sure you're okay.
ANTHONY: Of course I'm not okay! I have no friends! I have no boyfriend! Everyone hates me! And guess who I blame?

Well, knock me off the box, why don't you?

ME: Anthony, I know this transition is rough--
ANTHONY: Kevin, I liked my life. I liked it a lot. Maybe it wasn't much, but it was fun.
ME: And what were you planning on doing once the fun stopped?
ANTHONY: Huh?
ME: You know, there is a point where orgies with people you call your friends and drinking yourself into a stupor gets kind of old.
ANTHONY: Well I hadn't reached that point yet, but thanks for making me leave the party early.

He hopped down from the box.

ME: ANTHONY!

But he just kept walking.

And I couldn't help but wondering...

Did I just lose one of my boys?