The New Rules for Boys

Thou Shalt Set It Straight

2010-12-08T23:36:00.000-08:00

After failing to keep Byron from falling victim to Brad's House of Horrors, I knew I had to find my most vulnerable student.

ME: Boone!
BOONE: Hey Kev, want in on the game?

I found Boone in the basement playing strip poker with a bunch of drunken homos. He was down to his boxers, and his hand didn't look promising, so I pulled him from the game.

RANDOM HOMO: Hey! We're not done!
ME: If you get anymore done, I doubt you'll be able to stand up.
RANDOM HOMO #2: Way to ruin the fun.
ME: This is my friend, Boone. And he's straight.

They all looked at each other and laughed.

RANDOM HOMO #3: You are aware he initiated the game, right?
ME: You're aware that one of your nipples is way farther to the left than it should be, right?
RANDOM HOMO #3: My mom says it means I can tell the future.
ME: Excellent. Tell me which of my fists is going to knock you out if you follow us up the stairs.

Once we were back in the kitchen, I laid down the law.

ME: Boone, are you gay?
BOONE: Excuse me?
ME: You heard me.
BOONE: Why are you--
ME: Because you send mixed signals. Because you dance around the issue. Because I just found you nearly naked with three gay guys who were all ready to jump you.
BOONE: I could have handled them.
ME: Oh, I know that. I just don't see what you get out of leading them on. Either you're gay or you really want attention. One of those will get you sympathy from me. The other just gets you a kick in the head.

Boone put his shirt on.

BOONE: What I am is my business.
ME: That's usually what gay guys say when they're in the closet.
BOONE: I don't have to explain myself to you.
ME: No, you don't, but you need to get yourself straight--and I'm not using a pun there.
BOONE: Noted.
ME: Sexuality is not something you keep vague, because it is nothing you can change. It is not a flexible issue. I don't care if you're gay, bi, straight, or omnisexual.
BOONE: Sex with everything?
ME: Just figure out what you are so you don't lead anybody else on.

That's when I started to walk away.

BOONE: Hey Kev!

I turned around.

BOONE: You want an answer? I'll give you an answer.

Leave it to him to kill a dramatic exit.

BOONE: You just have to beat me in a game of poker.

I was really hoping he'd say Monopoly.

Thou Shalt Not Sleep in the Closet

2010-12-08T23:14:00.000-08:00

I had a feeling it wouldn't be long before I found Byron in this position.

BYRON: God, Kevin! Close the door!

You thought I was speaking metaphorically?

He was upstairs in one of the guest rooms (Yes, there were several. It was a regular John Hughes movie in that house) making out with some guy on a bed.

ME: Sorry! I just wanted to make sure you were--

That's when Random Guy piped up.

RANDOM GUY: Dude, did you see a blonde girl with a red shirt on downstairs?
ME: I don't think so. Why?
RANDOM GUY: Because that would be my girlfriend.
ME: Ahhh...in that case, I saw her walking up the stairs and--

That was all it took to have him out of the bed and out the door.

BYRON: Are you serious?
ME: Am I serious? What about you?
BYRON: Kevin, I was getting--
ME: Confused? I hope you were about to say confused.
BYRON: I liked that guy!
ME: You don't even know that guy!

Byron got off the bed, but I slammed the door before he could get to it.

ME: You are aware that a guy just out of the closet sleeping with another guy in the closet is like a recovering alcoholic hanging out with a bartender, right?
BYRON: He was hot.
ME: You know what? I'd be willing to write it off as shallowness and let that be that, but that guy wasn't even hot. He wasn't even cute. He wasn't even decent. He was just close enough to what you used to be, and so you went running for him.
BYRON: That's not true.
ME: Byron, there's nothing hot about someone who hates who they are.
BYRON: Wow, good to know you think I'm so ugly.

With that, he was out the door.

This time, I didn't bother stopping him.

I knew somewhere in that conversation, I'd crossed a line.

Thou Shalt Not Be That Guy Dancing on the Coffee Table

2010-12-07T23:13:00.000-08:00

I managed to escape from Brad's guest room using a safety pin and some loose string.

...Or some nice girl named Candy let me out.

(You decide, but keep in mind, one's a bit more exciting than the other.)

I found Brody downstairs in the living room, where what appeared to be a "Let's See Who Can Pass Out First" contest was going on.

Brody seemed to be winning.

ME: Brody...
BRODY: Hey Kev, awesome party, huh?
ME: Yeah, it's too bad you won't remember any of it.
BRODY: Don't be cray-cray. I'm totally under control.

That was when Brad appeared out of the crowd, like Scar from the pack of hyenas.

BRAD: Since all of you are clearly wasted beyond recognition, I think it's time for a little dance contest!

Out of nowhere, music started blaring, and somebody cleared off the coffee table.

BRODY: Oh sweet!

I grabbed Brody by the shoulders.

ME: Brody, listen to me. You do not want to be the guy dancing on the coffee table.
BRODY: Um, that's actually what I wanted to be when I grew up.

Now people where chanting--Brody, Brody, Brody.

Obviously Brad was trying to derail my progress.

BRODY: Kev, they're calling my name!
ME: Of course they are, Brody, because they don't have to live with you. You do. All they want is a mess to laugh at, but they have no intention of cleaning that mess up when the fun's over. Don't be the mess, Brody. Let somebody else do it.

I could see that he really wanted to just take off his shirt, and let loose, and normally there's nothing wrong with that every once in awhile, but for Brody, it would be like taking a quick drink after being on the wagon for a year.

Luckily--

BRODY: I'm going to go outside and get some air.

--He wanted to stay on the wagon.

ME: Good call.

I managed to rescue one of my students, but the others were still somewhere at the party.

I needed to get Brad out of my hair if I was going to have any hope of saving them all.

That's why I started chanting.

ME: Brad, Brad, Brad--

Brad looked at me with hate-filled eyes, but he never could turn down a chanting mob.

He was shirtless and on the coffee table in under a minute.

And a minute was all the time I needed.

Thou Shalt Not Party With Thy Enemy

2010-12-06T01:42:00.000-08:00

To celebrate the week with my old students, I took them to a party at Brad's house.

AJ: Awww, I miss Brad.
ME: He bet that you would remain a promiscuous brat forever.
AARON: You can't really blame him.

When we got there, I was more than a little surprised to see my new students mingling with the other guests.

ANTHONY: Is this Brad trying to sabotage you?
ME: Are you surprised?
ALICIA: Don't worry. We'll be on the look-out.
ME: Thanks. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't showed up this week.

Everybody seemed to be having a good time, so I let my guard down.

Big mistake.

Somehow I wound up in a guest bedroom talking with some girl from Bolivia.

ME: So how turbulent is your political system?
BOLIVIA GIRL: Pancake?
ME: You know the sad thing is that Brown probably accepted you as soon as they found out you were from a different hemisphere.

That was when the girl giggled and ran out of the room.

As soon as she was out, the door shut behind her.

I went up to try and open it, but it was a no go.

I knew who was responsible for this.

ME: Brad, open the door.
VOICE OF BRAD: No can do, Kevin. I told you. I'm not losing two bets in a row.
ME: What are you going to do? Lock me in here all night?

Silence.

VOICE OF BRAD: You'll notice some trail mix underneath the bed.
ME: Brad--
VOICE OF BRAD: And bottled water.
ME: This isn't funny.
VOICE OF BRAD: Plus, there's that guest bathroom. So you should be covered until tomorrow morning.
ME: Brad, what are you planning on doing?
VOICE OF BRAD: Goodnight, Kevin.

Then I heard him walk away--laughing.

It was going to be a long night.

Thou Shalt Try It Out

2010-12-05T23:40:00.000-08:00

Anthony had a great idea for a lesson with Bowie.

ANTHONY: You need to learn to be happy for others.
BOWIE: I'm always happy for other people. It just sucks that nothing good ever happens to me, and that it only happens for stupid people. Wait, something's wrong with what I just said, isn't there?
ME: Well, it wasn't exactly a Hallmark card.

We took Bowie to the one place where it's hardest to be happy for other people.

An audition.

BOWIE: This is amazing. I love taking things from people. Roles, boyfriends--
ANTHONY: You're going to tank it.
BOWIE: Huh?
ANTHONY: The audition. You're going to take a dive.
BOWIE: Why would I do that?
ANTHONY: Because it's a selfless action.
BOWIE: It's insanity!
ANTHONY: You learn through actions, Bowie.
BOWIE: You taught this moron?
ME: Actually, I wouldn't really be able to do this lesson...per se.

The teacher doesn't take a dive...ever.

That being said, for Bowie, it might be a good idea.

We brought Bowie to a local community theater to audition for their upcoming play.

When it was his turn to read, Bowie went up and stumbled over every word. He read stage directions out loud. He even sneezed on a fellow actor.

ANTHONY: Wow.
ME: He's a natural. You know, at being awful.

Afterwards, he was incensed.

BOWIE: I'm not happy for anybody that gets in that play.
ANTHONY: It actually wasn't a lesson about that. We just thought you wouldn't do it if you knew what the lesson was actually about.
BOWIE: Uh--which was?
ANTHONY: Humility.
BOWIE: I'm going to kill you both.

That was when his phone rang.

ME: Everything okay?
BOWIE: Actually--yes.

Bowie got the lead.

So much for that lesson.

Thou Shalt Reject Thy Fawners

2010-12-04T13:01:00.000-08:00

Alicia offered to help me with Boone, since he's the straight guy of the pack.

What she didn't know was that I was planning on having her help me figure out just how straight Boone is.

ALICIA: I'm so excited! I even made a lesson plan.
ME: Alicia, we're just going out for drinks with him.
ALICIA: Oh shoot! I forgot to put that in the plan.

Boone met us at a bar downtown, where Alicia revealed today's commandment.

ALICIA: You've got to stop only hanging around with women who want to sleep with you.
BOONE: That kind of limits my options to...hanging out with guys...straight guys...straight blind guys.
ME: Boone, if the only people around you want something from you, you're not experiencing real relationships.
BOONE: So how do we solve this?
ALICIA: We're taking you off the market for the night.

That's when Alicia slipped a fake wedding band on her finger--and Boone's.

BOONE: I think I can feel my finger burning.

While Alicia was hoping that Boone learned what life is like when women know you're off the table I was hoping Boone might set off Alicia's alarms.

Say what you want about the girl, but lately her gaydar has been on-point.

Two weeks ago...

ALICIA: That guy who just drove by us is gay.
ME: Um, I know him, Alicia.
ALICA: And?
ME: Well, he's--how did you know that?
ALICIA: After you date seventeen gay men, you learn a few things.

That night, Alicia and Boone made their way around the bar as a happy couple. For the first time, Boone found that he wasn't beating women away with a stick. Only a few stuck around to talk, meaning they might actually enjoy Boone's personality.

BOONE: Apparently, I'm not as rocking as I think I am.
ALICIA: Yes, you are. There are just an awful lot of people out there who are only looking for a quick fling.
ME: We're the ADD generation, Boone. It's not always pretty.
BOONE: Wait, you think we're in the same generation? Hahaha...

Ouch.

When Boone went to the bathroom, I took the opportunity to question Alicia.

ME: Sooo?
ALICIA: So what?
ME: What do you think of Boone?
ALICIA: He seems nice.
ME: Anything...funny about him?
ALICIA: No, not at all.

Phew.

ALICIA: Except that he's in the closet.

Uh oh...

Thou Shalt Hold My Hand

2010-12-02T11:50:00.000-08:00

Aaron was the perfect choice to help me with Byron.

His coming out process hadn't gone as smoothly as I would have liked. The main problem was his resistance to accepting who he was.

Luckily, that was something my former student experienced as well.

AARON: We're going to hold hands.
BYRON: Excuse me?
ME: Hands, Byron. You're going to hold hands.
BYRON: But I just met this guy.
AARON: Are they all this dense?
ME: Oh yeah, and your class was a regular TED conference.

Aaron took Byron's hand, and started walking.

BYRON: Whoa, wait a minute. Where are we going?
AARON: We're going to take a walk downtown.
BYRON: I'm not holding your hand while we--

I thought he was going to put up a fight.

That's why I brought the handcuffs.

BYRON: I hope you have keys for these.
ME: Brad does.
BRYON: I'm screwed.

I let Aaron do the talking.

AARON: You need to realize that you, luckily, live in a fairly tolerant state where it's okay for you to be who you are.
BYRON: Oh really? Is that why you and I can't get married?
AARON: Nothing gets better with fear. Things only get better with courage.
BYRON: Fine, but why do I have to be the courageous one?
AARON: Some men are born great and some have greatness thrust upon them.
BYRON: Can't I just have money thrust upon me?

I could see this was going to have to be a team effort, so I took Byron's other hand.

ME: Let's do this.
BYRON: Great. Now it looks even gayer.

We went for a walk around town. I'd love to say we caused a big commotion, but I think most people just thought we were RISD kids doing a piece of performance art.

By the time we made it back to Aaron's place, Byron was laughing and having a great time. He didn't even realize he was still handcuffed.

And I didn't realize that Brad was in Atlanta.

But I decided to wait until we got inside to let him know just how successful our bonding experience was going to be.

Thou Shalt Box Up Thy Honesty

2010-12-02T00:12:00.000-08:00

My old student AJ was in charge of helping me with Brody, the drama queen.

It seemed fitting since drama used to be AJ's major at Homo U.

AJ: We're going to try a little exercise.
BRODY: I hope it's cardio, because I'm a little on the chubs side today.

AJ leaned in and whispered to me.

AJ: The fact that I didn't make a snobby comment--
ME: So much growth.

We headed over the computer where we had set up a private e-mail account for Brody where people could leave their honest thoughts about him.

BRODY: Like an Honesty Box!
AJ: Sort of.
BRODY: Omg, I can't wait to hear what people wrote.

He probably should have waited.

BRODY: Ugly? Nasty?
AJ: That one says 'He makes my skin crawl.'
ME: Obnoxious voice. Awful voice.
AJ: Voice like a dying cat.
BRODY: Are they talking about my speaking voice or when I sing?
ME: You sing?
BRODY: Yeah in the shower.
ME: Then who would--never mind.

By the time we were done reading all the entries, Brody was devastated.

BRODY: Everyone hates me.
AJ: Sort of.
BRODY: Why do you keep saying 'sort of?'
AJ: Because none of those comments were real. Kevin and I just posted them there earlier today.
BRODY: But why--
ME: We wanted you to know what it feels like to have negativity put out into the world against you. Think about how all those comments made you feel, Brody.
AJ: That's what you do to other people when you start drama.
BRODY: Wow, I feel like I just had a revelation.

AJ looked at me with pride in his eyes.

BRODY: So wait, does that mean you guys hate me?

AJ's look turned to one of frustation.

Ah, the master really has become the teacher.

Thou Shalt Know When to Ask for Help

2010-10-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

Things were starting to unravel.

Byron was still in the closet when it came to the other boys. Boone might be in the closet. Bowie thought Brody was straight. And Brad was enjoying it all far too much.

BRAD: Looks like your weekly hand-holding session isn't going so well, is it?

It had gotten so bad I'd resorted to liquor to get the guys to come together.

Instead, there was nearly a drunken brawl.

BYRON: You're such a catty little jerk!
BOWIE: Hey! You're straight. You don't get to call me catty.
BRODY: Fine! I'll call you catty!
BOWIE: You don't get to either!
BRODY: Why not?
BOONE: Why don't you all shut up? Geez, I just got my hair styled today and your yelling is making it fall apart!

Everyone turned and looked at Boone.

BOONE: What?

It was time to call in the reserves.

BOWIE: This stupid school isn't even working. None of us are getting any better at whatever it is we were trying to get better at!
BRODY: I'm still a drama queen.
BYRON: I'm still...mostly...into politics.
BOONE: I actually think I'm more homophobic than I used to be.

Here come the troops.

ME: Hey guys, I invited some friends that might help instill a little more confidence in me.
BRODY: Friends?
ME: Maybe the better term is...
VOICE: Hey Kev!
ME: ...Alumni.

The boys turned around to see Aaron, Anthony, AJ, and Alicia.

My old students.

AJ: So are these the new bitches that need straightening out?

I feel better already.

Thou Shalt Keep an Imaginary Secret

2010-10-04T16:15:00.000-07:00

I decided to have lunch with Bowie to try and figure out who he thought was gay (Boone or Byron) and let him know that he needed to keep it a secret...whoever it was.

BOWIE: I don't know.
ME: What?
BOWIE: I said I don't know.
ME: Don't know what?
BOWIE: Who the gay one is!
ME: I'm confused.

This isn't unusual.

ME: Brad and I hung out the other night and he told me that there's a closet case in our little group.

Leave it to Brad to make sure he doesn't lose the bet we have going. If I fail to rehabilitate the boys, then Brad gets a nice pile of my money.

BOWIE: So who is it? Boone or Byron?

Two can play this game.

ME: It's Brody.
BOWIE: What?!?!
ME: Okay, that didn't need exclamation points AND question marks.
BOWIE: But Brody is--
ME: Straight.
BOWIE: Straight?
ME: Yup.
BOWIE: Then why does he say he's gay?
ME: He's struggling with his sexuality. I'm trying to help him with that.
BOWIE: So you're trying to help him come to terms with the fact that he's straight?
ME: Exactly.
BOWIE: That's insane.
ME: I'm trying not to judge him, Bowie. You shouldn't either.

I could tell Bowie wasn't sure whether to believe me or not, so I sealed the deal by leaning in close and whispering.

ME: You cannot tell ANYONE about this, okay? Brody trusts me.
BOWIE: Okay, okay. I'll keep it to myself. Nobody would believe me anyway.

You can say that again.

BOWIE: Wait a minute, does this mean I'm the ONLY gay guy you're helping right now.

Wow, I didn't even think about that.

ME: See? Don't you feel special?

He smiled, and that was when I knew I had him.

Thou Shalt Make the Video

2010-10-04T01:31:00.000-07:00

I talked the guys into making a video for the "It Gets Better" project, but Boone, being the heterosexual of the group, was put in charge of operating the camera.

Thinking about Boone's potentially being in the closet was preventing me from worrying about the fact that Byron was still VERY much in the closet when it came to the guys.

ME: Why don't you want to tell them.
BYRON: Because I'm not ready to dive into the gay life yet, Kevin.
ME: It's not like moving to England, Byron. You don't have to learn a new language.
BYRON: Um...
ME: Oh God, I'm turning stupid.
BYRON: What's wrong with you?
ME: I have some stuff on my mind.

Brody wasn't helping.

BRODY: Can't we do this next week after I get my haircut?
ME: Brody, you don't need to look good for this.
BRODY: You ALWAYS need to look good!
ME: This is supposed to be you speaking from the heart.
BRODY: Why can't I speak from the heart with good hair?
ME: Brody--
BRODY: It's a lot easier for me to inspire others when I look inspiring.
ME: This video isn't a way for you to get people to tell you how cute you are. It's a way to help others selflessly.
BOONE: K-Broc, do you still want to borrow my shirt that makes you look like you have muscle?
ME: Yes, please!

Brody shot me a look.

ME: Hey, I'm not wearing it on-camera!

Things weren't going much better with Bowie.

BOWIE: I finished my video at home and uploaded it.
ME: Wow, good for you Bowie.
BOWIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are bigger issues to discuss.
ME: Like what?
BOWIE: Like the fact that we've got a close case in our midst.

Cue dramatic music.

ME: Huh?
BOWIE: Don't play dumb with me. You've been withholding information.
ME: Bowie, that's not--
BOWIE: Look, I did my good deed for the day, which means I'm allowed a little bit of gossip. You can't just pull the cigarette out of my mouth, Broccoli. I'm going to need weaning.
ME: This conversation is over.
BOWIE: Fine, but that means I'm right.
ME: You're not right.
BOWIE: You don't even know who I'm talking about.
ME: Who else would you be--

Damn! Wait a second, he might mean Byron or Boone.

This was bad.

BOWIE: So I'm right, aren't I?

Cut.

Thou Shalt Take Up Thy Lasers

2010-10-01T13:58:00.000-07:00

Boone showed up at my door.

BOONE: Hey brojangles!
ME: Boone?
BOONE: Yeah?
ME: What are you doing here?
BOONE: I wanted to hang out.
ME: But there's no lesson scheduled today.
BOONE: So we can't hang out unless there's a lesson?
ME: Um, no, I didn't mean that. I just--
BOONE: Great! Throw some shoes on, and I'll pull the car around.

Uh...huh?

We pulled up in front of what looked like an arcade.

ME: Boone, I'm not a big fan of arcades. It's gambling without the promise of winnings.
BOONE: We're not going to the arcade.
ME: But what--
BOONE: We're going to laser tag!

Oh f**k me.

I'm about as good at laser tag as the Venus de Milo is at mini-golf.

We met a few of Boone's friend, and split up into two teams.

BOONE: My team is Team Destructor. What's your team name?
ME: The New Mickey Mouse Club?
BOONE: Sounds terrifying. Let's do this.

Boone's Team Destructor took out two of my guys immediately, but that's when my competitive spirit kicked in, and Team MMC wiped out everybody but Boone, who took to hiding in the back corner where it was rumored he went crazy and watched 'The Last Tango in Paris' on a loop.

...Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration.

When we were done, Boone and I shook hands.

BOONE: You're a killer, K-Broc.
ME: You should see me play Monopoly.
BOONE: What?
ME: Never mind.
BOONE: You want to grab dinner?
ME: I would, but I'm having dinner with Brad.
BOONE: Oh...okay...well, it was nice seeing you.
ME: Yeah, I'll see you at the next group session.
BOONE: Yup. Later.

It might have been just me, but he seemed...really sad.

BRAD: Oh my God, you snagged a gay.
ME: What are you talking about? Boone isn't gay. He's the token straight guy.
BRAD: All the signs are there.
ME: What signs?
BRAD: He likes laser tag.
ME: All gays like laser tag?
BRAD: Except me. I wouldn't be caught dead there.
ME: You picked Boone to be one of my students! If he's gay, you should have known.
BRAD: I've been fooled before. You should see me in Utah. I'm like a blind man in the forest.

If Boone is gay...

...I'm going to need a new lesson plan.

Thou Shalt Circle Thy Calendar

2010-09-24T00:35:00.000-07:00

Byron needed a little bit of hope.

BYRON: I did it. I came out to my family.
ME: And?
BYRON: And I need a place to sleep tonight.

We finally reached the big moment, and unfortunately, it wasn't one of those inspirational stories where everything turns out fine.

So, we wet Byron up with a place for the night, and then I offered some advice.

ME: Do you have a calendar on your phone?
BYRON: Yeah.
ME: Mark March 23rd.
BYRON: As what?
ME: The day this will all be okay.
BYRON: How do you know it'll be okay by then.
ME: Most things in life that aren't terminal illnesses, divorce, or bankruptcy tend to be fine after six months. Even this, for as life-shattering and confusing as it is, will be manageable in six months.

Byron looked down at his phone.

I could tell he didn't believe me.

BYRON: It sucks so much.
ME: Six months, Byron. I'm only asking for six months.

He looked up at me.

BYRON: Yeah, but are you even going to be here in six months?
ME: Where else would I be?

I put my hand over his.

Five months and thirty days left...

But who's counting?

Thou Shalt Listen to Miss Turner

2010-09-22T23:44:00.000-07:00

Brody needed to learn a way to channel his dramatic nature.

I figured out just the channel.

BRODY: Tina?
ME: Tina.

Miss Turner, if you're nasty.

When I want to let out a little theatrical steam, I put on the Queen of Rock 'N Roll (Sorry, Aretha, only one of you can still move) and I rock out.

BRODY: I never really listen to her.
ME: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Now, most people would put on the old favorite--Proud Mary.

Me? I like to be a little more avante garde.

BRODY: Typical Male?
ME: It's so perfectly 80's. It could have been on the Cocktail soundtrack.
BRODY: And I just listen?
ME: Of course you don't just listen. You walk around.
BRODY: And do what? Lip synch?
ME: No, just walk. Walk and feel the attitude come in, and the bitch go out. It's a fine line, Brody.
BRODY: All right, hit play.

As soon as the song started, I knew he had it.

BRODY: This feels really good.
ME: Of course it does, you're summoning an icon.
BRODY: I feel like I'm on a runway.
ME: A beaten-but-never-broken runway?
BRODY: No, just a runway.
ME: Okay.

After "Typical Male," we did a little "Nutbush City Limits" followed up with "A Fool in Love."

BRODY: That was amazing.
ME: Do that once a week, and you'll be a new man.
BRODY: And no more lessons?
ME: No, we'll still have lessons. But your IPOD will be much more respectable. Nice try though.
BRODY: Can we listen to "Private Dancer" now?
ME: Um...of course!

Ah, Miss Tina.

She's good for the soul.

Thou Shalt State Thy Trust

2010-09-21T23:44:00.000-07:00

It was the first time I had all the boys together since the Ryan Tanner incident.

I decided to play a trust game with them.

BOONE: Why do we have to do this?
ME: Because I think we need to figure out where we all stand as far as trust goes.
BOWIE: I hate everybody.
ME: We've established that, but I'm talking about trust.
BYRON: So what do we do?
ME: We look at each other and say either 'I trust you' or 'I don't trust you.'

Silence.

BRODY: I think I saw that on Dr. Phil.

More silence.

BRODY: I think it ended with blood.

Despite the protestations, I got everybody in a circle.

ME: Okay, I'll start. I trust all of you.
BOWIE: Bull.
ME: I do!
BOWIE: You have to say that.
ME: Fine, Bowie. You go.
BOWIE: I told you. I don't like any of you.
ME: But what about trust?
BOWIE: Same thing.
ME: You're not serious.
BOWIE: Totally.

Okay, that stung.

ME: Boone, your turn.
BOONE: Um, I trust you.

Okay, that's one.

BOONE: I trust Brody, I guess.
BRODY: Wow, thanks.
BOONE: And I don't really trust the other two.
BOWIE: Shocker.
BYRON: Wait, why?
ME: Byron--
BYRON: No, why do you not trust me?
BOONE: I just don't.
BYRON: Well, I don't trust you either!
ME: Don't let what he said--
BOONE: Fine! Don't trust me.

Brody raised his hand.

BRODY: I trust everyone but Bowie!
BOWIE: This is why I don't trust anyone!
BRODY: You said you don't trust me!
BOWIE: Because I know you don't trust me!
BYRON: I trust everyone but Boone.
BOWIE: Why do you trust me? You're an idiot.
BYRON: Hey!

Pretty soon everyone was shouting and the circle was on the verge of becoming a wrestling ring.

ME: HEY!

Everyone looked at me.

ME: Is there any chance you guys can act civil for just five minutes?

Silence.

BRODY: HOW CAN YOU--
BYRON: YOU'RE SUCH A--
BOONE: I CAN'T STAND THE--
BOWIE: --HATE YOU ALL!

They made it ten seconds.

Thou Shalt Show a Softer Side

2010-09-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

Dealing with Bowie is a little bit like dealing with a political crisis.

Luckily, I'm a veritable gay C.J. Cregg.

ME: I want to do a photoshoot with you.
BOWIE: No way. I'm still paying blackmail for the last time.
ME: Not that kind of--are these photos still in existence?
BOWIE: Ha ha. Give me the deets.

Facebook is a beautiful personal promotional tool. I thought if I took some photos of Bowie looking kinder and more relaxed, people might start changing their opinion of him.

BOWIE: Do I seriously have to hold this puppy?
ME: People love puppies.
BOWIE: People love chocolate too. Can't I hold a Nestles Crunch?
ME: Just try to look happy and easy-going?
BOWIE: The puppy is shedding. This is a new shirt.
ME: Then go put on another shirt.
BOWIE: You said you wanted me to look relaxed. This is my relaxed shirt.
ME: You don't look relaxed.
BOWIE: That's because this puppy feels like it's going to pee on MY BRAND NEW SHIRT!

I decided to try a different approach.

BOWIE: Where did you find a kitten?
ME: Don't ask. If a little girl comes by here crying, you don't know anything.
BOWIE: I'm allergic to cats.
ME: But you're not allergic to dogs?
BOWIE: No.
ME: That's weird.
BOWIE: Sorry, my allergies don't follow your laws of logic.

Then we tried Bowie in a fountain looking carefree and Italian.

BOWIE: I'm probably catching something by being in this fountain.
ME: Scoop up some pennies and throw them in the air!
BOWIE: Why?
ME: DON'T QUESTION THE PHOTOGRAPHER!

By the end of the day, we were exhausted, but I did manage to get some good shots.

ME: Bowie, I only have one photo in my hand. This photo will determine whether or not you're in the running to become America's Next Top--
BOWIE: Just show me the damn photo.

It was a photo of him holding the kitten away from himself while sneezing eight times in a row.

BOWIE: I look ridiculous.
ME: It'll help your intimidation factor.
BOWIE: Or at least get me laughed at.
ME: Same thing.

I might have another career on my hands.

Thou Shalt Put on the Pounds

2010-09-20T16:22:00.000-07:00

I'm at a severe disadvantage with Boone.

He's attractive.

BOONE: Yee-uh.

It's hard to make someone see the error of their ways if the rest of the world is content to keep helping them err.

So, I decided to do a little social experiment.

BOONE: You want me to wear a fat suit?
ME: I want you to see the world through different eyes.
BOONE: You mean Oliver Platt's eyes?
ME: Put on the suit. We're going out.
BOONE: To where? The Wing Nut Buffet?
ME: Not even close.

I took Boone to a house party at a school where he doesn't know anyone.

Boone thought maybe his charm would help him win some ladies over even with a much larger...persona.

Not so much.

BOONE: Hey, do you like--
RANDOM GIRL: I'd like it if you could move out of my way. Thanks.

He was shocked.

BOONE: That girl was a four and a half, a five tops! She should be happy I even glanced at her!
ME: Looks like you're hovering around the three-mark, Boone.
BOONE: I will NEVER be a three! NEVER!

Unfortunately, a house full of drunken people disagreed.

Boone didn't any attention, and when he did, it came in the form of dirty looks.

BOONE: This sucks!
ME: Yee-uh, it does.
BOONE: But you know what? Now I realize something.
ME: That good lucks are fleeting so you have to develop other character traits?
BOONE: No, I realized that I actually hooked up with that first girl who rejected me and she was terrible! I'm going to take off this suit, go inside, and remind her what she used to beg for!

Admittedly, some nuts are a bit harder to crack.

At least I got photos of him in the suit.

Thou Shalt Recognize Thy Desires

2010-09-18T22:35:00.002-07:00

Byron was not pleased that I cut off his benefits.

BYRON: Who do you think you are?

I get that a lot.

The fact is, Rich Tanner and Byron having a fling wasn't going to do anybody any good.

Like a lot of men in the closet, Byron likes to fool around with guys and then act like he's your typical heterosexual. The guys he does this with don't mind because it absolves them of having to call the next day.

It's a win-win unless you count how psychologically f**ked up it all is.

BYRON: You had no right to scare off Rich.
ME: You mean when I scared him back into the arms of his boyfriend?
BYRON: So now you're judging me?
ME: I'm judging your actions.
BYRON: What does that mean?
ME: It's just another way of saying I'm judging you.

I could see Byron was going through sexual detox. He was in need of physical interaction with a guy, and the stronger that need became while remaining unsatisfied, the harder it would be for him to pretend it wasn't real.

BYRON: I feel like my head is going to explode.
ME: That's personal growth.
BYRON: I want to hit you.
ME: That's also personal growth.
BYRON: What else is personal growth?
ME: Pretty much everything. That's why personal growth is so awesome.
BYRON: That tree?
ME: Personal growth.

We started talking more about what it is he wants.

BYRON: It's just hard, you know? Because I don't have a type. I don't know what sort of guy I'd be into. I know what sort of girl I'd like.
ME: What kind of girl is that?
BYRON: Funny, spontaneous, loves a good burger.
ME: There are funny, spontaneous guys who love burgers.
BYRON: I know, it's just...new.

I put my hand on his shoulder.

ME: New can be great.
BYRON: New is personal growth?
ME: Yup.
BYRON: And that bench over there?
ME: No, that's just a bench.

He laughed.

It's a start.

Thou Shalt Be a Mediator

2010-09-18T12:15:00.000-07:00

I decided to take the Rich Tanner situation into my own hands, and I brought Brody along with me so he could see how well I mediate.

Rich met us at the Brewhouse, and from the minute he sat down, I knew this was going to be--

RICH: Well, if it isn't the whore's life coach.

--Interesting.

BRODY: Kevin, maybe we shouldn't--
ME: It's fine. He's upset. Rich, you're upset. I can see that.
RICH: I'm not upset. Everyone in town knows your friend is a whore. I won.
BRODY: You know, people who live in glass brothels--
RICH: Excuse me?
ME: Civil! We're staying civil!

Clearly, Ryan was stung by the fact that his boyfriend was fooling around with Bowie on the side, but since he himself was fooling around with Byron--

God, this was getting confusing.

ME: Rich, quick question, how did you find out about Bowie and your boyfriend?

His eyebrow went up.

From this point on, in order for him to keep smearing Bowie, he'd have to admit that he'd done some smear-worthy stuff himself.

RICH: A source.
BRODY: A source? Who are you? Woodward or Bernstein?
RICH: A friend.
ME: A good friend or a great friend?
RICH: What's the difference?
ME: You see a lot more of one than the other.

The most important thing to remember when mediating? Let them know you mean business.

RICH: Maybe I acted a little too hasty.
ME: I'd say there's a good chance of that.
RICH: But I would still ask that you keep your little protege away from my boyfriend.
ME: And I would ask that you stop hanging around that 'friend' of yours.
BRODY: Why should he--
RICH: Or else what?
ME: Or else someone might just drop a house on you.

He smiled. We understood each other.

Then he got up and left.

BRODY: That was awesome. Can you teach me to do that?

Finally, a little respect.

Thou Shalt Keep It Confidential

2010-09-17T00:19:00.000-07:00

Bowie was mad.

BOWIE: I want to know who did it.

Understandably so.

ME: Bowie, you don't know--
BOWIE: Bullshit! I want to know who did it!

Still, it was my job to keep the peace.

The boys and I were at Boone's house. It was supposed to be movie night, but apparently, since our last movie night, Bowie experienced a bit of drama.

BOWIE: More than a bit. Someone told that idiot Rich Tanner that I text his boyfriend when I feel like making out.
ME: Is that not true?
BOWIE: Of course it's true! But the only people I told about it were all of you when we had to do that stupid Sharing Circle!

Okay, it's not stupid. They did it on Oprah once.

BOONE: I didn't say anything. I don't even know Rich Tanner.
BRODY: I can't stand him. We don't talk.
BYRON: I wouldn't even--you know--I'm straight, so...

That's when I knew who did it.

Byron mentioned to me that he was hooking up with some guy with a boyfriend.

It must be Rich Tanner.

BOWIE: Well, now after I apologized to Rich, I look like a total joke because he found out after the fact about me and his boyfriend!
BOONE: Maybe you shouldn't have been fooling around with his boyfriend to begin with?
BOWIE: Maybe you should suck your own dick.
BOONE: Would that be bad?
BRODY: So wait, what happened?
BOWIE: I got defriended AND blocked!
BRODY: Ouch.
BYRON: That's really...wow...

Bowie's eyebrow went up. He must have smelled the fear coming from Byron.

ME: Why don't we all pick a movie? Something comforting to calm us?
BOWIE: Why don't you go fuck yourself?
ME: Hey!
BOWIE: Because of your stupid circle, I'm even more hated now that I was before.
BRODY: Who hates you?
BOWIE: All of Rich's friends.
BOONE: You made your bed--
BOWIE: Fuck you, Boone.
BOONE: Fine. Leave then.
ME: Boone--
BOWIE: Don't have to tell me twice.

Bowie took off. I looked at Byron.

BYRON: I vote for The Sandlot.

. . . . .

BYRON: Anyone?

Something tells me movie nights are going to be a hard sell from now on.

Thou Shalt Apologize

2010-09-15T22:43:00.000-07:00

Since Bowie's biggest problem was going to be his reputation as a mean gay, I decided to work on him cleansing him of his cattiness.

ME: You're going to apologize to everyone you've ever been unkind to.
BOWIE: Should I do it now, or wait until I have a few free decades to kill?

I knew I was going to meet with resistance.

ME: How often do you apologize for...being you?
BOWIE: Never.
ME: Then now is the time to start.
BOWIE: Can't I just send flowers or something?
ME: Bowie, nothing will make people respect you more than an apology.
BOWIE: Or they'll think I'm in recovery.
ME: In a way, you are.

I sat him down at a computer and he began going through his Facebook friends list.

(Sidenote: Isn't it crazy that he's been mean to so many of the people on his FRIENDS list?)

BOWIE: Keep your enemies close.

He wasn't kidding about the time.

It took us over three hours to send out basic messages comprised only of "I'm sorry for..." (Fill in the blank.)

BOWIE: That was humiliating, exhausting, and terrifying.
ME: See? Change feels great!
BOWIE: You realize in one night you've single-handedly ruined a persona I've worked years to build.

I waited until he walked away with a look of disgust on his face before I patted myself on the back.

Thou Shalt Not Tease the Gays

2010-09-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

One thing Boone is not is homophobic.

BOONE: I love the gays!

He loves the gays.

Perhaps...a little too much.

BOONE: Last night, I went out to this gay bar and danced shirtless on the bar with my two gay friends.
ME: Bad.
BOONE: Bad?
ME: Really bad?

He was confused.

Maybe you are too.

Let me help you out.

ME: Boone, you're teasing the gays.
BOONE: Huh?
ME: You're a good-looking guy--
BOONE: Thanks!
ME: --And you're letting them believe they stand a chance with you.
BOONE: No, I'm not! I'm just having fun!
ME: Going to a gay bar and taking off your shirt isn't having fun. It's you giving false hope.

Boone looked crestfallen. Clearly, I was the first gay man to tell him to put his shirt back on.

BOONE: So I can't go where I want now because people will get the wrong idea?
ME: No, people will get the wrong idea if you GIVE them the wrong idea. You can go wherever you want, just act like a grown-up. A straight grown-up who doesn't look like he'd go down on you if you got him drunk enough.
BOONE: Well, you never know--
ME: You're saying that because you're mad I'm not into you, right?
BOONE: God, it's like you have crystal balls.

I'm going to take that as a compliment.

Thou Shalt Not Drink It Off

2010-09-15T22:13:00.000-07:00

Byron, like a lot of closet cases, has a bad habit.

ME: You get drunk, have sex with a boy, then pretend you don't remember anything about it the next day.

So perhaps I've started cutting to the chase a little bit more.

BYRON: I...uh...don't...
ME: Don't play dumb. I may not drink, but I'm friends with some of the best.

(FRIENDS: Preach!)

ME: You are using alcohol as an excuse to do the wrong thing because the next day you can blame it all on the--?
BYRON: A-a-a-alcohol?
ME: You got it.

I decided a little aversion therapy was in order.

I took Byron to a party, and gave him his instructions.

ME: I want you to do everything you would do when you're drunk, but not have anything to drink.
BYRON: I...uh...don't...

I wanted Byron to own up to what it is he wants.

He wants to have sex with guys.

If he can do it drunk, he can do it sober.

(FRIENDS: Not necessarily.)

After two hours of partying, Byron was still sitting in a corner munching on a potato chip.

ME: So what have we learned?
BYRON: That I'm a wimp?
ME: No, that you use alcohol as a crutch.
BYRON: Well, yeah, I'm in college.
ME: From now on, the crutch is gone. Time for you to learn how to walk, little homo.
BYRON: Can I have a drink first?
ME: I...uh...no.

Yeah, I'm cruel sometimes.

Blogging ain't easy.

Thou Shalt Learn to Laugh It Off

2010-09-14T16:48:00.000-07:00

Remember that scene from Mary Poppins where they all laugh their way up to the ceiling?

BRODY: I don't see what's so funny.

This wasn't going to be anything like that.

I was trying to teach Brody to laugh more things off instead of getting so worked up about them.

He told me that his ex-boyfriend (who he broke up with five years ago) has a new boyfriend, and it's very upsetting to him.

ME: Brody, it's been five years. Get over it. Don't pull a Jolie.
BRODY: You mean an Aniston?
ME: Let's not discuss religion, politics, and Jen versus Angelina, okay?
BRODY: Fine.
ME: The point is--you need to just let things go, and laughing about them is the best way.
BRODY: The one who got away got a new guy. What's so funny about that?
ME: The new guy is named Dervell, right?
BRODY: Yeah.
ME: That's pretty damn funny.

He thought about it for a second.

BRODY: Okay, maybe you have a point, but I still don't see how I'm going to condition myself to think that.

That was when I threw water on him.

He looked shocked.

ME: Now laugh.
BRODY: I'm going to kill you.
ME: Okay, but laugh first.
BRODY: WHY?!?
ME: Because if you think about it--
BRODY: I'M THINKING ABOUT IT!
ME: --or if you don't think about it, it's funny.

The water was still dripping off his face into his lap, when he started to giggle. You can tell he didn't want to, but nevertheless--

BRODY: You're an ass.
ME: At least you're laughing.

I handed him a glass of water.

ME: Here, go to town.

He threw the water at me.

I managed to splash some back at him.

We were both howling.

ME: See? It's possible, Brody.
BRODY: Yeah, I guess. Hahaha...
ME: Hahaha...
BRODY: Dervell is SUCH a stupid name!
ME: Hahaha!
BRODY: Plus, I'm still sleeping with my ex, so who's really getting screwed over here?
ME: Haha--wait, what?

Back to square one.

Thou Shalt Play the Game

2010-09-13T01:24:00.000-07:00

In another effort to bond with the boys, I initiated a game night.

BOWIE: At what point will being friends with morons help me become a better person?

He gets sweeter everyday.

I thought maybe we could try out my favorite game--

Pyramid.

Nothing helps you get inside someone's head like having them get you to guess the word--

BRODY: Pickle! It was pickle!
BOONE: Pickle? Are you insane?
BRODY: What?
BOONE: You don't put pickles on a meatball sub!
BRODY: I do!
BOONE: That's because you're a freak!

Things didn't go much better with the next team.

BYRON: Um...it's...when you're...uh...
BOWIE: SPEAK! WORDS!
BYRON: It's uh...a place where you...put...
BOWIE: Attics? Basements?
BOONE: Time!
BYRON: Sorry.
BOONE: What was it?
BYRON: Uh...closet.

Awkward seagull.

I felt bad when it was all over. After all, I'm sort of a hustler.

Plus, I had a good partner.

ME: If you like Nickelback you're a--
BRAD: Loser.
ME: Except for 'This Afternoon' which is actually--
BRAD: Decent.
ME: That last guy you dated was a--
BRAD: Toad.
ME: The shirt I'm wearing--
BRAD: Nightmare.

Hey, I had a good time.

Thou Shalt Introduce Thyself

2010-09-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

I was out with Bowie at the club for our next lesson.

BOWIE: Is this where I learn to backhand people so hard they have a mark the next day?

At least he's getting excited about his education.

ME: I want you to introduce yourself.
BOWIE: To who?
ME: To--

I motioned towards the entire room.

ME: --Everyone.

Bowie looked like 'The Scream.'

BOWIE: Are you joking?
ME: Not even a little bit.
BOWIE: But I don't know the people I don't know here for a reason.
ME: What's the reason?
BOWIE: They're ugly and/or I just don't like them.
ME: If you've never met them, how do you know you don't like them?
BOWIE: Did you not hear the part about them being ugly?

For that, I gave him extra homework.

ME: Not only are you introducing yourself to everyone, I want you to say hi to the people you do know.
BOWIE: All right, now you're just being crazy.
ME: What's wrong with that?
BOWIE: You being crazy?
ME: Bowie--
BOWIE: Kevin, I like who I like, and I dislike who I dislike.
ME: Well, the last time I checked, one list was significantly longer than the other.
BOWIE: I don't need that many friends.
ME: Fine, but one day you're not going to be some hot little asshole anymore, Bowie, and when you're not, you're going to need all the friends you can get. Now start making friends before I teach you that backhand.

It took him nearly an hour, but he managed to do the entire bar.

Wow, that sounds really bar.

At the end of the night, he looked exhausted, but also sort of exhilarated.

ME: Meet anybody you misjudged?
BOWIE: Maybe a few people.
ME: See? Being kind is fun!
BOWIE: Tell that to the three guys who called me a dickhead and the one guy who threw a drink in my face.
ME: Huh?
BOWIE: Maybe you don't realize this, Kevin, but I've been a jerk for a long time. If you want to help me, you're going to have to help cleanse my reputation. I'm not some newbie to the scene, okay? If anything, maybe I should just bail on it altogether.

He slammed some money on the bar for his drink, and walked away.

It looks like this was going to be a much harder challenge than I thought.

Thou Shalt Call Upon a Booty

2010-09-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

Boone has a problem with women.

BOONE: But she's on her way over!

He treats them like Netflix movies.

BOONE: Dude, I cannot be reforming my life right now. I haven't gotten laid in hours!
ME: That doesn't--you measure it in HOURS?

He uses them, maybe watches them, maybe doesn't, then leaves them on his fridge until he remembers to send them back.

BOONE: This girl's been in my que forever!
ME: Wow, I really was on target with that metaphor.
BOONE: Huh?
ME: Never mind. The point is, I'm trying to make you a better straight man, and I can't do that if you're being a manwhore who makes girls come over his house at 3am.
BOONE: Nobody's MAKING anybody. She wants to come.
ME: That's because girls like to believe they can have sex like boys.
BOONE: With penises?
ME: With no emotional attachment. Damn you, Kim Catrall.

Luckily, Boone sent me the booty text by accident, so I was in intervention mode immediately.

BOONE: Please just let me be bad for just one night.
ME: Boone, what if Elizabeth Gilbert had stopped at Eat? Then the book wouldn't be called 'Eat, Pray, Love' it would just be called 'Eat: A Woman Gets Fat in Italy and Dies Alone.'

That was when the doorbell rang.

BOONE: Kev, she's a gymnast.
ME: You're making that up.
BOONE: She could be a gymnast. I could help her.

I opened the door to find the cutest little college sophomore ever.

ME: You filthy slut.
KENDRA: Um, did I agree to a threeway and not realize it?
ME: Look at yourself.
KENDRA: I'm sorry! The window was down and my hair got all kooky when I went on the highway.
ME: I mean your dignity!
KENDRA: I can't look at that. It's a metaphor.
ME: It's actually--never mind. Now look, this boy calls you over to his house at 3am and you go knowing full well he's going to use you for sex and then send you home and you're okay with that?
KENDRA: Um, we were going to watch Jersey Shore too before we--

I slammed the door in her face.

ME: That's why I stopped taking female students.
BOONE: Now what am I supposed to do?
ME: Write that girl an apology e-mail and delete her number from your phone. From this point on, until you're a good man, you're celibate.
BOONE: WHAT?!?

Tough love, kids.

It hurts me more than--

Nah, it hurts him way more.

Thou Shalt Dizzy Up the Girl

2010-09-08T15:35:00.000-07:00

Byron was going to break up with Kira.

I had them set up a date at the Brewhouse. That way if things got loud, nobody would notice.

BYRON: This is going to be a disaster.
ME: I'll be right here at the other table if you need me.
BYRON: How many drinks should I have her order before I tell her I like guys?
ME: I'd order rubbing alcohol and go from there.

Kira showed up looking lovely.

Fantastic.

Maybe she can leave here with a new boyfriend.

From my vantage point, I could overhear their conversation and still enjoy my burger.

Hey, a professor has to eat.

Everything was going along fine until Byron revealed the reason for the dinner.

KIRA: You're gay?
BYRON: Uh...yes.
KIRA: Oh my God.
BYRON: Look, I know this must be a--
KIRA: I can't believe you finally figured it out.

Wait, what?

BYRON: You mean you knew?
KIRA: Of course I knew.
BYRON: But we were dating.
KIRA: And it was fun. I guess this means you want to break up?

Okay, time for me to step in.

ME: Hi. Sorry to interrupt.
KIRA: Aren't you that guy from the party?
ME: Why yes, I am.
KIRA: Are you new Byron's new boyfriend? Because I think he can do better.
ME: I'm not--HEY!
BYRON: Kira, if you knew I was gay, why did you keep seeing me?
KIRA: Because you're cute, you're sweet, and straight men suck.
ME: So you took advantage of him?
KIRA: Or he took advantage of me depending on how you look at it. You have to admit, Byron, I was a pretty damn good beard.
ME: Who says beard anymore?
BYRON: She has a point, Kev.

Somehow at the end of this, we all ended up sitting around, drinking beer and eating burgers.

I would say Byron's first step out of the closet was a huge success.

Let's hope his luck doesn't run out.

Thou Shalt Raise Thy Expectations

2010-09-08T02:24:00.000-07:00

I was trying to help Blake weed out his less-than-stellar associates.

BLAKE: This is the guy I hook up with on Wednesdays.

Okay, maybe my wording was a little fancy.

ME: Why only on Thursdays?
BLAKE: That's when his girlfriend visits her dying mother.
ME: I'm not even going to touch that one.

After we went through his Facebook, the next step was to help him evaluate who he spends time with on a regular basis.

I had him print out photos of all his friends and write down how he feels about them next to their pictures.

ME: Why does this photo have 'hot hot hot' next to it?
BLAKE: Um, are you not looking at him?
ME: I wanted actual personality traits, Blake.
BLAKE: So I should have written 'yummy?'
ME: Do you know anything about any of these people?

Silence.

BLAKE: I know most of their first names.

It was time to raise Blake's expectation.

ME: This is going to be fun.
BLAKE: Really?
ME: Of course not, but we're going to do it anyway.

Sometimes life is like an episode of Clean House--and you just need to do a yard sale.

ME: Does that person contribute anything to your life?
BLAKE: Tons.
ME: Aside from sex and booze?
BLAKE: Okay, nothing.
ME: Then they're out.

By the time we were done, Blake had one photo left.

BLAKE: But this is your photo.
ME: And you wrote 'lame dumb poop' on it.
BLAKE: I didn't think you'd actually read that...
ME: It's okay. I've been called worse.

It looks like it's time to get Blake new friends.

Thou Shalt Play Nice

2010-09-08T02:01:00.000-07:00

It was the first time I was having all the boys sit down to dinner together.

BLAKE: This is just like the Housewives reunion!

I should have known better.

I thought maybe they could all get to know each other better, and help become a support system for each other.

BOWIE: Before we begin, is this twinkie high?
BOONE: Yo, I'm not a twinkie. I'm straight.
BOWIE: Of course you are, you're not the cute one.

Byron was looking uncomfortable. I told everyone that he was also straight, and was just looking for ways to become more open.

BOWIE: You want to be open?
BYRON: Um, yes.
BOWIE: I think I can help with that.
ME: Down, Bowie.
BLAKE: Oh my God! Your name is Bowie? That's wicked Gossip Girl.
BOWIE: Are you even a person?

Blake looked like he'd been slapped--which, he pretty much was.

BOONE: Why don't you back off?
BOWIE: Why don't you talk less?
BYRON: You know, I probably shouldn't even be here.
BLAKE: Um, I'm totally a person.
BOWIE: Why do you have two straights in this experiment? Isn't one token enough?

I could see it was a mistake to bring a pork chop (Byron) so close to a tiger (Bowie).

ME: Byron, you do have that thing to go to.
BYRON: What thing?
ME: The colonoscopy.

Hey, I had to come up with something.

BOWIE: There goes my appetite.
BOONE: Well, you did just eat a small child earlier.
BOWIE: You can suck my left--
ME: Okay, dinner's over!

Blake tugged on my sleeve, pointed at Bowie, and whispered--

BLAKE: Are you going to teach him not to be mean?

The tall orders keep on coming.

Thou Shalt Sneer No More

2010-09-08T01:32:00.000-07:00

Bowie was definitely going to be my toughest student.

BOWIE: So if I help you win this bet, you'll split the money with me?

So I may have offered him up some initiative...

ME: If you still want the money after the process, sure.
BOWIE: Ohhh, I'm going to want the money.
ME: You may feel that becoming a better person is payment enough for--
BOWIE: Yeah, yeah, what do I have to do? Adopt an orphan or something?

Step one with Bowie was going to be something simple.

ME: No more sneering.
BOWIE: Beg your pardon?
ME: You sneer at people. It's not nice.
BOWIE: And you know all about nice?

Apparently, someone's never read my other blogs.

ME: Why don't you try smiling?
BOWIE: Why don't you tickle my--
ME: Half the cash!
BOWIE: Ughhh--I only make faces when I have to.
ME: Which is how often?
BOWIE: Um, like now, because you're being a moron.

Baby steps, baby steps.

ME: Let me say something sort of...um...
BOWIE: Stupid?
ME: Interesting! And I want you to just listen and not judge me.
BOWIE: Okay fine. Do I have to--
ME: You don't have to smile. Just try not to look disdainful.
BOWIE: Let's get this over with.

Phrase #1: My boyfriend is so amazing. I don't see him much because he lives in Seattle, but I'm sure he's not cheating or anything.

Bowie looked like a monster was trying to climb out of his throat. Still, he kept the poker face.

Phrase #2: This guy totally wants me. He texted me last week and said he didn't want to talk to me anymore, but he's just playing hard to get. It's so obvi.

I saw Bowie's hands grip the table we were stiting at and go white--but no facial expression.

Phrase #3: How does this shirt look?

BOWIE: I CAN'T! I CAN'T DO IT!

This was going to be fun.

Thou Shalt Quit Smoking

2010-09-06T17:30:00.000-07:00

My first time with a straight boy didn't go the way I planned.

Wow, I need to revise that statement.

BOONE: Dude, I'm not quitting smoking.
ME: Can I at least get you to quit saying 'dude?'

Boone seemed to be stagnant. Lots of plans, lots of ideas, no outlets, and one big obstacle.

ME: All you do is get stoned.
BOONE: Is this a problem?
ME: What is it you want to do with your life, Boone?
BOONE: I like writing.

A writer?

One of my fellow kinsmen?

Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all.

ME: How often do you write?
BOONE: Like...never.
ME: Never?
BOONE: Nope.
ME: That's like saying 'I'm a painter. I just haven't painted anything yet.'
BOONE: I've been busy!

Busy? We were in his apartment. The Hangover was on the television. There was a cricket playing a violin somewhere.

ME: Busy doing what?
BOONE: Enjoying myself.
ME: How often do you smoke a day?
BOONE: Um...
ME: More often than you write, right?
BOONE: Write right?
ME: So--

I grabbed his arm, got him off his couch, and put him down at this desk.

ME: When you're done writing, you can smoke.
BOONE: How much do I have to write?
ME: Let's say ten pages.
BOONE: About what?
ME: I don't care. As long as it's something.
BOONE: Can I write about smoking.
ME: If that's what it takes.

I left him there with his thoughts.

Okay, maybe that's not the best idea--

But it's a start.

Thou Shalt Come Out

2010-09-04T23:25:00.000-07:00

My first lesson with Byron didn't go very well.

BYRON: I'm not gay.

Some might say it didn't "go" at all.

I invited him to meet me at Andrea's so we could get down to business.

BYRON: I like girls.

Business is slow.

ME: Byron, I saw that guy come out of the bathroom at the party.
BYRON: He was just showing me how to use the shower.
ME: Really? I've never seen a house where the shower didn't work unless two guys were having sex in it.
BYRON: I'm out of here.

He stood up to leave, but that was when the waiter showed up with our drinks.

If there's one thing a closet case won't do, it's leave a room without getting drunk first.

BYRON: Maybe I can hang out for a little while longer, if you promise not to bring up private stuff.
ME: Um, okay.

I was going to have to take a different approach.

Little did I know that approach would be Brad.

BRAD: Hello boys.
ME: Brad, if you're here to sabotage--
BRAD: Give me some credit, Kevin. I'm actually here to help.
BYRON: Do I know you?
BRAD: Kinda. You're screwing my boyfriend.

Uh oh.

ME: Since when do you have a boyfriend?
BRAD: One of my boyfriends. He's screwing one of my boyfriends.
BYRON: I don't know what you're--
BRAD: Apparently you like to get drunk--drunk with big air quotes around it, by the way--then call him up and have him sneak in your dorm room where he helps you with your identity crisis.
BYRON: I don't--

But I could see Brad was telling the truth. That meant Byron was in big trouble. Brad treats his F-buddies like an only child treats his toys.

Nobody gets to play with them but him.

This may not sound fair, but since Brad refuses to be one of my students, there's not much I can do about it.

BRAD: Here's the deal. Kevin's going to try and help you come out the right way. If you let him, I'll back off--mostly because then you won't be a challenge, and my boyfriend will lose interest.
BYRON: And if I don't let him?
BRAD: Then I get to out you--and that's a lot more traumatic. Trust me.

With that, he picked up Byron's drink, downed it, and stood up.

BYRON: That was my drink!
BRAD: It's no fun when people steal from you, is it?

And he walked away.

Byron looked at me with a mixture of fear and rage in his eyes.

ME: Sooo...shall we begin?

Hey, don't judge me. I have a bet to win.

And now, so does Byron.

Thou Shalt Cleanse Thy Facebook

2010-09-04T00:24:00.000-07:00

My first lesson with Blake involved Facebook.

BLAKE: Oh my God! Are we going to compare mutual friends?

This was going to be a bloodbath.

ME: No, we're going to delete friends.

Crickets...

BLAKE: I'm going to have to cry and then kill you.

Since it was clear that Blake's life was full of drama, I thought the first place to clear away the social debris was the social network.

ME: Blake, your Facebook is a magnet for trouble.
BLAKE: What are you talking about?
ME: You have four relationships, four break-ups, a feud with some guy named 'Stoney Joe,' and nineteen passive aggressive statuses with hearts all on the same day of newsfeed.
BLAKE: That's called a life, K-Broc.
ME: That's called we're hitting the restart button.
BLAKE: WHAT?!?!

I decided to take things slow.

First we defriended everyone that Blake wasn't actually friends with--

BLAKE: NO! Not Taylor!
ME: You like Taylor?
BLAKE: I loathe Taylor.
ME: So why are you friends with Taylor?
BLAKE: Keep your friends close.
ME: And defriend your enemies.
BLAKE: Ugh, I hate slash love slash wanna punch you.
ME: Slash your friends list, then we'll talk.

By the time we were done defriending and removing embarrassing posts from his wall, all he had was--

BLAKE: My favorite movies and a wall post from my grandma.

Well, it's a start.

Thou Shalt Start The New Semester

2010-09-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

Life begins at parties.

You know who said that?

BRAD: Me.

Brad. That's right.

BRAD: And someone else, but who cares?

He'd talked me into going out on a Wednesday night to some house party in the PC area.

ME: I'm not sure why I let you talk me into this.
BRAD: What's wrong?
ME: It's midnight on a Wednesday and I'm just arriving at a party.
BRAD: And?
ME: Brad, we're not in college anymore. We're in our late twenties.
BRAD: You're in your late twenties. I'm a sparkling nineteen.
ME: Is that the ecstasy, the alcohol, or the bitterness talking?
BRAD: A combo of two, now--

Brad suddenly had a devilish smile on his face.

ME: There's another reason I'm here, isn't there?
BRAD: Remember when you said you'd give me a chance to win some of the money I lost to you back?
ME: You mean when I transformed four little ducklings into glittering duckettes?
BRAD: That's right.
ME: Brad, I'm a little too busy to be taking on--
BRAD: Too bad. I have four boys inside this house who all need a mentor.
ME: Are they tied up in different rooms?
BRAD: Damn, I didn't think of that.
ME: So I meet these boys and then decide if--
BRAD: No, no, no. You accept the mission. You find the boys. You fix them by the end of the semester--
ME: Which school?
BRAD: Let's just say December.
ME: And you pay double?
BRAD: Or you do.

I was tempted, which means I said--

ME: How do I find them?

More of that devilish grin.

BRAD: Look for the purple ribbon.

. . . . .

The house was packed.

I only met my first pupil, because he spilled his drink on me.

BLAKE: Oh my God! I am so sorry!

I immediately noticed the red ribbon tied around his waist.

ME: Are you somebody's present?
BLAKE: Some cute drunk old guy gave this to me.
ME: That would be Brad, and you are--?
BLAKE: Blake. Is he your friend? Because I'm sort of dealing with Daddy issues because my father was really absent during my childhood. Do you want a drink? I'd get you one. You seem nice. Sorry about the spill. Want to take off your pants? Haha...Sorry, that was lame. But if you want to make out, I'm very sexually progressive.
ME: I'm...wet.
BLAKE: In a hot way?
ME: In a wet way.
BLAKE: Haha...you're amazing. Do you think this could be fate?
ME: I think nothing about this was unplanned. Is there a bathroom in here?
BLAKE: Yeah, but, ugh, people were making out in it. I mean, good for them. I'm probably just jealous, but like, everybody needs love, you know? And I really have nobody in my life since my last boyfriend left. It's just--
ME: Hold that thought, Blake.

Okay, so clearly, a drama queen. That was going to be tricky, but not impossible.

When I got to the bathroom, I noticed a red ribbon tied around the doorknob.

One of the boys in here must be--

RANDOM GUY: Um...someone's in there.

The random guy who just popped out was still zipping up his fly when he warned me against going in.

ME: Yeah, I figured as much.

Was this guy my second student?

I had my answer when he took off, and a minute later another guy popped out looking really ashamed.

ME: Are you okay?
GUY: Yeah, I was just using the bathroom. What's your problem?
ME: I don't have a--
VOICE: Byron!

That was when this adorable girl appeared, and grabbed Byron's sleeve.

GIRL: You've become the worst date here.
BYRON: Sorry, Kat.
KAT: I'm only teasing, By. You know how much I love my boyfriend.
ME: Is your boyfriend here?
KAT: Yeah, this is him.
ME: I see.
KAT: Who are you?
ME: I'm Kevin. Did you know--

I saw Byron look at me with pleading in his eyes.

ME: --that koala bears are incredibly fertile?
KAT: Oh great, a zoology major.

With that, Kat took off with Byron following after her.

She calls him 'By'--how appropriate.

Once I wiped down my jeans in the bathroom, I found a note scrawled in lipstick on the mirror.

And nobody has better lipstick penmanship than Brad.

"Up the Stairs. Second Door on the Left."

If I walked in on any sort of spanking, the bet was off.

In fact, when I walked into the room, all I could see was red ribbon covering the bed.

ME: Went all out on this one, huh Brad?
VOICE: Are you Tony?

I turned around to see a jittery guy with tattoos staring at me like I was about to do a magic trick.

ME: No, are you Tony?
BOONE: I'm Boone
ME: You're kidding.
BOONE: No.
ME: Who's Tony?
BOONE: This...guy...I'm waiting for.
ME: Oh my God, are you soliciting?
BOONE: What does that even mean?
ME: Are you waiting for a prostitute?
BOONE: No!
ME: Oh, thank God.
BOONE: I'm waiting for my dealer.

Annnd we're done.

ME: You can't give me a drug addict, Brad!

I called up Brad from my cell phone while sitting on the staircase as people puked mere feet from my head.

BRAD: He's not a drug addict. He only smokes pot.
ME: That's still more than I do.
BRAD: Which is probably why diamonds are forming in your ass as we speak.
ME: I'm not dealing with a gay pothead.
BRAD: Great. You don't have to.
ME: So you're taking him off the roster?
BRAD: No kitten, he's not gay.
ME: WHAT?
BRAD: He's my wildcard. A straight boy.
ME: That is--

As I was about to say 'bullpucky,' I felt a red ribbon be pulled down in front of my eyes.

VOICE: Gotcha.

I lifted the ribbon, turned around, and there was--

BOWIE: Looks like my Christmas came early.
ME: Uh--
BRAD: From the sound of it, you just met your last recruit.

I hung up the phone.

BOWIE: I'm Bowie.
ME: Kevin.
BOWIE: Nice to meet you.
ME: Same here.
BOWIE: Sorry if I was a bit forward. Some guy left ribbon everywhere upstairs, so I thought I'd put it to good use.

So he's, what? A slut? Too direct? Same difference?

ME: It's fine, really.
BOWIE: So do you want to get out of here?

Slut.

ME: Actually, I'd like to get to know you. I'm trying to make some new friends.

Four new friends.

BOWIE: Well, I don't really need friends.
ME: Everyone needs friends.

Bowie laughed. It was a...scary sort of laugh.

Then it stopped.

BOWIE: Look, you can either come back to my lovely apartment with me off Hope Street and screw until we pass out, or you can stay here, but considering you look like you got dressed at Savers, you should consider yourself lucky I ever pulled the ribbon over your eyes in the first place.

Uh oh. Dangerous, Will Robinson.

This guy was no mere slut. He was--

BOWIE: Fine. Stay. But just so you know, I'm going to go home, find you on Facebook, and send every one of your friends a message letting them know you use too much teeth while you're giving head. Maybe next time you'll be a little more humble when a cute guy offers you the night of a lifetime.

--A cobra.

By the time I made it out of the party, the police were already on their way to break it up.

Brad was waiting for me outside on the lawn.

ME: A closet case. A straight stoner. A melodramatic case study. And--
BRAD: Bowie. Ain't he something?
ME: You've got to be kidding me with all this, right?
BRAD: Double or nothing means raising the stakes.
ME: Yes, but you drove the stake through my skull.
BRAD: So you're backing down? Because that means you pay up.

Trying to transform these four guys could give me a nervous breakdown.

ME: Start saving up, Brad. It's going to be an expensive Christmas.

I hear the looney bin is lovely in the fall.

Thou Shalt Dive In Headfirst

2009-09-04T00:06:00.000-07:00

We have reached graduation.

AARON: That water is going to be freezing.

Some people would suggest a firewalk.

BRAD: Those people belong in straight-jackets.

I concur.

AJ: Wait, we're getting naked, right?
ALL: No!

I thought that nothing would be more symbolic of this amazing summer journey than a walk into the ocean.

ANTHONY: My nipples are already hard.

I hadn't anticipated such a drastic weather change.

ALICIA: Kevin, it's going to be freezing.
AARON: Can't we just dip our toes in?
ME: No way! We are all going to do this! Besides, we all spent money on new bathing suits, didn't we?
AJ: I repeat, I thought we were getting naked.

I didn't care if I was walking into freezing cold water. I had won my bet with Brad, and in the process, had made four new friends.

BRAD: I'd cry if my tear ducts weren't frozen.
ME: Admit it, Brad. I did it.
BRAD: Yes, you did. I guess I'll have to get you next time, Gadget.
ANTHONY: Let's do this already!

We all ran--it was the only way.

We ran right into the water, and instantly began screaming.

They were screams of joy...mostly joy...a little bit of joy.

A lot of cold.

ALICIA: I think I just went barren.
AJ: HOLY F**K!
AARON: Is that a sheet of ice?
ANTHONY: Kev, I thought we were being rewarded? Kev?

Brad and I had made it a few feet in, then ran back out again onto the sand.

I told myself I was admiring the tableau of the proteges-turned-graduates in the water.

In reality, I was just plain old f**king freezing.

BRAD: So?
ME: So...?
BRAD: Is this it? Is this the end?
ME: Yes, Brad. Summer's over. It's cold. This is it.
BRAD: So you wouldn't be interested in...?
ME: In what?
BRAD: Well, I was thinking maybe...double or nothing?
ME: No. No. No!

That was when he took the five hundred dollars out of his pocket.

BRAD: One for every new little bird you teach to fly.

And I thought--Don't be greedy. Don't be crazy. Just say--

ME: Make it six fifty.
BRAD: Deal.

Spring semester, anyone?

Thou Shalt Pass It On

2009-09-02T23:39:00.000-07:00

I'd come to my last day with Alicia.

ALICIA: I got you something.
ME: Is it pink?
ALICIA: It might be.

It was a little pink guardian angel...soap.

ME: Awww...are you telling me to shower more?
ALICIA: Kevin!
ME: Kidding, kidding.

I wondered what would be the perfect final lesson for Alicia. When I met her, she was still very much a girl--insecure, needy, and ultimately very unsure of herself.

Now, she was twice the woman she was--at least, that's what I'm hoping.

I had Alicia meet me at Andrea's, where I had a guest waiting.

ALICIA: Who's this lovely lady?
ME: This is Amy.

Amy--fifteen, insecure, needy, and ultimately--

AMY: So glad I met Kevin! My gay friend Seth just moved to Boston, so now I only have, like, four.
ME: Alicia, Amy is your newest protege.
ALICIA: What?

That's right. I'm paying it forward.

Alicia was, shocker, unsure. She excused us and pulled me out onto Thayer.

ALICIA: I can't mentor this girl! I don't know anything!
ME: Yes, you do. You know at least as much as I've taught you, and probably a lot more.
ALICIA: But--
ME: Alicia, she needs someone to look up to. She doesn't need a fourth gay friend. She needs a surrogate big sister who will listen to her and steer her in the right direction. You can do that.
ALICIA: But what if I screw up?
ME: You mean like how I did over and over again?
ALICIA: But you meant well.
ME: Sweetheart, meaning well is half the battle.

We went back inside. Alicia and Amy started talking. Pretty soon, they barely knew I was there.

Which was exactly the way I wanted it.

Thou Shalt Not Go Out with a Bang

2009-09-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

It was my last lesson with Anthony.

ANTHONY: So where are we headed?
ME: Right here, champ.
ANTHONY: Uh, beg your f**king pardon?

It was a Saturday night, and not only that, it was the night of the biggest party...of late August: The Beach Bingo.

ANTHONY: Kevin, I have to go. It's Beach Bingo.
ME: Anthony, when I first met you, you were a club-hopping, clique-loving, mean boy who never met a drama den he didn't love. Now, I think the ultimate test would be to see if you can abstain from a night of going out.
ANTHONY: To do what?
ME: Reflect.

When I say he let out a primal scream, I'm talking PRIMAL.

ME: It won't be so bad.
ANTHONY: It's Beach Bingo and you want me to sit in and watch movies?
ME: No, no movies.
ANTHONY: Are we going to play board games?
ME: Anthony, the point is be quiet and think about your life and how far you've come.
ANTHONY: Why don't you take the knife and kill me now, Kev.

Terrific. I've taken him from Eat, Pray, Love to Hate, Hate, Hating Me.

ME: Let's just give it a try.

We took out two pillows and sat...and sat...and sat some more.

The minutes on the clock ticked by, and after about forty of them, even I was ready to pop in a DVD.

But then something kind of interesting happened.

ANTHONY: F**k, am I crying?

Anthony started to cry.

ME: What's wrong?
ANTHONY: I've just never really uh...wow.
ME: Thought about things?
ANTHONY: I've never been silent before.
ME: Really?
ANTHONY: Yeah, my whole life has just been...about making noise, I guess. I've always listened to everybody else. I've never listened to myself.

Take that, Dr. Phil.

ANTHONY: This is weird, man.
ME: Embrace it, Anthony. Embrace the weird.
ANTHONY: What about the joy?
ME: Embrace that too.
ANTHONY: Kev, hold my hand.
ME: Uh--
ANTHONY: Just hold it.

So we sat there...holding hands...and being quiet.

We sat there for most of the night.

There was some crying.
There was some snacking.
Then more crying.
Then we were done.

ME: How do you feel, Anthony?
ANTHONY: I can't tell if I'm better or not.
ME: Do you feel differently?
ANTHONY: I feel like everything I've done in my life has either weighed me down or sent me flying.
ME: And?
ANTHONY: And I'd like to do some more flying.

Break out the tissues, kids. I know you need to.

Thou Shalt Dine with Class

2009-08-31T19:16:00.000-07:00

My original goal with AJ?

Get him to live in today's society without being arrested on a daily basis.

Now, I've managed to keep him out of jail, but I wanted to get a little bit farther than that by the end of summer.

I didn't, however, plan on getting this far.

BRAD: A dinner party? Who is he? Eliza Doolittle?
ME: It'll be fine. It'll just be you, me, AJ, and the guy I'm setting him up with...
BRAD: This is a set-up too?
ME: Brad, you have to put a carrot at the end of the stick otherwise the donkey don't pull the cart.
BRAD: Thank you, O. Henry.

I didn't tell Brad who I set AJ up with for the party.

BRAD: Who did you set Aj up with?

Damn.

ME: Uh...Scott.
BRAD: Scott?
ME: Let's set the plates.
BRAD: Like my EX SCOTT!

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

I managed to get Brad to calm down slash got him buzzed so that by the time AJ and Scott showed up, things were almost normal.

Cue the sparkling dinner conversation. Let's see how well I trained my little protege.

AJ: So what does everyone think about all the controversy surrounding Health Care?
SCOTT: Politics at a dinner table? Haha, Kevin I thought you trained this kid.

I saw AJ panic. My mistake had embarrassed him.

Luckily, he recovered fast.

AJ: Do you go to the movies often? I really liked District 9.
SCOTT: I'm not into stupid alien movies.

Oh God, I didn't know...

Scott had become an asshole.

BRAD: Become?
ME: Uh oh, I was thinking out loud.

The night didn't get much better. AJ tried making a connection and Scott took a carving knife to his I-want-a-connection hand.

I pulled Brad into the kitchen when I saw AJ's eyes start to get that reddish look right before he maims someone.

ME: I made a huge mistake.
BRAD: You should get that on a t-shirt.
ME: AJ's going to kill Scott if he keeps being a jerk.
BRAD: Good. The joy of watching that will sustain me through the next year.
ME: Brad! He's your ex. Do something!
BRAD: Ohhh! Now he's my ex. Before he was a pawn in your Pygmalion games.
ME: I'll buy you a bottle of whatever you want if you do this.
BRAD: Let me at him.

We went back into the dining room where Scott was explaining to AJ why Gossip Girl is the dumbest show ever.

SCOTT: Why don't you just watch donkeys shitting on toadstools?
AJ: That's a show?
BRAD: Scott, you're being a dickhead. Please leave.
ME: That's it? That's you handling this?
BRAD: Kevin, did you see how much I had to drink tonight? It's amazing I'm still standing.

That was when AJ stood up.

ME: Oh dear Lord.

Ladies and gentlemen, listen to this.

AJ: Scott, I understand that you don't find me intelligent or clever or interesting. That's fine. But to belittle me in front of others, and go out of your way to insult the things that I like because you think it will make you sound quote "more straight-acting" and therefore more appealing to, hmm, I don't even know who, is just ridiculous. I was respectful to you tonight and you were very poorly behaved and very unkind. I don't wish any ill will on you, but I do hope you reconsider how you act in future situations when someone is trying their best to get to know you. Please, excuse me.

And he left.

Ten minutes later, I found out that he had gone outside and smashed Scott's passenger side mirror.

Did it make me feel any less proud?

Not one bit.

Thou Shalt Not Let the Parade Pass By

2009-08-28T13:46:00.000-07:00

It was my last week with the proteges.

I knew that I had to pull out some sort of "Eliza at the Ball" magic in order to win my bet with Brad.

The important thing was remembering what the overall improvement needed to be with Aaron: Bold.

I needed to make him more bold.

When I met him, he was sitting in the corner watching the parade go by--I needed to make him the parade.

Which brings me to--

AARON: No way.
ME: Aaron, this is the last thing I will ever ask of you. If you can do this, you can do anything.

I had driven with Aaron for over an hour to New Hampshire, where a large Pro-Gay Rights rally was going on complete with--you guessed it--a parade.

AARON: So I'm going to walk in this parade.
ME: Walk is such a passive word.
AARON: Kevin--
ME: You're out in front with the baton.
AARON: But I don't know how to--
ME: Before you say anything, I'd like to bring your attention to this--

After raiding his room one night while he was in the kitchen trying to pry pasta from a non-stick pot, I found his yearbook.

ME: I believe twirling happens to be your forte, Mr. A.
AARON: You're an evil man.
ME: Time to grab life by the batons, kid.

An hour later, I was on the sidelines, waiting for my boy to lead the band.

And there he was--

It was a sight to behold. Aaron in his old high school uniform (a little tighter on him, let's not lie) standing straight up, smiling, and twirling like a Texas cheerleader.

I didn't see a scared wallflower anymore. I saw a star.

ME: Hello Brad?
BRAD: Talk louder. I'm going through a tunnel--of inebriation.
ME: All you need to hear is this--

I held out the phone so he could hear the crowd cheer.

One transformation down, three to go.

Thou Shalt Evaluate Thy Hang-Out

2009-08-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

Before I got to high school, I assumed I would have a cool hang-out.

You know, like...oh I don't know...let's say...

ALICIA: The Max.
AJ: Holler.

High school immediately became a huge letdown when I found out there was no cool hang-out to chill at after school where the waiter knew magic tricks and where they had dance contests hosted by Casey Kasem.

Some people probably preferred The Peach Pit.

Those people are not my friends.

So I was really happy when the proteges told me they'd found a new place to hang out.

Then I went there.

BRAD: Oh, they have GOT to be kidding me.

The place was filled with college kids, which would not be a bad thing, except that none of my proteges are actually IN college.

AARON: Isn't this place awesome? Everyone keeps calling me wise...Wise is hot, right?
ME: Yes, Aaron. That's how Yoda became the sex symbol he is today.

Granted, it was a step up from Prisms, but there was wayyy too much temptation to play with the jailbait.

ME: Anthony, tell me you haven't actually fraternized with any of these guys.
ANTHONY: If by fraternized you mean--
ME: Yup. You have. I don't need to hear what it is you think I meant.
BRAD: Do they serve anything here that doesn't come in a darkly tinted bottle?
AARON: That's called beer, Brad.
BRAD: I'm sorry--what?

Alicia was even having fun--which meant we were really in trouble.

ALICIA: This makes me want to go back to school!
ME: Were you ever in school in the first place?
ALICIA: I took a class.
ME: Creative writing?
ALICIA: How did you know?
ME: Lucky guess.

(Every time someone "takes a class" it's in Creative Writing.)

I managed to haul everyone out of the dive before beer pong started up. I don't have any objections to beer pong except when it's happening on a Tuesday night at eight o'clock.

AARON: Why do you have to ruin all our fun?
ME: Because that's how I have my fun.
AJ: K-Brock, summer's almost over and we're still not classy.
ANTHONY: And none of us have boyfriends.
ALICIA: And some of us are considering joining a religious order.
AARON: How did you know!

I guess I'm going into the home stretch with a few handicaps.

..........

This is what happens when you make me go to a sports bar.

Thou Shalt Raid the Retro Closet

2009-08-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

We had to plan for this for a few days before putting it into effect.

ALICIA: Hey guys! I'm so psyched for Bad Movie Night!
ME: Alicia, there isn't going to be a bad movie night.
ALICIA: Huh?
ME: Storm! Storm!
ALICIA: Ahhhhh!!!

Brad, Aaron, AJ, Anthony, and I all swept into Alicia's apartment in an effort to clear out everything that was holding her back from becoming a true woman.

BRAD: What are the odds any of us will make it out of this alive?
ME: Not good, Brad. Not good.

We had removed eight Jonas Brothers posters, and we weren't even out of the living room yet.

AARON: Kevin, do you want to handle the DVD rack or do I?
ME: Let me. I've watched over eight hundred hours of Clean House.
AARON: She owns Just My Luck AND Georgia Rule.
ME: We better let AJ handle it. He's seen both of those.
AJ: And New York Minute. That's right. I'm an Olsen-lover. No shame.
ME: How's Alicia holding up, Anthony?
ANTHONY: I slid some peanut M&M's underneath the bathroom door. She should be fine.

An hour later, we were ready to move into her bedroom.

BRAD: I may need a drink for this.
ME: You have one in your hand.
BRAD: A stronger one.
ME: Everybody take a deep breath.

And in we went...

I want you to imagine Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory as imagined by Belinda Carlisle in 1986 then redecorated by Alicia Silverstone in 1994.

That will give you an idea of what we were facing.

AARON: I can't see the walls.
AJ: I can't see the floor.
ANTHONY: I can't see hope.
ME: We might just need to bomb the place and start from scratch.

By the time we were done, Alicia was asleep on her bathroom door cuddled up with her inflatable Channing Tatum shower doll.

BRAD: Are we sure she's not certifiable?
ME: I'm not sure of anything anymore.

The apartment looked great. We even added little flairs here and there to make it look more grown up.

AJ: I got her a lamp.
BRAD: Did she not have one before?
AJ: Nope. Just a Miley candle.

Let's never speak of this again.

Thou Shalt Not Run Over Thy Ex

2009-08-21T14:10:00.000-07:00

Anthony is the one that seems to be doing the best of all my proteges.

Of course, that's like comparing war crimes.

Still, I had a lot of faith in Anthony. That's why when he told me he was having dinner with Chet, his idiot ex-boyfriend, I wasn't all that worried.

ME: So how do you think the dinner is going to go?
ANTHONY: Real good. I'm going to make him think we're cool and then shank him with the butter knife.
ME: Uh...maybe I'd better come along.

This seemed like a great time to teach Anthony about being civil to an ex.

We met up at Bravo and, of course, Chet was running late.

ANTHONY: So no cussing him out?
ME: No.
ANTHONY: No telling him he sucked in bed?
ME: Anthony--Wait, he sucked in bed?
ANTHONY: Hardcore.
ME: Just avoid sex talk altogether.
ANTHONY: Can I spill red wine on him? That shit doesn't come out.
ME: I might allow that one depending on how annoying he is.

Right on cue--

CHET: So I get two hotties for the price of one?

I immediately ordered a red wine.

Dinner went as follows:

Chet would say something stupid.

Anthony would start to tell Chet he was stupid.

I would pinch Anthony under the table.

Anthony would say something civil instead.

I would feel pride bursting through me like a crazy little league parent when their kid purposefully hits the batter with a ball.

Everything was going great right up until the end. Chet even paid for dinner, which was nice.

...Somewhat too nice.

CHET: We should do this again.
ANTHONY: Yeah, it was...not awful.
CHET: Maybe I should bring my new boyfriend next time.

Red Flag.

ANTHONY: You got a new boyfriend?
CHET: Yeah, Moss Lewis.
ANTHONY: Moss?
ME: Someone is actually named Moss?
ANTHONY: That's my ex-boyfriend--my OTHER ex-boyfriend.
CHET: Yeah, I Facebooked him. We hung out. Amazing body.
ANTHONY: Uh--I know.

This was when I saw him glance at the butter knife, so I dragged him away with a fleeting "So long" to Chet.

Once we were back in his car, I realized letting him drive was not the best idea, but he already had the key in the ignition.

ANTHONY: That f**king cockjockey!
ME: Do you actually miss this Mildew?
ANTHONY: That's not the--it's Moss!
ME: It's still not pleasant.

We turned onto Broad Street just as--lo and behold--Chet was crossing the street.

ANTHONY: Kev--
ME: Don't do it.
ANTHONY: Can't I just tap him?
ME: Tapping is called vehicular manslaughter, Anthony.

Luckily, Chet made it across the street and Anthony kept driving.

ANTHONY: Guess I'm flunking keeping my temper in check, huh?
ME: No flunking would have been running the dickhead over just now.
ANTHONY: I always was a C-student.

Funny. I was always an easy grader.

Thou Shalt Go to the Theatre

2009-08-20T10:36:00.000-07:00

I thought AJ might be ready for a little test.

AJ: Like multiple choice?
ME: Like the theater.
AJ: Ohhh, I'm screwed.

With time ticking down until my little birds have to fly, I'm trying to gauge how much progress I've made with each of the proteges.

AJ is, by far, the one I'm most concerned with at the moment.

ME: We're going to make this as fun as possible.
AJ: But K-Brock, what if I trainwreck?
ME: Then you won't be trainwrecking here.
AJ: Huh?
ME: AJ, I'm taking you to New York.
AJ: Yeeeeeee haw!

I just might regret this.

Still, I figured it was safer to introduce AJ to the arts as far away from his home turf as possible.

Plus, I miss Times Square.

AJ: How long can we stay?
ME: Not long enough for you to hook-up with anybody.
AJ: We're staying less than an hour?

We arrived in the city around noon, and bought tickets for our first show. After a quick lunch, we headed to the theater.

That was where the trouble began.

ME: AJ, quit texting.
AJ: I'm texting this kid I met in the train station.
ME: When did this happen?
AJ: When I told you I thought I saw Billy Joel boarding on track fourteen.
ME: I looked away for five seconds!
AJ: The new Iphone contact-to-contact with a bump. It's a beautiful thing.

I confiscated AJ's phone, but once the play started, things didn't get any better.

AJ: I'm lost.
ME: Ssshhh...
AJ: But I'm lost.
ME: I'm explain at intermission.
AJ: Why are they talking so fast?
ME: They're not.
AJ: Yeah they are. I don't know them. They have to talk slower.
ME: AJ--
AJ: But K-Brock, I'm lost.
ME: I'm going to make sure you're lost in a second.

At intermission, he wanted to bail.

AJ: I hate it.
ME: You might like it by the end.
AJ: Doubtful. Plus ten times three, I want to go hang out with that guy. Apparently he lives in Jersey. Is that far?
ME: AJ, this was supposed to be a trip of culture and learning.
AJ: It was! I learned I don't like culture. Can I go now?

I should have said 'No,' but I was so frustrated--

ME: Fine. Go. I'll meet you at the station at ten, okay?
AJ: Rock on. You're the best, Kev.
ME: Ohhh, I know.

Maybe AJ's not the one who needs to learn something. Maybe I do. Maybe I need to learn that you can't change some people...

...Then again, I still have eleven days left.

Thou Shalt Tear Down Thy Walls

2009-08-19T22:23:00.000-07:00

We're coming up on the home stretch.

In just a few short weeks, summer is over.

That means so is the school for boys.

BRAD: And your little group is no closer to sanity than they were before--congrats.

I disagree. I think we've come leaps and bounds.

Take Aaron for example.

AARON: I met this guy.

Before, he would have gone crazy over a guy at the word "Hello."

AARON: He seems really nice.

Now, he's more cautious.

AARON: He gave me his number.
ME: That's great.
AARON: I'm not going to call him.

Perhaps a bit too cautious.

ME: I'm a little confused, Aaron.

I was over his house to watch 'Flipping Out.' (Don't judge.)

AARON: Kevin, every time I get close to a guy I find out something horrible about him.
ME: That doesn't mean you stop getting close.
AARON: Look, I'm just sick of getting my hopes up and then having them dashed to pieces. I'm putting up a wall.
ME: You can't consciously put up a wall.
AARON: Watch me.

I blame myself for this. I had turned Aaron's rose-colored glasses a dark grey.

It was time for damage control.

TAYLOR: Do I know you?
ME: Not yet, you don't.
TAYLOR: Huh?
ME: I'm Aaron's friend.

I managed to find Taylor on Facebook chat.

TAYLOR: Aaron seems cool, but sort of blocked?
ME: Well, that's what I was hoping to take to you about...

In about three hours, Mission: Down With the Wall was in full effect.

Knock, Knock.

AARON: Hey Kev, what's up?
ME: Come outside with me, Aaron.

Once we were outside, he was met with a striking image.

Taylor dressed up like a court jester.

AARON: Uh...confusion?
ME: Aaron, this is a boy who is literally willing to make a fool of himself for you.
TAYLOR: Plus the costume cost forty bucks.
ME: In the hopes that you'll give him a chance.

I could see the cracks in Aaron's wall widen, until he finally laughed.

AARON: Wow, Taylor, you look pretty stupid.
TAYLOR: Does that mean I can buy you dinner?
AARON: Provided you change out of that outfit, then yes.

Aaron looked over at me and smiled.

AARON: So this is progress?
ME: Yes, it is.

And progress never looked so good.

Thou Shalt DVR

2009-08-18T21:35:00.000-07:00

In life, there are struggles.

Obstacles.
Hurdles.
Giant Mountains with scary mountain-people living inside them.

All of these pale in comparison to what it's like trying to teach four culturally challenged people about good television.

AJ: You mean we just have to watch tv? That should be easy.
ANTHONY: Are we doing Will and Grace first?
AARON: Golden Girls?
ALICIA: Oh my God! There's a Jonas Brothers retrospective on E! tonight!

Ten bucks says it's not quite a "retrospective."

I decided that my proteges needed to learn what real television is--and I invited Brad along because I bought too much alcohol for the occasion.

BRAD: Shouldn't you be teaching them this lesson on a Monday? It's a Wednesday. It's not a completely asocial night.

Let's begin:

We did the Chuckles the Clown episode of Mary Tyler Moore.

ALICIA: Mary is SUCH a Charlotte.
ME: Mary was Charlotte before there WAS a Charlotte.
AJ: You just blew my mind, K-Brock.

I followed that up with the Vitametavegamin episode of I Love Lucy.

BRAD: Bitch is drunk. I love it.
ANTHONY: Ricky's kind of hot.
AARON: You might be the first person in history to say that.
ME: Aside from Lucy...and maybe Fred.

We then did two episodes of Taxi (possibly the most underrated show in television history), an episode of St. Elsewhere, and a whopping four episodes of Boy Meets World.

AJ: Can we do some AbFab now?
ME: Guys, I'm trying to show you that there's more to television than Bravo's Pittsburgh, Unhinged.
AARON: That sounds steamy.
ALICIA: Kevin, none of these shows are even on anymore!
ANTHONY: They're all lame.
AJ: I thought you were going to turn us onto something exciting.

That was when I brought out the big gun.

BRAD: You shouldn't have gotten him angry.

The first two episodes...

ME: Okey doke.

...of Veronica Mars.

AJ: Whoa.
ANTHONY: Wow.
AARON: Uh...
ALICIA: More please.

And because they were fresh...

ME: I'm actually tired. It's late. I should--
AARON: Drop the DVD's, Broccoli.
ME: Um--
BRAD: You heard the man. Put down Kristen Bell, and walk away.

When I went to bed, they were still trying to figure out who killed Lily. I contemplated yelling it into the living room along with the answer to how the bus went off the cliff in Season Two...

...But I'm not that cruel.

Thou Shalt Let Alicia Be Alicia

2009-08-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

Alicia wanted something a little different for "Turn the Tables" week.

ALICIA: I want to cheat!
ME: At what? Bridge?
ALICIA: No! I want to break every rule you've made me follow.
ME: Oh God.

That meant we were headed to Prisms.

ALICIA: No girls allowed!
ME: Does that rule out Brad?

It didn't.

BRAD: So you're letting her loose for a night, huh?
ME: It's what she wants.
BRAD: Let's hope she makes it to morning without having a crying fit.

She didn't even make it to midnight.

After performing "Lovefool" by The Cardigans, she tried to get some gay guy to make out with her on the dance floor. He refused, which I don't blame him for, but then he called her--

"A wasted mess."

Considering she'd only had two drinks, she wasn't too happy.

ALICIA: Am I a mess?
BRAD: Of course you are.
ALICIA: You mean of course I'm not?
BRAD: No, you are. I'm the honest one. Kevin's the nice one. Remember?

That was when the crying started.

The night ended with Alicia binging on Antonio's pizza while sitting in my passenger seat--Brad passed out drunk in the back--trying to remember the guys' numbers she used to drunk dial.

ALICIA: I think there was a "4" in it...Oh God, why did I delete those numbers? I need to get Ryan to sleep with me so he'll fall in love with me again! He loved my hips! MY HIPS!

Brad slept through the whole hurricane.

By the time I dropped her off at her place, Alicia was almost passed out too.

In the morning I got a text from Brad.

BRAD: Bet you wish it had been another learning experience, huh?

It was.

I learned never to do "Turn the Tables" week again.

Thou Shalt Let Anthony Do the Cooking

2009-08-13T13:03:00.000-07:00

It's not that I can't cook.

BRAD: I wouldn't call it 'cooking.'
ME: What would you call it?
BRAD: Food poisoning.

It's just what I cook isn't always...edible.

ANTHONY: This is where the stereotypical Italian guy comes in to save the day.
ME: Hey! I'm Italian.
ANTHONY: One fourth.
BRAD: That means one fourth out of every meal he makes will look like actual food.

Anthony, as part of "Turn the Tables Week," wanted to give me and Brad a cooking lesson.

BRAD: Will we be cooking with sherry?
ME: Who's Sherry?
BRAD: And you don't drink. Are you sure you're human?

We were going to start small--salad--and work our way up to difficult--dessert.

We never made it to "slightly harder than easy."

You see, Anthony asked me to boil water.

BRAD: Should I call the fire department now?
ME: Brad, nobody screws up boiling water.

I screwed up. I estimated that it would take a couple of minutes for the water to boil so I started in on the entree, which was supposed to be chicken with some stuff on it (see, I know technical terms).

I was putting together aforementioned "stuff" when the water started boiling over onto the stove.

ANTHONY: Kev! The water!

That wouldn't have been so bad except that I had set the salad bowl down next to the boiling water--don't ask, I never said I had common sense--which turned the salad into hot lettuce soup.

(Which, by the way, is a delicacy in Austria.)

BRAD: Where's Meryl when you need her?

The chicken might have been salvageable if the stuff I put on it hadn't turned into something that looked more than a little like mucous.

ANTHONY: You didn't add an egg to that, did you?
ME: Should I not have?
BRAD: Why would you randomly add an egg to something?
ME: Because that's what people who cook do! They add eggs to things! Everything has egg on it!
BRAD: Including your face at the moment.

We ended up doing what I do best.

Ordering in.

Hey, maybe once this week is over that could be a new rule...

"Thou Shalt Know the Best Chinese Take-Out"

Just a thought.

Thou Shalt Let AJ Dress Thee

2009-08-11T21:59:00.000-07:00

It was AJ's turn to turn the tables.

Being the original thinker that he is, he realized I could use a new attire.

AJ: Kev, your car's beyond hope. I'm talking about your clothes.
ME: No, AJ, 'attire' is--never mind.

Normally, whenever I walk into a clothing store, I fall into a pile and start hyperventilating.

In the event that I needed to be sedated, AJ brought along back-up.

BRAD: I was promised cocktails.
ME: Since when does American Eagle offer drinks while you shop?
BRAD: I wouldn't step foot in American Eagle unless I was planning to move to a shack in the woods and pretend I liked girls.
AJ: I used to work at American Eagle!
BRAD: Point taken?
ME: Point taken.

The first store we went to was a little too preppy for me. Everything AJ put me in made me look like I was headed to play polo with my fellow Bulldogs.

AJ: You look stupid.
ME: Aren't you supposed to be helping?
BRAD: I agree with stupid.
ME: Next store.

The second store was a little too model-y. I'd have to have a heroin addiction to look good in any of their clothes.

BRAD: I'm buying half of what you just tried on.
ME: Uh, Brad--
BRAD: Intervention me later. I need to look good now.
AJ: Next store.

The third store we tried was one of those gay, trendy stores where everything you buy will be passe in about two days.

AJ: God, I forgot they put out the August line!
ME: There's a line for every month?
AJ: Some months have two lines. Like October.
ME: Why October?
AJ: Pre-Halloween, Post-Halloween.
ME: Where do you get the actual Halloween costume?
BRAD: That would be the--NEXT STORE!

By the time we'd hit our sixth store, I was exhausted, and half the stuff I bought just didn't seem to fit me.

AJ: Sorry K-Brock. I guess I failed.
ME: You didn't fail.
BRAD: No, of course you didn't. Kevin's just a fashion disaster.
ME: Thanks Brad.
BRAD: He sucks everybody into the black hole of his horrific style.
ME: Again, Brad, thank you.
BRAD: He's just a walking--
ME: NEXT FRIEND!

I did manage to find one shirt I liked...

I returned it three days later, but at the time, it was quite smashing.

I guess, like fashion, I'm just very of the moment.

BRAD: Or a plane crash in the middle of a trainwreck.

Yeah, or that.

Thou Shalt Let Aaron Expose Me to Film

2009-08-10T20:28:00.000-07:00

In celebration of getting my kids back from Scooter, I decided to let them play teacher for a week.

AARON: This is so exciting.
ME: You don't get out much, Aaron.
AARON: That's because you don't let me!
ME: Point taken. What do you want to teach me about?

Aaron had a list of films he wanted me to watch.

ME: Oh, this won't be so bad then. I love movies.
AARON: Great. All we're doing for the next eight hour is--
ME: EIGHT HOURS? Aaron, Robert Ebert doesn't watch that many movies in a row.
AARON: No, but I'm pretty sure that's how long he takes to clear a buffet.

Not only were we spending an entire day watching movies, but the movies were--

AARON: Let's start with anime.

--Not exactly what I would call Robert Altman's biggest hits.

It's not that I'm not open to anime, I just feel overwhelmed by it. I feel like in order to like certain things you need to love them from the day you exit the womb.

You know--Sports, Foreign Languages, Barbra Streisand, etc.

AARON: Well, we have eight hours to get you up to speed.

We certainly did.

And you know what? By the third hour, I was kind of into it.

By hour seven, I was white-knuckling it.

AARON: Hey Kev, mind if we call it an evening?
ME: What? But we still have an hour.
AARON: I kind of feel like going out.
ME: Fine. Go out. I'll be here when you get back.
AARON: Kevin, I thought--
ME: Just go! I'm losing time here.

I'm not exactly sure when Aaron left, or when he came back.

The last thing I remember was reaching for the last pretzel in the bag while the sound of anime lingered in the background.

To quote Aladdin, my favorite Disney shirtless Disney character--

A whole new world...A dazzling place I never knew...

Great, another addiction.

Thou Shalt Get the Gang All Here

2009-08-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to have to do it.

ME: Hey, it's me. I need a little help.

I really didn't want to.

ME: It's Scooter. He's back.

I mean, you know I love a good reunion.

ME: No, I don't think we'll need a taser.

But not like this. Never like this.

ME: Do I need to say it...Rally?

It's come down to this.

Prisms--Friday night--Karaoke.

Just like old times.

Aaron, AJ, Anthony, Alicia--even Brad--were all out and enjoying themselves with their new leader.

Scooter.

ME: Let's bust this party up.

Coming in from the left, we have Dwight.

DWIGHT: Hi, you must be Aaron.
AARON: Uh, yeah. Hi.
DWIGHT: I'm Dwight. I'm friends with Scooter.
AARON: Oh cool. Nice to meet you.
DWIGHT: You guys dated, right?
AARON: Yeah, for a little while. We've been reconnecting over the past few days.
DWIGHT: Aw, that's bad.
AARON: How come?
DWIGHT: Well, I actually think you're kind of cute.
AARON: Oh, well, it's not that serious yet--
DWIGHT: Yeah, but I can't take a chance on my health.
AARON: Your health?
DWIGHT: Yeah, I mean, I know Scooter is really conscious about when he's having outbreaks, but you just can't chance something like that.
AARON: WHAT?

Coming in from the right, we have Turner.

TURNER: Hey there, AJ.
AJ: Oh hey. Do I know you?
TURNER: Not yet, but you will.
AJ: Huh?
TURNER: You know, later tonight, when we...
AJ: We?
TURNER: You know! You, me, Scooter--
AJ: Are you talking about a--
TURNER: Look, I just want to run a few things by you, okay?
AJ: Uh...
TURNER: You're into food, right?
AJ: Food?
TURNER: You know, having someone eat baby food off of you?
AJ: Whoa, what--
TURNER: Because Scooter said you'd love it. He said he hasn't done that with you yet, but that now you're comfortable with him and--
AJ: I'm not THAT comfortable.
TURNER: Does this mean the whipping is out too?
AJ: WHAT?

Bringing up the rear (hehe), we have Nick.

NICK: Yo, Anthony.
ANTHONY: Yo--do I know you?
NICK: Bitch, you better know me. You owe me money.
ANTHONY: I do?
NICK: Scooter said you're the one he borrowed money for, which means you're the one I'm collecting from.
ANTHONY: Hey, I don't know anything about any money.
NICK: Oh, you don't, huh? I suppose you don't know anything about the JuJu either?
ANTHONY: What the hell is Juju?
NICK: Newest club drug. Scooter says you're hooked.
ANTHONY: That's bull, man!
NICK: Oh, so he's lying, huh? I thought that was your boy?
ANTHONY: He was--is--uh--
NICK: So you're not smuggling some JuJu in your rectum right now?
ANTHONY: WHAT?

Finally, we have Brian--to seal the deal.

BRIAN: ALICIA!
ALICIA: YOU!
BRIAN: AHHH!
ALICIA: You're--?
BRIAN: Scooter's bff!
ALICIA: Oh my God! So nice to meet you!
BRIAN: He said you're the coolest girl ever!
ALICIA: Did he really say that?
BRIAN: Totally. And can I just tell you, it's such a relief to know that he finally met someone who doesn't care about his past.
ALICIA: Oh, I don't--which part of his past?
BRIAN: Hahaha, you're funny. Scooter said you were funny.
ALICIA: Well, I am whimsical but--
BRIAN: You'd have to have a sense of humor to overlook three domestic violence arrests, I guess.
ALICIA: WHAT?

And just like that, Scooter toppled.

Not only did everyone strand him at the club, but my phone starting vibrating like an easy chair at Sharper Image.

AARON: SOS!
AJ: Can I go back to school now?
ANTHONY: HUGE MISTAKE! HUUUUGE!
ALICIA: I'm scarring on the inside.

To show that there were no hard feelings, me and the boys took Scooter out to IHOP.

SCOOTER: So you got rid of me. Are you happy?
ME: I didn't want to get rid of you. I just wanted you to stop sabotaging my fledglings.
TURNER: It was actually kind of fun taking you down a notch, Scooter.
BRIAN: I'm sorry, but when was it not fun?
DWIGHT: That Aaron kid gave me his number.
ME: That's actually the number to the West Warwick Public Library.
DWIGHT: Are you serious?
ME: Thou Shalt Not Give Out Thy Number to Republicans, Dwight.

It was good to have some laughs with old friends.

NICK: I hated having to black it up like that. I felt like Pam Grier.
ME: You all did fantastic.
SCOOTER: I guess this means I'm heading back to Boston.
ME: You don't hate me, do you?
SCOOTER: Actually, I miss you a lot. Why don't you come visit more?
BRIAN: Please, he doesn't even visit me and I'm his best friend.
TURNER: Uh, I believe I'm the one due for a visit.

Normally I'd say I don't like being fought over by boys--but like this...

BRAD: I'll come visit all of you. No wonder there are no cute boys left in Rhode Island--they all moved.

...I make exceptions to the rules.

Thou Shalt Not Convert

2009-08-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

With all the craziness surrounding Scooter's return, I nearly forgot about the date I'd made with Alicia.

ALICIA: Kevin, have you ever had sex with a woman?

I should have cancelled the date.

ME: No, why would you ask that?
ALICIA: I was wondering if you ever questioned your sexuality.
ME: I question my sanity, but never my sexuality.
ALICIA: What would you say if I told you I was interested in a guy who's a little bit confused?
ME: What's he confused about? Trigonometry?
ALICIA: He thinks he might like girls.
ME: As opposed to--
ALICIA: Well, right now, he considers himself...someone...who doesn't...like girls.

This is where my sensitivity kicks in.

ME: Absolutely not.
ALICIA: But--
ME: No.
ALICIA: Kevin!
ME: NO!

I nearly pulled an NJH (New Jersey Housewife) and knocked over our table at Andrea's.

ME: Who is this idiot anyway?
VOICE: Whoa!

I shouldn't have asked.

Scooter sat down next to Alicia with a big smile on his face.

ME: Okay, this has gone far enough. Alicia, this is my friend--
ALICIA: I know.
ME: You know?
ALICIA: Anthony introduced me to him last night at Prisms.
ME: You went to Prisms?
SCOOTER: Not just us. AJ and Aaron came too.
ME: Oh really? And how soon afterwards did you all go back to the motel and make a snuff film?
ALICIA: Kevin, we would have invited you, but since you forbid me to go there in the first place and since the boys said you've been mad at them--
ME: I've been mad at them because they've been sleeping with him!

I pointed at Scooter like an old Italian woman points at the village whore.

God, I've been watching too much Moonstruck.

SCOOTER: I'm going to excuse myself so you can warn Alicia not to fall in love with me.
ALICIA: Aw, he might be too late!

Instead of bothering with Alicia--thereby continuing my losing streak--I followed Scooter.

ME: You don't actually plan on sleeping with her, do you?
SCOOTER: Of course not. The fact that she wants me is satisfying enough.
ME: Alicia isn't a gay boy, Scooter. There's a chance she can still see heaven.
SCOOTER: And you're going to lead her there?
ME: Just call me Saint Peter.

I had prepared for this...Well, maybe not this, but something like this.

After running to my car, I came back and dropped a very large photo album on the table.

ALICIA: What's this?
ME: These are the Scooter chronicles.
SCOOTER: The what?
ME: I like to think of it as psychological contraception.
ALICIA: Kevin, please don't. It's not necessary. I know Scooter is gay, but I can't but think that loving someone this much has to have an effect on them. And I don't believe in labels anyway.
SCOOTER: Neither do I.
ME: Really? Not even--

Photo One

ME: Naked Beer Pong Champion?
SCOOTER: You can't prove that's me. Whoever it is is wearing a Joker mask.
ALICIA: And not much else.

Photo Two

ME: That would be you, wouldn't it?
ALICIA: Scooter, are you having sex in a playpen?
SCOOTER: I was dating a Manny.

Photo Three

ALICIA: Oh my God.
ME: If this photo had been taken in Tibet, Scooter would have a price on his head right now.
SCOOTER: Wow, my thighs used to be wicked strong.

I shut the album.

ME: Still in love, Alicia?
ALICIA: Yes, but now, like always, I feel guilty about it.
SCOOTER: You know what cures guilt? Karaoke.
ME: Ohhh no! You are not taking her anyway. Alicia is coming home with me.
ALICIA: Really?
ME: Yes, and then I'm sending you back to your home.
SCOOTER: Or you could come with me, we can get drunk, and I'll make out with you once I start seeing double.
ALICIA: Let's go!

I could have stood in their way, but really, what would be the point?

I'd lost. Scooter won.

All I could think was--

Maybe it's time to shut down the school...

Thou Shalt Use a Tool to Screw; Thou Shalt Not Screw a Tool and Get Used

2009-08-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

Scooter's return to town has become the equivalent of a hurricane touching down on a port town.

BRAD: Is this your way of asking for help?

I'm calling in Brad.

Scooter had already successfully managed to derail any progress Aaron was having with trying to meet nice guys, and he killed AJ's not-sleeping-with-losers streak.

Now I had a feeling he'd set his sights on Anthony.

BRAD: Don't you think you're being a little bit paranoid?
ME: Where Scooter is concerned, there is no paranoia. All your worst fears come true.
BRAD: Didn't you used to be friends with this guy?
ME: Oh, we're still friends. I just don't trust him to be around anyone with a weak sense of self without completely destroying them.
BRAD: Sounds like a pal to me.

Brad and I headed over to Anthony's apartment to try and head Scooter off at the pass.

God, I can't believe I just used the term 'head off at the pass.'

When we got to Anthony's apartment, Scooter's car was already parked out front.

ME: This is impossible!
BRAD: Are you sure he doesn't have a tracking device on you?
ME: I checked.
BRAD: Well, he can't have been here long. Didn't you just leave him with AJ?
ME: Trust me, he moves fast. He may have even brought AJ over to screw two birds with one stone.

We knocked on the door, and Anthony answered--fully clothed, thank God.

ANTHONY: Hey! We were wondering when you were going to get here.
ME: The 'we' being you and Scooter?
ANTHONY: Yeah! He told me you said to get the party started and you'd join us later.
ME: I said no such thing.

Scooter appeared behind Anthony mixing a drink.

SCOOTER: You know I have a hard time hearing you when you speak lameass.

I barged into the apartment, and pulled Scooter into the bathroom.

ME: Stop.
SCOOTER: Stop what?
ME: You know what.
SCOOTER: Again, lameass.
ME: Scooter, in less than twenty-four hours, you have slept with two out of the four people I'm trying to help.
SCOOTER: I know, but I'm not counting that chick because I haven't been bi since high school.
ME: Finish your drink. Say your good-byes. Then head back to Boston.
SCOOTER: Eat some nachos. Play some Cranium. Then we'll talk.

There's no reasoning with him when he's like this.

We all had our nachos, played some Cranium, and by the time we were done, everyone--aside from me--was trashed.

In Scooter terminology, "trashed" means "good to go."

ANTHONY: Kev, I might need a speech soon.
ME: Let's take this to the bedroom.
SCOOTER: That's what I said!
BRAD: Less talking, more pouring, Scoop.
SCOOTER: Scooter.
BRAD: Whatever.

In Anthony's bedroom, I got to the bottom of why he--and many others--find Scooter so irresistible.

ANTHONY: He's so stupid.

Ah, the money trait.

ANTHONY: I mean, come on, that's hot, right?
ME: Can you explain to me what's hot about someone being a tool?
ANTHONY: Maybe it's the caveman in me.
ME: You are aware the cavemen had enlarged foreheads and ate raw bison, right?
ANTHONY: What's bison?
ME: Pre-historic kittens.
ANTHONY: Ew! Really?

Hey, I have to have some fun too.

ME: Anthony, this is exactly what's wrong with all of you. You have your preferences and your priorities all mixed up. You should be going for guys who are smart, kind, reliable--
ANTHONY: Rich?
ME: No! You need to reassess what you want in life. If you just want one-night stands and walks of shame then keep getting with guys like Scooter. If you want to wake up twenty years from now next to someone you're actually proud to be waking up next to, then you need to go back in that kitchen and tell Scooter to leave.

Anthony took a deep breath.

ANTHONY: Kev, you know the great thing about a diet?
ME: No, what?
ANTHONY: You can always start it tomorrow.

With that, he took off into the kitchen.

I gathered up my dignity and met Brad in the front hall.

BRAD: You ready to give up?
ME: I've not yet begun to fight.
BRAD: But he's won. Anthony and he--
ME: I know, I know. But there's one thing about Scooter you don't understand.
BRAD: What's that?

With Scooter, the game is never really over.

Thou Shalt Not Hook Up

2009-08-04T18:58:00.001-07:00

Leave it to Scooter.

SCOOTER: Who doesn't leave it to me?

He's back in my life for a grand total of two hours, and he's already making things difficult.

SCOOTER: It's a good thing too.
ME: How do you figure?
SCOOTER: Your life was getting boring.

After leaving Aaron's apartment last night--having found him and Scooter post-post--I texted Scooter and asked him to meet me for lunch at an old haunting ground.

SCOOTER: So am I the Brian now?

The NC.

ME: Not a chance in Hell.
SCOOTER: How is Bri anyway?
ME: I hear Seattle's treating him well.
SCOOTER: You're the last Rhode Island hold-out. You know that, right?
ME: I wouldn't call myself a hold-out.
SCOOTER: I'd call you a lameass.
ME: Why? Because I'm not making poor choices anymore?
SCOOTER: Yes! And because ever since you stopped making poor choices, your life has gotten sooo boring.
ME: How would you know? You ran off to Boston like it was Siberia and haven't spoke to me since.
SCOOTER: I know, and I'm sorry. I got all caught up in things, but now I'm back.
ME: For the time being.
SCOOTER: It looks like I came back just in time. Aaron told me about your little school for boys.

It's not like I was trying to keep the blog from Scooter. I always send him the links to my entries, but he's not really big on reading anything that doesn't have pictures and one-syllable words.

SCOOTER: Have you actually convinced these guys that you're a goodie-goodie?
ME: I never claimed to be an angel. I just think you can learn a lot from a man who's made mistakes.
SCOOTER: Wow, they must be getting an advanced course from you then.
ME: Oooh, look who got catty.
SCOOTER: I just wonder if they know just how much fun you can really be.
ME: What are you talking about?
SCOOTER: Have you told them about the Ashton Kutcher?
ME: You've been gone too long, Scoot. I even have a Demi Moore now.
VOICE: Hey!

We turned around to see AJ coming towards us.

ME: I didn't invite AJ.
SCOOTER: No, but I did.
ME: What?
SCOOTER: I found him on your Facebook. He's cute. He's a protege too, right?
ME: Scooter, if this is going to become some sick little mission of yours to bag every one of my guys--
SCOOTER: I'm not going to bag them. I just want to fuck most of them.

Kill me.

AJ: Thanks for inviting me, Scooter. Kevin's never told me about you.
ME: For the same reason I never mentioned my many yeast infections.
AJ: Ew, you had those?
ME: It's a--never mind.

We all tried to have a merry lunch--at least, they did. I was too pre-occupied watching Scooter eye-fuck AJ and watching AJ eye-ask-for-more back.

When Scooter excused himself to go to the men's room, I laid down the law.

ME: No.
AJ: Aw!
ME: NO!
AJ: K-Brock!
ME: Ajax, it ain't happenin'. You don't know Scooter like I do.
AJ: What don't I know?
ME: He hooked up with Aaron last night. That means you'd be breaking more than one rule.
AJ: Are you serious?
ME: Dead serious.
AJ: So what is he just trying to get everybody that you're trying to help?
ME: He might be.
AJ: So I'm just a box on his checklist?
ME: Yup.
AJ: Well never mind then. Nobody uses me for sex.

Silence.

AJ: Without being really honest with me about it.

Scooter returned to the table.

SCOOTER: So, anybody want to head back to my place for a threeway?
AJ: Did you actually just say that?
ME: God, it's just like old times.
SCOOTER: Might as well put the cards on the table.
AJ: You're not going to pretend like you like me?
SCOOTER: Dude, you seem all right, but you're not really my type. I wouldn't mind having some fun with you though.
AJ: Oh.

...Please, please, please...

AJ: Let's do it.

God has forsaken me. Me and Mischa Barton.

ME: I don't believe this.
SCOOTER: Not coming, Kev?
ME: Not on your life.
AJ: See now if you had come, I might have passed. Someone has a lot to learn, K-Brock.

Scooter paid the bill, and walked out with AJ.

I better call Anthony now.

Thou Shalt Beware Blasts from the Past

2009-08-03T16:08:00.000-07:00

Aaron and I were discussing his ex-boyfriend.

ME: I didn't even know you had an ex-boyfriend.

Nowadays boys start dating before they've even left the closet.

AARON: It wasn't really a relationship...He was...
ME: He was?
AARON: Not exactly someone to be proud of--in the dating sense.
ME: So why did you date him?
AARON: There was just something about him.

Apparently the old flame was back in town for a visit.

AARON: I'm not sure what I should do.
ME: Are you worried that if you're around him again--
AARON: I'll rip his clothes off in less time than it takes him to say hello.
ME: I was going to say 'make a mistake' but okay.

We agreed that I should be there when Aaron's ex makes his grand re-entrance into his life. Since it was nice out, we grabbed an outdoor table at Paragon.

AARON: Whatever I say, don't leave me alone with him.
ME: Deal.
AARON: I think that's him rounding the corner.
ME: Okay.
AARON: God, he looks amazing.
ME: Should I--
AARON: You should get the hell out of here, that's what you should do!
ME: No can do.
AARON: I hate you! I hate you! I--Hi!

I stood up and turned around.

VOICE: No way!

Oh...boy.

ME: Scooter?
AARON: You two know each other?
ME: Uh...

(100 Dates--See: Man Whore)

ME: Yes, we do.
SCOOTER: Don't be like that. We're friends, me and Kevster.
ME: Scooter and I had...

What should I say?

Regrettable physical interaction?
Hot fun times?
An odd sort of friendship?

SCOOTER: We used to hang out.
AARON: So pretty much what we had, huh?
SCOOTER: Aw, Aaron, you know you're special.

Gee, thanks.

We all sat around and had lunch. Aaron seemed to be conducting himself pretty well. Maybe Scooter had actually failed to work his magic on someone.

ME: Well, this was great.
AARON: Yeah, it was fun.
SCOOTER: We should do it again!

We all said our good-byes, and I started walking back towards my car.

Don't ask me why, but somehow I knew I had to do the drive-by.

I can't say I was exactly surprised when I saw Scooter's car in front of Aaron's apartment building.

Knock, Knock.

AARON: Oh, hey Kev.
ME: He's here, isn't he?
AARON: I'm getting a lecture, aren't I?
ME: As soon as you put on pants.
VOICE: Hey, is that the pizza?

Yup, Scooter's back.

Thou Shalt Dance Your Ass Off

2009-08-02T23:26:00.000-07:00

My proteges are going through a bit of a dry spell.

AJ: That's because you won't let us have sex.

I've prohibited them from having sex with degenerates, losers, freaks, stalkers, and/or crazy people.

This has eliminated all their former sexual partners.

ANTHONY: This blows.

Call me a Meanie. I don't mind.

ALICIA: Kevin, I can't keep going like this. I'm on the verge of breaking out my yearbook and Facebooking guys who used to be hot in high school.

Never let it be said that I'm heartless.

AARON: I was actually going to call you something much worse.

I've decided to take my kids dancing.

AJ: We get to go back to the club?!
ME: Not exactly.

We're going real dancing--like with steps, and everything.

PAYE: Five, six, seven, eight!

My old dance teacher Paye from 100 Dates offered to have the gang step in on a class to get rid of some of their sexual tension.

AARON: The instructor is hot.
ME: I know, I dated him.
AJ: God, K-Brock, you used to unwrap it with the best of 'em.
ME: Damn straight, cubby. Now let's bust a move.
ANTHONY: It's like I'm hanging out with my mom.
ALICIA: Wait, I'm confused. Is the dance teacher straight or not?

We all partnered up, and after an hour or so, we looked almost, not quite pathetic.

AARON: Kevin! I thought you said you took this class before!
ME: I have.
AARON: You just stepped on my feet for the third time.
ME: I didn't say I learned anything. I took Spanish all throughout high school and I still only know how to say 'My name is Kevin' and 'No, like the vegetable.'

Alicia wound up with a very attractive guy, and sparks were definitely flying.

When we took a fluid break, she snuck over to me.

ALICIA: Kevin, this is a great way to meet guys!
ME: Just be careful that your hormones aren't what's making you think you like him.
ALICIA: He just told me he's a doctor who lives on the East Side and occasionally does charity work in Jamaica.
ME: Go, go now.
ALICIA: So you--
ME: Vaya con dios, Alicia! GO!

She wasn't the only one making a love connection.

ANTHONY: Pita just asked me out on a date!
ME: You mean Paye?
ANTHONY: Yeah! Can I go?
ME: Anthony, you don't have to ask my permission.
ANTHONY: Aw, thanks, Kev.
ME: Of course you can't go.
ANTHONY: What? Why not?
ME: I dated Paye!
ANTHONY: You're still on that rule?
ME: I just--why do you--YES!
ANTHONY: Well I'm going anyway. You can deal.

He walked away from me.

AARON: Are you upset?
ME: No, of course not. I'm being silly anyway. Paye was forever ago. He's a great guy. It's a good thing that Anthony and he are going to hang out.
AARON: You're still pissed, aren't you?
ME: Sooo pissed.

It's a good thing I have AJ to keep me in perspective.

AJ: K-Brock, when you dance, you look like someone invisible person is punching you in the sack.

And by "perspective," I mean--ridicules me.

Thou Shalt Not Talk HIm Up

2009-07-29T22:57:00.000-07:00

Alicia has been seeing a guy.

ALICIA: He's not a friend or the ex of a friend.

At least some people are listening to me.

ALICIA: I can't wait to tell you about him.

Although soon, I won't be listening.

ALICIA: What?
ME: Alicia, I need you to not talk about him.
ALICIA: You're kidding, right?

Why do people always ask me that?

Alicia and I were eating lunch at the Steeple, where I was still in a quandary over the "no dating ex's of friends" rule. It seemed like in a state as small as Rhode Island, steering clear of degrees of separation would be harder than it...okay, well I guess it's pretty obvious that it would be difficult.

ALICIA: Hey! Back to me!

While I pondered, I decided to give Alicia her latest lesson.

ME: Alicia, don't be that girl that only talks about the guy she's dating.
ALICIA: But I'm excited about it!
ME: Is that all you're excited about?
ALICIA: Kevin, I'm a paralegal. I eat take-out. I see seventeen movies a week. Yes, that is all I have to be excited about, sorry.
ME: I just think when you talk about a guy a lot, somehow, he senses it.
ALICIA: You mean you think he can feel me being clingy even when he's not here?
ME: Straight guys are funny like that.

That night I took Alicia out for AJ's birthday party, and had her put her conversation aversion skills to the test. Not only did I not want her to talk about the guy, I was hoping she could improve her chatting overall.

Here's how she did:

AARON: So Alicia, what have you been up to lately?
ALICIA: I've been reading up on Iran, fascinating country.
AARON: Wow, good for you.

I told her, when in doubt, mention Iran. Nobody wants to know anything about Iran, but people are impressed when you say you're interested in it.

AJ: Hey Alicia, been seeing anyone new lately?
ALICIA: I might be.
AJ: Ooohh, deets?
ALICIA: He's a great guy. I don't want to jinx it. How have you been?
AJ: Well--

The turn-around, always works.

ANTHONY: Hey Alicia, I hear you went out on a few dates with my friend Steve.

God, everybody really does know everybody.

ALICIA: Kevin, you didn't prep me for this.
ME: Go with your gut.

She turned back to Anthony.

ALICIA: Tell me he loves me.

Remind me never to tell her to go with her gut again. Next time I'll have her go with a kidney.

ANTHONY: I know he thinks you're really cool. I don't know if--
ME: She was kidding--haha--someone refill the chip bowl.

I took Alicia out onto AJ's fire escape.

ME: Alicia--
ALICIA: I know, but I can't help it. I'm excited. And I'm never excited. Why can't I just be excited about being excited?
ME: It's fine to be excited about a new relationship, but you don't want to alienate your friends by forgetting they exist just because some new flashy boy came along.
ALICIA: I wouldn't do that!

Silence.

ALICIA: Okay, yes I would.
ME: Just like anything else, it's all about balance.
ALICIA: So I promise to try and balance, I can gush a little.
ME: Oh what the hell, it's a birthday party after all.

Five minutes later...

ALICIA: So I think his right toe is supercute!
AARON: Wow.
ANTHONY: Cool.
AJ: Where's Iran?

That's why we save 'Balance' for the last lesson.

Thou Shalt Not Date the Ex of a Friend

2009-07-28T18:52:00.000-07:00

My last lesson was on dating friends.

ANTHONY: But that's not what I did!

This time we're taking on dating ex's of friends.

ANTHONY: Okay, so that's what I did.

(I promise, it doesn't get too confusing.)

Anthony was on the outs with one of his buddies, because he'd started shacking up with his friend Ram's ex.

ME: Ram?
ANTHONY: From his football days.
BRAD: Maybe I should meet this boy...to get a better handle.
ME: On him or the problem?
BRAD: I'll abstain from answering that.

Anthony met up with Wes, Ram's ex-boyfriend, at Prisms one night, and the two had ended up--you guessed it--going home together.

ME: Gee, I can't imagine why your friend would be mad.
ANTHONY: That's what I said!
ME: That was sarcasm.
ANTHONY: Why can't I date him? They're not dating anymore.
ME: This is where I go to the 'What Would the Straights Do.'
ANTHONY: Huh?
ME: What do you think would happen if a straight guy found out one of his buddies was dating his ex-girlfriend?
ANTHONY: He'd get f**ked up.
ME: Exactly. So why is it okay for a gay guy to do the exact same thing?
ANTHONY: Because...
ME: Should I get your sippy cup or are you going to give me an actual reason?
ANTHONY: What are you getting at, Kev?

Here comes the big rule, ladies and gentlemen.

ME: You shouldn't date someone your friend has dated.
ANTHONY: Kev, we live in Rhode Island. Everyone's dated everyone. If I can't date someone one of my friends have dated, who the hell am I left with?
ME: You're left with friends who don't hate you.
BRAD: And way less laundry to do once you take the sheets out of the equation.
ME: Remind me never to bunk with you for any reason.
BRAD: Oh, as if.

I was convinced that Anthony was just exaggerating, but neither he nor Brad would let this one go. They took me out to Slice to illustrate their point.

ANTHONY: See? I've either dated or been friends with someone who dated everyone here.
ME: You can't be serious.
BRAD: Actually, I'm in the same boat.
ME: God, you two are--Wait a second.

I looked around the room.

Dated
Dated
Friend Dated
Dated
Friend Dated
Friend Dated
Dated

ME: Wow.
ANTHONY: So are you gonna take back that rule?
ME: No, I just need a new angle on it.
BRAD: While you're getting a new angle, I'm getting a new drink.

There has to be a way to make this rule work.

Right?

Thou Shalt Not Date a Friend

2009-07-24T14:15:00.000-07:00

At first, I was all for it.

AJ went on a few dates with a guy he's been friends with for a few years. It seemed like a huge step forward that he was connecting with someone he already had a solid foundation-ship with, and for a short time, I couldn't have been prouder.

Then I remembered it was AJ I was dealing with...

So I Facebooked.

Doby (Yes, Doby, like Tobey and Dobby combined) is, I have to say, a disaster.

There are photos of him at every cliched gay vacation spot you can think of making out with any number of guys, and right alongside him is my little protege, AJ.

AJ: It just hit us.
BRAD: Gonorrhea?

We were all at Brad's apartment having a few drinks before going to a movie.

AJ: No--Love!
BRAD: You'd have been better off with the gono. At least it's curable.
AJ: We've been friends for all this time and then BAM! Love.
ME: And you think you have something real to build a relationship on?
AJ: K-Brock, I've already seen him naked. WMCTB?
BRAD: Non-abbreviated?
AJ: What more could there be?

Oh, amour.

ME: AJ, dating friends can sometimes be a bad idea.
AJ: I know, I know--it can ruin the friendship.
BRAD: It can also ruin furniture if you break it off over red wine.

Silence.

BRAD: Another story for another time.

Doby met us at the movie. From the moment I saw him, I knew he and AJ were perfect together.

DOBY: Oh my God, these fat people in front of me were NOT walking fast enough. That's why I'm late. Who's buying my ticket?

Which was exactly why he had to go. I was trying to cultivate a new AJ. Doby was hard-core old AJ. He was the "Good Morning, Miss Bliss" to my "Saved by the Bell."

I could see he was a bad influence during the movie when he shouted out--

DOBY: That bitch is gonna DIE!

And AJ responded with--

AJ: Totes going to die!

Now, this would be bad enough during a horror movie.

DOBY: Ooohh, she looks NASTY bald.

But we watching My Sister's Keeper.

BRAD: Cameron Diaz really needs lipo.
ME: Great. I'm seeing a movie with Catty, Bitchy, and Queen.
BRAD: I'm the Queen, right?

After the movie, I offered to drive AJ home. I let Brad deposit Doby in whatever dumpster he crawled out of for the evening.

ME: AJ--
AJ: I know, it's not going to work.
ME: I just can't believe you ever thought it would. He brings out the worst in you.
AJ: But he doesn't judge me, K-Brock. Every guy I like does. They know all about my reputation and they won't get over it.

That's when it hit me. AJ felt trapped by his past, and dating Doby was a way of saying screw it, let me just hug the damn past.

AJ: Nobody else will even give me a chance.
ME: If you promise to...let Doby down easy...I might be able to help you with that.
AJ: For riz?
ME: Proms.
AJ: Exclamation point!

Oh God, now I'm talking like him.

Thou Shalt Not Dumb It Down

2009-07-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

Aaron is intimidated.

AARON: He's completely unimpressed by my intelligence.

...By stupidity.

He met a new guy who he really liked, but it became evident pretty quickly that this guy was no...uh...

BRAD: He's an idiot.

Thank you, Brad.

The three of us were having dinner at Andrea's discussing Aaron's dilemma.

BRAD: There is no dilemma. Why would you want to date someone dumber than you are?
AARON: Isn't it just as shallow to discriminate against someone because of their intelligence quotient as it would be to judge them for their looks?
ME: That's a very good point, Aaron.
BRAD: Plus, you think he's hot, right?
AARON: Oh my gosh, totally hot.

Herein lies the problem: How do you stay smart if you're dating someone--

BRAD: Moronic.

--not quite as smart as you are?

AARON: Should I try to make him smarter?
BRAD: What are you going to do? Enroll him in an Art History course?
AARON: It wouldn't matter anyway. It almost seems like...he doesn't mind...being...not so bright.
ME: He probably doesn't. Sadly, at this period in our history, gay men are the social equivalent of Valley Girls.
BRAD: Bummer.

I know, definitely not rad, man.

AARON: So what should I do?
ME: Just be yourself.

Go-to, cliche advice, I know. But it works!

AARON: He doesn't want to see me anymore.

...Okay 'works' is a general term.

AARON: He says he doesn't 'get me.'
ME: And by 'you,' he means--
AARON: Anything I say. He says it's like listening to a zebra talk.
ME: Zebras don't talk.
AARON: I'm sure he knows that. I mean, I wouldn't bet on it, but--
ME: Aaron, if he can't appreciate you for the smartass you are, then forget him.
AARON: Is it bad that I wish I had dumbed it down just a little?
ME: Why?
AARON: So I could have gotten to sleep with him. I hear dumb guys are, like, wicked good in bed.
ME: I'm going to hang up now. Go do some math.

I hear fractions are the new cold showers.

Thou Shalt Leave More Than a Tip

2009-07-21T19:09:00.000-07:00

I have so few joys in life--

Game Shows

Good Books

Googling Myself

But now I was ready for another Heavy G.

My 25th Birthday.

BRAD: Congratulations, you're old. Where's the booze?

What better place to celebrate than Cheesecake Factory? And what better people to celebrate with than Brad and my Merry Band of Proteges?

AARON: So Kev, is this going to be another test?

ME: What do you mean, Aaron?

AJ: Come on, we know you wouldn't get us all together and not teach us some dumb lesson.

ANTHONY: Is this going to a challenge about eating better?

ALICIA: Developing our culinary tastes?

BRAD: Picking what wine to serve with...more wine?

ME: Okay, I give, but the challenge is a lot more fun than that.

That was when the waiter appeared.

WAITER: Can I start you all out with drinks?

ME: Actually, could you come back in a minute?

WAITER: Sure thing.

He went on his way, and I divulged my challenge.

ME: I want one of you to get the waiter's number.

They all looked dumbfounded...which is sort of their default look, but nevertheless...

AARON: What?

AJ: You want us to--

ANTHONY: Get Pretty Boy's number?

ALICIA: But aren't we supposed to be learning to be--

BRAD: Not slutty?

ME: That's the point. I want you to get the number without being too overt.

AJ: Uh...

ME: Obvious, Anthony.

AJ: Maybe it's obvious to you, but that doesn't mean I know what the word is. I don't have an English--Oh, it means 'obvious,' doesn't it?

BRAD: This should be rich.

Alicia raised her hand.

ALICIA: But what am I supposed to do?

ME: You're joining in.

ANTHONY: I'm not into that.

ME: I mean, you're going to try and get his number too. I did a little research before I came tonight, and it turns out Jerry--

AJ: His name is Jerry? Like Tom and Jerry?

ME: --He goes both ways. So y'all have equal opportunity.

BRAD: I'm going to need more wine.

I could see that they were going to need a little push.

ME: Hey, none of you have to participate. If you think you can't get the number---

AJ: Whoa, who said 'can't?'

ANTHONY: I could get his number.

AARON: Yeah, he's not that hot.

ALICIA: And I'm wearing my deceptive bra.

That was easy.

AARON: What do we get if we get the number?

ME: The rest of us buy your dinner.

AJ: Really?

ME: And mine, because it's my birthday.

ANTHONY: We'd have to pay for two people?

AJ: Oh, it's on now.

Let the games begin.

Player #1: Aaron

WAITER: What will you be having?

AARON: What would you recommend?

WAITER: The swordfish is good.

AARON: Have you...eaten it?

WAITER: Uh, yeah.

AARON: I see...

WAITER: So do you want it?

AARON: The swordfish?

WAITER: Yeah.

AARON: No, I don't like fish.

WAITER: Okay.

AARON: Do you hate me?

WAITER: I...um...maybe I should come back.

Wow...just wow.

Player #2: AJ

WAITER: How's your salad?

AJ: It's fantastic. Want to try some?

WAITER: I actually can't do that.

AJ: Sure you can.

WAITER: No, I can't.

AJ: Fine, be like that.

WAITER: Okay. I'll be back later to check on you.

AJ caved a little early.

Player #3: Anthony

WAITER: How's your meal?

ANTHONY: Great. Hey, don't I know you?

WAITER: No, you don't.

ANTHONY: I swear I do.

WAITER: Pretty sure you don't.

ANTHONY: You ever go to Tago's?

WAITER: Never.

ANTHONY: Boo Boo's?

WAITER: Nope.

ANTHONY: How about Dazzle?

WAITER: Is that even a place?

ANTHONY: This steak sucks.

So much for the 'Don't I know you?' approach.

Player #4: Alicia

WAITER: Would you like dessert?

ALICIA: Would you like a lady tonight?

WAITER: I'll bring the check.

...Choo Choo...Choo Choo...CRASH!

AARON: Well, that was a disaster.

AJ: At least we're not buying two dinners.

ME: What makes you say that?

ANTHONY: Kev, that was horrible.

ALICIA: Mortifying.

AJ: We failed you, K-Brock.

ME: Oh, absolutely. But you're still buying two dinners.

ALL: Huh?

They all looked down towards the other end of the table.

BRAD: Sorry guys. I guess he likes the strong, silent type.

ME: Or he's a drunk looking for a co-dependence partner.

BRAD: Either way, I'm glad I got the lobster. Cheers!

Cheers.

Thou Shalt Believe in Kevin Broccoli

2009-07-20T15:50:00.000-07:00

At first, I thought something had happened to Alicia.

BRAD: Kevin, you need to get here--now!

I could hear her crying in the background. Not unusual, but I still didn't waste time getting to Slice--where Brad, Alicia, and the other boys were waiting for me.

BRAD: Anthony couldn't come?
ME: I just left him. We were doing a crash course in why you shouldn't date your father. What's going on?
AJ: There's a shitshow going on inside.
ME: Beg your pardon?
AARON: Kevin, this guy set up--
VOICE: Allow me.

I turned around to see--who else?--Tommy, looking quite smug.

ME: Organized another circle jerk, Tommy?
TOMMY: Not quite. Didn't you see the banner?

Hanging above Slice was a banner that read "The Anti-School for Boys Party." Underneath was a photo of Alicia with a mustache drawn on her face.

No wonder she was crying--it wasn't even initially a flattering photo.

ME: This party's over.
TOMMY: What are you going to do?
AJ: We're going to go crack some heads.
ME: No, we're not. We're just going to--
TOMMY: I don't think you're going to do anything. No clever moves here, Kev. Inside that place is a large group of people--all of whom dislike you very strongly. They don't think you're cute. They don't think you're funny.
ME: They don't like to read or construct proper sentences?
TOMMY: Laugh all you want, but I know that underneath that smiling exterior, you're terrified of the idea that I can fill an entire club with people who hate your guts.
ME: So what? You think I'm just going to let you have this little assfest?
TOMMY: I don't see what choice you have. I believe this is called checkmate.
AJ: Nooooo, Checkmate is the club in Boston that--
AARON: Shut up, AJ.

I had to admit it. The idea of going into Slice and facing all those Broccoli haters...

I didn't think I could do it.

Then I looked over and saw Alicia, weeping and ruining her make-up, and I knew I had to do something. I couldn't back down after I'd spent all this time building up my proteges.

ME: I'm going in.
ALL: What?

Brad immediately tried to talk me out of it.

BRAD: You can't do this! I would have brought a video camera!

Okay, maybe "talk me out of it" was a bit--

AARON: Kevin, can't you call for some help?
AJ: Yeah! Get the Bitch Brigade in there to shake things up!
ME: No, this is something I have to do by myself.
BRAD: Really?
ME: By myself--and with Alicia.

The poor girl practically leaped off the curb.

ALICIA: Kevin, I'm not going in there. Did you not see--
ME: Alicia, we have to do this.
ALICIA: No, we don't! You made me swear off gay clubs, remember?
ME: Leave it to me to break my own rules then.
TOMMY: This could scar the girl, Kevin.
ALICIA: Kevin, no!

It was time for a battle speech.

ME: Alicia--and Aaron, and AJ--there are going to be situations that are just like this one. Scary, uncomfortable, times when you feel vulnerable and unsure of yourself. I won't always be able to be there when those times come around, but that doesn't mean you can run. It means you have to believe that even though I'm not there in person, I'm still there, because I believe in you guys. When you stand up for yourself, when you face people like Tommy here, when you walk into a room and everybody tries to push you out with their eyes, you look right back at them and you say with yours--'if you want me out of here, you're going to have to grow, come out, and say it.' It doesn't matter where you are or what you're up against, I'm right there with you, and so is everyone else who cares about you. Do you understand?

Silence

AARON: Yes.
ALICIA: Yes.
AJ: Not really.

New tactic.

ME: Angels in the Outfield?
AJ: Amazing movie.
ME: Remember how the angel wasn't really there, but they made Tony Danza think it was by having everybody in the stadium flap their wings?
AJ: Totally.
ME: While me and Alicia are in there, I need you guys to be flapping your wings.
AJ: Got it.
BRAD: I'm thinking there was head damage involved in your childhood, AJ.

The time had come.

Alicia and I walked into Slice, hands interlocked, ready to face whatever was inside.

It turned out to be...

Seven people.

ME: Uh...I'm confused.

Tommy came in right behind us, looking crestfallen.

TOMMY: A lot more people wanted to come, but it's a Sunday, so--
ME: So apparently, they hate me, but they all have to work tomorrow.
TOMMY: Pretty much.
ME: And all you could get were these seven?
TOMMY: Some of them are just here because they're club rats.
ME: Interesting.
TOMMY: But when I told them about you they agreed that you sound like a jerk.
ME: Well, that just breaks my heart.

Tommy went off to get a drink--and hopefully a ladder, to take down the banner.

ALICIA: So what do we do now?
ME: Now, we dance.

I ran back to the door to tell the others to come in, and what did I see?

BRAD: Anthony brought some ammunition.

Anthony and a small group of people all wearing "Protege" t-shirts--flapping their wings.

ME: God, I feel like Tony Danza.
BRAD: I wouldn't say you're that big a failure.

You know what? Neither would I.

Thou Shalt Not Make Room for Daddy

2009-07-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

I knew this would happen.

ME: Anthony, tell me that's not him.

ANTHONY: What? You don't think he's hot?

ME: For someone born pre-Vietnam, sure.

Anthony was about to introduce me to his new boyfriend--Gregory.

We were seated at Andrea's waiting for him to show up, when a guy old enough to be Anthony's father walked through the door.

Sure enough, that was the new boyfriend.

ME: Anthony--

ANTHONY: Kevin, age ain't nothing but a number.

ME: You know who says that? Pedophiles.

ANTHONY: Kevin--

ME: Now I know why he's late. He was trying to figure out where to park his white van.

I was being a little bit meaner than usual. The whole situation with Tommy was stressing me out, and I wasn't sure what to do about it.

ME: I'm sorry, Anthony. I shouldn't be so catty.

ANTHONY: So you approve of him?

ME: Absolutely not. I'm just going to be more civil in my disapproval.

Gregory came over and we all had our introduction. Then we sat down.

GREGORY: So Anthony tells me you're something like his--life coach?

ME: I prefer the term 'know-it-all.'

GREGORY: You're clever.

ME: Is that a bad thing?

GREGORY: No, it'll keep me on my toes.

ME: As long as their yours.

I bantered with him all night. Anthony just sat there beaming at him. When the evening was over, I walked Anthony back to his car.

ANTHONY: So you don't like the two of us together?

ME: No, and I also don't like peanut butter with onions.

ANTHONY: Huh?

ME: The two don't mix--unless you're Fred Savage in Little Monsters.

ANTHONY: Who's Fred Savage?

ME: See! You're even too young for me--let alone him!

We had reached my car.

ANTHONY: But I like him.

ME: Why?

ANTHONY: Why?

ME: Have you ever noticed that whenever someone says they like someone nobody ever asks why. That's why so many people end up dating people they're wrong for and for such long periods of time. Because nobody ever just asks--Why? Why do you like this person?

ANTHONY: I just do.

ME: Do you have a lot in common with him? Do you have long, never-ending conversations? Do you find yourself physically attracted to him?

ANTHONY: Uh...

ME: Or do you see a meal ticket with his own condo?

ANTHONY: That's not fair.

ME: All I did was ask. If the answer's unfair; that's on you.

That was when my phone rang.

ME: Hello?

VOICE: Hey, Kevin?

ME: Uh, yes.

VOICE: I hope you don't mind. I peeked through Anthony's phone while he was in the bathroom.

ME: Gregory?

ANTHONY: Gregory?

VOICE: You got me.

I hit speakerphone.

ME: So how can I help you, Gregory?

GREGORY: I thought maybe we could hang out sometime.

Before Anthony could speak, I put my hand over his mouth.

ME: Aren't you seeing my friend?

GREGORY: I think you can tell we don't connect really well.

ME: Does he not push your wheelchair fast enough around the corners?

GREGORY: You don't actually think I'm too old for you, do you?

ME: I think I see lots of attractive older men every day.

GREGORY: And?

ME: You're not one of them.

GREGORY: I'm not your type?

ME: Any man who tries to date a guy younger than him so he can control him, snoop through his phone, and try to hook up with his friends is anything but my type.

GREGORY: So you're not interested in grabbing a drink?

ME: Only if I can pour it on that cheap jacket you wore tonight. Good-bye.

I hung up.

ANTHONY: I can't believe that just happened.

ME: This is why I like Andrea's--it's right near the Ben and Jerry's.

ANTHONY: Let's go.

Over ice cream, we talked out a plan for Anthony's future dating life. It felt good to be productive, and we parted laughing, which is always nice.

Then came the text message--

BRAD: We have an emergency.

Gregory was not going to be my only problem tonight.

Thou Shalt Not Hear It Through The Grapevine

2009-07-13T16:25:00.001-07:00

I wanted to teach A.J. how to deal with rumors.

AJ: Did you tell people I pulled a knife on someone?
ME: Nooo, I told Brad to tell people that you pulled a knife on someone.
AJ: Why?
ME: Because I want to teach you how to handle gossip and other forms of verbal nastiness.
AJ: Didn't we already go over that with the Dick Clique?
ME: I think it's time you had the advanced course.

Within minutes, it was all over the blogs--okay, maybe making that plural isn't altogether honest.

"AJ Goes Cra-Zay! Pulls Knife on Prism Patrons!"

Rhyming AJ with Cra-Zay? That's the best they could do?

AJ: This sucks! Now everybody thinks I'm cra-zay!

I was at AJ's apartment, which was shrouded in black--allegedly for the demise of his social life.

ME: That means now is the time to address the rumors.
AJ: By cutting you for starting them?
ME: No! By going out and having fun.
AJ: How does that help anything?
ME: Because people expect someone who's done something wrong to hide, kind of like what you're doing now.
AJ: And I'm not going to do that?
ME: No, you're going to go out and show that you didn't do anything and make people reconsider their point of view.
AJ: Man, I'm too tired to change perspectives.
ME: Tough. Put on your dancin' shoes, Johnny. We're going out.

As soon as we walked into Prisms, the atmosphere got tense. People dodged out of our way. There were whispers everywhere. It was like showing up somewhere with Shannon Doherty.

AJ: Kevin, people are staring.
ME: You're an exhibitionist. You should be enjoying this.
AJ: What's that mean?

Remind me to make AJ's next lesson one on vocabulary.

ME: Okay, let's dance.
AJ: But shouldn't I say something?
ME: AJ, in times like these, it's impossible to stop the spreading of a rumor by denying it. You have to just go on living life and let it die by starving it of any attention.
AJ: Kind of like Heather Graham's career?
ME: There you go!

We started to dance, and before long, people were coming over and talking to us.

RANDOM GUY #1: Hey, is that rumor true?
RANDOM GUY #2: Did you really pull a knife?
RANDOM GUY #3: I knew that was a lie! I've seen you punch guys out, but a knife? That just doesn't make sense.

Soon, all was forgotten.

ME: See? Just by acting like everything's fine, everything is.
AJ: How do you know how to do that?
ME: I grew up in a partly Irish family.

That was when I looked across the room and saw Tommy approaching.

ME: Uh oh.

He looked pleased--never a good sign.

TOMMY: You know, I know a better rumor than the one you started.
RANDOM GUY #1: Who's this guy?
TOMMY: The one about the four hot messes who failed at being transformed by a washed-up small-town gay socialite.
RANDOM GUY #2: Isn't that on the CW?
AJ: Kevin, who is this guy?
ME: This is an old friend, AJ.
TOMMY: Hardly. AJ, if I were you, I'd drop out of Kevin's little school.
RANDOM GUY #3: School?
TOMMY: It's about to be shut down.

With that, he walked away.

AJ: Kev, what was he talking about?
ME: Nothing, AJ. Don't worry about it.

But even I wasn't convinced.

Thou Shalt Not Be a Doormat

2009-07-10T13:59:00.000-07:00

Aaron has a problem.

BRAD: What else is new?

Every time he goes out, he seems to get stepped on over and over again.

AARON: Kevin, it's horrible. I'll be talking to someone really cool and then this guy comes over and totally slams me.
ME: Pick a new verb.
AARON: He makes fun of me.
ME: Gotcha. What's his name?
AARON: Tommy.

Oh fan-fucking-tastic.

Take a look at how I met Tommy.

(http://100dates100boys.blogspot.com/2006/07/date-2-doing-time.html)

Good to know he's back reeking havoc on the general populace.

ME: Aaron, how do you keep running into everyone I don't like?
AARON: It's a large pool of people to draw from?

I invited Brad over Aaron's house so we could come up with strategies for taking down Tommy.

ME: You just need to level him. If he starts spouting those catty lines at you, you spout right back!
BRAD: The word 'spout' is really disturbing me.
AARON: I thought you were against being catty?
ME: I'm against AJ being catty, because he's already so good at it people know not to mess with him. They don't know that about you yet, and you don't want a reputation of being a doormat.
AARON: But I'm not good at putting people down.
ME: It's not about putting him down. It's an opportunity to raise yourself up.
AARON: You mean like saying--Hey Tommy, God loves you.
BRAD: I better get more wine. It's going to be a long night.

The next night at the club, Brad and I hung back while Aaron found a chance to talk to a guy at the bar. Sure enough, a few moments later, there was Tommy.

BRAD: He's cute.
ME: He's crazy.
BRAD: All the cute ones are.

I wasn't too worried. I'd given Aaron enough quips to fill up a Noel Coward play. Tommy said something, then Aaron replied and the guy he was talking to laughed. Tommy was instantly crestfallen and walked away.

ME: SCORE!

...Of course, he walked right over to me.

ME: Wait, the judges are deliberating on that score.

He was smiling, but I could tell he wasn't pleased to see me.

TOMMY: Hello Kevin.
ME: Hi Tommy, how are you?
TOMMY: Not thrilled. I see you're back in action with another little blog.
ME: Just a little project, nothing major.
BRAD: We're hoping to get it on HBO right after Stupid Vampires and Stupid Therapists.
TOMMY: Do your little proteges know that you're blogging about them?
ME: Nice try, Tommy, but I'm much more honest about stuff like that then I used to be. All of them know about the blog and they don't mind.
TOMMY: Really? That's great. I wonder if everybody would feel that way.
ME: I guess I picked the right four people then.
TOMMY: No, I meant everybody in the literal sense--as in EVERYBODY.

I felt my blood run cold. It's fun to think that people read what I write, but if more people in Providence knew about the blog, it would completely defeat the purpose of what I was doing.

It would be like bringing vodka into Promises.

ME: Tommy, I'd appreciate--
TOMMY: I'd appreciate reciprocation if you want me to stay quiet.
BRAD: Well look at Dr. Seuss.
ME: Stop, Brad.

Tommy was really smiling now--a rat practically fell out of his mouth.

TOMMY: I'll be in touch.

He walked away, this time for good.

BRAD: So much for not being a doormat, huh?
ME: Apparently you didn't hear the doorbell.

There's a wolf at the front door.

Thou Shalt Get Shitfaced

2009-07-09T11:20:00.000-07:00

Drinking.

BRAD: Now we're talking.

I don't do it, but I do know that a lot of people make horrific social blunders while intoxicated.

BRAD: For instance, I befriended you while drunk.

Ditto.

I decided to have the proteges get a little tipsy and then interact in a social setting. I admit, it's a little like the Cheat Locker on Dance Your Ass Off, but if my tiny birds are going to learn to fly, they better learn to do it after a few cocktails.

AARON: Kevin, I've been trying to cut back on my drinking.
ANTHONY: Pussy.
ME: Anthony!
AJ: Let's suck some back!
ALICIA: He's talking about drinking, right?

We all went out to a bar where nobody would know us--some place called Cruel or Crass or something with a "Cr-"

BRAD: Crabs, maybe?

From the looks of the place...maybe.

It took a few drinks, but pretty soon, I could see devastation looming on the horizon.

ALICIA: I should call that guy I slept with who pretended not to like me afterwards.
AJ: I should call that hot guy who licked whipped cream off me at the carnival.
AARON: I should confess my love to someone.
ANTHONY: I should throw up.
BRAD: I should have sterilized my bar stool before sitting.

Perfection.

ME: Okay kids, here's where we take all that bad drunken energy and turn it into something positive.
ANTHONY: By throwing up?
ME: Nooo--drinking and doing stupid stuff is just like any other addiction. You have to replace it with something else.
AJ: Like what?

Take it away, Miss Knight.

ALICIA: Mmm...LA...grew too much for the man...
AJ, ANTHONY, and AARON: Too much for the man, he couldn't TAKE it!

Drunken karaoke. Harmless fun, and really entertaining for those of who stay sober enough to watch it.

BRAD: I need another drink.

To each his own.

Thou Shalt Lose the Hag (Part Two)

2009-07-07T13:19:00.000-07:00

You did notice the "Part One," right?

After all, A.J. may have needed to lose his hag, but another one of my proteges needed to lose their hag status.

ALICIA: But I love my gays!

This was going to be like prying a pill bottle away from a Connecticut housewife.

ME: Alicia, nobody's saying you can't have gay friends. I just think that certain aspects of your personality need adjusting.
ALICIA: Like what?
ME: How often do you ask one of your gay friends to make out with you?
ALICIA: Not counting when I asked you an hour ago?
ME: Need I say more?

Alicia and I were hanging out at the Wild Colonial--one of the many places I was trying to get her to take to that wasn't a gay hang-out. She was doing much better, but she still had a long way to go.

ALICIA: So what rules should I be following?
ME: No calling yourself a hag.
ALICIA: Fine.
ME: No watching Will and Grace marathons on a Saturday night with some queen who couldn't get a date.
ALICIA: I could reschedule it for a Tuesday.
ME: No.
ALICIA: Kevin!
ME: No arguments. Now take out your phone.

I could see the fear in her eyes. She knew where this was going.

ALICIA: Why?
ME: I did this with my friends two years ago. It's terrifying at first, then incredibly liberating.
ALICIA: What is it?
ME: We're going to do--a phone purge.
ALICIA: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I knew I should have brought the restraints.

ME: Alicia, you have some wonderful, supportive, lovely people in your life.
ALICIA: I know.
ME: And then there's everybody else. Those are the people I want out of that phone.
ALICIA: Why?
ME: Because your life has become a crashing helicopter, and that means it's time to jettison the dead weight. Now take out the phone.

She begrudgingly brought it out, but I was already seeing tears form.

ME: It's time to remove some numbers.
ALICIA: Be gentle.
ME: Everyone who has let you buy them more than twenty dollars worth of drinks when it wasn't a special occasion in honor of them.
ALICIA: Does having a hard day at work--
ME: No.
ALICIA: Well there go the "G"s.

We proceeded to take out the other moochers, the troublemakers, the snobs, the sneer-ers, the druggies, the freaks, and everybody in the Dick Clique.

ME: How do you feel?
ALICIA: I have seven numbers left in my phone and two of them are family members.
ME: Congratulations, Alicia. You've just left Hag Country.

That was when she burst into tears.

Tears...of healing.

Thou Shalt Forget to Regret

2009-07-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

Anthony made a mistake.

ANTHONY: A big mistake.

A rather big mistake.

ME: It can't be that bad.
ANTHONY: I slept with Brad.

Oh sweet Jesus made of red velvet.

ME: I'll call you right back.

I got Brad on the phone ASAP.

BRAD: Hello, Kevin.
ME: Don't you--um--Hello me! You slept with Anthony?
BRAD: It just happened.
ME: How? Were you both at a naked party and just happened to bump into each other?
BRAD: We were at a seedy bar. We were sloppy drunk. Gaga was playing. It was just one of those situations where all the pieces fall into place.
ME: Apparently that wasn't the only thing falling into place.
BRAD: Ew, don't be crass.
ME: This is a huge setback for Anthony.
BRAD: The boy wanted to have a little bit of fun. If you beat him over the head for it, you're going to lose him again.
ME: Good-bye Brad. I'm defriending you on Facebook.
BRAD: You wouldn't dare!
ME: Temporarily. Just to teach you a lesson.
BRAD: Great. I guess I won't be able to read any more of your witty posts about life.

You know what I hate about cell phones? You can't dramatically hang up on people.

I drove over to Anthony's apartment, where Aaron and AJ were already waiting for me.

AARON: He's really upset.
ME: Brad was that bad? I mean, I know he's no Mario Lopez but--
AJ: He thinks you're going to kick him out of the club.
ME: The club?
AARON: You know, what we have.
AJ: The Proteges.
ME: Guys, it's not a club. I'm just trying to help you.
AARON: So we can't wear the t-shirts then?
ME: There are t--never mind.

I knocked on Anthony's bedroom door, and he let me in--the room still smelled a bit like Brad--a mix of expensive cologne and cheap values.

ME: How you doing, slugger?
ANTHONY: Let me have it.
ME: Have what?
ANTHONY: The speech. I know you're going to give me a speech. So just let me hear it.

I contemplated sitting down on the bed, but god only knows if they remembered to put a catch-blanket down.

ME: Anthony, this process is a lot like a diet.
ANTHONY: You're saying I'm fat and I need to diet?
ME: No, I'm saying when you mess up you can't get down on yourself. You just have to do better next time.
ANTHONY: It's just hard. I think I'm doing so well and then--
ME: You sleep with Brad.
ANTHONY: And as soon as I did it I was like--What the hell?
ME: Look, maybe I'm too hard on you guys. I don't want you to think that you can't screw up. I've screwed up. I've screwed up more things than I've gotten right.
ANTHONY: And you get over it?
ME: If it weren't for mistakes, I'd be boring. I'd rather be anything than be boring.

Anthony smiled. It was then that I noticed he was wearing a 'Protege' t-shirt.

ME: Anthony, take that off.
ANTHONY: Kevin, please, I already hooked up with someone once this--
ME: No, that's not what--never mind. Let's all get dinner.

The boys and I went out and had a great time.

It was then that I realized maybe these proteges were actually becoming my friends.

Thou Shalt Lose the Hag (Part One)

2009-07-01T11:46:00.001-07:00

I've said it a thousand times.

AJ: But Dina's my hag!

Apparently I need to say it again.

ME: It's time lose the hag.
AJ: Kev, we're best friends.
ME: Let me ask you the following questions.
AJ: Okay.
ME: Does she say that when you're thirty if you're both single you should get married?
AJ: Uh...yeah.
ME: Does she try to be overly affectionate with you to a point that's verging on discomforting while playing it off as sheer goofiness?
AJ: Uh...like, does she hang all on me and stuff?
ME: Yes.
AJ: Then year.
ME: Has she ever straight-up cock-blocked you?
AJ: OMG, totes.

Here's the big one.

ME: Has she ever referred to the two of you as Will and Grace?
AJ: Nooo!
ME: Hmm, perplexing.
AJ: We're Jack and Karen--realsies.

We have a hag, ladies and gentlemen.

ME: AJ, it's time to renegotiate this friendship.
AJ: How come?
ME: Because if it was any more unhealthy it would be covered in bacon and butter and frying in a pan.
AJ: You don't have any hags?
ME: No, I have girlfriends. Girlfriends who have boyfriends. Girlfriends who would be offended at being referred to by what the dictionary describes as--

1. an ugly old woman, esp. a vicious or malicious one.
2. a witch or sorceress.
3. a hagfish.

AJ: There's a hagfish? That's phenom.
ME: Let's have a talk with Dina, shall we?

The three of us got together at Starbucks for an intimate conversation.

AJ: Kevin says I need to snip you from my tense.
DINA: He told you to get a vasectomy?
ME: Good. I'm not the only one who can't understand a damn thing he says.

When Dina figured out what I really wanted, she was...upset.

DINA: F**K YOU!

...Okay, maybe I was downplaying that.

ME: Dina, you can't say that you like being called a hag.
DINA: Why not? It's a term of endearment.
ME: Hey, why stop there? Why not have him call you a crone too?
AJ: I kinda like that. Miz Crone.
DINA: Hahaha, I love you AJ.
ME: AHA!
DINA: What?
ME: When you said that, you meant it.
DINA: Yeah, so.
ME: Not in a friendly way. You really love AJ, don't you?

Dina started to say something, and then just nodded.

DINA: I can't help it.

We all just sat there in silence.

AJ: This is totes awk.
ME: Maybe you two should talk. I'll go walk up and down Thayer. It'll be like I'm back in high school again.

When I returned, Dina was gone.

ME: How'd it go?
AJ: We're going to take a break from each other for awhile. Dina needs to start reconfiguring her image of herself. She has really low self-value, and I think she's been living vicariously through me.

. . . . .

AJ: What? You don't watch Tyra?

Hey, whatever works.

Thou Shalt Dump the Zero and Get with a Hero

2009-06-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

Aaron went on a date.

ME: And?

It went very well.

ME: Excellent.

Only one problem.

AARON: I don't like him.

Of course.

Aaron and I were getting lunch at Paragon, and discussing his latest problem.

ME: You want to let the guy down easy?
AARON: Well, in a manner of speaking.
ME: What do you mean?
AARON: I kind of hate him.
ME: I thought you said you didn't like him?
AARON: I was being kind.
ME: So you wouldn't want to keep him as a friend?
AARON: No, otherwise I would just say that. I kind of just want him to disappear.
ME: Okay.
AARON: That's why I haven't returned his phone calls.
ME: And you haven't been returning the phone calls for...?
AARON: Um...close to two weeks.

I reacted as calmly as I could.

ME: AARON!
AARON: What?
ME: That's typical caveman behavior. I'm so disappointed in you.
AARON: Surprise, surprise.

Clearly I was going to have to use this as a lesson opportunity.

ME: If you're upfront with the guy about how you feel, you'll see that he probably feels the same way that you do.

Actually...

AARON: He told me I was wrong.
ME: What?

I was wrong, and apparently so was Aaron. He went home after our lunch and tried to be straight with his No-Go (pardon the pun) about how he felt.

The No-Go wasn't having it.

AARON: He said that I couldn't know after one date that we're not good together.
ME: So he rejected your rejection?
AARON: Yup.
ME: This is very Seinfeld.
AARON: I'm aware. Should I try again?
ME: No, I think this calls for some brutal truth.
AARON: You're going to have Brad coach me?
ME: You got it.

I made sure Brad was there that night when Aaron and I convened at his apartment. He put No-Go on speaker phone. The idea was to have Brad coach him by whispering into his non-phone ear. I would write my suggestions down on a piece of paper. Between the three of us I was pretty sure we could dispatch of this guy and still have time to hit up karaoke.

AARON: Hey.
NO-GO: Hey Cutie! When am I seeing you again?
BRAD: Never.
ME: (Writing) NO! Say 'That's the thing...'
NO-GO: You there?
AARON: That's the thing.
BRAD: Do you want my help or not?
ME: (Writing.) Fine.
BRAD: Tell him you're seeing someone else.
AARON: I'm seeing someone else.
NO-GO: Haha, you're totally lying.
BRAD: Wow, that was creepy.
NO-GO: How about I just pop by your apartment?
BRAD: If you do--
AARON: If you do--
BRAD: --There will be two naked men here on top of me.
AARON: There will be--WHAT?
ME: (Writing.) I'm sorry, but I just don't think that would be a good idea.
AARON: I don't think that would be a good idea.
NO-GO: Only one way to find out.

Click.

ME: Dear God.
BRAD: Welcome to Fatal Attraction.
AARON: He's on his way over here!
BRAD: How does he know where you live?
AARON: We hung out here after our first date.
ME: But you said the date didn't go well.

Silence.

ME: You slept with him, didn't you?
AARON: I didn't say he was ugly though!
ME: You cannot sleep with someone and then try to blow them off! That makes this whole thing really wrong.
BRAD: In the words of Cameron Diaz in that awful film Vanilla Sky, 'You came in me four times. That means something.'
ME: I forgot how ridiculous that movie is.

A short while later, No-Go did, in fact, show up.

ME: You have got to be kidding me.

Of course, I knew him.

CLINGY DINGY: You know Kevin?

http://100dates100boys.blogspot.com/2006/11/date-43-clingy-dingy.html

AARON: He's a friend. And this is Brad?
BRAD: I'm just an alcoholic.
CLINGY DINGY: That's cool. Would you guys mind if I had some alone time with my boyfriend?
AARON: Your boyfriend being--?
CLINGY DINGY: You silly!
ME: Aaron, could I see you for a second before I leave you and your boyfriend alone?
AARON: Yes, yes, and yes.

I brought Aaron into the bathroom and explained to him how to dispose of Clingy Dingy.

ME: Just come onto him as strong as he's coming onto you.
AARON: Are you sure that'll work?
ME: Yes, and by the way, he's not nearly cute enough to justify a fling.
AARON: Can we work on raising my expectations some other time? He's about to maul me!
ME: Just remember what I said.

Brad and I made our departure as Clingy Dingy was measuring Aaron's apartment to see where he could put his couch once they moved in together.

BRAD: That is one scary boy.
ME: You have no idea.

An hour later I got the call.

AARON: It worked.
ME: Excellent.
AARON: Thanks so much.
ME: Did you use the Jeb Bush line?
AARON: No, I swapped it out for Glenn Beck.
ME: I don't recall giving you creative licensing.
AARON: Haha, you're the best, Kev.
ME: Only one question: Why did it take an hour to get rid of him?

Silence.

ME: You didn't.
AARON: Oh no! I think I hear my oven. My biscuits must be done.
ME: You mean your tramp biscuits?
AARON: Gotta go!

One step at a time, one step at a time...

Thou Shalt Read Something Other Than a Witty Blog

2009-06-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

I didn't think this was going to be easy.

AARON: No.

I assumed they'd fight me on it.

AJ: No.

I expected hesitation.

ANTHONY: No way.

I even thought there'd be crying.

ALICIA: Kevin--wahhhh...

Mostly because I know Alicia.

BRAD: You can't be serious.

All this just to start--

ALL: No!

--A Book Club.

ME: So, let's talk about the book.

I decided that my proteges needed to educate themselves a bit. Part of the reason they never have anything to talk about with anyone is because their entire cultural frame of reference consists of VH1 and clips from The Soup.

AARON: What if we didn't read the book?
ME: I guess we move on to the talent portion of the afternoon.
AARON: Really?
ME: No, Aaron! It's a Book Club. Reading the book is sort of essential.

I had everyone--including Brad--meet me at the local Barnes and Noble after giving them two weeks to read one of my favorite books--Christopher Rice's A Density of Souls.

Unfortunately, there was a little too much density and a massive lack of soul.

AJ: I read, like, the first chapter.
BRAD: Ha!
ME: Brad, maybe he did.
BRAD: AJ, when you say first chapter--
AJ: Fine, the first page.
BRAD: Really?
AJ: The first line. It sounded boring.
ME: At least you didn't try and fake it by quoting from the back cover.
ANTHONY: Damn! How did you know I was going to do that?

I turned to Alicia. I knew she wouldn't let me down.

ALICIA: Um, I sort of, read something else.
ME: Oh, well...that's okay. A Book Club is meant to be a place of sharing.
AARON: In that case, can we talk about this guy I--
ME: Sharing about books, Aaron! Books!
AARON: Sorry.
AJ: Apparently books make you bitchy.
ME: Alicia, you have the floor.
BRAD: I wish I had a mimosa.

Alicia took a magazine out of her bag.

ALICIA: Have you guys read US Weekly?
ME: Alicia! That's not a book.
ALICIA: But it's reading.
ME: No it's not!
ALICIA: Kevin, there are articles.
BRAD: Tell us, Alicia, whose fat this week?
ALICIA: Brooke Hogan.
AJ: Please, that bitch is fat every week.
ME: AHHH!

Everyone in the B&N Cafe turned and looked at me. I decided I needed to try a different approach.

ANTHONY; We're in trouble. I can tell. He's got that look on his face like he just peed himself.
BRAD: Know that look well, do you, Anthony?

I stood up.

ME: Since none of you read this book--and since you clearly have no intention of reading it or anything else that has more substance to it than the back of a ketchup bottle--I might as well tell you what you missed.
BRAD: Lots of intellectual rambling?
AARON: A convoluted storyline?
AJ: Big words like convoluted?
ANTHONY: A plot and shit?
ALICIA: Whatever it was it CANNOT be as good as what Kate from Jon and Kate was wearing on--
ME: Sex.

That shut them up--I smiled.

ME: You missed gay sex, straight sex, murder, floods, depravity, sin, grudges, revenge, scandal--and not one, but four twists.

They looked at each other wondering if they'd made a mistake.

ME: You see I picked this book because I wanted to get you guys excited about reading and enlightening yourselves. Expanding your horizons. But I knew if I just shot you out of the Jane Eyre cannon, you'd have been turned off. So I started you out with something more to your liking, but you all decided to pass on it. Fair enough.

I dropped a copy of the book on the table. Then I drove the knife into their hearts.

ME: Oh, and I forgot to mention. The whole thing takes place in New Orleans--dirty, hot, sultry New Orleans.

As I turned and started walking away, I caught them out of the corner of my eye--grabbing and pulling at the book I left on the table like wild beasts going at a deer carcass--wanting to find out what happened in it.

Now that's how you get kids excited about summer reading.

Thou Shalt Ignore Thy Foolish Heart

2009-06-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

I see this problem often with girls.

GIRL #1: But my heart's telling me he's the one.
GIRL #2: My heart aches for him.
GIRL #3: Am I supposed to just ignore my heart?

ANSWERS:

Your heart is lying.
Your heart needs to get over it.
Yes, yes, yes.

It only stands to reason that Alicia would want to take a cue from her foolish heart.

ALICIA: Kevin, why would my heart hurt this much if it weren't for a reason?
ME: Your heart isn't hurting. Your brain is hurting because you're depriving it of stimulation by focusing all on your time on an idiot.

Harsh, I know. But she needs to hear it.

Alicia went on a date with a guy, who following the date, refuses to respond to her phone calls AND (the kicker) defriended her on Facebook.

ME: Honey, he's gone. He's long gone. He's in social Siberia for all intents and purposes.
ALICIA: But then why do I still care about him?
ME: Because you've seen too many movies and you think that if you care about someone enough eventually some sort of magical screenwriter in the sky will put the two of you together.
ALICIA: So you're saying I shouldn't have watched 'Maid in Manhattan' last night?
ME: Nobody should EVER watch 'Maid in Manhattan.' Ever.

I decided to demonstrate what I was talking about since Alicia is more into visuals--especially visuals of Care Bears.

We were at her apartment where she had sequestered herself in her bedroom. I opened up her window, checked to make sure there was nobody underneath it, then took the glass of water on her nightstand and poured it out the window.

ALICIA: Hey!
ME: That's what it's like when you focus on a guy who isn't focused on you. It's like pouring good water out the window. It doesn't go anywhere. It doesn't magically land back in your mouth. It's just gone.
ALICIA: That was actually Sprite and Vodka.
ME: Okay, so that was a more expensive lesson than I had intended. I apologize.
ALICIA: But I get what you mean.
ME: Alicia, the key point here is that while you've been locked away in this room, you could have been missing opportunities to meet better guys than the one you lost.
ALICIA: I just don't feel like there is a better guy.
ME: Okay, are you ready for me to blow your mind?
ALICIA: Sure.

I took a deep breath.

ME: There's always someone better.
ALICIA: No, but--
ME: No, there's ALWAYS someone better.
ALICIA: What about when you're married to someone for thirty years?
ME: Still someone better.
ALICIA: What about Johnny Depp?
ME: Someone better.
ALICIA: What about George Clooney?
ME: Yeah, that's the top, but other than him, always someone better.

Alicia sat right up in bed, tossing aside her Spongebob plush toy. (What do you call a Peter Plan complex in a girl?)

ALICIA: So even when we do find someone we're settling?
ME: Hey, some settlements are great. Not Roanoke, but you know, other ones. Some are deals! That's what you're trying to do. You're trying to find the best deal. But the nice thing is, when the deal goes sour, there's always another deal. You just have to be willing to walk.

I stood up and held out my hands.

ME: Are you ready to walk away from this deal?
ALICIA: Kevin, is this where I give you my suitcase?
ME: Metaphorically, yes.

She gave me her hand, and I helped her up.

Then we went to get a drink, since I sort of owed her one.

Thou Shalt Start with the Man in Thy Mirror

2009-06-26T14:14:00.000-07:00

If my life were an Elton John song, it would be 'Levon.'

ANTHONY: Huh?

But if this particular moment in my life were an Elton John song, it would be 'Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word.'

ANTHONY: Okay, that makes more sense.

After leaving Anthony seventeen voicemails a day (don't think you can out-stalk me, it's impossible) he finally agreed (aka was eroded enough) to see me.

ME: I'm sorry that I accused you of only wanting friends for orgies and alcoholism.
ANTHONY: That's not exactly how you put it, but I accept your apology.
ME: I just think you're a great guy. You deserve a better quality of life.
ANTHONY: But Kevin, I've done everything you've told me to do, and my life keeps getting worse.
ME: That's because you still have so much baggage left over from your Mean Girl days.
ANTHONY: And what am I supposed to do about that?
ME: What any recovering addict does--

Apologize.

ANTHONY: Oh no. I'm Italian. We don't believe in apologizing. We believe in grudges and hair gel.
ME: You don't have to apologize to everyone. I just think it would be nice if you offered some sort of...um...offering. A peace offering.
ANTHONY: How?
ME: Well...

We wound up at karaoke. Without telling Anthony, I signed him up to sing. When he found out, he was less than pleased.

ANTHONY: How is this an apology?
ME: It's an apology through song.
ANTHONY: I'm going to make an idiot out of myself.
ME: That's the point! People will see that you're not trying to hold onto this ridiculous image anymore. Plus, they can laugh at you, which always helps the forgiveness process.
ANTHONY: I don't know, Kev...
ME: I'll be right behind you.
ANTHONY: Supporting me?
ME: Yes...and doing back-up.

Before the music even started, I had assembled a small group of supporters to give Anthony the ummph, he needed.

BRAD: Ummph?
ME: Just shut up and cheer.

The rest was going to be up to him.

VOICE: Next up--Anthony!

Mild applause, until I shot my table looks and then everyone cheered. Assembled were Brad, myself, AJ, Aaron, and Alicia.

ALICIA: After this, can I sing 'Dirty Diana?'
ALL: No!

'I'm going to make a change...'

The second he started, I knew he had it. The crowd loved him. The same group of people that had been giving him dagger eyes at Pride were smiling and singing along.

At one point in the song, Anthony looked over at me and gave me the thumbs up.

It was a little bit like The Sandlot...and...um...

Great. I can't even think of The Sandlot without crying.

Let's just say I'm glad I got my protege back.

Thou Shalt Not Be A Catty Bitch (Wrong Blog)

2009-06-25T11:25:00.000-07:00

I feel I may have contributed to this problem.

AJ: Did you see that lazy eye? Tragedy.

Catty.

AJ: Did you see those shoes? Tragedy.

Bitchy.

AJ: Did you see his boyfriend? Tra-ge-dy.

Queens.

AJ: No me gusta that haircut. Tragedio.
ME: That's not Spanish for tragedy, AJ.
AJ: Whatev's.

AJ and I were shopping at the mall, and it seemed like he had a comment for every guy that walked by us. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to try and rid of him of his CBQ-ness.

AJ: But I like being this way! It shows that I'm witty and confident.
ME: When done right, it does. When done poor, as you do it, it makes you sound like a Chuck Bass knock-off.
AJ: Isn't that the point?
ME: AJ, everyone's a little catty from time to time, but you do need to know when to flip the switch. You sound defensive when nobody's even on the offense.
AJ: So you're saying I should be nicer?
ME: I'm saying that when you're bitchy, it makes it harder for people to approach you, especially nice people.
VOICE: You should talk.

We both turned around--

ME: Oh damn.

--And there was Miles.

MILES: You coin the damn term and then you try to get the boy to quit it? Are you for real?
ME: I'm sorry. I didn't realize we were shopping at the Crab Shack.
AJ: Kevin--
ME: I mean, hi Miles. How are you?
MILES: See? Even you can't cut out the bitchiness.
ME: Of course I can, but there's no point wasting kindness on steadfast assjockeys.
AJ: Forget it. I'm not quitting if you're not.
ME: OKAY! Okay. I'm quitting.
MILES: Really? Hey guys!

Sure enough, the Dick Clique was within walking distance.

MILES: Look who I just ran into here at the Crab Shack.
LOGAN: I thought this was a Borders?
ME: Hi guys, how are you?
MATT: Better than those jeans you're wearing.

Oh boy.

ME: AJ, why don't we head out?
AJ: No way. I want to see how you handle this without being bitchy.
ME: It's like you're asking me to handle a crockpot without oven mitts.
AJ: If you can't do it, how am I supposed to?

Time to put my moxy where my mouth is, I guess.

PRYCE: So, where did you buy that shirt? TJ Maxx?
ME: Actually, it was on sale at--

I wanted to say--Your Mother's Brothel, but I bit my lip.

ME: Never mind.
RICKY: Those glasses make you look like The Nutty Professor.

Okay, time for a new approach.

ME: Don't forget the bad teeth, scrawny physique, and oddly shaped head.
MILES: Huh?
ME: Just thought I'd mention what you forgot.
LOGAN: Uh...
ME: Anything else?
MILES: No, we're going. We have reservations.
AJ: Where? At the--
ME: AJ!
AJ: Church?
ME: Amen.

The Dick Clique took off.

AJ: You don't have an oddly shaped head.
ME: That was to throw them. Let's get dinner.

In the meantime, I have to go buy some new clothes.

Thou Shalt Go Long

2009-06-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

Aaron is on a bad date.

AARON: I actually love toenails. Different shapes and stuff...

Luckily, it doesn't matter.

AARON: How some look like little slivers...

Because we're in New Hampshire.

AARON: Like...crescents.

Thank God.

I took Aaron to New Hampshire to do some dating practice. In a state as small as Rhode Island, a few bad dates can haunt you for a long time. That's why it's a good idea to get some out-of-state dating done.

AARON: How was that?
ME: I'm thinking of taking you to Montana. I don't think you can date anymore in New Hampshire after that.
AARON: Hey!
ME: Toe slivers?
AARON: He mentioned toenails.
ME: No, you misheard him, he said 'go sailing.'
AARON: Ohhh, that does make more sense.

So far, Aaron has been on dates with guys from Massachusetts, Connecticut, and even New York (that one was around Pride Time when gays from every nearby state flock to wherever the nearest Speedo competition is.)

AARON: I'm a failure.
ME: That's why we're doing this. So you can fail without repercussions.
AARON: I just get so nervous.
ME: Why?
AARON: Because I can never think of anything to say.
ME: So let them talk and just jump in when you feel inspired.
AARON: I'm just boring.
ME: Aaron, you can talk to me without any problems.
AARON: That's different. I'm not trying to date you.
ME: Well, here's an idea.

I stopped off at a nearby coffee shop. We got out and went inside, but Aaron didn't know what I was up to. Once we were seated, I took out a pad and paper, and gave him a look.

AARON: What?
ME: Talk.
AARON: Talk?
ME: Yes. Talk now, while you're not nervous, and I'll write down key points you seem comfortable discussing.
AARON: But now I'm nervous!
ME: You must want to talk about something!
AARON: Can we talk about Anthony and how he hates you now?
ME: Sure.
AARON: Really?
ME: If it helps.

Anthony hadn't talked to me since Pride. I hate having people be mad at me. I know it's not cool to care if someone's angry with you, and I know I do enough to inspire hatred, but that doesn't change the fact that it unsettles me.

We talked about Anthony, and that went into talk about friendships, relationships, things that make us feel guilty, our love of Jeopardy, how our love of Jeopardy makes us feel guilty...

Before long, I filled up my pad.

ME: See that? Now you have conversation points you can hit.
AARON: Are toenails on there?
ME: No, I think we're going to put 'toenails' on the black list next to STD's and crimping hair.
AARON: Fine by me.
ME: So this helps?
AARON: This is fantastic. You're fantastic. Thank you.

Well, at least somebody still likes me.

Thou Shalt Be Gay and Proud

2009-06-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

I knew this was a bad idea.

AARON: Kevin, I'm scared.

I'm not even halfway through the challenge, and already I'm faced with a Mid-Term.

AARON: What if I run into the DC?

One word.

AJ: We're about to get toasty, y'all.

Pride.

BRAD: Oh, I can't wait to see how you handle this one.

I had a plan. The plan was to make sure none of the boys got kidnapped by deranged roofiers, spun around on coffee tables, or engaged to a Kardashian.

ME: Where's Aaron?
ANTHONY: He was here a second ago.

Five minutes after arriving at Prisms' Block Party, I was already failing.

It seemed essential that the boys be able to go to Pride. After all, what good was I doing in making these boys be productive members of the gay community if I couldn't even let them be AROUND the gay community?

Still, Pride is not known for being a conducive environment when it comes to rehabilitation.

AJ: Hey K-Brock, the bartender says he'll give me a free drink if I show him my--
ME: Brad, watch AJ. I have to go find Aaron.

Aaron ended up being on the dance floor, or as I like to call, the Tenth Circle of Hell. Prisms isn't nearly large enough to accommodate the number of people trying to squeeze themselves inside, so the dance floor ends up resembling a clown car.

A very gay clown car.

I managed to work my way over to Aaron, who looked frantic.

AARON: Kevin! I don't know what happened!
ME: You got sucked into the gay vortex!

I grabbed his hand, aimed for the door, and propelled myself forward.

Outside, I managed to locate Anthony.

ME: How you doing, slugger?
ANTHONY: Everyone keeps shooting me dirty looks. I think the Dick Clique has been spreading it around that I'm not a part of their group anymore.
ME: If someone shoots you a dirty look, shoot them a smile. It disarms people.

He tried it. The person flipped him off.

ME: That's it. I'm never reading Emily Post again.
AARON: Where's AJ?
ME: I left him with Brad.
VOICE: You did?

I turned around to see Brad sipping a drink.

ME: Brad, where's AJ?
BRAD: He ran inside.
ME: And you didn't go after him?
BRAD: And risk spilling my drink?

I took a deep breath, and barreled back into the club. I couldn't find AJ on the dance floor, but when I went up to the second floor for air, I saw him about to duck into a men's room with some guy who looked like Lon Chaney's body double.

ME: AJ!
AJ: Ohhh, hey Kev.
ME: Where are you going?
AJ: This guy wanted to show me his tattoo.
ME: You mean the one he got in prison?
AJ: Kevin--
ME: Let's go.

A few minutes later we were outside again. I found Aaron and Brad dancing--a little too closely, I might add.

ME: I hope you two aren't planning on making out, because I don't think my heart can take it.
BRAD: I'm so drunk; I can't even understand you.
ME: Where's Anthony?
AARON: Uh...
BRAD: Take a guess.
ME: Inside?
AARON and BRAD: Yup.
AJ: I can go get him!
ME: Sorry, AJ, he's not in the men's room...I hope.

Round Three: Anthony was inside on the box. I paid a shotboy five dollars to get down on all fours so I could use him as a mounting device to get up onto the--

Did I just say 'shotboy' and 'mounting device' in the same sentence?

ME: Anthony, what are you doing?
ANTHONY: I'm trying to have fun. Do you want to explain to me why that's a bad thing?
ME: I just want to make sure you're okay.
ANTHONY: Of course I'm not okay! I have no friends! I have no boyfriend! Everyone hates me! And guess who I blame?

Well, knock me off the box, why don't you?

ME: Anthony, I know this transition is rough--
ANTHONY: Kevin, I liked my life. I liked it a lot. Maybe it wasn't much, but it was fun.
ME: And what were you planning on doing once the fun stopped?
ANTHONY: Huh?
ME: You know, there is a point where orgies with people you call your friends and drinking yourself into a stupor gets kind of old.
ANTHONY: Well I hadn't reached that point yet, but thanks for making me leave the party early.

He hopped down from the box.

ME: ANTHONY!

But he just kept walking.

And I couldn't help but wondering...

Did I just lose one of my boys?

Thou Shalt Not Talk Dirty

2009-06-20T09:34:00.000-07:00

Alicia is trying to be sexy.

ALICIA: Oh, I could show you a good time.

She's failing.

ALICIA: A really good time.

She's really failing.

ALICIA: Well you know, I used to be a gymnast.

Oh dear God...

I went out with her to a single's night at a local bar to see how she converses with guys. What I found horrified me.

SINGLE GUY: Are you enjoying your drink?
ALICIA: Oh yeah. I can fit this whole bottle in my--
ME: TIME OUT!

I dragged her into the nearest restroom.

Men's Room? Women's Room? Who cares? I take the Ally McBeal approach to that whole thing.

ME: I'm sorry. I thought I was out with my friend Alicia tonight. Not a castoff from Charm School!
ALICIA: You told me to be more outgoing.
ME: I'll have to get a thesaurus because I don't remember outgoing being a synonym for slutty.
ALICIA: You told me that a girl shouldn't be afraid of her sexuality.
ME: Yes, but insinuating that you can swallow an entire bottle of beer while you slide your tongue over the label is not the same thing as embracing your sexuality.

She burst into tears.

I never have this problem with Anthony.

AJ? Sometimes. Not gonna lie.

ME: Alicia, there's a way to be sexy and not be--
ALICIA: A ho-bag?
ME: Yes.
ALICIA: How?
ME: First off, sexy is all about not trying. Girls who pose. Girls who flip their hair. Girls who do the nod and smile. None of it works.
ALICIA: I've done it before and had it work.
ME: Work in the sense that the guy went home with you, slept with you, and never called again?
ALICIA: I--Wait, is that considered 'not working?'
ME: Let's do some exercises.

This is where my theater degree comes in handy--I can now improvise flirting with girls.

ME: Hi, I'm Kevin.
ALICIA: Wanna screw?
ME: ALICIA!
ALICIA: I was kidding.
ME: Okay, try again.
ALICIA: I'm Alicia, nice to meet you.
ME: You have really gorgeous eyes.
ALICIA: You're a tool.
ME: Good. That was me trying to trick you.

This girl is a bit more savvy than I gave her credit for--thank God.

ME: Are you into sports? You look pretty athletic.
ALICIA: I'm also very flexible.
ME: No.
ALICIA: No?
ME: Too much.
ALICIA: Okay.
ME: I would say--'I like to keep active.'
ALICIA: 'I like to keep active.'
ME: Yeah, so do I.
ALICIA: Keeps me out of trouble.
ME: No.
ALICIA: I definitely lead an active lifestyle.
ME: Sounds like you're a hooker.
ALICIA: But I can always find the time for a nice coffee date.
ME: Not bad.

That was when a guy walked into the restroom.

RANDOM GUY: Sorry--
ME: Oh! This is the men's room.
RANDOM GUY: Uh, it is?
ME: Yeah, my friend here is a drag queen.
RANDOM GUY: Dammit! I knew my friends were lying when they said this was a straight bar! Why did I let them plan my bachelor party? Dammit!

And he walked out.

ME: Okay, ready for some live practice?

Alicia got progressively better with her flirting as the night went on, and by the end, she had a few dates lined up.

ALICIA: Not bad, huh?
ME: Not bad? That was great. You're a fast learner.
ALICIA: Oh, you bet I'm a fast--
ME: And you've relapsed.
ALICIA: Great. My love life is becoming exactly like my diet.

Hey, the girl's actually funny.

I think I can work with that.

Thou Shalt Ditch the Dick Clique

2009-06-19T14:24:00.001-07:00

You've seen them every time you go out somewhere.

ANTHONY: Kevin...

A tight little clique.

ANTHONY: Don't.

A small, solid wall of people that move about like a tank on a battlefield.

ANTHONY: These are my friends you're talking about, Kevin.

And you always wish--

ME: Anthony, I have a theory.

--You could find a way to break them up.

ANTHONY: Is this like your theory on Lost? Because I'm pretty sure they're not all stuck in a snow globe.
ME: Well, I guess we'll see about that, won't we?

I was out to dinner with Anthony on Thayer Street, and I had decided to go the next step in helping him because a grown-up.

ANTHONY: What's your theory about my friends?

The plan involved ditching Regina and her band of bitches--otherwise known as his friend Miles and their band of...well...bitches.

ME: My theory is that you're not meeting any nice guys because whenever you go out your friends create a fortress around you that's impenetrable.
ANTHONY: I think your theory is wrong.
ME: Only one way to find out.
ANTHONY: How?
ME: Fly solo for the night.
ANTHONY: You want me to go out by myself?
ME: Not exactly.

Luckily for me, one of Anthony's friends was having a sex toy party (don't ask) which meant he could see Slice through bitch-free glasses.

ANTHONY: Didn't you say I should go to clubs less?
ME: I don't care where you go, as long as you're open to meeting new people.
ANTHONY: I am!
ME: Maybe, but your friends aren't.
ANTHONY: You have no right to say that.
ME: Let's examine the evidence.

Meet the Dick Clique

MILES: Head Bitch, Wants to Sleep w/Anthony
LOGAN: Miles' Boyfriend, Always Drunk

-- And they fight constantly...in public --

ANTHONY: Hey, how many successful gay relationships do you know of?
ME: You call that a success? What would you consider a military success? Waterloo?
ANTHONY: Go on.

MATT: Wants to sleep with Anthony
PRYCE: Wants to sleep with Anthony
RICKY: Wants to sleep with Anthony, Miles, Logan, or Pryce

See where I'm going with this?

ME: You call that a group of friends? Because I call it an orgy waiting to happen.
ANTHONY: Look, we're all gay. Of course we're going to be attracted to each other. Aren't you attracted to your friends?
ME: No, but then again, I'm friends with Brad.
ANTHONY: What's wrong with my friends thinking I'm cute?
ME: Because one day you might not be cute, but you'll still need friends.

That was the line that convinced him to come out with me.

ANTHONY: But if my friends find out about this--
ME: C'mon, what are the odds?

I know, I know--famous last words.

Within a few minutes at Slice, Anthony was bombarded with people saying hello.

ANTHONY: It's so weird. I've seen so many of these people before but they never said hi. I just thought they were snobs.
ME: You realize they might have been thinking the exact same thing about you.
ANTHONY: I've already made two coffee dates. This is awesome.
ME: See what happens when you trust me?
ANTHONY: I'm going to get beat up.
ME: I wasn't thinking of that but--
ANTHONY: Kevin, my crew just walked in.

Apparently, the sex toy party was a bust--if you've seen one vat of grape jelly lubricant you've seen them all--and the Dick Clique had decided to see what was happening downtown.

ANTHONY: I'm screwed.
ME: Relax, you're allowed to hang out with different people, aren't you?

As if I didn't already know the answer to that question.

The DC hobbled right on over to us. They were a little tipsy, and by tipsy, I mean shattered, which is when you're wasted AND trashy.

MILES: Well, well, well...
ANTHONY: Hey Miles.
MILES: Thought you were staying in tonight.
ANTHONY: I changed my mind.
MILES: Didn't want to call us though, huh?

The other members of the Dick Clique hung back, preferring to let their leader eat Anthony alive.

That's when I decided to step into the mix.

ME: Anthony's just having some fun, but now that you guys are here, we can all have fun.
MILES: I'm sorry, Puffenstuff, was I talking to you?

Or maybe not.

ANTHONY: Miles, I'm just hanging out with a friend. I can have more than you guys as friends, right?

The DC members all looked at each other as if he'd just asked them to do long division.

MILES: Hey, do what you want, and so will we.
ANTHONY: What's that supposed to mean?
MILES: It means maybe we don't want to hang out with you if you're going to shack up with the Billy the Blogger over here.
ME: Wait, is that me?
ANTHONY: Kevin's my friend, that's all. If you guys are my friends, you'll respect that.

I wanted to cheer for Anthony, but that was when Miles turned his glare on me.

MILES: What are you making over the whole city?
ME: Nooo, some people I just marked for demolition.
MILES: Oohh, someone's getting catty.
ME: If you want catty, I can give you catty.

The DC looked ready to fight.

MILES: You going to take us all on?
ME: No, that's why I have back-up.
MILES: Huh?

Thank God I'd sent out a text message as soon as I saw the Dick Clique walk into the place. I could already feel the boys behind me.

DAVIS: Is there a problem here, Kevin?
CARTER: We heard there were might be a brawl.
ME: No, guys, I've been teaching my proteges that violence is not the answer.
RITCHIE: Yeah, we could always just put you guys on the list.
MILES: What list?
DAVIS: The list of guys no club in this town will serve if I tell them not to.

That's when I saw Miles start to shake.

MILES: We're out of here. You're finished, Anthony.
ANTHONY: Fine. I'm done with you guys anyway.
RICKY: Whatever! I mean, if you want to meet up for drinks once in a--
MILES: Ricky! Let's go.

They took off, but before they made it to the door, a few bouncers grabbed them and tossed them out of it onto the sidewalk.

ME: Davis?
DAVIS: Ohh, I might have told them to do that. Oops.

We all had a great rest of the night, but I was a little nervous that Anthony would be hurt at losing his friends.

ANTHONY: Friends? Those weren't friends. You're my friend, K-Brock.
ME: Anthony, that's so sweet.
ANTHONY: You know how I know you're my friend?
ME: Because I look out for you.
ANTHONY: That, and I never want to sleep with you.

So much for the Hallmark moment.

Thou Shalt Abstain from Clubbing

2009-06-16T11:27:00.000-07:00

Let me show you AJ's schedule:

Monday: Prisms--College Night.
Tuesday: Slice--Cowboy Night.
Wednesday: Prisms--80's Night.
Thursday: Slice--Goth Night.
Friday: Prisms--Techno Night.
Saturday: Prisms--Top 40 Night.
Sunday: Slice--Nobody actually knows what happens on Sunday nights at Slice, but everybody always leaves covered in grape jelly.

AJ: But I have to go out! It's Friday!

I was about to expose AJ to something other than clubbing.

In general, all my proteges were ill-versed in any sort of socializing that doesn't involve walking around shirtless and making out with strangers.

That was all about to change.

ME: I didn't say you weren't going out.
AJ: Oh, okay, because Chet's going out tonight and I want to see his new boyfriend.
ME: That tool already has a new boyfriend?

I haven't checked Vogue in awhile--is an idiot the new accessory for Summer '09?

AJ: Yeah, and I totes have to check him out.
ME: You totes don't. All you need to do is say a prayer of thanks that you're not dating that nimrod anymore.
AJ: Nimrod?
ME: I'm trying to bring it back.
AJ: Not happening, K-Brock.

Now time to drop the bomb.

ME: We are going out, but we're not going to the club.

AJ looked like I'd just told him it was possible to have a baby without having sex.

AJ: I'm confused.
ME: We're going to go somewhere else.
AJ: Where?
ME: Believe it or not, there are these places people go that aren't Slice or Prisms, that are still a lot of fun.
AJ: You're going to take me to a carnival?
ME: After hearing the things you've done on a ferris wheel? No chance.

At around seven, I drove us up to Newport.

In the car, AJ was getting shaky. It must have been the club withdrawal.

AJ: I'm going to miss sooo much.
ME: Like what? What ever happens any time you go out that is so earth-shattering?
AJ: Um, last week, this guy fell off the box and landed on this fat chick.
ME: Well, as riveting as that sounds, I think we can do a little better.
AJ: Why is it such a big deal that I go somewhere else?
ME: Because right now, your entire mindframe is centered around clubbing. I've never even heard you talk about anything else.
AJ: That's not true! I try talking to you about The Hills, but you don't watch it!

I wouldn't say I don't watch it as much as I avoid it like expired milk.

ME: AJ, you come from an amazing culture.
AJ: You mean Italians?
ME: Well...yes, but in addition to that, you're gay.
AJ: Being gay isn't a culture.
ME: Of course it is! AJ, there was a time when being gay was synonymous with being witty, intelligent, and stylish.
AJ: I'm still pretty stylish.
ME: Having style is not the same thing as spending hundreds of dollars on slutty underwear.
AJ: How'd you know what I was wearing?
ME: I'm talking about Oscar Wilde. I'm talking about Lorca. I'm talking about...uh...
AJ: Elton John?
ME: Sure, why not. As long as we're not talking about the Donald Duck costume.
AJ: So you're going to teach me shit, huh?
ME: I'm going to teach you to be proud of you who are based on what you know and not who you've gotten to sleep with you.

He seemed to quiet down a bit after that.

ME: Well?
AJ: Well...you can give it a shot.

That's all I needed to hear.

First we did dinner with Brad and some friends at a very nice restaurant.

BRAD: You did tell AJ not to steal the silverware, right?
ME: You did tell your mother how that grape juice stain got on the comforter in her guest room, right?
BRAD: Fine, I'll be good.

Then we took in an independent movie.

AJ: This shit is low-quality, K-Brock.
ME: They filmed it on less expensive film.
AJ: Wait, is this a snuff film?

Finally, we wound up a friend's house party.

CONNOR: Long time, no see, Kev.
ME: Hello Connor. This is my friend AJ.
CONNOR: Is he one of the--
AJ: Yeah, I'm one of his prototypes.
CONNOR: You mean--
ME: Connor, please. We're working on vocabulary next week.

AJ did a great job of circulating throughout the party. At around midnight, we were on our way back to Providence.

ME: Did you enjoy yourself?
AJ: Yeah, it was...interesting.
ME: Interesting is good.
AJ: I didn't like that movie.
ME: AJ, you don't have to like any of the stuff we just did. I just think it's important that you check out different scenes, you know?
AJ: Yeah, I see what you mean.

I decided to test the water a little bit.

ME: You know, we could probably still make it to the club if you wanted to catch the last hour.

He seemed to think this over for a second.

AJ: Nah, I'm beat. I think I'll just go home and crash.

Another exhausted boy, another successful Friday night.

I'll rephrase that later. I'm beat.

Thou Shalt Turn Thy Frown Upside Down

2009-06-14T18:53:00.001-07:00

I managed to locate Alicia.

ALICIA: It was so awesome!

She'd disappeared at a party Brad brought her to, per my request.

ALICIA: What ended up happening to Brad?

He ditched her, of course.

ME: He...is a prick.
ALICIA: Oh...okay.
ME: So you met a guy?
ALICIA: Yeah, he's great.
ME: See, guys can be nice.
ALICIA: I know! I probably shouldn't have slept with him on the first date, but--
ME: Wait, what?
ALICIA: He came back to my apartment, and...you know...hehehe

Oh God.

ME: Does he have your number?
ALICIA: Yeah.
ME: Has he called yet?
ALICIA: No, but it's still early in--
ME: Tell you what. I have to run an errand. Let me call you back.

Note to self: Buy tissues and head over to Alicia's place ASAP.

First, however, I had to check in on Aaron. He and I were having dinner at Andrea's.

He'd managed to snag the attention of a great guy the other night, and I couldn't wait to hear all about his progress.

AARON: He's an asshole.

Another failure? I'm producing more ruined relationships than The Millionaire Matchmakers.

ME: What happened?
AARON: He thought I got too serious too fast.
ME: Did you?
AARON: No.
ME: You mentioned marriage, didn't you?
AARON: Is it so wrong to tell someone you can see yourself marrying them?
ME: God, I need to take up alcoholism.

Aaron's sweet, but you have to be sweet AND savvy.

AARON: I know what you're going to say.
ME: You know I'm going to order the salmon?
AARON: No, about what I did.
ME: Aaron, I think you know what you did. I'm not going to pour lemon juice in the gaping wound.
AARON: The thing is, I get how to be now.
ME: How to be?
AARON: Yeah. I have to be tough.
ME: Well--
AARON: Not so vulnerable.

Uh oh. I was afraid of this.

AARON: Men want to hear what they want to hear, and you have to know how to play them.
ME: No.
AARON: No?
ME: Not at all.
AARON: But you're the one who told me this was a game.
ME: It is a game, but that doesn't mean you have to play it dishonestly.
AARON: Kevin, I tried honesty. It got me blocked on Facebook.
ME: You were blocked on--Never mind.
AARON: So from now on, I'm going to be stoic. That way--
ME: You never get hurt?

I could see that remark landed. He looked down, and seemed on the verge of tears.

AARON: I just can't keep letting this happen to me.
ME: So the solution is to become an asshole? Who do you think that's going to land you? Aside from another asshole?
AARON: Then what do I do?
ME: You stay honest, you stay funny, and you stay yourself, because you're all of those things.
AARON: And nobody cares.
ME: Somebody will care--just not everybody. Luckily, you're not looking to meet, date, and fall in love with--EVERYBODY. Just one person, right?
AARON: But what if I meet them and they run?
ME: They won't run.
AARON: How do you know?
ME: Ready for rhyme time? If they run, they're not the one.

Look at me rhyming. All I need now is DVD and a cork board and I'll be the next Secret.

ME: Look, Aaron, many people have become cynical after being in the gay community for awhile. Hell, I became a bitter old queen by the time I was twenty. You can't embrace misery. You have to embrace joy. Actually, that's the overall choice in life. Embrace misery or embrace joy.
AARON: But I'm miserable. Are you saying that's a choice?
ME: No, I'm saying STAYING miserable is a choice. You can't help how you feel, but how long you feel that way is ultimately up to you.
AARON: Embrace joy. That sounds like guru bullshit.
ME: It keeps the gurus happy, doesn't it?
AARON: I just don't know if I buy it.
ME: Well then, buy this. If you're trying to be the person you want to date, and you want to date someone happy, what's the next part of the equation?
AARON: I have to--
ME: Thank you. Now it's time for salmon. I'm buying.
AARON: Wow, thanks.
ME: See? Happy already?
AARON: Embrace!
ME: EMBRACE THE JOY! I'm putting that on t-shirts.

That was when my phone rang.

ME: Hello?
ALICIA: Kevin, he's...he's not calling...is he?

Then she broke down crying.

ME: We might need to get the salmon to go.

And I need to get a move-on on those tissues.

Thou Shalt Descend a Giant Staircase

2009-06-12T14:24:00.000-07:00

The proteges were getting a reward.

AARON: Matching t-shirts?
AJ: Body piercings?
ANTHONY: The chance to punch AJ in the throat?

I was taking them out for a night on the town.

ME: You're all going to make a grand entrance back into society. Just like Dolly.
AJ: Who?
ME: From the musical.
ANTHONY: What musical?
ME: Hello Dolly!
AARON: Never heard of it.
ME: Wall-E. "Put on Your Sunday Clothes."
AARON, AJ, and ANTHONY: Ohhh...
ME: It's really sad that has become a reference point for all of you.

Education comes later. Right now, I was worried about having them socialize at Prisms without it turning into the brawl that happened the last time they were all in the same room together.

Alicia was not going to be going with us. Since I would be taking the boys to Prisms to try out their new statuses as students of Broc-ism, and since Alicia spends wayyy too much time around gay boys, I handed her over to Brad for the night.

I know what you're thinking, isn't that like giving a diabetic a Nestle's crunch?

It just so happens, however, that Brad knows some of most eligible straight man in town.

(That's what happens when you're a Poli-Sci major.)

BRAD: I can't believe you talked me into this.

Brad was to check in with me on an hourly basis via texting. I had instructed him to take Alicia to one of his friend's parties. A surefire way to meet guys who aren't into shows that start with "The Real Housewives of..."

ME: How's she doing?
BRAD: Well, there aren't a lot of people here yet. It's still early.
ME: Oh, great. She can be eased--
BRAD: That being said, she's locked herself in the bathroom and I can hear whimpering.
ME: GET HER OUT OF THERE!
BRAD: How am I supposed to do that?
ME: Use your charm.
BRAD: Really?
ME: Bribe her. I'll pay you back later.

After hanging up with Brad, I checked on Aaron, who was talking to a guy at the bar. Once the guy took a break to head to the men's room, I gave Aaron a pop quiz.

ME: Name?
AARON: Rob.
ME: Occupation?
AARON: Law student.
ME: How many people in this room has he hooked up with?
AARON: From what I can tell, none.
ME: Excellent.
AARON: Yeah. No annoying accent, no offers to go make out on the dance floor, and I'm pretty sure he's not high.
ME: Wow, how have I never heard of this guy?
AARON: He's from Massachusetts.
ME: ARE YOU SERIOUS?
AARON: Is that bad?
ME: THAT'S AMAZING! That means he's a clean slate.
AARON: Oh cool. I did something right.
ME: Just make sure he's not too far away. Long distance plus newfound attraction equals devastation, frustration, and masturbation.
AARON: Got it.

AJ was downstairs on the dance floor. I had instructed him to get rid of his boyfriend--who he had stolen from Anthony--and to apologize for being a sneaky little Claire Danes.

AJ: Anthony shook my hand.
ME: I told him to do that. It's a symbol of a truce.
AJ: Ohhh...I thought he was saying he wanted to give me a--
ME: Nooo.
AJ: Hey, I haven't knocked anybody out all night. Are you proud of me?

That was when a guy bumped into him, causing him to spill his drink all over himself.

It was amazing. All of a sudden, I saw this tiny little guy turn green and split his shirt open to--Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating.

ME: AJ, remember what I told you.
AJ: This is my FAVORITE shirt.
ME: It says 'Spank Me' on it.
AJ: I made it myself!
ME: Then that's what we call a blessing in disguise.
VOICE: Hey!

It was the guy who had bumped into him.

BOY: Hey man, sorry about that. Want me to buy you another one?
AJ: Uh...

I saw the green disappearing. The muscles disappeared back into his miniature physique.

AJ: Sure.

The guy went off to get the drink.

ME: See? When you wait to lose your temper, sometimes people actually turn out to be decent human beings.
AJ: Plus they buy you shit.
ME: Yeah, that too.

Anthony was outside the bar when I found him. He was sitting on the curb looking a little forlorn. I sat down next to him.

ME: Hard to be here right after a break-up, huh?
ANTHONY: Wicked hard.
ME: Can I make a suggestion?
ANTHONY: Sure.
ME: If you act okay, you'll find that eventually you'll be okay.
ANTHONY: That really works?
ME: I've faked my way through three break-ups, two deaths in my family, and a walk of shame through a courtyard on the Brown campus.
ANTHONY: Whoa.
ME: Trust me. Faking it works. The mind is a lot simpler than what all those scientists say.

I helped Anthony up and we went back into the bar. The rest of the night went by swimmingly.

It wasn't until I was walking back to my car that I thought to check on my girl.

ME: How'd she do?
BRAD: Once I got her out of the bathroom?
ME: I'm assuming that happened.
BRAD: She actually had a lovely time.
ME: What time did you bring her home?
BRAD: Uh...
ME: You did make sure she got home okay, right?
BRAD: See, there was this guy...
ME: You said there were only straight guys there!
BRAD: I didn't say he was gay. He was just...drunk...and...willing to consider new ways of thinking.
ME: You DITCHED Alicia for a closet case?
BRAD: I'm sure she's fine.
ME: Where is she?
BRAD: Last I checked, she was heading to a spare room with a very nice looking man.

Great. I've lost one already, and I'm barely out of the gate.

BRAD: Hey, why would I help you win a bet where I'd be the loser?

This means war...once I find Alicia.

Thou Shalt Not Spurn the Women Folk

2009-06-11T19:46:00.001-07:00

I knew my first girl would be a challenge.

BRAD: Do you want to rephrase that statement?

But who doesn't love a challenge?

Getting Alicia, my only female protege this summer, to befriend me was easier than I thought.

FACEBOOK MESSAGE:

Hey Alicia,

My name's Kevin. Want to be friends? :o)

-- Kevin --

FACEBOOK REPLY

YESSS!!!

I was a little scared.

It turned out, however, that she had read my 100 Dates blog a few years back, and was more than onboard for my little Pygmalion project.

ALICIA: Do I look that bad in green?
ME: No, Pygmalion isn't actually a pig, it's--

I'll skip to the point.

For her first lesson, I took Alicia--and Brad, the what's-his-name-from-Wham! to my George Michael--to a bar.

I know what you're thinking, but think again--

It was a straight bar.

ALICIA: Um, I really don't feel comfortable being here.
ME: That's the point. I need to get you comfortable being here.
ALICIA: I just don't like being accosted by guys.
BRAD: Not to be cruel, darling, but when was the last time a guy accosted you?
ALICIA: It's happened!
ME: Alicia, believe it or not, you need to give straight guys more credit.
ALICIA: So that's my lesson? Trust straight guys more?
ME: Nooo. That's too advanced for your first lesson. Right now, we're just going to get you used to having a support team that doesn't involve members of the Gaga fan club.
ALICIA: Huh?
BRAD: He's talking about being friends with other girls.

Alicia looked like she was going to bail. Then, she actually attempted to bail.

Luckily, Brad grabbed her and spun her around so we could continue with our lesson.

I had invited some girls to the bar that I thought Alicia might like.

PAIGE: KEVIN!

Might like slash the only ones who were available.

CARLY: You owe me sooo big for this.
BETH: You owe me the last three drinks I just had.

Alicia looked even more terrified, but this time, I couldn't really blame her.

Maybe I should have tried to find some nice Amish girls.

ALICIA: Kevin, I don't really do well with women. They're competitive, shallow, and cliquey.
ME: As opposed to gay men, who are Buddhist monks with flare?
ALICIA: I just feel--
ME: Safe when you're around the gays?
ALICIA: Yes!
ME: Too bad. You're a girl. You're a beautiful girl. And you're wasting all that pretty standing around a gay bar on a Friday night watching your gay friend puke in the bathroom right before he ditches you for his latest hookup.
ALICIA: Wow, you're a self-hater, huh?
ME: No, I was just describing your Saturday night.
ALICIA: Ohhh, right.

I convinced Alicia to have a few drinks with the girls.

PAIGE: I think we can be great friends.
ALICIA: Uh...maybe.
ME: Alicia, you were so quick to be friends with me. Why don't you just give Paige the same chance?
CARLY: You've been cheated on, haven't you?
ALICIA: No.
CARLY: Yes, you have. Women who hate women have always been cheated on--I read it in Marie Claire.
ALICIA: I've actually never dated anyone.
BRAD: Never?
CARLY: Not even a one-night stand?
ALICIA: What's that?
CARLY: Oh God, Kevin. Why didn't you just try converting a nun?

Alicia was now mortified. I made eyes at Beth, and she swooped in for the save.

BETH: Do you want a drink?
ALICIA: Yes--now--please.

Leave it to me to completely forget that alcohol speeds up the friending process.

BRAD: It looks like your little Alicia is actually warming up to the ladies.

Paige and Alicia were on the bar grinding on each other while "Halo" played in the background.

ME: I'm going to call this progress.
BRAD: I call it being a skanktank, but hey, tomato potato.
ME: You mean to-mah-toe?
BRAD: Whatever. I'm too drunk to care.

Seeing Alicia dance and laugh and have a good time was heartwarming.

Maybe girls aren't so bad after all...

Thou Shalt Not Fall in Love (On the First Date)

2009-06-09T12:09:00.001-07:00

Something told me Anthony was going to be the tricky one.

ANTHONY: I appreciate you wanting to help, but I already have a man. So I think I'm doing all right.

For one thing, I was going to have to break his heart.

I met up with him at Winstead, a little coffeehouse on the East Side. At first, he seemed receptive to becoming my third protege, but then he dropped the bomb.

ME: Who are you dating?
ANTHONY: Chet Taylor.

The Chet Bomb.

Chet is a human disaster. He's loud, crazy, and trashy. He's part of the group I saw Anthony with the night I made my deal with the devil.

The devil being my best friend--

BRAD: This place is a wannabe Peach Pit.

--Brad.

I brought him along to help me convince Anthony that he should take nest under my big gay wing, but as usual, he wasn't being too helpful.

BRAD: I ordered something called a Mocha Chocha Latte.
ME: And?
BRAD: It tastes like Patti LaBelle.
ME: What--you know what? I'm not even going to ask.

Apparently, Anthony was waiting for Mr. Chet to show up so they could go have a picnic.

I know, I threw up in my mouth too.

ME: Anthony, how long have you and Chet been dating?
ANTHONY: Three weeks.
ME: And it's been going well?
ANTHONY: Definitely. I'm practically living with him. We're so in love. It's insane.
BRAD: Well, it DOES sound insane.
ME: Brad!

There were a few ways I could go about helping Anthony become a better person--but none of them involved Chet.

That meant it was fear time.

ME: Anthony, how many times would you say you've been in love?
ANTHONY: Before Chet, I would have said four times, but this is the real deal.
ME: Okay. Would you mind humoring me for a second?
ANTHONY: Sure, but if you're going to try--
ME: Let's say Chet loses his nose.

Brad almost spit out his Mocha Chocha.

ANTHONY: Excuse me?
ME: Horrible freak accident. He loses his nose. Are you still going to love him?
ANTHONY: Yeah. Of course. He's my baby.
BRAD: Bullshit.

Anthony shot Brad a look.

BRAD: Oh, come on. You're going to date a circus freak and I'm an asshole for pointing out you're lying?
ANTHONY: I'm not lying!
ME: Let's say a foul smell starts coming out of the nose.
ANTHONY: It won't matter.
ME: Let's say there's pus.
BRAD: Okay, at this point, I'm going to vomit.

I admired Anthony being so sure of himself and his love. Who knows? Maybe he really would stick it out, but if Chet was really his true love, then there wasn't much I could do for him.

It would be like putting a band-aid on a giant tumor.

ANTHONY: Do you just not believe in love?
ME: No, I just don't believe that you can be so sure after three weeks.
ANTHONY: Some people are sure after three seconds.
ME: It's very rare when that happens.
ANTHONY: But it happens, right?
ME: Yeah. It does.

Look at me, the cynic.

ANTHONY: Maybe you need to fall in love before you lecture me.

Ouch.

That was when Chet walked into the coffeehouse, and right over to us.

CHET: Hey Ant.
ANTHONY: Hey Chet, you ready to go?
CHET: Uh, slight problem.

The door opened, and AJ strolled in--otherwise known as "My Special Project."

ANTHONY: What the hell is he doing here?
BRAD: Don't worry. He won't punch you in the face again. Kevin had a talk with him, and now he's castrated.
CHET: Anthony, I'm in love.
ANTHONY: I know.
CHET: But not with you.
ANTHONY: WHAT?

He jumped up. I looked over at AJ, who appeared to be smiling.

I could see that my lesson on "Stealing Boyfriends and Gloating About It" was going to have to get pushed up as soon as possible.

ANTHONY: I thought we were going to be together forever?
CHET: Sometimes plans change. Sorry kid.
ANTHONY: I hope your nose falls off.
CHET: Huh?
ANTHONY: Never mind.

He sat back down. Chet took off with AJ. I put my arm around Anthony.

ANTHONY: So you're going to help me, right? So I don't pick any more jerks like that?
ME: Oh, I think I can give you a few pointers.
ANTHONY: When do we start?
ME: We start with this--no falling in love on the first date.
ANTHONY: I guess I can try.
ME: I have an electric zapper bracelet if you need it.
ANTHONY: This is going to be Hell, huh?
ME: No pain, no gain.

Brad pushed his drink over to Anthony.

BRAD: Here you go.
ME: For me?
BRAD: You've just been broken up with--it's time for a massive calorie intake.

I have my methods, Brad has his.

Thou Shalt Not Cut a Bitch

2009-06-08T11:39:00.000-07:00

Meet my newest problem child.

AJ: I ain't interested in your teachings, Yod.

After my lesson with Aaron in avoiding the bad boys, I was now forced to convert a bad boy into a good boy.

Where's Ricki Lake when you need her?

AJ: Look, I happen to L-O-V-E myself, my life, and my biz.
ME: Is there any word you can't abbreviate or alter?
AJ: Neggo.

Once again, I found myself at Prisms. At some point, I was going to have to expand some horizons in terms of socialization spots, but it's all about one step at a time.

ME: What if I were to just help you with one thing?
AJ: What's that one thing?
ME: Your temper.
AJ: Nah, son.
ME: Okay, how about the fact that you talk like Vanilla Ice?
AJ: Who?
ME: God, I'm old.

Luckily, I brought along reinforcements.

BRAD: Does accepting my help mean you lose the bet?
ME: Nooo, it means you're a good friend.
BRAD: It also means you're buying my next drink.
ME: Deal. Just make A.J. do what I tell him to do.
BRAD: Great. Now I'm the Dog Whisperer.

Brad followed me back to the table where A.J. was seated shooting daggers at some guy across the room.

BRAD: Since Kevin doesn't seem able to speak your language, perhaps I can try.
ME: You can try me out, Vodka.
BRAD: You're a nasty little bitch who's going to end up catching go-noggo before you turn twenty if you don't let my broseph here help you out. If you say Neggo to his help, I will spread a rumor that you slept with Timmy the Troll.

We all looked over at Timmy, who was sitting at the bar licking something off his fingers.

BRAD: ...And everyone will believe me.
AJ: Aight, y'all. Give me some tips.
ME: First thing's first, bar brawls do not signify that someone is, um--
BRAD: Not trashy.
ME: Yes.
AJ: Look, that guy deserved the punch I gave him.

He was referring to Anthony, my other protege, who I'd yet to introduce myself to, probably because he didn't want to show up at Prisms until his nose healed.

ME: What did he do exactly?
AJ: He told someone I gave head in the back of a car.
BRAD: Didn't you?
AJ: Yeah, but that's not his biz to be spreading.
ME: That's the thing--when you do the wrong thing, your biz becomes the world's biz.
AJ: That's messed up.
ME: That's life.
AJ: So what am I supposed to do?
ME: I want to show you how to handle it when somebody spreads a rumor about you.
BRAD: It's actually not a rumor if it's true.
ME: Nothing is true until you say it's true.
AJ: I like that.
ME: See, I'm not a total idiot.
BRAD: Keyword: Total.
ME: Moving on.

I briefed AJ in how to handle a rumor-monger. Then I sent him out to try his new technique.

The boy across the bar that AJ had been glaring at was named Vinny, and apparently he'd been telling everyone that AJ hooked up with someone at the men's room of a TGIFriday's.

BRAD: Did you?
AJ: Nah, it was a Chili's.
ME: From now on, pretend I'm your lawyer, and only tell me things that make you seem innocent.

AJ walked over to Vinny and--

AJ: Hey Vinny, why don't you let me buy you a drink?
VINNY: Uh, have you started doing stuff? Cuz I might be lookin' to buy.
AJ: No, man. I just want to bury the hatchet.
VINNY: You ain't comin' at me with no hatchet.
AJ: I told them you wouldn't know what that means.
VINNY: Told who?
AJ: Never mind. Look man, I'd appreciate it if you stopped saying stuff about me. If you want to talk to me about something; just talk to me. I'll do the same, okay?

This was where Vinny was supposed to say 'Okay' and they were supposed to share a drink and become great friends.

VINNY: Man, fuck off.

Yeah, I probably should have seen that coming.

AJ walked back over to me with fury in his eyes.

AJ: I did what you told me to do and it didn't work.
ME: I understand that, but now you look like the bigger man and he looks like the asshole. And nobody listens to what an asshole has to say.
BRAD: Unless they have a blog.
ME: Hey Brad?
BRAD: Yeah?
ME: Knock knock.
BRAD: Who's there?
ME: Shut up.

By the way, check out my other blogs.

AJ: What am I supposed to do about the fact that I was disrespected? Just take it?
ME: Of course not. I don't want you to be a wimp. I just don't want you to be a crazy person who fights in bars.
AJ: So what do I do then?
ME: Watch.

I walked over to Vinny.

ME: Hi.
VINNY: You AJ's boy?
ME: No, I'm his friend.
VINNY: He doesn't have friends. Just Johns.

Vinny raised his voice when he said this so that AJ could hear. I saw Brad grab AJ in a headlock so he rush over and knock Vinny out.

ME: Well, I'm his first friend then.
VINNY: Poor you.
ME: No, poor you, because people who are the enemies of my friends are my enemies. And I don't think you want to be my enemy.

Vinny got right in my face.

VINNY: Maybe I do. Then what?

Watch and learn, AJ.

ME: Then I take that video of you on Nasty.com, post it in a Facebook video, and send it to everyone you know.
VINNY: Uh...
ME: You know, the one where you're in a diaper, sucking on a pacifier, and making out with Timmy over there.

We both looked at Timmy. He was discreetly picking things out of his ear.

VINNY: Listen, forget all about the AJ thing, okay?
ME: I'll forget it if you forget the Friday's story. Okay?
VINNY: Okay.
ME: And if you keep your mouth shut from now on, okay?
VINNY: Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
ME: Terrific. AJ?

AJ walked over to us.

ME: Vinny has something he'd like to say.
VINNY: You gotta be kidding me.
ME: Cough cough Huggies cough cough.
VINNY: I'm really sorry, AJ.

My little protege looked shocked.

AJ: Uh...okay.
ME: AJ?
AJ: Oh right. I accept your apology.
ME: Excellent. I think you boys have a great friendship in your future.
AJ: Can I at least throw the drink I bought him in his face?
ME: Knock yourself out.

AJ picked up the drink, threw it in Vinny's face, and then we both walked away smiling.

ME: So am I cool yet?
AJ: Are you kidding me? You're the K-Brock.

Yeggo.

Thou Shalt Wait For It

2009-06-06T11:04:00.001-07:00

This is Aaron.

ME: Hi Aaron.
AARON: Do I know you?
ME: Fateful first words, my friend.

He's my first protege.

I found him on the top floor of Prisms a week after I bet my friend Brad that I could take three ugly gay ducklings (and one duckette) and make them into charming, intelligent, sassy swans.

ME: Mind if I sit down?

Aaron was about to have his first lesson.

AARON: Sure, go ahead. Not like anybody else is clamoring to sit next to me.
ME: I'm Kevin, by the way.
AARON: Nice to meet you.
ME: Let me guess. You've been out for three months, two weeks, and five days?
AARON: Uh...wow. Are you--
ME: I read your livejournal.

Some call it stalking, I call it research.

AARON: I'm a little weirded out.
ME: Don't be. I'm here to help.
AARON: Help what?
ME: Not what, who. Who being you.
AARON: So you're the Cat in the Hat?
ME: In a way. I'm going to help settle you into the gay community.
AARON: So you're the welcoming committee?
ME: In a way. I'm going to give you some pointers.
AARON: So you're--
ME: I'm your new best friend.

We talked some more, and I got the basics--the basics Aaron's LJ didn't give me--about Student #1.

BASICS:

- Very shy
- Very shallow
- Very short

AARON: I wouldn't say I'm shallow. I just don't have a 'type' yet so I just go by who I think is cute.
ME: And that's where you're going to get into trouble.
AARON: How?
ME: Tell me about the guys who've talked to you so far tonight.

CONTESTANT #1: Benjamin

AARON: Really cute, right?
ME: He's not wearing a shirt.
AARON: But he's got a nice body.
ME: There's something to be said for humility.
AARON: He seems fun though.
ME: Yes, well, club drugs do tend to make you the life of the party.
AARON: Okay. He was just the first anyway.

CONTESTANT #2: Freddie

AARON: He seems really nice.
ME: Everything's going to seem nice when they want to get in your pants.
AARON: Sweet, I meant to say sweet.
ME: He's a little young, don't you think?
AARON: I'm only twenty-two.
ME: It's not so much the age difference as it is the fact that you'll be driving him to school in the morning.
AARON: You mean--
ME: High school.
AARON: Oh God, I thought that hockey jersey looked too new.

CONTESTANT #3: Ryan

AARON: That guy has to be a winner.
ME: Based on...?
AARON: Look at him. He's surrounded by people.
ME: And he's slept with every one of them.
AARON: Are you kidding?
ME: That's how Ryan makes friends.
AARON: You're kidding, right?
ME: Some people have barbecues, he gives--
AARON: Tell me you're kidding.
ME: Not that I'm a prude, but he doesn't know the value of discretion either. Most of those people are friends with him because if they turned their backs on him he'd spread their business all over town.
AARON: That's horrible.

I could see Aaron was getting disheartened.

ME: Don't feel so bad. You're new at this.
AARON: I just feel like there's so much I don't know.
ME: The first thing you need to know is this--Wait It Out. The good guys aren't going to be the first ones in line. They're going to see what you do first. How you interact socially tends to define who you are and if you're dateable.
AARON: Look, if you're into rules, you should know, I'm not. I don't play by the rulers.
ME: Then not only will you be a loser, you'll wind up with one.

I started to walk away.

AARON: Wait!

They always freak out when you walk away from them.

ME: Yes?
AARON: Okay, I'll bite.
ME: Not during the first lesson, mister.
AARON: So I have to wait for a good guy to come around?
ME: I'd give it a few weeks. Until then, you're Mr. Mysterious.
AARON: Meaning I have to sit in the corner and sulk?
ME: Absolutely not! Just because you can't date right away doesn't mean you can't make friends.

That was how an hour later I had him downstairs dancing. I don't have to tell you that half the dance floor was looking in his direction.

AARON: I think I like being Mr. Mysterious.
ME: Great. Now time for rule number two.
AARON: Which is?
ME: Never stay until the end of the night. Let's go.

I took him to Bickford's for a late-night breakfast, and we got to know each other a little better.

Aaron, without a doubt, is going to be a huge hit.

So long as he can wait to become one.

The Challenge

2009-06-05T14:20:00.001-07:00

Hi, my name is Kevin.

BRAD: Introductions are entirely unnecessary.

Welcome to Friday night.

BRAD: I promised myself I wouldn't drink...heavily.

This is my friend Brad. We're on our way to Prisms. It's the first nice night of the year, and for once, I don't mind walking the eight blocks from the only parking spot I could find.

BRAD: Why don't you pay for parking?
ME: Some of us aren't trust fund babies, Brad.
BRAD: God, I hate being friends with the poor.

I keep Brad around because he's good for a laugh--and free Sprite at the bar.

BRAD: I'm embarrassed for you when you order that.
ME: Some of us like to keep our bearings.
BRAD: I think I lost mine at Boston Pride last year.

As we passed a car right near the club, we could hear rustling in the backseat.

ME: Tell me someone is not--
BRAD: Yup.
ME: In a hybrid.
BRAD: Apparently the driver's not the only one doing his part.

We went up to the top floor and ordered our drinks.

BRAD: When did being gay become the same thing as being trashy?
ME: Not all gay men are trashy.
BRAD: It doesn't take that many bad apples, and last time I checked, the barrel was looking pretty rotten.
ME: Most guys just need a push in the right direction, and they'd be fine.
BRAD: Maybe--if you're talking about pushing them off a cliff.

A gaggle of gays near us burst into laughter. They seemed to be laughing at a clearly drunk boy who was making an idiot out of himself near the door.

BRAD: I can't tell who's worse--the drunk or the catty bitches making fun of him.
ME: Clearly the bitches. We all make mistakes.
BRAD: Kevin, please--
ME: November 8th, 2007 ring a bell, Brad?
BRAD: Point goes to you.

I looked around the room and surveyed the microcosm that is Prisms on a Friday night. Yes, there were many bad examples of being gay, but there were also people walking the fence--people who just needed someone to guide them.

Someone who's fallen off the fence a couple of times himself...

ME: I bet I could turn some of these people around if I had the chance.
BRAD: That sounds like a bet in the making.
ME: I'm not making a bet with you, Brad.
BRAD: It doesn't have to be for money. Just pride.
ME: Fine.
BRAD: How many converts are you going to need?
ME: I bet I could do four before the end of summer.
BRAD: All right, but I get to pick the four.

This was dangerous. Brad isn't known for pulling punches. Still, I didn't want to show weakness.

ME: Go ahead. Pick from anybody in this room.

Brad immediately pointed to a boy sitting in the corner.

BRAD: Wallflower over there.

He was sitting in a chair trying to not cute but inconspicuous, which, by the way, never works.

BRAD: I believe his name is Aaron.
ME: I'll take him. He's clearly new to all this, so it won't be like I have to break him of any bad habits.
BRAD: Or he could be a serial killer.
ME: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pick my next victim, Bradley.

This time he looked around a little bit more, then settled on the group of bitches.

BRAD: Him.
ME: Who him? You pointed at an entire group.
BRAD: Right in the middle.
ME: The one cackling like he just laid an egg?
BRAD: With the bling and the head full of hair gel.
ME: Ugh...

That would be Anthony, one of the key figures in the Dick Clique--Providence's least friendly group of CBQ's.

ME: You want me to help Anthony?
BRAD: Help? No. I believe we're looking for transformations here, aren't we?
ME: You're a bastard.
BRAD: No time for insults. I have two more picks.

He seemed to be considering how to make my job that much harder. Then he chose.

BRAD: Her.

I thought he was just referring to some especially queenly guy, but then I noticed that he meant an actual girl.

ME: Um, Brad--
BRAD: You said anybody in the room.
ME: This is supposed to be me as a guru for gays.
BRAD: That girl needs a guru. Look at her.

She was really drunk, and falling all over herself. She was with two guys who seemed to be trying to distance themselves from her as much as possible. And she was yelling out something--clearly trying to be heard in a room full of people who didn't want to listen.

ME: I'll make an exception.
BRAD: Great. One left.

That was when Backseat Barbie showed up.

He walked into the room, straight at the Dick Clique, and punched Anthony in the face.

BRAD: I thought Brawl Night was tomorrow.

I pulled Brad towards the door as the Dick Clique descended on the little guy. I guessed his name was AJ since he was wearing a shirt that said--'AJ is Sex Appeal.'

BRAD: I bet he made that himself.

The brawl was quickly broken up, but not before someone spilled a drink on my new girl pupil. Her friends didn't even offer to mop her up.

GIRL: God, leave it to me!
GIRL'S FRIEND: Oh relax, Alicia.
GIRL'S OTHER FRIEND: Take a valium.

Alicia--I made a note of that.

ME: I should introduce myself to Wall Flower.

But when I looked around, he was nowhere to be seen. With my luck, the brawl had scared him right back into the closet.

BRAD: I've got my fourth pick.
ME: And who would that be?

He motioned towards the door where AJ is Sex Appeal was being dragged out by a bouncer.

ME: You've got to be kidding me.
BRAD: Oh, you should get along fine. After all, you drive a Buick.

The challenge had begun.