Thou Shalt Reject Thy Fawners

Alicia offered to help me with Boone, since he's the straight guy of the pack.

What she didn't know was that I was planning on having her help me figure out just how straight Boone is.

ALICIA: I'm so excited! I even made a lesson plan.
ME: Alicia, we're just going out for drinks with him.
ALICIA: Oh shoot! I forgot to put that in the plan.

Boone met us at a bar downtown, where Alicia revealed today's commandment.

ALICIA: You've got to stop only hanging around with women who want to sleep with you.
BOONE: That kind of limits my options to...hanging out with guys...straight guys...straight blind guys.
ME: Boone, if the only people around you want something from you, you're not experiencing real relationships.
BOONE: So how do we solve this?
ALICIA: We're taking you off the market for the night.

That's when Alicia slipped a fake wedding band on her finger--and Boone's.

BOONE: I think I can feel my finger burning.

While Alicia was hoping that Boone learned what life is like when women know you're off the table I was hoping Boone might set off Alicia's alarms.

Say what you want about the girl, but lately her gaydar has been on-point.

Two weeks ago...

ALICIA: That guy who just drove by us is gay.
ME: Um, I know him, Alicia.
ALICA: And?
ME: Well, he's--how did you know that?
ALICIA: After you date seventeen gay men, you learn a few things.

That night, Alicia and Boone made their way around the bar as a happy couple. For the first time, Boone found that he wasn't beating women away with a stick. Only a few stuck around to talk, meaning they might actually enjoy Boone's personality.

BOONE: Apparently, I'm not as rocking as I think I am.
ALICIA: Yes, you are. There are just an awful lot of people out there who are only looking for a quick fling.
ME: We're the ADD generation, Boone. It's not always pretty.
BOONE: Wait, you think we're in the same generation? Hahaha...

Ouch.

When Boone went to the bathroom, I took the opportunity to question Alicia.

ME: Sooo?
ALICIA: So what?
ME: What do you think of Boone?
ALICIA: He seems nice.
ME: Anything...funny about him?
ALICIA: No, not at all.

Phew.

ALICIA: Except that he's in the closet.

Uh oh...

Thou Shalt Hold My Hand

Aaron was the perfect choice to help me with Byron.

His coming out process hadn't gone as smoothly as I would have liked. The main problem was his resistance to accepting who he was.

Luckily, that was something my former student experienced as well.

AARON: We're going to hold hands.
BYRON: Excuse me?
ME: Hands, Byron. You're going to hold hands.
BYRON: But I just met this guy.
AARON: Are they all this dense?
ME: Oh yeah, and your class was a regular TED conference.

Aaron took Byron's hand, and started walking.

BYRON: Whoa, wait a minute. Where are we going?
AARON: We're going to take a walk downtown.
BYRON: I'm not holding your hand while we--

I thought he was going to put up a fight.

That's why I brought the handcuffs.

BYRON: I hope you have keys for these.
ME: Brad does.
BRYON: I'm screwed.

I let Aaron do the talking.

AARON: You need to realize that you, luckily, live in a fairly tolerant state where it's okay for you to be who you are.
BYRON: Oh really? Is that why you and I can't get married?
AARON: Nothing gets better with fear. Things only get better with courage.
BYRON: Fine, but why do I have to be the courageous one?
AARON: Some men are born great and some have greatness thrust upon them.
BYRON: Can't I just have money thrust upon me?

I could see this was going to have to be a team effort, so I took Byron's other hand.

ME: Let's do this.
BYRON: Great. Now it looks even gayer.

We went for a walk around town. I'd love to say we caused a big commotion, but I think most people just thought we were RISD kids doing a piece of performance art.

By the time we made it back to Aaron's place, Byron was laughing and having a great time. He didn't even realize he was still handcuffed.

And I didn't realize that Brad was in Atlanta.

But I decided to wait until we got inside to let him know just how successful our bonding experience was going to be.

Thou Shalt Box Up Thy Honesty

My old student AJ was in charge of helping me with Brody, the drama queen.

It seemed fitting since drama used to be AJ's major at Homo U.

AJ: We're going to try a little exercise.
BRODY: I hope it's cardio, because I'm a little on the chubs side today.

AJ leaned in and whispered to me.

AJ: The fact that I didn't make a snobby comment--
ME: So much growth.

We headed over the computer where we had set up a private e-mail account for Brody where people could leave their honest thoughts about him.

BRODY: Like an Honesty Box!
AJ: Sort of.
BRODY: Omg, I can't wait to hear what people wrote.

He probably should have waited.

BRODY: Ugly? Nasty?
AJ: That one says 'He makes my skin crawl.'
ME: Obnoxious voice. Awful voice.
AJ: Voice like a dying cat.
BRODY: Are they talking about my speaking voice or when I sing?
ME: You sing?
BRODY: Yeah in the shower.
ME: Then who would--never mind.

By the time we were done reading all the entries, Brody was devastated.

BRODY: Everyone hates me.
AJ: Sort of.
BRODY: Why do you keep saying 'sort of?'
AJ: Because none of those comments were real. Kevin and I just posted them there earlier today.
BRODY: But why--
ME: We wanted you to know what it feels like to have negativity put out into the world against you. Think about how all those comments made you feel, Brody.
AJ: That's what you do to other people when you start drama.
BRODY: Wow, I feel like I just had a revelation.

AJ looked at me with pride in his eyes.

BRODY: So wait, does that mean you guys hate me?

AJ's look turned to one of frustation.

Ah, the master really has become the teacher.

Thou Shalt Know When to Ask for Help

Things were starting to unravel.

Byron was still in the closet when it came to the other boys. Boone might be in the closet. Bowie thought Brody was straight. And Brad was enjoying it all far too much.

BRAD: Looks like your weekly hand-holding session isn't going so well, is it?

It had gotten so bad I'd resorted to liquor to get the guys to come together.

Instead, there was nearly a drunken brawl.

BYRON: You're such a catty little jerk!
BOWIE: Hey! You're straight. You don't get to call me catty.
BRODY: Fine! I'll call you catty!
BOWIE: You don't get to either!
BRODY: Why not?
BOONE: Why don't you all shut up? Geez, I just got my hair styled today and your yelling is making it fall apart!

Everyone turned and looked at Boone.

BOONE: What?

It was time to call in the reserves.

BOWIE: This stupid school isn't even working. None of us are getting any better at whatever it is we were trying to get better at!
BRODY: I'm still a drama queen.
BYRON: I'm still...mostly...into politics.
BOONE: I actually think I'm more homophobic than I used to be.

Here come the troops.

ME: Hey guys, I invited some friends that might help instill a little more confidence in me.
BRODY: Friends?
ME: Maybe the better term is...
VOICE: Hey Kev!
ME: ...Alumni.

The boys turned around to see Aaron, Anthony, AJ, and Alicia.

My old students.

AJ: So are these the new bitches that need straightening out?

I feel better already.

Thou Shalt Keep an Imaginary Secret

I decided to have lunch with Bowie to try and figure out who he thought was gay (Boone or Byron) and let him know that he needed to keep it a secret...whoever it was.

BOWIE: I don't know.
ME: What?
BOWIE: I said I don't know.
ME: Don't know what?
BOWIE: Who the gay one is!
ME: I'm confused.

This isn't unusual.

ME: Brad and I hung out the other night and he told me that there's a closet case in our little group.

Leave it to Brad to make sure he doesn't lose the bet we have going. If I fail to rehabilitate the boys, then Brad gets a nice pile of my money.

BOWIE: So who is it? Boone or Byron?

Two can play this game.

ME: It's Brody.
BOWIE: What?!?!
ME: Okay, that didn't need exclamation points AND question marks.
BOWIE: But Brody is--
ME: Straight.
BOWIE: Straight?
ME: Yup.
BOWIE: Then why does he say he's gay?
ME: He's struggling with his sexuality. I'm trying to help him with that.
BOWIE: So you're trying to help him come to terms with the fact that he's straight?
ME: Exactly.
BOWIE: That's insane.
ME: I'm trying not to judge him, Bowie. You shouldn't either.

I could tell Bowie wasn't sure whether to believe me or not, so I sealed the deal by leaning in close and whispering.

ME: You cannot tell ANYONE about this, okay? Brody trusts me.
BOWIE: Okay, okay. I'll keep it to myself. Nobody would believe me anyway.

You can say that again.

BOWIE: Wait a minute, does this mean I'm the ONLY gay guy you're helping right now.

Wow, I didn't even think about that.

ME: See? Don't you feel special?

He smiled, and that was when I knew I had him.

Thou Shalt Make the Video

I talked the guys into making a video for the "It Gets Better" project, but Boone, being the heterosexual of the group, was put in charge of operating the camera.

Thinking about Boone's potentially being in the closet was preventing me from worrying about the fact that Byron was still VERY much in the closet when it came to the guys.

ME: Why don't you want to tell them.
BYRON: Because I'm not ready to dive into the gay life yet, Kevin.
ME: It's not like moving to England, Byron. You don't have to learn a new language.
BYRON: Um...
ME: Oh God, I'm turning stupid.
BYRON: What's wrong with you?
ME: I have some stuff on my mind.

Brody wasn't helping.

BRODY: Can't we do this next week after I get my haircut?
ME: Brody, you don't need to look good for this.
BRODY: You ALWAYS need to look good!
ME: This is supposed to be you speaking from the heart.
BRODY: Why can't I speak from the heart with good hair?
ME: Brody--
BRODY: It's a lot easier for me to inspire others when I look inspiring.
ME: This video isn't a way for you to get people to tell you how cute you are. It's a way to help others selflessly.
BOONE: K-Broc, do you still want to borrow my shirt that makes you look like you have muscle?
ME: Yes, please!

Brody shot me a look.

ME: Hey, I'm not wearing it on-camera!

Things weren't going much better with Bowie.

BOWIE: I finished my video at home and uploaded it.
ME: Wow, good for you Bowie.
BOWIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are bigger issues to discuss.
ME: Like what?
BOWIE: Like the fact that we've got a close case in our midst.

Cue dramatic music.

ME: Huh?
BOWIE: Don't play dumb with me. You've been withholding information.
ME: Bowie, that's not--
BOWIE: Look, I did my good deed for the day, which means I'm allowed a little bit of gossip. You can't just pull the cigarette out of my mouth, Broccoli. I'm going to need weaning.
ME: This conversation is over.
BOWIE: Fine, but that means I'm right.
ME: You're not right.
BOWIE: You don't even know who I'm talking about.
ME: Who else would you be--

Damn! Wait a second, he might mean Byron or Boone.

This was bad.

BOWIE: So I'm right, aren't I?

Cut.

Thou Shalt Take Up Thy Lasers

Boone showed up at my door.

BOONE: Hey brojangles!
ME: Boone?
BOONE: Yeah?
ME: What are you doing here?
BOONE: I wanted to hang out.
ME: But there's no lesson scheduled today.
BOONE: So we can't hang out unless there's a lesson?
ME: Um, no, I didn't mean that. I just--
BOONE: Great! Throw some shoes on, and I'll pull the car around.

Uh...huh?

We pulled up in front of what looked like an arcade.

ME: Boone, I'm not a big fan of arcades. It's gambling without the promise of winnings.
BOONE: We're not going to the arcade.
ME: But what--
BOONE: We're going to laser tag!

Oh f**k me.

I'm about as good at laser tag as the Venus de Milo is at mini-golf.

We met a few of Boone's friend, and split up into two teams.

BOONE: My team is Team Destructor. What's your team name?
ME: The New Mickey Mouse Club?
BOONE: Sounds terrifying. Let's do this.

Boone's Team Destructor took out two of my guys immediately, but that's when my competitive spirit kicked in, and Team MMC wiped out everybody but Boone, who took to hiding in the back corner where it was rumored he went crazy and watched 'The Last Tango in Paris' on a loop.

...Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration.

When we were done, Boone and I shook hands.

BOONE: You're a killer, K-Broc.
ME: You should see me play Monopoly.
BOONE: What?
ME: Never mind.
BOONE: You want to grab dinner?
ME: I would, but I'm having dinner with Brad.
BOONE: Oh...okay...well, it was nice seeing you.
ME: Yeah, I'll see you at the next group session.
BOONE: Yup. Later.

It might have been just me, but he seemed...really sad.

BRAD: Oh my God, you snagged a gay.
ME: What are you talking about? Boone isn't gay. He's the token straight guy.
BRAD: All the signs are there.
ME: What signs?
BRAD: He likes laser tag.
ME: All gays like laser tag?
BRAD: Except me. I wouldn't be caught dead there.
ME: You picked Boone to be one of my students! If he's gay, you should have known.
BRAD: I've been fooled before. You should see me in Utah. I'm like a blind man in the forest.

If Boone is gay...

...I'm going to need a new lesson plan.