Thou Shalt Not Run Over Thy Ex

Anthony is the one that seems to be doing the best of all my proteges.

Of course, that's like comparing war crimes.

Still, I had a lot of faith in Anthony. That's why when he told me he was having dinner with Chet, his idiot ex-boyfriend, I wasn't all that worried.

ME: So how do you think the dinner is going to go?
ANTHONY: Real good. I'm going to make him think we're cool and then shank him with the butter knife.
ME: Uh...maybe I'd better come along.

This seemed like a great time to teach Anthony about being civil to an ex.

We met up at Bravo and, of course, Chet was running late.

ANTHONY: So no cussing him out?
ME: No.
ANTHONY: No telling him he sucked in bed?
ME: Anthony--Wait, he sucked in bed?
ANTHONY: Hardcore.
ME: Just avoid sex talk altogether.
ANTHONY: Can I spill red wine on him? That shit doesn't come out.
ME: I might allow that one depending on how annoying he is.

Right on cue--

CHET: So I get two hotties for the price of one?

I immediately ordered a red wine.

Dinner went as follows:

Chet would say something stupid.

Anthony would start to tell Chet he was stupid.

I would pinch Anthony under the table.

Anthony would say something civil instead.

I would feel pride bursting through me like a crazy little league parent when their kid purposefully hits the batter with a ball.

Everything was going great right up until the end. Chet even paid for dinner, which was nice.

...Somewhat too nice.

CHET: We should do this again.
ANTHONY: Yeah, it was...not awful.
CHET: Maybe I should bring my new boyfriend next time.

Red Flag.

ANTHONY: You got a new boyfriend?
CHET: Yeah, Moss Lewis.
ANTHONY: Moss?
ME: Someone is actually named Moss?
ANTHONY: That's my ex-boyfriend--my OTHER ex-boyfriend.
CHET: Yeah, I Facebooked him. We hung out. Amazing body.
ANTHONY: Uh--I know.

This was when I saw him glance at the butter knife, so I dragged him away with a fleeting "So long" to Chet.

Once we were back in his car, I realized letting him drive was not the best idea, but he already had the key in the ignition.

ANTHONY: That f**king cockjockey!
ME: Do you actually miss this Mildew?
ANTHONY: That's not the--it's Moss!
ME: It's still not pleasant.

We turned onto Broad Street just as--lo and behold--Chet was crossing the street.

ANTHONY: Kev--
ME: Don't do it.
ANTHONY: Can't I just tap him?
ME: Tapping is called vehicular manslaughter, Anthony.

Luckily, Chet made it across the street and Anthony kept driving.

ANTHONY: Guess I'm flunking keeping my temper in check, huh?
ME: No flunking would have been running the dickhead over just now.
ANTHONY: I always was a C-student.

Funny. I was always an easy grader.