Monday, October 4, 2010

Thou Shalt Keep an Imaginary Secret

I decided to have lunch with Bowie to try and figure out who he thought was gay (Boone or Byron) and let him know that he needed to keep it a secret...whoever it was.

BOWIE: I don't know.
ME: What?
BOWIE: I said I don't know.
ME: Don't know what?
BOWIE: Who the gay one is!
ME: I'm confused.

This isn't unusual.

ME: Brad and I hung out the other night and he told me that there's a closet case in our little group.

Leave it to Brad to make sure he doesn't lose the bet we have going. If I fail to rehabilitate the boys, then Brad gets a nice pile of my money.

BOWIE: So who is it? Boone or Byron?

Two can play this game.

ME: It's Brody.
BOWIE: What?!?!
ME: Okay, that didn't need exclamation points AND question marks.
BOWIE: But Brody is--
ME: Straight.
BOWIE: Straight?
ME: Yup.
BOWIE: Then why does he say he's gay?
ME: He's struggling with his sexuality. I'm trying to help him with that.
BOWIE: So you're trying to help him come to terms with the fact that he's straight?
ME: Exactly.
BOWIE: That's insane.
ME: I'm trying not to judge him, Bowie. You shouldn't either.

I could tell Bowie wasn't sure whether to believe me or not, so I sealed the deal by leaning in close and whispering.

ME: You cannot tell ANYONE about this, okay? Brody trusts me.
BOWIE: Okay, okay. I'll keep it to myself. Nobody would believe me anyway.

You can say that again.

BOWIE: Wait a minute, does this mean I'm the ONLY gay guy you're helping right now.

Wow, I didn't even think about that.

ME: See? Don't you feel special?

He smiled, and that was when I knew I had him.

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